


Resistance

by Creed Cascade (creedcascade)



Category: Firefly
Genre: Altered Mental States, Angst, Blue Sun, Codependency, Dark, Dom/sub Undertones, Dysfunctional Relationships, F/M, Human Experimentation, Intrigue, Loyalty, M/M, On the Run, Wordcount: 100.000-150.000
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-02-07
Updated: 2012-02-07
Packaged: 2017-10-30 19:02:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 22
Words: 128,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/335033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/creedcascade/pseuds/Creed%20Cascade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set after the series and "Serenity" the movie. Sometimes learning to let go is just as hard as holding on. The past of the Serenity’s crew continues to both haunt and bless them. As Mal and Simon's relationship progresses, so does a threat that could destroy everything they've fought so hard for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Cowritten with Majorbrat.

Mal leaned against the side of the hatch and watched the moon-touched girl he had entrusted with piloting his precious Serenity. Her hands hovered over the various controls, caressing one and then glided onto the next. The entire time her eyes were closed, but Mal had no doubt that she saw more than most pilots.

“Wash trusts me with her,” her voice echoed in the cabin. “So should you, Captain.”

“Bee-jway!,” [Shut up] Mal snapped. His hands twisted into fists and he took a few steps closer towards River. “What did I tell you about carrying on like this?”

River opened her eyes and titled her head to look back at Mal. “You told me to stop talking to Wash.”

Mal’s eyes slipped over to the empty chair to their right and lingered on the toy dinosaurs. “He’s gone. I don’t want your nonsense upsetting Zoe.” River cocked her head to the side like she was listening to something only she could hear and then giggled. “Don’t play your games around Zoe, dong-ma?” [understand]

River giggled again and adjusted some controls perfectly, all the while looking at Mal. “Wash says you need to lighten up. Maybe you have your suspenders on too tight?”

“I told you to stop,” Mal growled with frustration. “Here I was thinkin’ you were starting to get that gorram [damn] muddled head of yours somewhat on straight and you start up with this.”

River looked out to the stars that Serenity danced between and waved her hand towards the viewing window. “Lights may flicker and dim, but they never really go out… especially the truly bright ones.”

Mal’s fingernails dug into the flesh of his palm. “Wash is dead. No more of your nonsense. This is my ship and you best remember that before you test my patience again.” With that he turned and left the bridge, intent on tracking down her brother and make sure he reined her in.

River smiled to herself knowing exactly where Mal was headed.

She let her hands rest on the main bulkhead of the co-pilot station, feeling the beat of Serenity’s heart beneath her fingertips. Her relationship with the captain was still very problematic at the best of times. “Synapses not firing correctly in his brain. He should share a room with me, instead of Simon.” There was a small laugh off to her left and the sound of it, so completely filled with amusement, made her smile.

“Well, we never claimed that the Captain was completely sane, River. Don’t worry, he never completely trusted my piloting either.” River turned to look at Wash in all of his glory, Hawaiian shirt in bright blue and orange making her vision blur momentarily over the loud colors. “He may have boasted of having the finest pilot this side of the ‘verse, but he could still back spaceship drive with the best of them.”

River gave a gentle nod. “Yells a lot. More than ever.”

Wash rolled his eyes. “Mal never learned how to be subtle. You just keep doing what you’re doing, sweetheart. You’ll fly this ship better than I ever could.”

A small alarm went off next to River’s elbow. She turned in her chair and checked the trajectory, seeing that somehow she’d managed to wander off course by no more than a few degrees. She instantly flipped a switch here, adjusted the steering there, and the alarm went silent. Back in the green.

“Tell me more about the dinosaurs?”

Silence from the right. Lifting her head to look at Wash, she found him gone. River sighed and pulled her legs up to her chest. “He doesn’t believe me. Don’t know if I believe me either. Real girl or false world, Wash?”

Staring out at the unforgiving stars, River thought for a moment that a hand was stroking her hair. She leaned back into the imaginary/real touch and sighed. Wash’s voice whispered in her brain. “Just fly true.”

 

* * *

 

Mal scowled as he got closer to the infirmary. These outbursts from River were getting creepier by the day. It was still too fresh in his mind to deal with hearing her talk to a dead man. ‘Cause that’s what Wash was… dead. There weren’t no power in the ‘verse that was gonna change it. She’d better start to get acquainted with the fact real soon.

He stepped into the cool confines of the infirmary and found Simon bent over his medical journals.

“Hey, Doc. We need to have ourselves another little chat.”

Simon sighed and looked up to take in Mal’s rather dark countenance. “I assume this would be another ranting session about River, correct?”

Mal absently scratched at his cheek. “She’s talking to Wash… again. Thought you said you was gonna have a sit down and explain to her that there ain’t gonna be none of that on board my ship?”

“You expect that just because she’s not in constant mental agony that she’d be normal.” He started moving around instruments that were already in their designated location. “There is no quick fix for River.”

He watched Simon get all fussy with the medical equipment and knew it was a sign of the younger man’s frustration. “I expect no quick fix. What I expect is order on my ship.”

“Order?” Simon snorted and looked at Mal. “We’ve never had order. I wouldn’t even classify it as organized chaos.”

Mal moved quickly and seized Simon’s wrist. The pain was sharp and he thought he hid it. “Don’t you dare mock me.”

Simon glanced down at Mal’s tight grip on his wrist. “I’m not mocking you, Captain,” he said in that calm voice that aggravated Mal to no end. “Now would you kindly let me go so I can have a look at your injury?”

“I’m fine,” Mal snapped and let go. He crossed his arm over his chest and glared at Simon. For weeks he’d put up with the doctor’s poking and prodding. These scars and injuries where just something else he’d learn to live with.

Simon shook his head. “You’re not fine.”

“I’m not here to talk about my scratches. We’re here to talk about your kwong-juh duh [crazy] sister.”

“Take your shirt off,” Simon instructed Mal. By now he was used to black mailing, cajoling and down right threatening Mal to ensure he got the treatment he needed. “We can talk about River while I check to make sure you’re okay. And before you tell me that ‘you’re fine’ again, I hope you realize I won’t discuss this unless you humour me.”

Mal’s eyes narrowed, also familiar with Simon’s tactics. The pain was now a steady throbbing from where the Operative’s katana cut into his chest. It irked him that with all this modern medicine they could reattach his ear, but not heal this injury more quickly. Simon had that stubborn look on his face that said the doctor wouldn’t stop nagging him until he got what he wanted. Mal knew that in the early days when they were all mending, Simon would dope himself with painkillers so he could take care of the others. That sacrifice had upped Mal’s respect for Simon.

Finally he unfolded his arms from across his chest and started to unbutton his shirt. “You’d better hurry.”

Simon waited until Mal had pulled the shirt open before he stepped closer and pushed the material aside to examine the scar. “Drugging River wouldn’t work even if I was willing to do it.”

“That’s not an option,” Mal grunted and took half a step back when Simon hit a tender spot. “I need my pilot clear headed… well, as clear headed as that girl can be.”

“Mm hmm,” Simon agreed distractedly. His eyebrow drew down in concentration as he assured himself Mal was going to be okay.

Mal looked straight ahead and concentrated on a bolt in the wall. “Tell her to stop.”

“I did and it didn’t work,” Simon pointed out. “You told her to stop and that didn’t work.”

Simon’s probing fingers moved away from Mal’s scar and his skin twitched under the doctor’s touch. Simon told himself that the lingering touch was simply about examining Mal when he could, just to make sure he was in good health. He couldn’t help one more gentle touch over the angry looking scar. “I’m sorry I wasn’t able to do more about this.”

Mal sighed and started to re-button his shirt. “Told ya before, Simon, ain’t your fault.” Once again fully clothed and presentable, Mal sat down on the edge of the examination table. “Look, I know I ain’t been exactly the sweetest person in the ‘verse lately…”

Simon snorted and pulled off the latex gloves he’d been wearing during Mal’s examination. “Just about anything but.”

“Hey, I’m tryin’ to do my best here at a somewhat apology. I don’t give them very often so ya might make it a little easier on me if ya know what’s best for ya.” Mal scrubbed a hand across his face. “Like I was saying before about not being sweet, I just really can’t have River pulling this imaginary-friend-who’s-a dead-crew-member thing right now. Specially ‘round Zoe.”

Simon sat down on the stool, leaning forward so that his elbows rested on his knees. “I know that, Captain. Look, I’ll try to talk to her again about it, but you have to remember, River is River. She won’t change overnight no matter how many times anyone tells her to let something like this go. This may be nothing more than her way of coping with Wash’s death.” Simon picked up his medical journal and jotted down his findings on Mal’s injuries, which really wasn’t anything spectacular but at least it gave him something to do other than stare at the man.

Mal nodded his head. “Alright, Doc, guess that’s all I can do at the moment. Just tell her that if she wants to spout that crazy nonsense to do it when she’s in her room alone. Not a word around the rest of the crew.”

Simon looked up to see the seriousness if Mal’s face. “I’ll do my best.”

Mal stood up and headed out of the infirmary and Simon breathed a sigh of relief. Two weeks since Miranda, two weeks since Wash and Book’s deaths. It felt like a lifetime to him. Simon was totally exhausted from everything, the constant check ups on the crew, trying to keep heads and tails of River’s improvements. The least of his worries right now was sleep, but sorely needed more than anything else. Simon stood up and glanced out the infirmary door just to make sure that no one was coming his way, then cut out the lights.

 

* * *

 

He thought for a moment to stop and grab something to eat from the mess, but changed his mind when he heard Kaylee and Inara’s laughter. He wasn’t up to trying to face Kaylee yet this morning. She’d not exactly been her ‘shiny’ self as of late, partially because Simon had had no time to talk to her. He wasn’t looking forward to the conversation they were going to have to have.

She’d been so beautiful lying beneath him on the deck of the ship and he’d wanted so badly to make love to her. He’d tried, and yet he couldn’t bring himself to complete the act. Kaylee had just smiled and told him it was okay before kissing him. Simon just didn’t have the heart to tell her that he’d imagined for a while that it was Mal kissing him, touching him.

Giving himself a mental shake, Simon continued on to Zoe’s bunk, hoping that she was relaxing and letting the bonding glue do its job on the skin above her spine. He wondered if Zoe would ever tell Mal about her condition. She wouldn’t be able to keep it from him for much longer.

He knocked on the door and waited, shifting slightly from foot to foot. Her distinctive voice called, “C’mon in, Doc.”

Opening the door, Simon stepped inside the clutter-ridden room with reminders of Wash everywhere. “How do you know it’s me?”

She had her weapons laid out on the small table in front of her, cleaning them thoroughly. Simon’s mind instantly flashed to Jayne, but there was a cold fury to Zoe that Jayne never possessed. “You’re the only one who comes to see me here. Everyone else thinks I need my space to mourn.”

“I’m here to see how you’re doing with… you know,” Simon said.

Zoe looked up at him and challenged him with heated brown eyes. “Go ahead and say it, Simon.”

Simon nodded and straightened his back. “How’s the nausea?”

“Minimal.” Her hands flew with familiar practise over the weapon and reassembled it.

After Miranda and the immediate concern of making sure everyone lived, Inara and Kaylee had tried to comfort Zoe. She would have none of it and had yet to shed a single tear in public. Even at her husband’s memorial service, she had been stoic. She felt hollow inside and even the knowledge that she carried Wash’s child was little compensation for his loss.

While he stood there, he examined her visually, checking her colouring and eyes. “Have you been following the nutritional plan I gave you?”

“Exactly. I’ve been eating my allotted bit of dressed up protein mush. And yes, I’ve been taking the vitamin supplements.”

“Zoe…” Simon had to stop and centre himself before he continued. “I won’t say I understand what you’re going through. I’ve never loved anyone like… or been loved the way Wash loved you…”  
There was a sharp click of the pistol snapping into locked position. “Don’t try to console me, Doc.”

“I’m not,” Simon said and shook his head. As a doctor, he wanted to make her pain go away, but there was no way he could heal this heartache. “I just want to make sure your baby is healthy. I can do that for you.”

Zoe laid the pistol down on its appointed space of cloth. Resting her elbows on the table and clasping her hands, she gave him a very determined look. Simon swallowed, his throat feeling particularly dry at the way her face reflected absolutely nothing. “You’re wondering when I’m going to say something to the Captain.”

Eyes widening, Simon shook his head in negation. “That’s really none of my business, Zoe.”

She laughed quietly and leaned back in her chair, trimmed fingernails tapping out a rhythm on the smooth surface of the table. “You don’t lie so good. Captain’s gonna find out soon enough as it is. I’m sure I’ll be hearing plenty from him on the subject, too. It’s my business, Doc. You’re right about that. Cuz the only other person who had a say in the matter is buried beneath six feet of dirt and sand.” Zoe stood and walked over to sink, rinsing the chemicals off her hands from gun cleaning. “Anything else we need to see about, Doc? Or are we finished for now?”

Simon shifted from foot to foot. Jayne made him nervous, but more in a crazy unpredictable way. It didn’t compare to this feeling of being around Zoe. You could see it in her eyes exactly what it was that she would do to you, and do very, very slowly.

“I’ll, uhm… check on your back later, in the infirmary. Other than that, no, so I’ll just be on my way.”

“Bye, Simon.”

He left Zoe’s room in a hurry.

 

* * *

 

It was uncomfortable to be anywhere onboard the ship. Mal was learning this rather quickly. Lots of drawn out silences and more unsure glances than he’d had the pleasure of seeing in quite some time. Things were just not boding well for the crew of Serenity. What they needed was a job. He’d been pondering this situation ever since they’d left port and the operative far behind them. Too many memories and too many hurts were keeping things from running smoothly and Mal had ever intention of changing that right quickly if the opportunity arose. He just wasn’t expecting it to come from his least favourite person.

“Captain.”

Mal pushed aside the tally sheets from the last few jobs they had done. Glad to have a distraction from depressingly low income records they’d taken in over the last few months.

“Go ahead, River.”

The comm squealed in his ear and Mal slapped his hands over his ears, grimacing. “Ta ma duh! [Fuck me blind!]”

“Duibuqi, [Sorry] Captain.”

Mal stuck a finger in his ear and wiggled it a bit, trying to bring his hearing back.

“We’ve got a WAVE coming in.”

Mal gave a happy mental shout of ‘Work! Yes!’ “Who’s it from?”

Slight pause and then a very distasteful voice answered back. “Badger…the rodent.”

“Be nice to our clients, lil’Albatross,” Mal warned with a warm tone. He was feeling mighty fine with the prospect of work on the horizon. “Patch Badger through.”

Mal moved to the WAVE screen in the room and had to hit it a few times to make it work. He was greeted by Badger’s creepy looking grin. “Hello, Badger.”

“Captain,” Badger greeted back. “I’ve got a job for you.”

Mal kept his expression neutral. “Do ya now?”

“Yeah, I do. A special person I need delivered to Athens.”

Knowing Badger wasn’t stupid enough to discuss anything illegal in a WAVE the Alliance could read, he assumed the real negotiations would be made in person. “I want partial payment upfront. Figure they must be down right unpleasant company if you’re willing to call me.”

“Just get your arse to Persephone and we’ll talk,” Badger snapped and the signal ended abruptly. Mal’s smile grew and he buzzed River over the comm. “River, set course to Persephone.”

“Setting the sails and adjusting the rutter, Captain.”

Mal rolled his eyes and sighed. “A simple, ‘Yes, Captain’ will suffice.”

The only answer he got was the echoed of River’s laughter of the comm and he felt Serenity changing course with the smoothness that was fast becoming River’s trademark.

Thinking this would be a good way to cheer up his crew, he left the tally sheets abandoned on the table and set off to find Kaylee. It would do them all a world of good to see her face smiling again.

He found her in the engine room swearing at a piece of disassemble machinery. “Liou coe shway duh biao-tze huh hoe-tze duh bun ur-tze!” [Stupid son of a drooling whore and a monkey.]

Mal chuckled and leaned against a solid pipe, crossing his arms over his chest. “You learned that one from River.”

Kaylee looked up from her work and he noticed she had more grease than usual all over her face. “Oh… Hi, Captain. I’m just trying to refit this piece of luh-suh [garbage].”

“Well, maybe you’ll be able to get a replacement for it if the job we got lined up with Badger goes well and pays enough.”

Kaylee jumped to her feet and started to clap her hands together. “We got a job!”

“Take it easy now,” Mal warned her, remembering her injuries. Now that the Miranda mess was over and done with, he thought Simon and Kaylee would be all over each other. Other than a few sweet exchanges right after they were healed, the two had been avoiding each other. Messing around with fellow crewmembers was always complicated and Mal hated complications. “We got work to do. While I’m negotiating with Badger, you all can have some down time on Persephone. Maybe you can take Simon out… I know you’ve been having some problems.”

Kaylee’s happy expression mellowed immediately at the mention of Simon. “Yeah, about Simon ‘n’ me… It ain’t gonna work out.”

“No need to tell me,” Mal cut her off, seeing how uncomfortable she was. “It’s your business. Just make sure my ship is ready for a fight. Not expecting one, but ya never know.”

With that he turned and left Kaylee to stare after him. His mood was now dark after seeing her sadness and he was intent on finding Simon. Kaylee had a special place in his heart and he would make the damn boy pay for hurting her.

 

* * *

 

Two hours previous…

 

Kaylee wiped her sweaty palms on her overalls as she entered onto the bridge. She still had a very hard time seeing River in Wash’s designated space, but found it somewhat comforting that River had allowed the plastic dinosaurs to stay where they had always been positioned. Zoe had tried to collect them up once Serenity was back in the sky where she belonged but River had stopped her. For a moment, Kaylee had been afraid the younger girl was going to go into some kind of fit and she would be caught up in since Kaylee was underneath the main console replacing some burned out wiring. Instead River had simply asked Zoe to leave them, which would remind her of the kind of pilot she wanted and needed to be for all of them. Kaylee had been relieved and sombre all at the same time.

Her sudden entrance wasn’t missed by River, who turned her head and smiled. “Hello, Kaylee.”

Mirroring the smile, River stepped up beside the girl. “Heya, River. How goes the flyin’?”

“Shiny.” River glanced back down to the controls and scrunched her eyes up. “Ugly colors though. Hard on the eyes, they should be softer.” The girl leaned back in the chair and drew her knees up to her chest. “He’s in his room, hiding. Lost soul on a tortured path…but that’s all of us right now really. He’s ashamed.” River paused and turned to look at Kaylee, mischief twinkling in her dark, endless eyes. “I saw you. In the engine room, dirt and sweat and lots of sighs.”

Face turning red, Kaylee brought a hand up to her mouth to hide the shock. “River! Ain’t proper to be spyin’ in on folk like that!”

River shook her head. “Apologies.” She flicked a switch above her head and turned on a small fan to circulate the air around her. “Cool off, Kaylee. You’ll spontaneously combust.” River closed her eyes for a second. “In his room, fiddling with his journals, but his mind is elsewhere. See you later.”

Recognizing the last phrase as her cue to head out, Kaylee did just that and started on down to Simon’s room. She was really nervous about talking to him about the failed attempt at sex. She’d never really been one to fail at words when she needed them. Granted, they weren’t long and complicated words, but she could get her point across with no problem. But she knew she had avoided him the same as he’d avoided her. There had been a distance between them that was more than just the sex. That’s what hurt her. He was a wonderful friend, to lose that, to loose him completely, that’d break her heart more than she could bear. She was no fan of complications, just like her Captain. Kaylee liked everything shiny and fine between the crew, ‘cept lately she’d felt nothing like being shiny at all. A few moments here and there but there was always this creepy crawly feeling in her belly whenever she thought or was near Simon. Nothing like butterflies, more like snakes.

She didn’t know how long she’d been thinking this all through, but she was outside of his door and the thought of going in to see him had her feeling like crap. *Gotta be done, Kaywinnet. Just get it on over with* She took a deep breath and then called his name.

“Simon!”

There were some noises behind the door and a few moments later, Simon opened the door. Unable to meet Kaylee in the eyes, he looked down. “Um… Hi, Kaylee. I was just…”

“How abouts I come into your room?” she suggested and pushed past him. It was already a small ship and they didn’t need to be settling their business in the hall.

Simon looked after her and then nervously closed the door. “Sorry I haven’t seen you around… I’ve just been reviewing some journals and seeing if there are any new procedures I should brush up on.” What he didn’t tell her was that he looking for something… anything that might help Mal with his pesky wound. He wouldn’t tell her that because he would never violate Mal’s privacy like that.

“Right,” Kaylee nodded. “You’re doing all kinds of doctory things.” It was awkward when she paused. Nothing like the easy friendship they used to face when flirting was fun. “We gotta talk, Simon.”

Simon clasped his hands in front of him in that right proper way Kaylee had loved from the very first. Even in the dirtiness of the outer planets, Simon had maintained something shiny and untouchable about him. Even after he’d probably been studying for hours, his shirt was fully buttoned and he didn’t look one hint of uncomfortable because of it.

“You have no idea how sorry I am…”

Kaylee took a step closer and put her hand on Simon’s shoulder. She merely smiled when he flinched a little and she resettled her hand. Simon didn’t like to be touched and even this contact after what had happened was something. “Don’t go weighin’ yourself down with guilt, Simon. It happens to guys.”

“It’s not a medical problem,” Simon said. He straightened his shoulders, correcting his surely perfect posture. “It’s a problem with me.”

“You’re a good man, Simon Tam,” Kaylee insisted. “A good friend.”

Simon smiled sadly and felt there might be hope for salvaging their friendship. He thought Kaylee would be disgusted with him, but there was nothing but concern in those beautiful eyes. “Kaylee, you’re everything I’ve always wanted in a woman. You’re caring, funny, beautiful… and you like River.”

Another part of her heart broke. She was seeing the real Simon now. A man, who wanted to love her, but wasn’t able to. No doubt he still cared for her deeply because he was torturing himself over this. Then something slipped into place, making it all make sense. Somehow it hurt less this way. “Simon, are you sly?”

Simon’s face went red in a matter of nanoseconds and Kaylee knew she had her answer. She took a step back, giving him the space he needed and was relieved to see him gesture for her to take a seat on his bunk. Even though his sexuality had just been questioned, he found it in him to make sure she was comfortable first.

Lowering herself to the mattress, Kaylee drew her knees up to sit cross legged. Her fingers immediately began to stroke along the teddy bear patch on the leg of her coveralls. She wouldn’t cry or fuss about something she couldn’t change. She’d liked Simon from the very start, that much was true. This just put a new spin on things. Quite a topsy turvey spin but one that would be workable, nonetheless.

“Simon…you ain’t gotta be afraid to tell me.”

Sinking down onto his sister’s bunk, Simon sighed and looked down at the floor. “I’m always afraid to tell someone. It’s not something that comes up in polite conversation either.” Gaze lifting, Simon took a deep breath. “Yes, Kaylee. I’m…sly… gay, a homosexual. Pick anyone of the above. I should’ve said something before to you, but I honestly was enjoying the flirting. I’ve been so wrapped up in getting River back that I haven’t had time to enjoy much of anything. I was flattered…I mean…I am flattered. You’re a beautiful, bright, young lady.”

Kaylee felt her face flush. “Xie-xie. [Thank you.] You’re one of the first who’s ever really made me feel pretty, want to be pretty, Simon. But hidin’ who ya really are? That ain’t no way to live. Why try to pretend if it ain’t who ya are?” She uncrossed her legs and walked over to him, patting his leg as she sat down next to him on River’s bunk. “Ain’t gonna change the way I think ‘bout ya.”

Simon turned to face her, lifting his hand up to stroke the side of her cheek. “I’ve never really been at ease with myself. I thought that maybe the right girl, the right woman, would make me otherwise. I wanted it to be you, Kaylee. I really did. It wasn’t just because you were attracted to me.”

Lifting her hand up to cover his, Kaylee brought his hand to her lips and kissed it gently. “I’m glad of that at least. But why hide? This is a big ‘verse, Simon, and bein’ sly ain’t looked down on like on Earth-That-Was. You could have any choice of guy ya wanted.”

“My parents didn’t approve of that lifestyle.”

“I can see that on some of the back water plants and moons, but in the core of the Alliance?”

“Yes. You know how the Alliance hides behind its shiny, false exterior. My family was no different. It might be easier to understand if they were religious, but they weren’t,” Simon started. This was the first time he’d ever confessed this to anyone. He knew River had always known, even before the Alliance messed with her brain, making her a reader. He owed this to Kaylee and himself to try and explain the shame. “I never told my parents. They are the shallowest people I have ever met and only concerned about appearances. They sent River off when the Alliance demanded her without even questioning, all because it looked good. They loved to say how impressed their friends and colleagues where. It sounds completely stupid now, but I was afraid to disappoint them.”

She could just imagine what it would be like to grow up in a house where you were expected to be perfect. A stern look or mean word could be just as or crueler than a slap to the face. Growing up in the Tam house must the worst kind of complicated when perfection was expected and she knew impossible to get.

“It’s not stupid,” Kaylee assured him. “Sounds like your folks were mighty controlling.”

That put a slight smile on Simon’s face. “That’s one way of putting it. In fact…” This time he picked up Kaylee’s hand and kissed it gently. “It’s the perfect way of saying it. We were supposed to be the perfect children. We were the pick of over a hundred embryos our parents had artificially inseminated in a lab. Selected for high intelligence, good genes… guess they overlooked one major flaw with me.”

“Simon, you’re not flawed,” Kaylee chided him immediately. “You’re sly. Nothin’ wrong with that.”

“Isn’t there?” Simon looked at her intensely. “I hurt you.”

“Can’t lie ‘n’ say I’m not disappointed. But I’ve already gone so long with nothing twixt my nethers but…”

“Kaylee…” Simon cut her off with a nervous laugh. His face grew more serious and he pled with her softly, “Is there anyway we can still be friends? Is there anyway you can forgive me?”

“Simon Tam, of course I can forgive you!” She smiled at him. Her eyes felt itchy and she wiped at her eyes. “Now look at this, I’m crying like a little ninny…”

“S-Sorry,” Simon muttered and started to pull away. He was mortified that he had hurt yet again.

“Hey now,” Kaylee said and grabbed Simon’s wrist. “I’m cryin’ cause I’m happy. Happy that this is all cleared up now. You’re family, Simon. Didn’t wanna loose you.”

He wasn’t sure who pulled who into the hug, but the next thing he knew, he was hugging Kaylee. Touching her in friendship like this felt right. “Xie-xie, baobei.” [Thank you, sweetheart]

Pulling back after awhile, Kaylee wiped her nose with the back of her sleeve. “Just promise you won’t go stealing any man I set my eyes on.” She meant it as a joke to make Simon laugh, but saw a deep blush set immediately onto Simon’s cheek. “Oh, you got somebody in mind?”

He cursed himself for not being able to hide much of anything from the young mechanic. He’d hardly admitted it to himself and yet she could read it plain as day on his face. “I…uh…well…”

Kaylee giggled at Simon’s stammering, trying hard to smother it behind her hand. “Aw, come on, Simon! Don’t get all tongue-tied on me now. Fess up! Ya ain’t been planetside much so it’s gotta be one of the crew, ‘less you’re pinin’ away for an old flame from home.” Kaylee leaned forward and smiled mischievously. “But I’ll put my credits on crew.”

An uncomfortable silence descended on the pair only broken by the sound of Simon’s feet as he stood up and started pacing the small room that served as his only private space. Kaylee, brow furrowed in concern, stood up and walked over to him, taking his hands in hers and squeezing them gently. “Never you mind, Simon. I ain’t got not right to be askin’ somethin’ quite so personal.”

Simon shook his head. “No, Kaylee, it’s alright. I just need a moment to collect myself.”

“Then why are ya pacin’ a hole in the floor?”

Simon leaned forward and planted a kiss on her cheek. “You are too good to me. I’ve tried to put it to back of my mind for so long now and I guess I’m scared to finally just come out and say it. To actually really let myself feel this…attraction. It scares the hell out of me.”

With a light punch to Simon’s arm, Kaylee feigned exasperation. “So, say it already.”

Simon smiled at her. “I will tell you. I promise, Kaylee. Right now I have to get to the infirmary and go over a few things for my journal. Not to mention I want to check in on Zoe and see how she’s making out.”

Kaylee sighed in frustration. “Oh, alright, but you’d better find time to tell me soon, Simon Tam. This here’s a right juicy secret that I wanna here the end to!”

“And you’ll here it.” Simon kissed her forehead lightly and headed for the door. “Let’s just get out jobs out of the way first so we have plenty of time to talk about it.”

Kaylee followed him out the door. “Yeah, I got to check the power couplings again in the engine room. Serenity’s been getting’ the hiccups lately and I wanna fix that all up ‘fore the cap’n realizes it.”

They parted and headed for their separate stations.

 

* * *

 

One hour previous…

 

Simon and Kaylee had had met up back in the infirmary not an hour later to finish their conversation, both a lot more comfortable than they had been before. Simon had asked if Serenity was all fixed up for the moment and Kaylee had been happy to reply that everything seemed shiny at the moment. She then asked how Zoe was doing and Simon, albeit guilty for not being able to tell her the whole truth, told her that she was doing better. He took a deep breath and went right in for the kill, might as well get right down to the point of why thy were even meeting up again in such a short amount of time.

“Remember what you asked me, Kaylee? Back in my room?”

Kaylee grinned. “Yep. I remember. So, c’mon, Simon… who’s the lucky guy?”

“It’s Mal.”

Kaylee’s jaw dropped. “Wuh duh ma huh ta duh fun-kwong duh wai-shung doh! [Holy mother of god and all her wacky nephews!] The cap’n? The cap’n!? As in the same cap’n you punched not that long ago? Oh, Simon.” Kaylee shook her head. “Ya sure got one helluva romantic side. So, is it the danger involved with the job or the whole notion of the tortured and shattered soul?”

Simon opened his mouth to reply but never got that far. Their short conversation was suddenly brought to a resounding hault.

“Who’s all tortured and shattered? Hope it ain’t my ship or my comm system.” Mal stepped into the room.

“Cap’n!” Kaylee took a step back from Simon, throwing the young man a very sudden and shiny smile before turning it full watt at Mal. “We’s just talkin’ a bit and…”

Mal waved his hand in dismissal. “Don’t wanna know and don’t care. My comm system, mei-mei, you got it all fixed up yet since I asked you to take care of that some time ago?”

“All fixed as promised. Coupla bad wires in the main unit, so I rerouted…”

Kaylee watched Mal’s eyes glaze over and she spurted out techno-speak, feeling a little giddy at knowing she was diverting his attention away from Simon. The poor guy had almost jumped a kilometre into the air the moment the cap’n had spoken. She let herself babble along for a few minutes before stopping to give the older man another brilliant smile.

Mal rocked forward on his toes. “So, in stupid man’s terms, she’s all fixed?”

Kaylee laughed. “Yep, she’s shiny. I’d never let my good girl, or my cap’n for that matter, down.”

“That’s good ta hear. Now there’s some funny knockin’ noises coming from the engine room that need attending to,” Mal told her.

Kaylee’s face set into a concentrated scowl. “Was it somethin’ like tink tink tink, or more of thunk clang? Because the tink tink tink is relatively normal since I fused a few valves, but if it’s the thunk clang, then I…”

“Don’t know and don’t care,” Mal sighed. “Just fix it.” With that Mal turned to go, leaving Simon and Kaylee alone in the room again.

“So, ya like your men grumpy?” Kaylee giggled after a moment. She couldn’t help herself.

“Kaylee!” Simon sighed and felt another blush rising on his cheeks. Of course it would only be Kaylee who could instantly change back into her bubbly personality. She was a true treasure.

“What?” Kaylee said and poked him in the chest. “It’s shiny between us. Now we just have to turn our attentions to gettin’ you together with the cap’n.”

“Oh no,” Simon shook his head and felt his cheeks burning even more. “Please, Kaylee. Don’t say anything. Please?”

“Not gonna do nothin’,” Kaylee promised brightly. She put her hand behind her back and crossed her fingers. “Promise.”


	2. Chapter 2

Back in present time…

Mal felt the fury bubbling up as he stalked towards the infirmary. With every step he was becoming more determined remembered the hurt look on Kaylee’s face. The final straw came when he walked into the Med Bay and the damn boy turned around, smiling at him. Simon was smiling when Kaylee was in pain.

In a few quick strides Mal was across the small room and greeted him with a fist in the face. He watched in satisfaction as Simon hit the wall with a loud thud. He was on him quickly and punched Simon in the stomach.

“Nee boo go-guh, nee hwoon dahn! [You don't deserve her, you bastard!],” Mal growled. He grabbed Simon’s shirt at the shoulders, pulling him up and slamming him against the wall. The shelves around them filled with medicine bottles rattled in protest.

Simon shook his head. “M-Mal…”

“I thought after Miranda you would get it through your thick Alliance bred skull that my crew is family!” Mal roared into Simon’s face. “You don’t mess with my family!”

Again Mal thumped him against the wall and already Simon’s head was spinning. He could feel his nose bleeding, spilling onto his shirt. Mal’s eyes were filled with murderous rage. Rage Simon knew that Mall had been keeping bottled since Miranda and it was all directed at him.

“I thought I was family, Mal…”

“You been nothin’ but a hindrance to me and mine since the day you walked onboard. You lied to us all right from the get-go. You’ve cost this ship her livelihood and her pay so many times I done lost count. I don’t wanna lose anyone else, Simon Tam! I won’t…” Mal’s grip loosened on Simon’s shirt as he started to sink towards the floor. With no regard to his own injuries, Simon grabbed for him, trying to keep him upright.

“It’s all my fault. No one else’s but mine.” Mal’s babbling was barely coherent and Simon found himself being pulled down along with the captain. Knees drawn up and face hidden behind them, Mal continued his monologue. Simon grabbed at one of the drawers next to him and got out some clean rags. Pressing them to his nose to staunch the bleeding, he tried to get his mind wrapped around what had just happened. The rational mind knew that this was about grief and the fear of losing another member of the crew. This time it was Kaylee and the strange behaviour between the two of them since their failed sexual encounter. The emotional part of him was shattered. Was this really what Mal felt about him, that he was nothing more than a spoiled snobbish brat?

The bleeding from his nose had all but stopped so Simon turned his attention back to the emotional wreck in front of him. “Captain?”

Voice muffled by the fabric of his pants as well as his knees, Mal groaned. “Jus’ go ‘way, Simon. Before I do somethin’ stupid again.”

“Mal…I…”

Mal’s face came into view, redder than Simon could ever remember seeing it. “Get…out…now. GO!”

Simon’s gaze flickered for a moment above Mal’s right shoulder. Kaylee was there, her eyes wide in sudden fear as to what was going on but she was functioning with a precision that surprised Simon. With the quick and silent movements, she had pulled out the smoother and was loading the sedative quickly into it.

Simon stood slowly, so as not to cause another violent reaction from Mal. With hands outstretched in front of him, he started to move off the side like he was going to go around him. “Okay, okay. I’ll go, you just take whatever time you need here. I’m sure you’ll feel better soon enough.”

Kaylee crept silently up behind Mal but not silently enough for a war veteran. As he turned his head to find her there, she had the smoother pressed to the side of his neck. His eyes widened suddenly at her presence and she gave him a sad smile as she pressed the trigger.

“M’sorry, Cap’n.”

A single tear rolled down Mal’s cheek as Kaylee caught him and laid him back on the floor. “M’sorry….too.” The last thing he saw was a matching tear on her’s before his world went black.

 

* * *

 

Jayne leaned back in the chair at the table and shook his head. “He gonna be mighty pissed when he wakes up. Couple heads might roll.” Gaze flickering over to Simon’s, Jayne grinned evilly. “Someone finally grew a pair at least.”

Simon rolled his eyes. “I didn’t do it. It was Kaylee.”

Jayne’s eyes went wide. “Whafuck? You serious?” Jayne looked over at Kaylee. “Lil’ Kaylee, Mal’s gonna skin you alive and that shiny, happy go-se [shit] ain’t gonna help you one itty-bitty bit. No sir.”

“That would be ma’am,” Kaylee corrected with a sweet smile directed towards Jayne.

Jayne made a hmphing sound and scowled at her, even though he had a hint more of respect for her. “Don’t you go getting’ all uppity with me, ‘lil girl.”

“Jayne…” Simon warned him.

“No, Simon,” Kaylee cut him off. Her hands were playing with the button on her overalls. “Let him growl all he wants. It’s kinda cute.”

The chair Jayne was leaning back in slammed down hard onto the metal floor. He thought the girl must be as moon-touched as the other one. “Cute?”

“Yeah, I said kinda. Either ya look cute or constipated. Depends on the look when you’re tryin’ ta be scary. I’d be more scared of the capt’n any day than I would be of you and I’m not scared of him either. Sure he’ll be grumpy when he wakes up…”

“Grumpy?” Jayne snorted. He was starting to get mighty unsettled by the girl, so it was best to turn the conversation to something he understood… violence. “He’s gonna want ta kill someone.” Turning his gaze on Simon, eyes focusing on the blood stained shirt. “And guessin’ that you’re the one with access to the dopey juice, I’m guessin’ that’s gonna be you, Doc.”

Simon sighed and ran his hands through his hair. There wasn’t much time before the soother wore off. “Can we please address the problem at hand?”

“Right, ya mean the one where the Cap’n beat the shit outta ya and then you drugged him?” Janye offered.

“Yes, that one,” Simon sighed. He didn’t have the energy to fight with Jayne right now. He head was throbbing and he stomach ached from Mal’s last punch. “I’ll be there when he wakes up. I’ll handle it.”

“He’s gonna finish the job he started,” Jayne warned. He pulled out a long knife and laid it on the table. “You want ta borrow her for protection?”

Simon looked over at the couch where Mal was laid out. The infirmary would have been better, but he didn’t want Mal to break any of the medical equipment when he woke up. Miranda was just starting to catch up with their Captain and Simon knew whatever he was dealing with was far from over.

Simon shook his head. “I’m willing to take whatever he gives me.”

“Oh, Simon…” Kaylee reached out and grasped his hand. She knew that he wasn’t just talking about their Captain’s temper. Deep down she knew that Mal wouldn’t really hurt Simon. They would have to work this all out for themselves. Besides, she knew more than anything else, Mal’s guilt would protect Simon. She turned her gaze to Jayne and told him, “C’mon, Jayne. We’re leavin’.”

“Hell no!” Jayne shook his head. He picked up his knife and ran his thumb along the flat blade. “I want ta see the carnage.”

Kaylee was behind him instantly, smacking the back of his head with a force that sent him a step forward. “Hwoon dahn. [Jerk.]”

“What in the gorram [damn] hell was that for!” Jayne yelled at her, his hand rubbing at the back of his head.

“You bein’ an ass. Get movin’, Jayne. Simon’s got enough to deal with without you bein’ here to make matters all kinds a’worse.” She grabbed a hold of his arm and gave an insistent tug. He shrugged her off and got himself one hell of a look for it, her arms crossing right below her breasts. A pissed off Kaylee was one to be reckoned with and Jayne had no need of that. Not to mention the tongue thrashin’ he’d get from Mal if he found out he’d upset her.

“I can walk on my own. Don’t need you to hold my hand and lead me out, gorram [damn] it. ‘Nless a’course, you wanna be holdin’ my hand?” He winked at her suggestively as he started past her and it got him a good smack on his ass. That brought him to an abrupt halt and he spun around to face her.

Kaylee stood there smiling. “You wouldn’t be able to handle me, Jayne Cobb. I’d be leading you around by your yinjing [penis] before I even started getting’ nekkid.” She turned to look at Simon. “If ya need backup, Simon, I’ll be in the engine room.” With that, she turned and walked past a still gaping Jayne, heading out.

Jayne stood for a moment, not exactly sure what to do, and Simon tried to hide the smile behind his hand. Jayne saw him and levelled a hard gaze at him. “Smile all ya want, Doc. Won’t be smilin’ for long. Looks like the Captain’s starting to come ‘round.” A lecherous grin spread over Jayne’s face. “Enjoy your last moments, kid.”

Simon turned his attention away from Jayne and looked down to where Mal was laid out on the couch. He knew he was in trouble and the idea of giving the Captain a local shot to keep him from being able to move long enough to hear him out crossed his mind. He quickly shot the idea down. Mal would be highly pissed, even more so, to find that he couldn’t move an inch. Simon ran a shaky hand back through his hair and wondered again why he had chosen Serenity in the first place that day at the docks on Persephone.

A low moan had Simon snapping back to the present. Instincts kicking in, he leaned forward and found himself with a hand around his throat. Blue eyes like ice stared up into his and Simon immediately decided that a local would have been a good idea.

Mal’s voice was slightly slurred even though his grip was strong. The older man licked his lips and grinned evilly up into Simon’s scared face.

“Your bedside manner’s lacking, Doc. Ya wanna explain to me why I shouldn’t rip your throat out right now for hurtin’ Kaylee or would jus’ rather scream for the help you’re gonna need?”

“Shuh m-muh [I’m s-sorry],” Simon weezed. He wanted to pry Mal’s hand off his throat, but he didn’t dare.

“I don’t think sorry cuts it,” Mal growled and tightened his grip. He was pleased to see Simon’s eyes widen even more and his breath catch in his throat. “I’ve killed men for less.” It was the sad accepting look in Simon’s eyes that made him loosen his grip enough for Simon to breathe.

“You were out of control…”

“You deserved it.” Mal moved his hand from Simon’s throat to heavily grasp the collar of his shirt. Giving him a good shake, his eyes started to focus on Simon’s face. A dark bruise was already forming across his noise. “Still want to mess ya up more for hurtin’ sweet Kaylee. You’re lucky I don’t kick you and your kwong-juh duh [crazy] sister off my ship.”

Simon accepted Mal’s blame. He accepted Mal wanting to hurt him, because he deserved it for hurting and lying to Kaylee. What he wouldn’t accept was Mal threatening R ver. His hand moved to grab Mal’s wrist and his eyes flashed with new defiance. “Don’t you dare bring River into this!”

Mal pulled his hand away from Simon sharply. He struggled to sit up and glared at Simon. Wanting to lash out, he knew his sister was Simon’s greatest weakness. “Why not? You’re her keeper. Though you do a half-assed job at it with all her talkin’ ta dead people.”

“Don’t…” Simon warned. “This is between us. You want to blame someone, then blame me! You want to hit someone… fine! But next time I’m going to fight back and not just take pity on you!” The minute he said the word pity, he knew it was a mistake. This was exactly why they always clashed. Mal made him say things he would never say to anyone else… but at the same time, made him feel more deeply than anyone else except River. He ran a hand through his hair in frustration. “You were out of control. I shouldn’t have done it.”

Mal’s head was still groggy and this was why he hated drugs. Pain was familiar and easy enough to deal with, but he hated being out of control. He hated it more than complications and here was the Doctor causing both in his life.

“Just fucking get away from me,” Mal growled.

It was an out that Simon wasn’t going to take. He knelt down and put his hand on the couch next to Mal’s thigh. “No. We need to deal with this now.”

“Fine.” Mal’s tone was low and dangerous. “You do that to me again ‘n’ I throw you outta the nearest airlock. You hurt Kaylee again and by the time I’m done with ya, you’ll wish for death. What do you think would happened if I gave River a choice between stayin’ on Serenity ‘n’ you?”

Simon couldn’t believe the laugh that escaped him. It reminded him of River’s laughter when she had dealt with Jubal Early. It scared him, but he wouldn’t let Mal see it. “I don’t think you’d want to ask her that question, Captain.” He spit out the formality like it was venom. “I think you’d be the one thrown out of the nearest airlock. Haven’t you learned a damned thing since you allowed us on board? River doesn’t do ultimatums. Neither do I.”

Mal forced himself up into a sitting position albeit slowly. “Nor do I like havin’ people onboard my ship thinkin’ they can take matters into their own hands, ‘specially matters concernin’ me, who would be the captain of said ship.”

Standing up to give himself a slight advantage over Mal, as well as get his throat of the man’s reach, Simon crossed his arms over his chest. “If you would have been a rational human being at the time you entered the infirmary, I would have explained things to you in a rational manner. You didn’t leave me very little choice on that matter, what with your fist deciding to use my face as a punching bag.”

Mal had squeezed his eyes shut hoping that it would help clear his blurry vision during Simon’s speech. He opened them slowly once Simon quieted, giving the younger man a calculated look. Simon’s fiery red cheeks and blazing eyes weren’t lost on him, instead he found himself getting even angrier by seeing the doctor in a tirade. “Look, none a’this woulda happened if you weren’t givin’ one of my crew a hard time.”

“If you would have found the time to ask, Mal, you would have known that Kaylee and I are now perfectly fine! Not how that is any of your gorram [damn] business in the first place!” Simon had leaned down into Mal’s personal space and jabbed a finger into his chest.

“I’ll ask ya once, Simon, and only once, kindly remove your finger from offa me or else you’ll be findin’ it awful hard to reattach it with needle and thread with jus’ one hand.” It came out in a low, deep growl. Mal watched in triumph as Simon pulled away. “I ain’t apologizin’ for what I did. So don’t even think it. Never woulda happened in the first gorram [damn] place if you hadn’t played her for a fool.”

Simon took a deep breath to keep from going off yet again. He hated that Mal was getting the better of him, forcing him to sink down to such a petty level as a shouting match. He turned and reached for his medical bag on the table, opening it up to take out a bottle of pills. Simon really didn’t want to give Mal the pills to help ease the headache he knew the Captain had, but this was who he was if nothing else…a doctor. He shook out two. “This never would have happened if you would quit trying to control everyone else’s life around you. You may be the captain but you sure as hell are not God.”

Mal looked suspiciously at the pills in Simon’s palm like they were made of cyanide. “Well being as there’s no God, then I don’t feel bad controlling the world around me.”

“Luh-suh! [Garbage],” Simon snapped. “You’re just are a narcissistic hwoon dahn [bastard]. And these scary little pills that you’re scowling at are for your headache. Because I know that you’re already abnormally swelled head must feel like it’s getting bigger.”

“You’re a terrible doctor,” Mal growled and shoved Simon’s hand away.

“And you’re a terrible patient!” He got up and walked over to the sink. He grabbed a glass and filled it water. When stalked back to the couch he held out the pills in one hand and the glass of water in the other. “I think you’re scared. Now why don’t you prove me wrong and take these pills. Unless you’re really scared…”

Mal’s eyes narrowed. He knew the damn boy was trying to manipulate him, but he hated to back down from a challenge. He was Captain Malcolm Reynolds and he wasn’t afraid of no gorram [damn] pills. Grabbing the pills quickly, he downed them dry. “Got any pills to fix your broken nose, Doc?”

“You didn’t break it,” Simon told him and straightened up to look down at the single most stubborn patient he had ever had. “It barely hurt and it’s not a victory to make me bleed. Tams have always been bleeders.”

“As well as pompous know-it-all Alliance uppity…”

Simon turned and started to pack up his medical bag. He had to lay one of his palms flat on the table to hide the fact that it was shaking. “You’ll soon run out of descriptive terms for me, Captain. Trust me, I clearly understand that you don’t like me. I also understand what you will do to me if I hurt Kaylee again. Which, I can assure you won’t happen.”

He was still pissed off and Simon was doing that annoying Doctor routine of his. “Because the Tams aren’t only bleeders, but they’re known for their mighty self-control? How do I know that ya won’t go chasin’ after her when ya get all remorseful and realize what a fine girl you let away?”

The palm flat on the table curled up into a fist. He looked down and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. Now would be the time to get away from here. “Trust me, Captain Reynolds. I won’t pursue Kaylee. She’s better off without me.”

“Gorram [Damn] right she is ‘n’ don’t ya forget that.” Mal managed to stagger to his feet, but still had his hand on the back of the couch so he wouldn’t loose his balance. “Who ever takes you on will have ta be moon-touched.”

Simon couldn’t do it. He wanted desperately to just walk away from this confrontation but Mal was making it difficult every single step of the way. Saying his piece had felt good, really great in fact even if he knew the guilt would rise up in him later. Simon hadn’t been raised to act this way but he wouldn’t stand to be taunted and humiliated like this.

“You know what?” Simon turned around and took a few steps in Mal’s direction. “You’re probably right about that. But at least whoever ‘takes me on’ as you so delicately put it won’t be nearly as incompetent and crude as you are.”

Mal’s mouth dropped open. “Lemme tell you somethin’, boy…”

Simon snatched up his bag. “Shove it, Captain. I’m here to do my job. You don’t want me to do that anymore, drop me and my sister off next time we’re planet-side. I’m sure you can find suitable replacements for a pair of moon-touched Tams.” He strode out of the room, never even noticing that Mal had collapsed back down onto the couch.

 

* * *

 

River pushed a lock of her dark hair behind her ear and sighed. She could feel the heat and anger radiating from her brother as well as Mal. It made her head dizzy, so much subtext going on underneath it all. Men were stupid at picking up subtleties. Staring out at the endless starfield, River concentrated on the Captain, imagining a silver thread extending from her forehead to his. The frustration hit her like she’d slammed up against a brick wall. He saw red, many vivid shades of it. She pulled back, not wanting to let herself drown in a sea of blood. It was too much to take in.

Things needed to be simplified. Simen wanted to leave but was tied to Mal in complicated knots of love and hate. Both threads would lead to hurt in some shape or form, but which was the better thread to cut? River loved Serenity and she loved Simon. Removing one from the equation was problematic, perpetually impossible. Simon was her life, yet Serenity was her heartbeat now. She needed both to survive.

“This won’t do. It’s like trying to add apples to rocks. It doesn’t compute.”

River reached over and keyed the comm unit. “Kaylee?”

There was a small yelp and then Kaylee’s voice floated through. “Hiya, River. Ya startled me.”

“I need your help.”

Kaylee’s voice sounded concerned. “Is everything okay, sweetie? Do I need to get the cap’n to the bridge?”

“No, I’m fine.” A small smile pulled at the corners of River’s mouth. “Everything is going to be just fine.”

 

* * *

 

“Jien tah-duh guay!” [Like hell I will!]

Kaylee sighed dramatically and rolled her eyes. “Cap’n, you was outta line and you know it. If you was gonna try to strangle the living bejeezus outta anyone for the smoother it shoulda been me. Simon ain’t done nothin’ but try to be a good doctor for us and now you’s gonna go and blow it all back up again like you did before. Remember?”

Mal levelled a finger at Kaylee, his face beginning to tighten at what she was implying. “Kaywinnit Frye, I will not, nor will I ever, apologize to that prissy, uptight, hwoon dahn [bastard]…”

“Bee-jway! [Shut up!] I’m done askin, Cap’n. I ain’t ever been nothin’ but civil and shiny, just tried to not step on no one’s toes. But this time I’m putting my foot down.” She threw her arms up in the air. “Hell! We done lost enough of our family’n’crew right now. I ain’t about to let you take your hurts out on no one else.” She stepped forward and put her hand lightly on his arm. “You was tryin’ to protect me, Cap’n. I know that. But I ain’t a little girl no more.”

“You’ll always be a little girl…”

“And you’ll always be an old man. Do this for me, Cap’n… please?”

Damn it but the girl was giving him the look. It was the kind of innocent pleading look that was completely manipulating and oh so easy to fall for. “No promises.” With that he turned around and left her standing in the corridor.

The routine in a ship was artificial with day and night only part of your imagination. Mal roamed the corridors of his ship for hours, avoiding the others and irate over his conversation with his mechanic. Somehow he just knew when everyone had settled down and the only one likely to be awake was River shut up in the bridge. Coming along the catwalk overlooking the hold, he heard the soft clank of metal on metal. As he got closer, he was certain it was Jayne working out. He smiled to himself thinking that now would be a lovely time for a fight.

As his gaze settled onto the prone form smoothly lifting the bar, he knew it wasn’t Jayne Cobb. The sweaty chest was well-muscled as they flexed and strained. His hand grasped the railing and he was transfixed watching Simon. It was hard to believe that was the same prissy doctor who aggravated him to no end.

Simon was lost in the rhythm of the workout, pushing himself so that he wouldn’t feel. It was over half an hour ago that he had given up on trying to sleep or even make any reasonable progress at studying his journals. His mind was still racing, going over the events of the past few days and weeks. Sometimes a photographic memory wasea gift, but at times like this it was a curse. He could remember every accusing glare Mal gave him. Every cutting word was etched into his consciousness and it hurt more because it came from Mal. He was so wrapped up in his memories and the ache of pushing himself to exhaustion that he didn’t hear Mal approach him. Feeling a hand touch his own on the bar, he just about dropped it.

Mal wrapped his hand around Simon’s to secure the bar. He looked at Simon’s normally pale complexion that was now red and with sweat running off his face. “Ya tryin’ ta kill yourself, boy?”

Simon heaved in a deep breath and would have jerked away, but if he did, the bar would drop onto his chest. He felt Mal guiding the heavy bar to the rack and Simon didn’t fight it. When the bar was safely back in place, Simon was just about to move, but Mal was quicker. Mal kneeled next to the bench and placed a restraining hand on Simon’s chest.

“It’s time you ‘n’ and me had another talk.”

The action was immediate and based in fear. “Don’t touch me…” Simon whispered hoarsely.

Mal didn’t move, but pressed Simon down harder onto the bench. “Now what did I say about you telling me what to do?”

Simon’s mind could come up with no rhetorical comment. “Your ship?”

Mal smiled. “He can be taught! It’s a miracle.” He watched as Simon’s mouth started to open. “Don’t say nothin’, Simon. Just listen, no interruptions for once, dong ma?” [understand] Once Simon had nodded, Mal took a deep breath in. “Okay, here goes. I got one very upset mechanic that’s ‘bout ready to pound me into the hull of my own ship at this very moment if I don’t get things settled on this. So, I’m sorry I got the wrong idea as to what was goin’on.” Mal realized he still had his hand on Simon’s chest and he quickly pulled it back. The kid’s breathing was a little erratic. *What do ya expect, Mal, kid’s been down here pumpin’ iron for who knows how long.*

Simon could only stare at Mal, the feeling of that calloused hand on his skin had caused all of his blood to start heading south. The words had barely registered to him at all. Mal was so close to him and it was unsettling. All Simon had to do was reach out and his fingers would be able to trace along a strong jawline, trace around to the nape of his neck and real him in. Lips were moving and he found himself fascinated at the way Mal’s mouth formed words. A flash of white teeth and just a hint of a pink tongue had Simon suddenly pushing himself upright and reaching for the towel on the floor.

“Oh, juh jen sh guh kwai luh duh jean-jan…” [Oh, this is a happy development…] Simon muttered to himself. He wiped the towel quickly over his face and then dropped it down into his lap to hide the sudden interest his dick was sporting for the nearness of the captain.

Mal stood up, groaned, and threw his hands up in aggravation. “What’d I say!? I knew this was a bad idea from the start! I told Kaylee…”

“Wait, wait, wait! Hold on. Kaylee got you to do this?” Simon’s heart felt like it fell down into his feet. Why should he have expected Mal to do this on his own?

“She asked me and there ain’t much that I won’t do for the girl.” Mal watched as Simon’s face started to turn a deeper shade of red. “Okay, look, let’s be honest here, alright? I know I done wrong by you, Doc. I’m tryin’ the best I can to deal with about a thousand different things right now. So, yeah, Kaylee asked me to smooth things over, but don’t it mean a gorram [damn] thing that I am here tryin’?”

Simon stood up and looked Mal in the eye from the other side of the weight bench. “I just…I don’t know. Sometimes it’s hard to tell where I stand with you. One minute everything is fine, we’re all family. The next minute I’ve got you barging in to wherever I happen to be at the moment complaining about River or just making me feel like I’m some kind of lesser being on the Serenity food chain. Which is it, Mal? Because I’m tired of not knowing.” Simon tried hard not to look scared. Here he was trying to get some kind of feeling from Mal, some inkling into what the man thought about him. It could very well work, but it may not be the answer he was looking for.

Mal looked away from Simon’s gaze, his eyes noticing how the doc was making sure to keep his groin covered since he’d grabbed the towel. *Huh. Looks like he needs to be working out another muscle here sometime soon.*

Mal shook the thought from his head and forced himself to look back at Simon. “I’m here ain’t I? That should say somethin’ at the very least.” He sighed internally as Simon nodded his head. “Alright, I’m goin’ to bed. You finish doin’…” Mal waved his hand at the weight bench. “This. Just be careful, alright? Jayne’d get a might pissed off if he came down here in the mornin’ to find you squashed dead like a bug on his property.” Mal couldn’t help himself as he took another look over Simon’s muscled stomach and torso. “Lookin’ good, Doc. Figured you for a beanpole m’self, truth be told. Ya hide too much in your fancy outfits.”

Simon took a step back and his mouth hung open in a way that reminded Mal of fish. In fact, it was nice seeing the normally uptight doctor all off kilter. He watched the younger man’s hands squeeze the towel in the death grip.

Simon looked down at the floor and focused on a bolt by Mal’s boot. “Ah, thank you, Captain.” He tried to make his tone sound normal.

Even though Simon tried, he wasn’t successful. Mal picked up the nervousness in his voice with those few words. It was another crack in Simon’s armour that intrigued him. His right hand ran along one of his suspenders and he cocked his head slightly to the side. “G’night, Doc.”

Forgetting every bit of manners that had been grilled into him during his childhood, Simon fled without answering. He didn’t run, but his step was quick. What he didn’t see was Mal bending down to pick up the shirt Simon forgot in his haste to get away. He also missed the way that Mal’s fingers traced over the finely tailored seams and fancy buttons.


	3. Chapter 3

Back in the safety of his room, Simon leaned back against the closed door and squeezed his eyes shut. A simple workout had turned everything upside down. It was supposed to be his time when everyone else was asleep and he felt safe enough to do something Jayne was comfortable doing anytime. Taking off his shirt and shedding his doctor persona made him vulnerable. Of course Mal would find him at his most vulnerable. He dropped the towel and rubbed his hands over his face.

He tried to tell himself that he had imagined the way Mal looked at him, but there was no ignoring the touch… the firm grip that had held him down. His damnable memory even recalled the way Mal’s fingertips had slid over his slick chest. Mal had said he looked good…

Simon thumped his head back against the door. “Gorram [damn] idiot!” he growled at himself. “He doesn’t even like you! He loves Inara.”

He was pathetic and probably delusional for thinking a man like Mal could love him. Even a pity fuck was more than he could ever hope for. There were only two things he could really count on in this ‘verse… himself and River.

*But… why was there always a ‘but’? But why can’t you indulge just a bit? It can’t harm anything.* His hand started to slowly caress his chest imagining it was Mal. He was so alone and miserable that he couldn’t deny himself this small moment, telling himself he wouldn’t ever give in again. In his fantasy Mal wouldn’t hate him or look at him with distain. Mal would touch him, just like he was gently running a hand down his own chest.

Mal had said he looked good. And it wouldn’t hurt much now to imagine the other man would say more. Simon wished there wouldn’t be hollow promises and lies like so many others had told him. Maybe Mal would kiss his stomach and run his tongue around his navel. The very idea made Simon moan and tilt his head back against the cool metal of the door. Closing his eyes, he could almost feel Mal’s tongue on his skin. He just knew someone like Mal would be an intense lover and here… in his mind and the quiet of this room… he could push away the doubt and embrace his dirty thoughts. Thoughts that he had hidden from his parents, Kaylee, and even himself.

The soft rustling of material as he opened his pants was the only other sound in the room, adding to his soft gasps. It was too easy to think about how Mal’s hands would feel on his hips, holding him down against the weight bench. Mal had been crouching down by him… so close… close even to smell him… taste him.

“Mal…” Simon moaned deeply. His hand gripped his cock and he wanted it to be Mal’s mouth. Fingers wrapping around the sensitive tip could be lips. Fingertips that teased the opening and became slick with pre-cum could be a curious tongue. The hands that held a weapon with such skill could hold him down and make sure he accepted the gift of pleasure the way Mal wanted to give it too him. His hand was teasingly slow, like he thought Mal would prolong it. Draw it out…make him beg for it. He ached, both his heart and his cock. Right now he wasn’t sure there was a difference as both belonged to Mal. A deep longing for Mal… his slick hand gripped just right, right under the head of his cock and he came with a soft plea. “Please, Mal…”

* * *

“Simon!”

Mal’s back arched slightly off the mattress as his orgasm ripped through him, his one hand milking the last of the fluid from his cock while the other loosened its death grip on Simon’s silk shirt. He lay there, spent, and quite pleased with himself. Been a good long while since he’d actually felt this satisfied from having to ‘tend his plow’ all by himself. Sighing contentedly, Mal forced himself up off the bed to make short work of cleaning himself up. He was all fine and dandy til he happened to look at himself in the mirror. His smile faded slightly.

“You are a gorram [damn] fool, Reynolds.”

Thing was, he saw Simon’s reaction. Couldn’t miss it if you had a pair of working eyes, probably couldn’t have missed it even if ya didn’t. And when he’d taken off, he’d gotten a fine view of ass as well, those pants riding low on his slim hips. He’d brought the shirt back to his bunk with him, knowing full well something like that would have been lifted by Jayne in no time flat. More than likely the merc would have used it to swaddle Vera up in.

Mal had tried hard to just set the shirt aside, leave it there sitting on the desk until he could hand it back to the doc the next day. It had taunted him. His gaze kept being drawn over to it as Mal lounged on his bed, reading over some of the lists of supplies that needed to be picked up upon meeting up with Badger. That’s how it all started. Before he knew it, he was standing at the desk shirt in hand letting his fingers caress over the mother of pearl buttons, the soft material gliding over his knuckles. On impulse, he brought it up to his mouth, letting the softness rub against his lips. For a fleeting moment, Mal imagined it to be Simon’s lips on his. His tongue snaked out and flicked against the silk, tasting sweat and detergent, tasting Simon. He could smell the younger man. One thing had led to another and before he’d really known what had happened, Mal had been naked on his bunk, hand wrapped around his swollen and needy cock with the shirt clenched in his other hand. Images of Simon’s sweaty chest laid out before him on the bench, muscles clenching and relaxing, heavy breathing as the bar went up and then came back down.

Mal pounded his fist down on the edge of the sink and tried to breathe. This was gonna make for all kinds of hell. He’d never had a problem with this before now. Sure, he’d let his mind wander over what he could do with Simon in the past, but he’d never had such a feeling as this, this sudden surge of guilt and longing. What in the gorram [damn] hell did he think he was doing? He’d lusted after Inara for the longest of times and yet never really touched her in the way he’d wanted. He couldn’t. There were too many undercurrents, demons to tackle, that kept getting in the way. They still continued to flirt, but it was only to keep up the norm on board the ship now. His heart was only partially in it.

Simon was different. Simon was the complete opposite of himself, and Mal found it both annoying and compelling at the same time. Here was the genius young doctor, raised rich on a central Alliance plant, had everything handed to him, had high standards and morals to always do for the greater good for others above himself. Simon had manners and a social grace about him that said a genteel upbringing. Mal, on the other hand, had a few of those but not in the same way. Sure, he’d been raised almost piss poor on an outer rim planet where he worked from sun up to sun down. He had some education and he’d served in the war, albeit for the Independents. He’d done what he thought was for the greater good, and the greater good had crushed him beneath it’s big boot heel until he was nothing more than a piss poor captain trying to lay low from the Alliance. It made for many a good confrontation, because above all else, what they may have been doing was wrong, but it was right for his crew. To Mal it was about keeping his crew fed and with money in their pockets. It was about survival.

Now factor in that Mal was older, and truth be told, much more sarcastic and worn ‘round the edges. What would someone like Simon see in him? The doc was probably having delusions of grandeur and flights of romanticism about being on board with a group of renegades and pirates. But that glamour dies quickly when you’re actually living it. Nothing great ‘bout living hand to mouth on a ship that, though dearly loved, was constantly in need of good repairs. So many bodies inside one vessel and tempers were bound to flare up when there was nothing but free time on their hands.

Damn, but Mal hated complications, and this was shapin’ up to be one helluva complication. A complication by the name of Simon Tam. Maybe it was time that he nipped this whole situation in the bud before it got out of hand. It made sense now why it didn’t work out with Kaylee. The boy was sly. With only two men to choose from on the ship and one of them a dumb monkey like Jayne… it was only desperation that pushed Simon to him.

His hand caressed the pretty silk of Simon’s shirt again. Wouldn’t do to have their doctor distracted and wanting things… people that he shouldn’t. It would be best if Simon was broken quickly. Even as he went over it all, he was deciding that it was the right thing to do.

“Yu bun duh [stupid] boy,” he growled. “Gonna be for your own good.”

* * *

Simon was walking down the catwalk and reading one of his journals. It gave him an excuse to keep his eyes downcast in case he ran into Mal. So far he’d managed to avoid Mal all morning, but in a ship this small, it was inevitable to run unto him. He was so involved in thinking about Mal that he didn’t see Jayne step out in front of him.

“Heya, Doc,” Jayne greeted. He was standing at his full height with arms crossed across his chest.

“What do you want, Jayne?”

“It’s not what I want, it’s what the cap’n wants…”

Simon didn’t like the smirk on Jayne’s face at all and he hated that he felt a blush rising on his cheeks. “What do you want, Jayne?” This time he repeated it with more force.

“Cap’n wants ta see ya, Doc. Says it was important ‘n’ you’d better not keep him waiting since he’s been lookin’ for ya all mornin’. Last time I saw him, he was headin’ towards Inara’s shuttle.”

Simon raised his chin and tucked the journal at his side. “You’d better not be lying to me.”

Jayne met his gaze and his smirk got more self-satisfied. “Ya wanna risk it?”

Simon turned around and walked away from Jayne without answering. Whatever it was, he had every intention of keeping his pride. Heading towards Inara’s shuttle, he wondered if Mal wanted Inara there to cushion the blow. When he woke up, he knew he had made a fool of himself last night. There was no way Mal could have missed his… indiscretion. *But he said you looked good.* It was the voice that teased him with his fantasy. The dim hope that maybe, with time, Mal would accept him. It was a lonely ship and maybe Mal would get lonely enough to…

His thoughts were killed the moment he saw Mal coming out of Inara’s shuttle with his shirt off and a satisfied look on his face. Mal’s shirt dangled from his hand and his chest was slick with oil.

“Hey, Doc,” Mal greeted him with a lazy smile.

“C-Captain,” Simon managed to choke out without sounding too shaken. “Jayne told me you wanted to see.”

“Yeah,” Mal nodded. He was having his own internal war trying to remember that this was for Simon’s own good. Simon couldn’t hide the wounded look in those brown eyes. “We’re getting close to Persephone. So I need ya to make a list of everything ya need ‘n’ I’ll pick it up ‘iffin we got the funds.”

Simon took a step backwards. “That was all you wanted to talk to me about?”

Mal had started putting on his shirt when Simon asked the question. He paused at doing up the first button. “Somethin’ else we need to be discussin’?” Mal watched Simon closely, not really wanting to do this to the kid but it needed to be done. Fantasizing was one thing, but this couldn’t happen. No gorram [damn] way, not now. He cocked his head to the side and gave Simon a few seconds to stand there gaping at him. “Hello, Doc? Ya look like you been cryo’d.”

He watched suddenly as some sort of transformation took place. Simon’s shoulders straightened, his chin lifted a fraction of an inch, and he placed on a very fake smile, but a smile nonetheless. “Sorry, Captain. Just trying to think of what I need to put on that list. I’ll be sure to get it to you within the next hour or so. I’ll go ahead and make my way to the infirmary and start checking my supplies.”

Mal nodded his head and watched as Simon’s eyes narrowed just slightly. That’s when he noticed that Simon was looking over his shoulder. Damn but she was silent when she wanted to be.

“Mal.” Inara’s voice caused a quick sinking feeling to begin in his stomach. “Can you make sure that we get plenty of detergent while we’re planet-side? I’m really going to have to take care of washing all this oil out of my sheets.”

He coughed slightly, turning around to face Inara so that Simon wouldn’t see the sudden laughter building inside him. “Oh, yeah. I’ll make sure we get some.”

Inara stood there in her shift and smiled. “Thank you.” She looked over Mal’s shoulder and smiled at Simon. “Hello, Simon.”

Mal turned back around in time to see Simon nod his head in greeting. “Inara.” Simon’s gaze returned to Mal. “Well then, I’ll be in the infirmary. I’ll get that list all prepared for you.”

With that, Simon turned and walked away, his pace a little quicker than normal.

Mal sighed, his shoulders slouching now that the ruse was over.

“Why do I have the feeling that something just happened here?” Inara made her way around Mal’s side to stand in front of him, her arms crossing beneath her breasts.

Mal shrugged his shoulders. “Women always see subtext in things, how the hell am I supposed to know?”

Inara raised her perfect eyebrows. “Mal…”

“Look, Inara, don’t ask. Just don’t say a word at all if anyone and I do mean anyone, comes around wantin’ some information.” Mal took a step to the right and tried to go past her. Her hand grabbed a hold of his arm. He turned to look at her.

“I won’t lie.”

Mal laughed. “You lie all the time, what’s so big about doing it this time? Sure you’ve lied plenty to the men and women you whored with in the past.”

Inara shook her head, letting the insult slip past. “I told you that I don’t service crew. This was something else entirely, you know that.”

“Yeah well, Simon don’t need to know no different, dong ma [understand]? This is important, Inara. You don’t ever talk ‘bout your clients with anyone, just consider that this was a business arrangement…which it was. Don’t say anything.”

Inara stood there for a few seconds and then nodded her head. “Alright. I’ll concede to that so long as you promise me that something like this doesn’t happen again. It’s your crew.”

“You got my word.”

Inara walked past him and he vaguely heard her as she entered her shuttle. “Like that amounts to a pile of tzao-gao. [crap]”

* * *

One might have thought that Zoe would want to avoid Serenity’s bridge because it had been Wash’s favourite place. She hadn’t been avoiding it out of choice, but rather out of necessity, as she was needed elsewhere as they rebuilt Serenity. Now she had the yearning to be close to something Wash had loved. Stepping inside she saw River curled up in the chair opposite of the one Wash had always favoured. Zoe’s gaze was caught by the pile of red yarn pilled at the bottom of the seat. She watched as River intently was unravelling a red wool shawl.

“Don’t let the cap’n catch ya slackin’,” Zoe warned as way of a greeting.

“Not slacking,” River said without looking up. “Watching. Watching, always watching.”

“Uh huh. Right. Hard to pilot the ship when you’re… what are you doing?”

“The silver threads are peppered with red ones now, but all tangled up.” She held up the half unravelled shawl for Zoe to behold. “So I’m just rearranging them.”

“Suppose everyone’s gotta have a hobby,” Zoe sighed. She hooked her thumb on her belt and noticed that soon she would have to move it to the next notch.

“Wash says he misses his…” River stopped mid-sentence and looked over at the empty chair next to her, making a face of protest before she continued. “His love monkey.”

Zoe took one step towards River. “What did you say?”

“Loooove monkey,” River repeated. She pointed at the chair with her thumb. “He made me say it.”

“Who?”

“Your husband. He’s laughing at me now. But he says…”

“Don’t you go sayin’ another word!” Zoe snapped and grabbed the shawl from River’s hands. “Not another gorram [damn] word!”

River titled her head to the side as she considered Zoe. Shimmering threads connected her to Wash. Holding the anger and grief in a tight ball. But there were other threads, tiny and sparkly, but strong like her connection with Wash.

“You’re gonna have twins,” River announced. She reached down and picked up the red yarn. Flicking her finger over the frayed end, she held it up to dangle in front of her face.

“Wuh de tyen, ah. [Dear god in heaven.] I’m gonna…”

“He told me to tell you that he always wanted a little girl with your eyes. With your spirit… I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar. He said if I told you that you were his wind, that you would understand…”

Zoe’s fingers unfolded from a fist and her arm dropped to her side. Wash had always said she was the wind that carried him. Her hand came to her stomach and looking to the empty chair, wishing she could see Wash. In the sterile bridge, she shouldn’t have been able to feel a breeze brush her cheek, but she did.

“Is he?” she whispered.

“He is,” River assured her. She was starting to wind the yarn into a ball. So many threads, in so many shades. Sometimes it was confusing keeping track of them all. Even harder not being drawn into the bright stars. The trick was trying to learn which threads to cut, which to burn, and which to nurture.

* * *

Kaylee gave a disgruntled sigh and stepped away from the tangle of wires that she had laid bare from the last comm unit that was located in the mess. She thought she’d had them all fixed and yet when she’d tried to call forward to the bridge to tell River she’d spoken with the cap’n earlier, nothing had happened. Her eyes darted over red wires, blue, black, and white. Biting at her lower lip, she stepped forward and let the tip of her finger touch the blue wire. “Main electrical thread, okay, should connect up over here…” Kaylee traced her way along, following it to a connector that met up with a red wire. She checked the coupling there and moved on. She was so engrossed that she didn’t hear Jayne come in. Her mind was totally lost in translating the jumbled mass of Serenity’s arteries. Picking up a pair of wire cutters, she went into the open panel to reroute and hopefully get a pick up from the main comm unit in the bridge without too much more of a problem. She nearly fried herself when Jayne called her name.

“Wuh de ma [Mother of God], Jayne!” In absolute embarrassment she turned around to where he was standing and whopped him on the arm. “Dontcha ever do that to me when I’s got my hands inside of Serenity! I coulda had a load of ‘lectricity runnin’ right through me if I’d snipped that wire and jerked my hand just the right way!”

Jayne grinned. “Sorry. Didn’t mean no harm. I called your name once and you were too busy mumblin’ ‘bout a bad connector. Lucky I didn’t goose ya to get your attention.”

Kaylee sighed and shook her head. “Whatcha need? Cap’n is gonna kill me if I don’t get this unit fixed. I thought I’d gotten all of ‘em. Then this one goes on the blink and I’d already done checked it twice.”

Jayne just started at her, until Kaylee found herself suddenly walkin’ past him to get a drink. She hated when he did that…just gorram [damn] stared. She poured herself a glass of cider and leaned back against the counter. “Jayne, I ain’t got all day to be yackin’ with ya.”

Jayne straightened his shoulders. “You can yack all day with the Doc, but you can’t spare me a short conversation?”

Kaylee threw her head back and laughed. “Ya don’t have conversations, Jayne. Too busy throwin’ round insults or talkin’ bout Vera and how gung-ho ya are for the next job.”

Jayne grunted. “Yeah, I’m just the hired merc, the dumb idjit who ain’t worth a damn unless he’s needed to go and kill somebody. Got yer point loud and clear, Kaylee.” He turned and headed for the door.

“Wait!” Kaylee took a few steps forward. “Was uncalled for, Jayne, ‘n I’m sorry. There’s just a lot goin’ on right now and this yu bun duh [stupid] comm unit. Whadya need, anyhow? We still got another two hours before we get to Persephone and this shouldn’t take that long to fix back up.”

Jayne gave her a funny look. *He’s sizin’ me up* was Kaylee’s thought on that. Whatever she’d said must’ve smoothed over what she’d said earlier cuz he nodded at her and visibly relaxed.

“Jus’ wanted to say that I was sorry for makin’ ya mad at me earlier. Doc’s just an easy mark, ya know. Takes things too serious. Not much else to do on this gorram [damn] ship and…” Jayne stuttered for a second, looking for the right words. “Aw hell, I’m still in shock that you was the one who knocked Mal out. Makes me a little scared a’you, Kaylee. You can sneak up on Mal and take him down, lord only knows how easy it’d be for you ta do the same to me.”

It took a second for Kaylee to identify the new tone in Jayne’s voice. Sure there was the ever present arrogance with a hint of menace, but under that she thought she recognized respect. Jayne respected very few people. In her mind, only the Captain and Zoe because they could kill him.

Kaylee reached down and picked up a large wrench, testing its weight. “If we’re just talkin’ theoretically… it’d be easier for me ta take ya out, Jayne. Lots of ways to do a man in when ya know how to work with wires ‘n’ electronics. Ways the authorities couldn’t trace.” She watched Jayne’s reaction carefully, noticing how his breath caught slightly. Damn if the man wasn’t get turned on by her talking about offing someone. “And then there’s always your guns. Did ya know it’s easy for me ta tamper with those?”

Jayne’s hand automatically went to the sidearm he was carrying. “Ya wouldn’t…”

“Not likely, but I can. And I wouldn’t go doin’ something nasty to a beautiful piece of machinery like Vera. See, I figure, weapons are like a fine ship or engine. If ya treat them right, they’ll sing for ya.”

“Yeah…” Jayne’s face softened and he pulled out his weapon, laying it flat on his palm. He looked down at the floor and held it out for Kaylee. It was a sign of trust to hand over his weapon and he wouldn’t do it for just anyone. But this fierce little thing was doing all sorts of funny things to him. Besides, the safety was on and before she could try anything, he could get to his back up weapon. “This one ain’t Vera… I only take her out to play on special occasions, but this one is good just ta carry around for fun.”

Kaylee set the wrench down and reached for the weapon. She recognized the gesture for what it was. For a man like Jayne this was the like handing over twelve dozen long stem roses. Wrapping her hand around the grip, she tested the weight again. “She’s mighty pretty, Jayne. Betcha ya have a name for her.”

“Yeah…” he mumbled. “Betsy.”

“Sweet name,” Kaylee told him. “If ya ever need help with any of the wiring on your weapons… Don’t mean to brag, but I’m a whiz.”

Jayne shifted nervously from foot to foot. “Right. And if ya ever need…” He stopped trying to think of anything he could offer a smart girl like Kaylee. Not much. “…help lifting something heavy. I can do that.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Kaylee was holding Betsy up for examination now. Running her fingers gently over the barrel and then down the grip. She did it several times, testing its quality and make. “Betsy really is a fine piece of machinery, Jayne. Real shiny.”

Jayne was riveted watching Kaylee caress Betsy. It was damn sexy and he’d never seen a female treat a weapon properly before. The touch was careful and confident, causing him to shift uncomfortably as his pants became tight. Taking a step back, he knew he had to get away right then before he embarrassed him even more.

“I'll-be-in-my-bunk,” Jayne mumbled.

“What about Betsy?”

Jayne was almost out the door and stumbled as he backed into the doorway. “Keep her. She likes you.”

“Jayne! Capn’ll kill me if he finds out I gotta gun!”

Jayne yelled back over his shoulder. “Don’t let him find out ya got it then!”

Kaylee shook her head and looked down at the weapon in her hand, realizing the way her fingers were still stroking over the barrel and then the grip. A flush of heat rushed through her, making her cheeks turn a rosy shade of red. “Oh, dear.” She looked back toward the doorway where Jayne had made his hasty exit. Her eyes went wide. “Ai ya, hwai leh! [Shit on my head!]” She started to giggle, then it turned into a full out laugh. “Oh, Jayne, Jayne, Jayne.”

She hadn’t thought she’d be able to rouse any interest from the merc so she was very much surprised now at how easy it was. Granted, showed exactly what kind of smutty mind Jayne had, but then again, Jayne was a man. She knew enough about certain things to know that any one of his guns was an extension of himself. So he’d gotten a tad hot and bothered over seeing her handling Betsy. A small flutter tickled the inside of her belly and Kaylee wondered, maybe she’d been putting her romantic intentions on the wrong crew member. Course, bein’ with Jayne wasn’t gonna be wine and roses. “More like bullets and gunpowder,” Kaylee muttered under her breath with a smile. Probably wouldn’t last either, but it would make for a good way to pass the time. Jayne wasn’t all that unbearable. Maybe a dose of everyday sex would make him more agreeable.

Kaylee took another look at Betsy and then walked over to her toolbox, lifting the top tray out and placing her in the bottom. She stared for a second, realizing that Jayne wouldn’t be pleased to see her layin’ in there like that, all vulnerable. Reaching into her overalls she pulled out a relatively clean handkerchief and wrapped it around Betsy, then returned her to the bottom of the toolbox. It would do for now at least.

With that done, she started back on the comm unit. Just a few minutes of work had Kaylee reconnecting the wires back into a more workable fashion. She pressed the button and called up to River.

“River, you gettin’ this?”

There was a moment of silence and then River’s voice responded. “Loud and clear, Kaylee.” Another pause. “Captain’s coming. Better clean up. Don’t want him opening Pandora’s box.”

Kaylee frowned. “What? Oh. Oh!” Kaylee slammed the toolbox closed just as Mal came strolling into the kitchen.

“Hi, Cap’n!” Kaylee turned the wattage up to full blast on her smile.

Mal stopped dead in his tracks, his hands suddenly crossing over his chest. He frowned at her. “What did you do?”

Eyes wide, Kaylee picked up her toolbox. “Do? Now, Cap’n, what would make you ask a fool question like that?” Kaylee started taking small steps back towards the doorway.

She watched as Mal’s gaze dropped down to the toolbox then back up to her. “Oh! I missed one of the comm units?”

“Thought you said you had them all done?” Mal walked over and leaned against the table, one hip resting against it, his stance all business, nonetheless.

“Thought I had. Then I tried to call up to River to…to see if she needed a drink and I got nothin’ back from her. So, I fixed it. Easy peasy.”

“So…” Mal drawled. “Everything’s shiny then?”

Kaylee nodded. “Totally shiny, Cap’n.” She stood there for a few seconds lookin’ at him, seeing something in his eyes that was a bit unsettling. “You okay?”

“Hm? Oh, yeah. Shiny, too. Just waitin’ on Zoe. We’re a little under two hours out from breakin’ atmo on Persephone, so we gotta go over strategy. Cuz ya know…Badger.”

“Ah. Okay, well, I’ll be in the engine room should ya need me.” She started up the few steps and then turned around. “You sure you’re okay, Cap’n?”

Mal offered her a small smile. “Hey, it’s me you’re talkin’ to. Course I’m fine. Now git.”

* * *

This was the third time he had gone over the list of medical supplies they needed. This would be the first real opportunity he had to replenish the supplies since Miranda. The list was extensive, which meant it was going to be expensive. Simon sighed with frustration and ran his hand through his hair. There was nothing he could cut. There was nothing he cut and not risking the health of the crew. He would have to find some way to pay for everything. Some way without Mal knowing. Mal’s number one priority would always be Serenity, but as a doctor his main concern had to be the crew’s health.

He rested his forehead in his hands, seeing Mal in his mind. Just the way he had looked coming out of Inara’s shuttle… slick with oil and relaxed. He should be happy for Mal. After everything, Mal deserved every scrap of happiness he could find. And Inara would be good for him. A fine and gentle lady would calm him. It destroyed his small hope that Mal could have found some happiness with him…

His hand gripped his own hair painfully. He was pathetic. Mal didn’t want him! That was clear enough. It was about time that he learned to live with the fact that he would be alone. He had River. She was safe and healing slowly. That should be enough.

“You’re thinking about me!” River’s voice echoed in the room.

Simon turned to see her standing in the doorway. “Who’s flying the ship?”

“The man with wings…”

Being that there were only two other men on the crew and Jayne was out the question, Simon decided she must mean Mal. Usually River only left the bridge to eat and even then, that was only half the time. “Fine. Are you feeling okay?”

She tucked a stray bit of hair behind ear and contemplated her brother. He was hurting and the spider web of threads where changing colour. “No. You’re screaming too loudly.”

“Mei-mei…” Simon sighed. She would know. Of course she would know. “How much do you know?”

“Everything. Nothing… Something?”

Obviously she wasn’t going make this easy on him. “You know about Kaylee?”

She nodded and smiled at him sadly. “New path. Just friends.”

“Right,” Simon agreed. He stood up and started to unroll his sleeves, rebuttoning one of the cuffs. “I know how much you liked her.”

“She’s not the one. You know who is…”

“River…” Simon interrupted her in a warning tone. “That’s not real. It’s not a possibility.”

River walked over to her brother and brushed his hand away from the last cuff he was fussing with, starting to button it for him. “There are so many possibilities, Simon. It’s something you can’t feel like me. You only catch glimpses the reflection sometimes. More than the others… but still not in the power of the sun. Still in the shade.” She tugged the sleeve to remove some wrinkles. “But I can see it, Simon!”

“I’m sure you can, River.” She was getting worked up and he didn’t want to push her. “But… Mal loves Inara. He’s together with her now.” Seeing her doubtful gaze, he added, “I don’t need to be loved, River.”

River put her hand on Simon’s chest. “You can’t resist it, Simon. He can’t resist it.”

“River, it’s a lot more complicated than that.” Simon sighed and closed his eyes.

“Doesn’t have to be complicated. You tie yourself in knots and tangles continually.” River hopped up on the medical bed and began swinging her feet. She studied him closely for a few minutes. “You’re afraid of him.”

Simon’s eyes snapped open. “River…”

She shook her head, long dark hair swinging around her slender frame. “You want to love, but you’ve been broken so many times before…at the university, at the hospital. Rejected, rebuked. You think you’re not good enough…to be loved.” Simon could only stare at her for several long moments. He watched as she nodded to herself, certain and sure over something. “Mal will fix that. This time you’ll be the patient.”

Simon mustered a small smile for her. “Right now all I want to do is keep watching your progress and see you happy like this. It’s been such a long time.”

River laughed. “I’m shiny.”

Simon cleared his throat. “We…uh…do need to have a talk, meimei.”

River frowned. “No talking to dead people. I know. Hard to do though when they’re right there in front of you, talking and talking. Zoe believes me.”

“What!?” Simon stood up, groaning. “River, I asked you not to say anything, anything, at all to Zoe about this! Mal is going to kill me if he finds out!”

River stood up and walked over to Simon, wrapping her arms tight around his waist. “Shhh…everything will be fine. Turbulent for a bit, but flying smooth after. Got to go back to the bridge. Wash told me not to be long.”

Simon pulled back. “No one’s flying the ship!?”

“Wash is, just told you that, dummy.” With that, the slender girl was heading out the door. “He’d let me know if there was trouble.”

Simon slumped back down onto the chair. If Zoe said anything to Mal there’d be hell to pay in one way or another. He just couldn’t deal with all of this right now. He looked back over at the list and sighed mournfully. What was he going to do? Persephone would have all these supplies but Mal would tell him to cut the list shorter. He couldn’t afford to do that. If this hadn’t have happened he’d have his own practice by now. He’d have more money than he’d know what to do with. He’d…

“That’s it.” Simon clapped a hand to his forehead. “I can do that. Mal doesn’t have to know anything. I’ll just do it myself.”

Even as he amended the list, there was a strange tingling in the base of his neck. He wouldn’t give in to the feeling that things were going to go wrong. He could do this on his own. If it all worked out, then he could tell Mal and see the look of relief cross the man’s face. The crew could always use extra credits. This was the way to do it. Simon forced himself into believing it, but the tingling sensation never went away.


	4. Chapter 4

Zoe shook her head and looked over the list again. “I don’t see how this list keeps getting longer and longer every time we touch down planet-side. We got stowaways on board eating up all our food or something?”

“Does seem a might odd, don’t it?” Mal grimaced and rubbed at his chest.

“Maybe you should go have the Doc take a look at that before we land, sir. If nothing else get something to numb it up while we’re in the meeting with Badger.” Zoe’s eyes made it more of an order than a request.

“I’ll see to it before we land. Right now I just wanna know if Badger’s got anything particularly tricky up his sleeve. I wanna know the whole job up front, no half-truths and fairy tales this time around.”

“We’re close to landing now, sir. It would be a mighty big shame if it got jostled ‘n’ got worse.” She crossed her arms over her chest and stared him down. “Don’t want to show any weakness in front of Badger.”

Mal held up his hands up in mock surrender. There was no fighting Zoe when she got like this. “Fine… fine. I’ll go.”

Zoe arched an eyebrow. “Now, sir?”

Mal huffed under his breath. Damn stubborn woman. She was the strongest member of his family and the love he felt for her was deeper than what he felt for his own Mama. The loss of Wash was grinding on her soul, reminding him of back in the war. But something had changed in the last few days. She seemed more… at ease with the sorrow.

Mal scuffed his boot on the floor and hooked his thumb on his right suspender. “I will. Just wanna make sure everything is fine with ya.”

“You’re stalling…”

“I’m not,” Mal denied. Sure, he wasn’t looking forward to facing the Doc, but he wasn’t stalling. “Something is…” He had to stop and think about how to put it. He wasn’t good at this whole talking thing. “You’re okay?”

“I’m dealing, Cap’n,” Zoe told him. It was sweet to see her oldest friend looking out for her. She slipped her palm onto her stomach and knew it was time. In the months to come, she would need his help more than ever. “Guess I do have somethin’ ta tell ya.”

The look on his second in command made him know instantly this was going to be mess load of complications. He hated complications. “It’s bad, isn’t it?”

The look of dread on Mal’s face brought a half smile to her face. “Oh, terrible, sir. I know how much ya hate young’ens.”

Mal’s eyes widened and his mouth gapped open. “Young’ens… Ai ya, wo mun wan luh. [We’re in big trouble.]”

“Yep,” Zoe nodded her head. “River says its twins. She also says that Wash is happy as a pig in shit.”

“Tzao-gao! [Damn it]. I told that damn boy to keep her on a short leash…”

“Cap’n…”

“This is his fault, Zoe. I apologize. This shouldn’t have been allowed ta happen. Don’t worry. All he’s gotta do when he isn’t doctoring is keep River in line. He can’t even do that! Useless…”

“Cap’n, enough!” She cut him off and knew immediately that if she didn’t talk him down a bit he was going to beat the shit out of Simon again. “Call me moon touched, but I believe her.”

He’d never really thought of Zoe as a woman. Sure, she was a woman, but not one to be coddled or taken care of like Inara or little Kaylee. She was simply his second in command. Always dependable and backed him up in a fight. Zoe was his rock. “Aww, Zoe… loosing Wash ‘n’ all… being knocked up… I’m sorry River bothered ya. She’s not right in the head. We all know that. I understand how much ya want it to be real… but it’s just another voice in her head.”

“Cap’n… Mal.” This time she met his gaze evenly. “You’ve always trusted me before. Ya gotta trust me now. Don’t know how, but it’s real. Wash is…” A smile was drawn to her lips as she thought of the gentle brush of wind touching her cheek. “He’s around.”

It was a lot to take in. The idea of Zoe Warren… the stoic, ruthless soldier… as a mother. His Xiong ci sha shou [brutual assassin] was changing. River Tam was capable of scary things. And nothing seemed more scary that talking to the dead, especially if it was real. But, he would trust Zoe in this, even if it hurt his mind to think about it. Too many gorram [damn] complications. “Suppose you’re finally putting Serenity Valley and Miranda behind ya.”

Zoe shook her head. “No, Sir. It’ll always be a part of me. Jus’ suppose I have something to live for now other than simply breathin’. Now why don’t ya go off ‘n’ see the Doc like ya said you would? Promise me ya won’t kill him?”

Mal rolled his eyes. “Course I won’t kill him, Zoe. I’m not a complete gorram [damn] idiot. Simon has his uses.”

Zoe cocked an eyebrow at him. “You sayin’ you’re only a partial idiot then?” She had to grin at Mal’s shocked expression. “Boy’s family, Sir. So’s his sister. Seeing as how we’ve managed to lose several members it’s only right to hold them tighter to us. Besides, we’re gonna need all the help we can get once my children are here. ‘Less you wanna be the one chasing after them.”

Groaning, Mal turned away. “I’ll be on my best behaviour, Zo.”

His thoughts were of babies and the many toys he’d be tripping over as he made his way to the infirmary. So he wasn’t quite ready for the site that greeted him upon entering Simon’s little domain. The good doctor was fast asleep on the medical bed, shirt half un-buttoned. Mal stopped abruptly, taking in his sleeping form. Hair a might dishevelled, clothes slightly wrinkled, he would have looked his young age if not for the frown that tugged his face into deep worry lines. Mal walked quietly into the infirmary, not daring to make a noise that would wake Simon up. Dark circles beneath his eyes showed exactly how hard he’d been pushing himself since Miranda. Mal’s heart broke as he realised that some of that exhaustion had been brought on by him as well. As Captain, Mal took it personally to make sure his crew was in working order, both mentally and physically. Simon was neither, and Mal knew he had a good hand in giving the doctor many a sleepless night. He’d pushed and pushed to get them away from Miranda and back out into the black. Now he’d added more heartache by his stunt involving Inara.

Mal found himself standing directly next to him, his fingers reaching out to brush a piece of hair off of Simon’s forehead. Mal admitted that he liked the longer hair much better. Simon mumbled in his sleep, turning his head into the touch subconsciously. Mal jerked his hand back, feeling totally stupid for letting such an impulse take him over. He noticed the drying tear tracks on Simon’s cheeks and it was like a punch to the gut. Hastily stepping away, Mal headed back out the door of the infirmary. He forced himself to get his breathing back to normal.

Feeling steadier now, Mal started back towards the infirmary, loudly calling Simon’s name to make sure he was up and emotionally guarded for when he entered. This time he found Simon hastily moving towards a cabinet and rummaging through it.

“We’re getting close to Persephone, Doc. Hope you got everything in order for when we land?”

Simon merely nodded his head. “Did Zoe show you the list of supplies I’m going to need?”

Mal hopped up onto the bed. “Yeah. It’s all covered.” He reached up and slid his suspenders down off his shoulders. “Anyway, I need you to take a look at this wound for me before we land. It’s a might twitchy feelin’ under the skin and I don’t want to be rubbin’ at it while I’m sittin’ down with Badger.”

As Simon turned to put on a pair of gloves, Mal got his shirt unbuttoned and willed himself to keep his thoughts from turning smutty. He needed a clear head the moment that Simon got within grabbing distance of him.

Mal wasn’t happy with the very clinical way that Simon went about the examination. He didn’t make eye contact with him or even attempt any small talk. Any other day this would have been fine with Mal but right now it only showed how pissed the young doctor still was with him.

“I’ve got some ointment that should help stop this from itching. It may burn for a few minutes once you get it applied, but that will fade.” Simon turned away from him, snapping his gloves off and tossing them into the wastebasket before pulling out a small tube and handing it to Mal.

Mal frowned at it for a moment then looked Simon square in the eye. “How much of this stuff m’I suppose to put on there?”

“Just enough to cover the wound, Captain. Don’t worry, I promise it won’t knock you unconscious.”

Mal caught the sarcastic tone of voice and glint in Simon’s gaze. “You got a tongue like a whip all a’sudden. You still pissy over our tussle in the lounge or from the tussle in the cargo bay? Cuz I ain’t got the time nor inclination to go tryin’ to sort this out right now. Whatever your beef is with me at this given moment is just gonna have to be dropped. We all got work to do once we get planet-side.”

“I know exactly what my job is on this ship,” Simon snapped back. “I’ll be staying out of your way until business is done. I’ll check the medical supplies before we take off to make sure you weren’t ripped off. Because I know you wouldn’t be able to tell an anti-inflammatory from Ng-Ka-Pei [medicinal-herb wine].”

His sympathy was quickly disappearing with the Doc’s insolence. “Just stay on the ship.”

Simon shook his head. He turned until his back was facing Mal and straightened a few bottles on a shelf. “I have my own business to attend to off ship.”

Mal took a step closer. “And what exactly is that?”

Simon picked up a bottle and swirled the contents around. The nagging feeling was back, tickling the back of his mind, but he ignored it. This was for the best. He had to get away from the crew and find a way to get those supplies. Part of the medication he left off the list given to Zoe was an expensive medicine that according to all the recent journals he had downloaded from the Core would help speed Mal’s recovery.

He watched the liquid swirl, in a mini-eddy. Looking at Mal wasn’t an option when the man could read him like a book. “What part of my business don’t you understand, Captain?”

“Jien tah-duh guay! [Like hell!]” Mal gripped Simon’s shoulder roughly and spun him around. “I said you weren’t leaving the ship and you ain’t leaving the ship!”

Simon had to carefully grip the bottle to stop from dropping it. “I am. River will stay here with Serenity, but I won’t.”

Mal’s grip tightened, knowing it was painful when he saw Simon wince slightly. “Ya want the Alliance ta catch ya?”

Simon jerked away from Mal and stepped away from the fuming man. “I’m no longer a fugitive, so I have no intention of acting like one.”

So this was about defying him? He wouldn’t have any of that from his crew… especially from him. Simon Tam had a scary knack for getting into trouble and there was no way the crew of Serenity needed any more excitement. But he wasn’t going to admit that he was scared for the boy. “After Miranda you trust the Alliance even a lick? We don’t need you fucking up this job. I don’t know if you’ve looked around lately, Doc, but the cupboards are bare… Kaylee needs parts to keep us gliding in the black…” Mal stabbed his finger into Simon’s chest. “And you got a pretty demanding list yourself.”

“I’ve kept it to a minimum.” His tone was clipped. The guilt he felt for stressing Serenity’s tight budget was instantaneous even though it was quickly followed by anger. He had every right to keep his infirmary stocked. This was exactly why he had to go behind Mal’s back to get what he needed.

Mal was breathing heavily and noticing Simon wasn’t doing any better. There was even a few beads of sweat gathering on that ivory forehead. He crowded Simon against the wall and hissed in his face, “You’re staying on board even if I gotta tie your ass up.” There was no missing how Simon’s breath caught. He was pushing the images of Simon laid out, chest covered in sweat and hands drawn about his head… slender wrists bound with intricate knot work. “You don’t know what I’m capable of, boy…”

Simon told himself that he had to be strong. Mal didn’t want him. This was coming purely from anger and not from any sort of emotion… whether that be lust or love. A small part of him was happy to be the focus of Mal’s attention, even if it was rage. “I’m not a boy. I’m a man.”

“In form, yeah, but I’m gonna tell you something, Doc, you ain’t got no idea what it takes to be a man.” Mal stepped back.

Simon gulped for air, his head swimming from the close proximity of Mal just seconds ago. “I’ve proven myself time and time again out there. I have done everything you’ve asked of me. I’ve taken on everything for River! I’d give my life for her! So don’t tell me I don’t know what it takes!” Simon forced his fingers to uncurl from fists. He wanted to hit him, wanted to kiss him, wanted so many different things at the same time. “I’m getting off this ship once we hit Persephone, Mal. You decide to tie me up, well that’s all well and good. But I promise you, I will get you back for it a thousand times over. May not be right away, but I will find a way to pay it back to you.”

“You threatin’ me?” Mal was shocked. “Last man that threatened me found himself starin’ at me as he went out the airlock.”

“I’m setting terms with you. You take care of your business and I’ll take care of mine. I’m here to patch up the crew, nothing more than that. What I do on my time is no business of yours.” Simon started past Mal but didn’t get far. Mal’s grip was like a steel vice on his upper arm and he found himself shivering at the touch. A hot gust of breath brushed along his ear.

“I set the terms around here.” There was a slight pause and Simon wanted to crumple to his knees. Too close, it was just too much. “You want your playtime on-world, fine. But you best be back before we leave cuz I won’t hesitate to have your sister fly this boat right back out into the black without you. Pull a stunt like this again with me and you will regret it, Simon Tam. You got that?”

Simon shrugged off Mal’s hand. His response dripped with sarcasm. “Sure thing, Captain.”

Mal watched as the pissed off doctor stormed out of the infirmary. After he was sure that Simon was gone, he stalked across the room and flung the rollaway table of surgical instruments right into the wall. The clank and clatter enraged him further and Mal pulled his arm back, feeling the flex and strain of muscles, before pounding his fist directly into the wall. The pain was immediate and intense, but he gritted his teeth and let the fire race along the nerve endings. Forehead pounding, sweat rolling down the back of his neck, Mal leaned his forehead against the cool metal. He breathed in and out, trying hard to not lose control again. Not a single ounce of it. He couldn’t doing this, couldn’t keep letting his temper and his emotions just leak out around Simon.

Looking around at the mess he’d made, Mal groaned. “Ruttin’ hell.”

* * *

River watched as Persephone’s round womb filled up the viewport window. Her hands were busy flying over the controls, checking and rechecking entry sequences. Routine procedure made her calm, even though her insides were anything but. Voices, shouting, rage, and unspoken lust pulsed through her. She reached up quickly and angrily brushed away a stray tear that was rolling down her cheek.

Mal and Simon were angry. They were bleeding, cutting each other to pieces with nothing but their words. Horrible stabs and gaping wounds that just wouldn’t quit. Pride was a double-edged sword and they both wielded it like warriors. Both on the offensive and both looking for blood, for pain. Advance, retreat, advance, retreat. Hold the line, pull back. This war would end and leave them both scarred if a sudden truce wasn’t declared. Someone needed to bring out the white flag.

River had every intention of making sure it was soon. The futures were so many, weaving back forth through eternity. In the here and now, they needed each other. All before it became unravelled. Piloting was like dancing. Images blurred as she twirled and whizzed her other half into the busy port. Sometimes life flitted by… people chirping like birds. She would nod and sometimes smile, only half there. Now that the flying was done, so was the fun for now. Now the bad had to come for the good could take seed. More blood would flow between her warriors. Simon was talking to her now, telling her she had to stay with the ship. Telling her he was going to be back as soon as he could, but she had to behave.

“Chirp, chirp, chirp,” she told her brother, lean over to kiss him on the cheek. “Can’t behave. You can’t behave. But I’ll stay on the ship. Talk to Wash.”

“Thank you, mei mei.” Big brother with sad eyes.

* * *

Mal set down the shot glass with a heavy clank. A drink to finish the deal. Badger was the devil he knew. With too many of their friends killed off by the Alliance, he had to take business where he could get it. Badger had called him for a reason. Called him because the person they were taking on board couldn’t take a regular transport to Athens, but Badger wouldn’t trust them to the every day low lives. Of course the extra shipment of stolen jewellery soon to be hidden in his hull would help pay the fast accumulating expenses.

Mal reached his hand across the table and waited for Badger to grasp it. “Nice doin’ business with ya, Badger.”

“Stop lookin’ so self satisfied, ya bastard,” Badger grumbled. “If you so much as touch a hair on…”

“Don’t worry,” Zoe cut him off. Her favourite shotgun was lying cradled in her arm like a baby. “Cap’n don’t touch the merchandise.”

“And my shiny bobbles?”

“Just as safe,” Mal assured him. “Just as long as the payment we agreed is true.”

Badger tugged at his bowler hat and glared at them. “You questioning my bloody word?”

Mal smirked and stood up, comfortable knowing despite being knocked up, still had his back. “From one stand up business man ta another? Course not, Badger. We’ve done business in the past and I figure we can still do it the future…” Badger looked like he wanted to pick up the bottle of hootch and throw it at Mal. He was comfortable with that because that meant the little weasel wasn’t smug or scheming. Truth was they both needed this job to go smooth. “As long as we both keep up our ends of the bargain, dong ma?”

“Just make sure stay on schedule! And get outta here.”

Without another word, Mal and Zoe left the dive they’d met Badger in. He felt a bit of the suffocating darkness lifting with credits to their name again. Now it was time to get the supplies they needed, his mind turned to Simon. Despite the argument they’d had, when he’d left Serenity, Simon had still been there. It was only a matter of time before Simon had come to see he was right and it calmed a lot of the anger directed the boy’s way. Supposing if they were real careful the Doc could come off this ship for a bit. He knew what it was like to have cabin fever.

Moving towards an isolated spot in the busy street, he flipped on his comm unit. “River, get your brother on the line.”

“Wish I could, but I can’t,” River sing-songed back.

His mood darkened immediately. “Why not?”

“Off playing with the pretties.”

“Tah mah duh hwoon dahn! [Mother humping son of a bitch!],” Mal yelled. His fist grasped the comm unit so tightly it might have broken if he didn’t loosen it consciously. “Where is he? I know ya can tell me, girl, so spit it out!”

“I can feel you bleeding, Captain. He’s playing at the Peow-liang Biao-tze [Pretty Whore].”

Mal shut the comm unit off and stuff it in his pocket. He knew exactly what the Peow-liang Biao-tze was since Jayne frequented it whenever they visited Persephone. “Zoe, go back ta the ship. I’ve got a whore house ta visit.”

“You got time to be sowin’ your wild oats there, Captain?” Zoe placed a hand on her hip and looked back to Badger’s hovel. “Badger’s awful keyed up ‘bout his cargo.”

Mal glanced down the street in the direction of the Peow-lian Biao-tze. “Badger’s cargo won’t be brought to the ship for another few hours at least. He may be antsy but he’s careful. In fact, he’s a little to hyped up for my taste. Someone’s comin’ down on him hard.”

“So, I look and see what I can find out why you go retrieve the doc?”

“Excellent deduction.” Mal tapped the comm in his pocket. “You call if ya need me.”

Zoe nodded her head. “I will, but I still don’t understand why the doc can’t go about getting’ his jollies like most people do.”

Mal shook his head. “We don’t know if the Alliance is still after him or not. I ain’t gonna take the chance that they maybe still are, no matter what the operative told me after patching up Serenity. Things ain’t ever that easy or that likely for us, are they?”

With a slight grin, Zoe shook her head. “No, sir. I’ll see you back at the ship.” With that, Zoe moved on down the street, her hands very comfortable on the shot gun she was carrying.

Mal’s anger was barely being kept at bay as he made his way to the whorehouse. He’d reluctantly allowed Simon his off world time but this was going just a little too far to Mal’s liking. Anyone and everyone visited the whorehouses on Persephone. Any two bit thug that might know about a reward on the younger man would turn him in for a dime and a song if it meant getting something from the Feds in return. Why couldn’t he have just stuck to doing a little bit of shopping? He had to go and make things a sight more difficult than need be.

The Pretty Whore was a rather ramshackle place, solid enough construction but done in every shade of purple imaginable. Neon lights poured from the windows which were draped in darker shades of purple faux velvet. The main entrance sign was a gaudy flash of vibrant pinks and still, more purple. Mal shook his head in disgust but went in anyway.

The inside was a slight improvement, but only just. The light was muted except for the dance area where naked men and woman gyrated on stage for cash or worked the stripper’s pole. People of all walks of life were here. You could find the richer patrons back in the private rooms taking their pleasure, be it sex or lap dances, voyeuristic or otherwise. Those who were financially unstable were at the chairs surrounding the dance stages or sitting at the bar nursing whatever booze preference they had. This was more than your average whorehouse, this was sex entertainment. Get the customer worked up and then get them into the back room to pay more for the real deal, not just the flesh on display. Mal just couldn’t see what kind of draw this would have for Simon. But then, maybe he liked to slum. Mal didn’t know the kid that had lived and grown up on Osiris.

Managing his way up to the bar, after brushing off a very nearly naked brunette with lots of bad eye glitter, Mal waved the bartender over.

“Yeah, I’m lookin’ for a fella, crewmember of mine, actually. Don’t know if he gave his name or not, but he’s a doctor. Kinda upstanding looking guy. Seen him around?” Mal took out a handful of credits and slipped them to the bartender.

The man slipped them greedily into his pocket. “Reckon I mighta seen him. But if you want that information you gotta buy a drink first, regardless a’how many credits ya slip me, friend.”

“Ain’t your friend. But I’ll take a whiskey, straight up. Don’t go waterin’ it down either. I know how a place like this works.” Mal didn’t like the look the bartender gave him, but he just raised an eyebrow at him. If he had to spend money on a drink to get the hwoon dahn [bastard] to give him a drink, it had better be worth it. The bartender slid it over to Mal and hastily made quick work of it, slamming it back before the man could blink. “Now, about my doctor…”

“Dana took him in the back to one of the private rooms. You got rights to the boy?”

Mal glared. “He ain’t my property if that’s what you’re implyin’.”

The bartender raised his hands in truce. “Just askin’. Fine piece of porcelain, that one is. He’d be worth a lot to the right people.”

“Worth a lot more to me as a doctor if it’s all the same to you. That boy don’t need to be wastin’ his money in a place like this no how.”

The bartender laughed and poured Mal another shot. Mal’s brow furrowed as the man handed it to him. “On the house, you’re gonna need it.”

“Yeah? And why’s that?”

“Cuz Dana paid him, tweren’t the other way ‘round.”

Mal downed the fiery liquid quickly and slammed the shot glass onto the bar. “You might wanna be careful throwin’ around ugly accusations like that.”

“Now don’t go gettin’ all defensive, friend,” the bartender said. He had seen the likes of this man before sniffing around for their wayward property. “I just seen them exchange the cashy money myself.”

“I ain’t your friend. You best be tellin’ me where he is before I get real angry. Sides, wouldn’t be surprised if one of my other crew is around here lurkin’. Man by the name of Jayne that I pay ta watch my back ‘n’ likes a good fight.”

“Dana’s one of our best, so don’t go bustin’ up the goods ‘n’ remember we got top notch security. Just cause you’re all riled up about your boy grappling wit’ someone else…”

Mal stepped away from the bar and glared down some gaudily dressed doxy who was giving him the eye. “Just point me in the direction of the backrooms.”

The bartender smirked and hitched his thumb towards a nearby hallway that was swaged with purple calico curtains. “It’s in the back.”

Mal didn’t bother to snap back an insult at the bartender. As far as he was concerned, his number one priority was finding that ruttin’ doctor and getting his ass back to the ship. Probably wouldn’t hurt none to knock some sense into his head on the way either. Mal knew he must have had a doomsday expression on his face because the security goon singled him out right away on his way to the back.

“Customers don’t get back here unless their escorted, sir.”

“I’ve got business with someone back here,” Mal motioned with a curt nod of his head down the darkened hallway. “Don’t mean no harm to the merchandise. Don’t want no trouble either.”

The big mountain of a man snorted. “Heard that line before. Ya got the look about you that says you wanna kill someone. Now, I don’t care what ya do just as long as it’s not on our nice law abiding premises. Peow-liang Biao-tze [Pretty Whore] might be in a black out zone, but we’re neutral territory for strife, dong ma? [understand]”

Mal reached into his pocket and pulled out another bunch of credits to grease the goon’s palm. Damn boy was costing him too much and he would get every damn credit back from him. “Make ya a deal. You tell me which room Dana’s in and I promise ta look the other way when I drag a kickin’ ‘n’ screamin’ ball of fire outta there.”

The bouncer pocketed the credits. “No touchin’ Dana.”

“Got my word,” Mal assured him. Nope, that wasn’t the whore he had his mind set on.

“Third door on the left. If’fin I was you, I wouldn’t go messin’ up that pretty boy of yours too much. Won’t be worth as much with scars.”

“Scars are gonna be the least of his problems,” Mal growled under his breath. He pushed past the bouncer and headed straight for the door.

He didn’t go busting into the room, but instead turned the door handle quietly. The room that was revealed was sickeningly opulent in a cheap sort of way. Gaudy colours covered surfaces that could be washed down easily and fabrics were worn from the continuous washings. Simon was standing in front of a mighty big bed, fully clothed. Might have calledrthe boy sophisticated in the past with his simple style screaming of quality and putting this cheap imitation of wealth to shame. But now Simon Tam just looked like a well paid whore. Just like Inara…

“Was the money worth it, boy?”

Simon turned instantly with a guilty look on his face. “M-Mal? Captain, I…”

Hidden mostly behind the curtains of the canopy bed, a figure stepped out and beside Simon. The oiled, sun tanned skin was the first give away. Slim fingers buttoned up the last few buttons on skin tight pants.

“Now don’t go getting all upset, Captain,” Dana’s smooth voice irked Mal, where it was probably trained to seduce. Mal watched as Dana’s hands settled on Simon’s bicep. “I’m all done with the lovely doctor here. His services were worth every credit. I’d like to thank you for visiting Persephone and hope you come again soon.”

Mal’s eyes locked with Dana’s. “Step away from him. Promised I wouldn’t bruise the merchandise, but you’re sorely testing me.”

“Captain, I was just…” Simon tried to explain. He would do just about anything to stop the look of revulsion on Mal’s face right then. A voice in the back of his mind was again nagging at him that this had been a bad idea from the start.

“Shut the fuck up, you fuckin’ whore!” Mal yelled at Simon. In a flash, he was across the small room and pulling Simon away from the sly whore. Slamming Simon against the wall, he pressed an arm across his chest. “Ya think you’re so special? Some high ‘n’ mighty Alliance piece of ass? Ya so desperate ta take it up the ass that you whore yourself?” Mal thumped Simon hard against the wall again, hearing the whoosh of Simon’s breath as air was knocked out of the younger man’s lungs. He had a powerful desire to squeeze Simon’s throat like he had before. Make him pay for all of the crazy pain Mal was feeling right now. Break Simon before Simon broke him. Leaning in close, he hissed into Simon’s face, “Fuckin’ whore.”

“Get off him!” Dana screamed. Mal felt the sissy boy hands trying to peel him off of Simon. It just made his rage all the worse.

“Was he worth it, Tam?” Mal hissed. “Ya that desperate ‘cause I didn’t want ya?”

Stronger than ever before, Simon just knew what he said next would twist the future one way or another. It was like he briefly glimpsed what could be. Mal could kill him right now if he said the wrong thing.

He knew exactly what he had to say. “Didn’t touch him that way,” Simon wheezed out.

“The fuck ya didn’t!” Mal thump him against the wall. “You’re lying ta me!”

“He didn’t fuck me!” Dana screeched. He wanted to get security but if he left the room, the nice Doctor would probably be killed. “You bastard, let him go!”

Mal leaned in close, his lip touching Simon’s right ear. “Ya let that lil’ piece of candy ass fuck ya, Simon? You really must be bad off. Lettin’ somethin’ like that have ya. Thought ya liked somethin’ with more meat.” The whispers were pure hatred and Mal ground his groin against Simon’s in mock of the act he couldn’t tear his mind away from. The idea of anyone touching Simon that way incensed him. “Maybe I should jus’ leave ya here? You’d fit right in, selling your pretty ass. You’d make a better whore than doctor!”

“You can take the credits I gave him,” Dana begged. Tears were streaming down his face, running ugly pathways in his makeup. “You can give it back to me. I don’t care, just let him go! I’m sorry, okay? He’s a good doctor and I don’t want him dead for helping me.”

Simon’s fine porcelain complexion was starting to turn ashen. Mal lightened up the pressure on his throat just enough to let him breath easier. It had to be a lie. Too easy an answer… a doctor doctoring, not whoring. Was like if you heard hooves in the distance, you always assume it was a herd of horses, not zebras. The ‘verse was too complicated to always be the easy answer.

“He paid me to see he was clean,” Simon ground out.

Mal shook his head. “You’re lyin’.”

“Please, Mal,” Simon begged. His pride was gone now that he knew this was all his own fault. He’d lied to Mal. Went behind the Captain’s back and now he was reaping what he sowed. “I was just trying to get some extra credits for medical supplies.”

Simon was offering an excuse, like the lying was reason for all this. Still was no proof Simon hadn’t sampled the goods. That would have to wait until he got Simon back to the ship. “You lied ta me. Jus’ a different kind of whoring.”

“And what you do on a daily basis is any different? You sell yourself out to deliver goods and services to anyone who’s willing to pay a set price!” Simon hated himself for saying it, but that didn’t stop him from speaking the hateful accusation right to Mal’s face. “We needed the credits. I needed the credits. I’ve cost you jobs if I remember correctly so I went about trying to fix that the only way I knew how, Captain. My services, as a doctor, in exchange for platinum to buy the rest of the med supplies that I need to keep patching up the crew.”

Mal took a step away from Simon’s accusing gaze, needing the distance. “Ya had no right, Simon. None at all and yet you still went behind my back…to a place like this. With not so much as a single word! Not one!” Mal spun around, levelling his gaze on Dana. “Get out before I go back on my word and throw you out.”

Dana was trembling and he looked over at Simon, unsure of how to proceed.

Mal stepped into his view, blocking out Simon. “Don’t look at him! I told you to get out, so go!”

Simon’s voice was gentle yet commanding as it drifted around the captain’s very tense and irate form. “It’s okay, Dana. I’ll be fine. Go like he says.”

That was all the prompting the young whore needed. He ran for the door but gave a quick look back to see Simon nodding his head at him, mouthing the words “Its okay” to him as he shut the door.

Simon turned to watch Mal pace the floor, muttering under his breath in Chinese. He caught many a colourful curse and realized that several of them River had picked up herself as of late. His heart aching and head pounding, Simon took a step forward, wanting to smooth things over somehow, someway. It only got him more grief as he laid a hand on Mal’s shoulder.

“Don’t ruttin’ touch me!” Mal’s hand pushed Simon’s away. “Grab your gear and get your ass back to the ship. It’d be in your best interest to stay out of my way for awhile cuz the only thing I wanna do when I look at you is beat the livin’ daylights outta ya.” Mal walked over to the bed and sat down, putting his hands up over his face to hide from Simon. He was walking on the edge right now, Mal could feel it. He needed to get some space between him and the doctor before he made things a sight worse than what they already were.

Simon’s words were no louder than a whisper and yet they resounded through Mal’s head like an explosion. “Because I went behind your back or because I’m sly, Mal?”

It was almost too quick for the eye to register. Mal was sitting on the bed, hands over his face and the next he was pointing his gun quite steadily at Simon’s face. “Go…or I’ll make sure those credits you’ve earned are put to real good use.” Voice dangerous and low, Mal could feel the heat radiating in his blood. “I will not hesitate to use this, Simon Tam. I’m in no mood for any head games with you right now.”

Simon walked over to the curtain and picked up his med bag before heading towards the door. “Funny how it seemed alright to play them with me when you had me up against the gorram [damn] wall not a few moments ago.”

The med bag toppled to the floor as Simon was slammed from behind, his chest and groin making complete contact with the door he was trying to exit. The world in his peripheral vision greyed around the edges and he could feel Mal’s hot breath against his ear, breathing erratic. “You have no idea what it is you want, Simon. Didn’t take me long to figure out you was sly after what happened with Kaylee. I ain’t got no problem with that at all. Got that? Maybe you oughta think about the kind of man I really am and ask yourself what exactly is wrong with you for wantin’ someone like me to begin with. Maybe you’re a sight more moon-touched than that sister a’yours. Everyone’s got urges and your pushin’ a lot of buttons right now that just might get you what you’ve been so desperately lookin’ for.” Mal’s teeth closed over the shell of Simon’s ear and bit down, eliciting a hiss of pleasure from the doctor. “This is not the place for you to be in. Jayne’s the one who frequents this kinda go-se, not you. Don’t care if you were doctorin’ or just playin’ at it with that boy, you shouldn’t have even thought about bein’ here.”

Mal pressed harder against Simon, forcing the body to seemingly melt into the fake wood of the door. Simon tried to stifle the groan this type of action was having on his body, but failed miserably and he found himself pressing back, wanting Mal to fight with him more, wanted to feel more.

Mal chuckled darkly. “You won’t win with me, Simon, not ever. I’m a horrible ol’ tyrant and dead set in my ways. I ain’t a gentleman and I definitely ain’t well-bred like you, but I do have control, which is somethin’ you seem to be lackin’.”

Mal pulled away, leaving Simon’s back cold from the lack of body heat that had been generating between them. He turned, wild-eyed and uncertain to look at the captain. Mal’s face was composed, almost set in stone with such a mildly normal expression. “I got nothin’ left in me but a lot of hate and a lot of unresolved issues. So whatever romantic notions you got in your head, get rid of them. Get your mind back in the game and back on track with what it is we do…we’re the bad guys. Don’t try to glorify it as some Earth-That-Was fairy tale of robbin’ the rich to feed the poor. That’s not what we’re doin’ here. And don’t you ever, ever, cross me again. You’re little rebellious streak stops here and now. Dong ma?” Mal didn’t even wait for an answer, he strode past Simon into the corridor before turning around. “Get back to Serenity and do your gorram [damn] job.”

Simon pushed back his shoulders, refusing to let them slump with defeat. He had enough credits to get about half of the supplies he needed. They would probably be in Persephone long enough for him to arrange delivery for the most urgent items. Despite the horrible words, there was a glimmer of hope in the back of his mind. Mal had touched him, even if it was with hate. He collected his things and fixed his shirt collar. Leaving the room, he found Dana standing next to the bouncer and absolutely distraught.

The young man was crying but before he could speak, Simon held up his hand. “I’m fine, Dana.”

“You don’t have to stay with him,” Dana told him. “I’ve got friends who could…”

Simon shook his head and smiled sadly. “No, my place is with him.”

“Best listen to him, pretty boy,” Jayne said, coming around the corner. Knowing Jayne, the mercenary had been listening the whole time, waiting for Simon and probably on Mal’s orders.

“Mal told you to collect me?”

Jayne nodded, all smug and high and mighty. “Interrupted good fun, but doubled my pay for this job. Gotta make sure we get you back safe ‘n’ sound.”

“Let’s go then.” Simon nodded his head politely at Dana. “It was nice to meet you. Please take care of yourself.” He started to walk, knowing Jayne would be right behind him as they exited the whore house. “You might as well say it, Jayne.”

“Say what, Doc?”

“Your jokes. You might as well get them over with.”

“Nah,” Jayne shook his head. Now was a good time. He had a good fuck under his belt and something to hold over both the Doc and Mal. “Not gonna get over this anytime soon. Always knew you were prissy, Doc, but didn’t figure ya for a whore.”

Simon quickened his step. “I’m a doctor.”

Jayne could keep up easy enough. “You’re a pansy ass doctor!”

“A pansy ass doctor who has to patch you on a regular basis. A pansy ass doctor with access to regular access to dangerous drugs…”

Jayne grabbed Simon by the back of the vest and dragged him back. “Ya threatin’ me?”

Simon turned around and sized up Jayne. “Yes, I am.”

Of all the things Simone would have thought Jayne might have done, grinning at him wasn’t one of them. “Well, guess ya might not be such a pansy ass after all. You’re still as prissy as hell though.”

“You’re looking far too happy, Jayne. Don’t make me threaten your life again.”

“Well, see here’s the thing, Doc. You being sly makes things easier for me. ‘Cause I plan on knockin’ boots with lil’ Kaylee.”

Simon’s hand grasped the handle of his medical bag more tightly. “You have designs on Kaylee?”

“I’m not blind. Figure she’s got the hots for me ‘n’ I don’t blame her if all she’s had is machines and a sly pretty boy ta keep her company. We knock boots a few times, she gets it outta her system… I get my rocks off… no harm.”

It was all another part of a complicated situation that kept getting more complicated. “If you hurt her…”

“Jus’ sex, Doc,” Jayne chuckled. “No ruttin’ emotions. ‘Sides, Kaylee’s a tough lil’ girl… I’ve seen her handle a gun.”

It was too much. Too much information to digest and he wondered if this was how River felt when the world was whirling around her. Without another word, he started walking again, returning to Serenity and Mal.


	5. Chapter 5

* * *

“You Diane Caoliao?” Zoe stepped off the boarding ramp and towards the younger woman with the short brown hair. She looked to be about mid-twenties and was dressed rather expensively in a pair of flowing silk pants with a shirt to match. The young woman smiled and extended her hand.

“That would be me. You must be Zoe, Badger mentioned you earlier.” They shook hands and Zoe gave her a smile.

“Figured he’d have delivered you and his cargo personally the way he is.” Zoe scanned the area behind her, looking for any sign of Badger.

Diane gave a shrug of her shoulders and rolled her eyes. “He had some more pressing business to attend to. Though a couple of his associates are right around that street vendor over there. He’s not a man that takes many chances.”

Zoe took one look at the grav lift behind her and wondered how many jewels Badger was transporting with them. The crate was pretty damn large for just a small amount of diamonds. *Probably got them packed inside of something else so that if anyone gives a quick perusal of the merchandise it won’t be noticed.* Giving a yell to Kaylee, who was anxiously waiting to meet their new passenger, they both got the grav lift inside and strapped onto the cargo deck. All the while, Kaylee was chatting up Diane, asking her where she was from, what kind of work she did. Diane was happily answering right back. Zoe shook her head and tried to hide a smile. It never took a lot to make Kaylee happy and it was so good to have the sound of laughter back on board the ship.

Zoe caught movement on the catwalk above and glanced up to find River standing there, her eyes practically boring holes right through their newest passenger. The girl was standing stock still, not even blinking. No emotion was visible on her face except for complete and utter concentration. Zoe was about to give a shout up when the sound of boots on the metal landing ramp had her looking up to find Mal.

He looked awful. Zoe could see the deep lines around his mouth and the way it was set into a grim line. There’d been trouble between him and the Doc once again. She brushed her hands on her pants and started towards him.

He stopped when he saw her coming, crossing his arms over his chest in a defensive posture she knew all too well. “What’s the status, Zoe?”

Zoe nodded her head in the direction of the two chatterbugs. “Diane Caoliao arrived no more than ten minutes ago with Badger’s cargo. We’re just waiting on Jayne and the Doc and we’re ready to break to atmo.” Zoe gave a glance over Mal’s soldier. “Speaking of which, Captain, where are Jayne and the Doc?”

Mal grunted. “M’sure they’ll be comin’ along directly. Give Miss Caoliao the tour and get her settled into her room. I’ve got a few things that need to be done ‘fore we lift off this rock.”

Zoe watched him take off for the stairs. Didn’t take a lot to see that the captain was upset about something. He’d been off for some time now and that was something that had to be fixed. Raising her gaze back to the catwalk, she found River still standing there. If anyone would know what was going on, it would be her. Even though it was against Zoe’s better judgement, doing a little bit of snooping may clear up some future problems.

River never even turned around to look at her but she spoke as soon as Zoe was within earshot. “Storm’s coming.”

Just those simple words were enough to make the hairs on the back of Zoe’s neck stand on end. “Think it’s already here.”

River smiled and turned her head to look at her. Her eyes were dark and seemed to shimmer with a cold fire beneath them. “This is just the warning thunder. A quick flash of lightening in the distance. Time to circle the wagons and close in tight. It’s gonna get much, much worse.” The young girl’s gaze returned to the cargo deck, following the movements of Kaylee and Diane. “Winds of change.”

There was a moment of quiet between the two of them and then the comm unit came to life. “River! Need you in your chair, girl!” Mal’s voice was a little louder than normal and Zoe reached her hand up to pinch the bridge of her nose. This was going to be problematic at best.

“Gotta go. Captain’s calling.” River was a blur of motion and colour as she sprinted for the bridge.

Zoe took a deep breath, but found her stomach rolling in a very unpleasant way. Closing her eyes, she gripped the railing and tried to focus on something calming. It didn’t work. Her stomach was doing a pitch and yaw beyond belief. “Kaylee! Can you show Diane around the ship for me and get her settled in as well. I need to check on something.”

Zoe opened up her eyes and found Kaylee grinning at her. “Sure thing, Zoe. Hey, you feelin’ okay? You ain’t lookin’ so good.”

“Just need to lie down for a few minutes. I think it was some of the food I grabbed before coming back to ship. Let the Captain know I’ll be in my bunk for a short while if he needs me.”

Zoe barely heard Kaylee’s reply as she ran for her bunk. Stumbling almost blindly into her room, she grabbed for the sink before depositing all the contents of her lunch directly into it. She could feel her stomach clenching for another bout of vomiting so she braced her hands on the sink and tried to breathe through her nose. “Damn treacherous stomach.” She gagged and leaned forward, vomiting again. Once done, she folded in on herself, sitting down on the floor. Her head had joined the mutiny, pounding with the force of a thousand bombs at once. A choked sob worked its way up her throat and spilled out into the quiet of the room. She clenched her fists and struck them on the floor.

“Not gonna happen. Not gonna happen.” She shook her head as if by doing so it would make it all go away. For a moment she thought she would lose it, would just cry until there was nothing left in her. She refused for it to happen. Brushing angrily at her cheeks, she forced herself to stand back up. She felt wretched. She needed to see Simon, see what he recommended for her to do.

“Where is the gorram [damn] doctor anyway?” She whispered to her reflection in the mirror.

* * *

Serenity was already rumbling when Simon and Jayne made it back to the docks. The ramp was down and Mal was standing watch, leaning back against the wall. His arms were crossed and he glared a hole right through Simon.

“Jayne, tell the Doc if he so as much steps off this ship again, we’ll leave with out him.”

“Hey, Doc… Captain wants me ta tell ya…”

“I heard him.” The words were seared into this mind like every thing else Mal had said. He could almost feel the pull of the short leash Mal was putting him on. Keeping his head down, he hurried off towards the infirmary. He would have no time to pick up the medical supplies. The credits were dirty, but at the next port, he would find a way to get what he needed.

It was easy enough to hide. He could easily stay in the infirmary, but that would take acknowledging Mal’s spiteful words. Instead he would do exactly what he always did when someone he loved proved that he wasn’t worth loving. Like with his parents, he would put on a mask and pretend like nothing was wrong. In the grand Tam tradition, when it was time for the evening meal, he straightened his clothing and left to eat with everyone else.

When he entered the dining room, people were already seated around the table and passing around bowls filled with fresh foods. It was one of the perks after they got paid, but it would be short lived. There was a new face seated at the table and Simon took a seat next to River’s empty chair.

“You must be Simon,” Diane greeted and reached across the table to shake his hand.

“Nice to meet you ma’am.”

“Oh, don’t go gettin’ too friendly with him, lady. He’s sly!” Jayne took great pleasure in hooting out.

Simon looked down at this plate and reached for a bowl of noodles, chasing them out of the bowl with his chopsticks.

“And you’re sayin’ this ‘cause you’re his boyfriend?” Diane asked.

Simon almost choked on a noodle, but kept his eyes downcast. “I have better taste than that,” Simon said quietly. He could just feel Mal glaring at him.

The idea of Jayne and Simon together made Mal want to turn of the table. Make the boy would be desperate enough to approach Jayne… “You didn’t fix Zoe.” It was the first thing that came out of his mouth. Zoe was worth his thoughts, not Simon Tam. His second in command was locked in her room suffering from damn womanly things. Simon was supposed to be doctor and he could make her comfortable. Just another stroke against the younger man.

“She’s not broken, Captain, she’s pregnant!” Simon snapped. It had only taken a moment to give into his anger at Mal’s insensitivity and also reveal Zoe’s secret.

“A baby?” Kaylee actually squealed, causing Mal to pinch the bridge of his nose. “Shiny!”

Jayne growled openly and rolled his eyes. He gave Kaylee a sideways glance, seeing how excited she was. Too damn excited about breeding if you asked him. “A ruttin’, stinkin’ and bawlin’ rugrat?”

Kaylee immediately elbowed Jayne in the gut. “Shut your trap. Babies are nice. You’re jus’ sore ‘cause no woman in her right mind would wanna birth anything carrying your thick genes.”

“Hey! The Cobb bloodline is…”

“Sit down ‘n’ shut up, Jayne,” Mal growled. “Doctor’s loose lips blabbed Zoe’s secret even though it weren’t his to tell, but you’d all have figured it out soon enough. Zoe’s with child, but she’s still Zoe.” He fixed his stare on Jayne, knowing he’d be the only one who’d dare challenge her in this condition. “Dong ma?”

“Yeah, yeah…” Jayne huffed and grabbed the bowl of something the vendor had said was meat. He slopped a large spoonful onto his plate. “Don’t bother me none. But don’t expect me ta take up her slack.”

“You’ll do what I gorram [damn] tell ya to do.” It was a comment aimed at Jayne, but Mal was looking right at Simon when he said.

A meal full of taunts did nothing for Simon’s appetite. The mask that he had so easily been able to keep in place in front of his parents and at MedAcad was in danger of cracking. He pushed away from the table, even though his plate was barely touch.

“If you excuse me, I have work to do. Diane, it was nice to meet you. Welcome aboard.”

“It was nice to meet you, Simon. I’m sure I’ll be seeing more of you soon.”

* * *

“Doctor’s been making himself awful scarce,” Zoe said. Mal had dropped by to see her, bringing enough food with him to feed three people.

He pushed her full plate of noodles towards her. “Wouldn’t notice.”

Zoe picked at some of the noodles with her chopsticks. “Guess that’s why you’re not keepin’ an eye on the boy, huh? Not watching him when ya think no one’s watchin’…”

“How’s your head?” Mal tried valiantly to shut that line of conversation down. He had no intention of discussing this with anyone, not even his second in command. He wouldn’t put it past her to figure it all out soon enough. They’re brainwaves were too interconnected with all the time they’d spent serving together and then flying together. Zoe took the hint though and gave Mal a small shrug.

“Ain’t nothin’ I can handle. Just needed a bit of a rest. Think I had a little too much fun and sun while we were planet-side.” She took a bite of the noodles that she was balancing on her chopsticks. “Captain, you know that I’ve never delved into your personal business.”

Mal pushed the glass of juice towards her. “So do me a big favour and don’t start now.”

Zoe took a sip from the glass and sat it back down. Mal glanced at the juice and then back to her, raising his eyebrows.

“Captain, I got more food and drink here than our whole platoon would’ve needed.” Zoe gave him a soft smile. “I know this is difficult for you, me bein’ in a family way right now. It’s not the best timing but it happened. I’m not fragile.”

“I never said you was fragile. I just thought you’d be hungry and you’re eating for two more now.”

Zoe laughed. “Yes, for two more, but this is just outrageous. What did you do, quarter ration the rest of the crew to see that I got all of this? Doc’s been taking good care of me. I’m getting all my vitamins and doing some exercises that should help keep me in shape without harming the young’uns.” She leaned forward and laid a hand on Mal’s. “You got enough on your mind so quit worryin’ about me.”

Mal stood up and walked away from her, leaning against the wall instead. His face was half in shadow, hiding the emotion in his eyes. He didn’t want to trouble her with his own problems. She had enough to deal with in her state as it was. “Doc should have found a way to help you more. Ain’t right you havin’ to be all sick and groggy from this.”

“It’s only gonna get worse as it goes along. Be prepared for mood swings, too. You think Jayne’s bad, he won’t have nothin’ on me before this is through.”

Groaning, Mal covered his face with his hands. “That was not something I wanted to here, Zoe.”

“Sorry, Captain.”

Mal could hear the smile in her voice. He dropped his hands and gave her a quick once over. She did seem to have more colour now and her humour was definitely improving. He just didn’t know what to do for her. This was so far out of his league that it made him feel like a complete imbecile. He’d helped his mama birth calves and colts back on the ranch but the idea of helping Zoe through that…down there.

“If I gotta be in the room with you during the delivery, I wanna be standing way up at the head of the bed.”

“Agreed, cuz I like ya a lot, Captain, but not that much to have you lookin’ at my private parts. I’ll just hold your hand and squeeze when it hurts.”

Imagining the pain she could cause him had Mal shaking his head. “Or we can find something else for you ta squeeze, cuz I kinda need to use those on an everyday basis.”

Mal looked down at her plate of heaping food and sighed. “I guess you want me to take that back to the mess then?”

Zoe shifted and started to stand up. Mal jumped over to help and she slapped his hand away playfully. “I can do it, Captain. I’m feeling better now. No need for the special treatment.”

“I just don’t know what to do for you. I don’t like it.” Mal looked her steadily in the eye, just giving her the honest truth like he always did. Her gaze was soft and kind and it was then he knew that she would make a great mother for the young’un she was carrying. “I want to help but at the same time I got no idea what I’m doing. Not to mention I know you and you don’t always ask for help if ya need it.”

“Neither do you. I’m fine. You’ve got more important matters to worry about right now other than me. So you see to them, and I’ll see to mine. If we get in over our heads we’ll ask for the help.” She picked up the plate and made a face. “This was a little over the top, sir.”

“Never can say I don’t try.” Mal headed for the ladder and started up.

Zoe stood where she was holding her overflowing plate and shook her head sadly. With a soft sigh, she started to follow behind him. “I think sometimes, sir, you try too hard. That’s the problem.”

* * *

Simon’s fingers followed the dark bruises ringing his neck, committing to memory every mark and imperfection. The warm touch was his own and not the one he craved. He pressed the pads of his fingers into the dark purple contusion, pressing harder to make himself feel the pain. Looking at his reflection, Simon realised that this had been gift from Mal. His hand circled his neck and he squeezed harder, remembering how Mal’s hand had felt doing this. Releasing the grasp he had on his own throat, he had to look away from the mirror.

He remembered exactly what Mal had said back at the whore house. *You have no idea what it is you want, Simon.* He even remembered the exact tone and inflection in Mal’s voice, but he also remembered the tortured look in his eyes. But, it was the almost hidden desire that fuelled his actions.

“Peow-liang biao-tze [pretty whore]…” he whispered to himself. “Time to use what you have to get what you want.”

He would use his body to get what he wanted. What he wanted… needed was any part of Mal. He could live without kind words and endure one sided love. It would be easy enough to push Mal when the man was so close to the breaking point. Simon picked up the high collared shirt he had picked out and slipped it on. The bruises would only remind Mal of Simon’s betrayal.

Looking back into the mirror, he still didn’t see what others supposedly saw. He had been told often enough that he was a pretty boy, but he only saw sallow skin and an unremarkable face. It was one of the reasons he was drawn to beautiful fabrics, hoping it would distract others from what he did not have to offer. Taking a deep breath, he wondered if he would be able to look himself in the mirror again when he got back.

This time of night, everyone was either abed or at least in their private rooms. On his way to the Captain’s quarters, Simon had no doubt that Mal would be awake. Insomnia wasn’t one of his more charming traits, but it was pretty gorram [damn] reliable. Finally standing outside of the door way, the hatch was always open, but he knocked loud enough that he heard echoes down the passageway.

From the bottom of the stepladder, Mal called up. “What? Didn’t hear anything blow up.”

He straightened his posture and fussed nervously with his cuffs. “It’s Simon.”

“Somethin’ wrong with Zoe?” The note of concern was obvious even though Simon couldn’t see Mal. “I’ll be right up…”

“N-No! She’s fine,” Simon called down immediately. He remembered Mal’s demands that he not be crossed and crossing the threshold of his private quarters without permission would be among the ultimate insults. “May I come down and talk to you, Captain?”

There was a moment of silence and Simon held his breath. “Fine, but close the hatch behind ya.”

That in itself spoke that Mal expected there at least to be another fight or yelling match. Simon closed the hatch behind him and started to carefully climb down the step ladder. Mal was standing at the bottom with his arms crossed over his chest. What made Simon’s mouth feel suddenly dry was the fact that Mal wasn’t wearing a shirt. He was barefoot and his pants wear laying low on his hips, his suspenders fallen to the sides.

“Zoe’s fine,” Simon repeated. He had to lower his eyes to keep from embarrassing himself before he could explain. “Everyone’s okay… medically speaking, of course.”

“Of course.” Mal could tell the boy was nervous about something being all twitchy. Must be over thinking things again. His mind started to catalogue Simon automatically and he noticed right away that he was wearing a shirt Mal hadn’t seen before. Something fancy in a soft green with real fine embroidery here and there. Almost like a woman’s top, but the wide chest filling it out belonged to no woman. Made him lhink of the shirt of Simon’s he still had in his bottom drawer. “Ya buy that finery with your whorin’ money?”

“N-No,” Simon shook his head. Unconsciously, his hand ran over the edge of the shirt by his waist. “I bought it before…”

“We’re not here to talk about your prissy duds. Spit out what ya got ta say so you can get your ass outta my bunk.”

“I came to…” Simon has to stop. Normally words come so easy to him. They were weapons to him when he abhorred unnecessary violence. Now Mal was taking away even this defence from him. “I’m here to discuss your arrangement with Inara.”

"Shah muh? [What?]” Mal snorted with distain. Even though it was a lie, Simon was pushing where he had no right to. “Ya want another ass whoopin’? Because you’re within an inch of your head being detached from your body.”

“I’m offering you an alternative.” The words spilt out quickly. There was no point in sweet language with everything that had happened between them. “I may not possess her feminine wiles, but there are other things I can offer you…” Now Simon forced himself to look up and meet Mal’s gaze. Mal’s eyes were hard, but the mask was in place and it was difficult to pinpoint how deeply Mal felt disgust for him… or pity. “My mouth… my…” Even though he wanted to be crass, he couldn’t be. “Other sexual acts. You wouldn’t have to pay me. I would be willing.”

Mal took a threatening step closer to Simon. It didn’t seem real what Simon had said. His head started to thump as another person in his life was tarnished. And still Simon kept talking, digging himself deeper into his own grave.

“I’m not asking for anything in return, if that’s what you’re thinking. You said before that I have no idea what I want. But I do, Captain… Mal. I want this. I want you!”

There was a fire in Simon’s words, one that Mal found his own blood answering to. He closed the distance between them and reached out to grab roughly at Simon’s chin, pulling the younger man’s gaze up to meet his own. Shock registered in the dark depths of Simon’s eyes, but something else was there too. Mal laid his other hand on Simon’s chest, letting his fingers glide along the silky material of that oh-so-fine silk shirt until it tugged insistently at the top button. Pushing it aside, Mal found the marks on Simon’s neck. The younger man flinched but turned his head away for Mal to fully appreciate what it was that his anger and jealousy had done to him. Flaws on delicately pale white skin that stood out like flares in a night time sky, branding Simon as the recipient of a very personal confrontation with him. Mal’s hand shook as he traced the finger-shaped bruising and Simon’s body answered with a shiver, gooseflesh rising where Mal’s fingers touched his bare skin. Mal let his fingers trail around the back of Simon’s neck and up into the younger man’s hair. Fingers sliding delicately in and then Mal gripped and yanked Simon’s head back around to look at him.

“You don’t know what you’re asking, Simon. And I don’t think you wanna know the answers to those kinda questions that are runnin’ through that thick skull a’yours either.” Mal was so close to him, just a hair’s breath away from having his lips on Simon’s. He watched the effect it was having on the doc, saw the pupils dilate and feel the quick exhalations of breath across his own lips. “I hurt you and here you are asking for more. You’re practically beggin’ to be fucked right here and now, all wide-eyed and naïve.”

Simon started to answer but Mal yanked again on Simon’s hair, effectively shutting him up. Mal backed them up, pushing with one hand and guiding with the hand still holding onto Simon’s hair. They didn’t stop until Simon was backed up against the ladder, metal rungs pressing hard into the back of him. “Tell me Mr. Top Three Percent, you seem to gotta real likin’ for pain. Think just about every time now we get into a confrontation it ends up getting’ physical.”

Simon’s voice growled low in his throat as he tried to twist away from the captain’s body that was effectively pinning him to the ladder. “You just don’t have any self-control.”

Mal leaned in close to Simon’s ear and laughed. “I got plenty. Any other time I just woulda whipped out my gun and shot ya the fella.”

Simon groaned and Mal knew exactly what kind of image played through doc’s mind. Mal pressed himself up close until there was no space between them from toe to chest. A flush was spreading its way down from Simon’s fiery cheeks into the open collar of the green shirt and Mal thought of Christmas, presents, and unwrapping…definitely unwrapping.

“So, why don’t you just go ahead and whip it out then?” Simon’s voice was barely above a whisper but the tone pressed the last button that did Mal in. He’d been trying to scare Simon, trying to make the boy want to put a distance between them that would be safe. A goad like that was something that Mal had no patience for, let alone one he could back down from.

Surging forward, Mal claimed Simon’s mouth in savage kiss, biting at the boy’s lips before forcing his tongue into inside Simon’s smart mouth. Mal could feel Simon tense and then just go suddenly lax, allowing him the control, whimpering and clutching at Mal like his life depended on this one singular moment. It only fuelled the captain more. The hand that had held so desperately to Simon’s hair moved, plunging down between their bodies to force it’s way up beneath the silk shirt, searching for skin and more contact.

Mal’s finger found a nipple and he twisted it, pulling it into hard pebble that stood out quite appreciatively to his ministrations. Rewarded with a groan and a surge of Simon’s hips forward, Mal bit at Simon’s chin. “Gonna make you pay for what you put me through. Makin’ me think that you let that gorram [damn] whore touch you. Goin’ behind my back and disobeyin’ my orders.” Mal reached up and ripped the silk shirt open, his ears picking up the sound of buttons hitting the floor all around him. “You’re gonna learn who’s captain around here once and for all. Turn around.”

Simon raised his chin and for one moment Mal thought Simon would refuse. But Simon straightened his stance, where had been leaning against the ladder. Even the boy’s damn posture was challenging him, with all of that stubborn will, when Simon should be shaking.

“Grab the rungs,” Mal commanded. He watched as Simon reached up and grabbed the rungs of the ladder, the pretty shirt hanging open. Moving behind him, he kicked Simon’s legs wide apart, forcing him to strain to keep balanced. Mal’s hands started to wander over Simon’s chest again and went back to torture his nipples. Simon arched his back and whimpered sweetly. Grinding his groin against Simon’s ass, he leaned in close and whispered hoarsely, “You’re such a bitch in heat.”

“You want me.” Not a question, but a statement from Simon. His desire was almost overwhelming, but more so was Mal’s intensity. It was like something for the first time in his life was truly right. In this moment, he would do anything Mal asked of him.

Mal’s hands moved to rest on Simon’s hips, pulling him back against his groin. The fine pants were thin and Mal could fit in the crease perfectly. “And I take what I want.”

“My pocket…” Not begging he told himself. Merely a necessity.

"Shah muh? [What?]” He tightened his grasp on Simon’s hips, wondered how moon touched this Tam was.

“My right pocket.” A full sentence was beyond him right now, but he had prepared for this. This was exactly where he wanted to be and he wouldn’t let any excuse steal it from him.

Mal growled with frustration, but dug his hand into Simon’s right pocket. Pulling out a small tube, he knew exactly what it was. “Mighty sure of yourself, Doc. Surprised ya didn’t slick yourself up for me ‘n’ just spread your legs in ways of a greeting.”

The words were meant to humiliate and caused a bright blush to burn on Simon’s cheek, but it also made his shaft ache. The degrading words where like prose and the rough touch better than any sweet caress. He could hear Mal opening the packet. His world centred around Mal’s touch as he undid Simon’s pants and pushed them down quickly.

Mal’s pants were already half undone, so it was quick to undo them just enough to free his shaft. Mal squeezed the clear lube onto his hand and slicked himself. He only considered using his fingers to stretch Simon briefly, dismissing the idea quickly. The boy was begging for it like a slut and that’s exactly how he was going to be treated. Besides, he wanted Simon to feel this… remember exactly what he had asked for. Grabbing Simon’s hip with one hand, he guided his shaft to the pale ass.

The pain was sharp and all surrounding as Mal pushed into Simon. There was nothing beautiful about this moment like in the romance stories his mother used to download. It was raw and real. Mal showed no consideration for his discomfort as he pushed in deep and fast.

“Take care of yourself,” Mal demanded after five burning thrusts.

Simon obeyed, but barely needed his own touch. His mind was burning on high and nearing the end. Synapses were firing, opening new portals to areas that had never been explored. Simon could feel Mal in a way he had never felt another human being before and it like looking directly into the sun, it scorched you. Crying out, he wanted to call for Mal, but his cries were more feral. Physical pain and pleasure had merged, consuming him, but he was still aware that he had satisfied Mal. With that last pleasing thought, he was able to let go of everything so new and confusing. Simon’s eyes rolled back in his head and he never felt his legs give way.

* * *

She didn’t mean to listen in, to feel for him or know what was going on. The thread that connected them had been alive with colour, shiny and bright and pulsing. It had looked different from all the other threads connected to her. Zoe’s had been a soft blue, little sparks of white floating through it. She was sleeping. She’d only stayed for a moment with her, but pulled back when she saw Dream Zoe lighting the little rocket with all of their notes. Then she’d spotted Simon’s. She only touched it for a few moments and the sheer feeling that was there sent her spinning off in every direction, blown apart, spread far and wide. There was a feeling of euphoria, a feeling of stability. Her insides weren’t her insides. Matter had become liquefied, atoms and molecular structure had mutated, rearranged. The cup in her hand trembled, beads of hot tea spilled onto the saucer. There was a spark, hot and bright, quick and yet lasting for an eternity. She gave a shout, her knees quaking and she grabbed for something to hang on to. Earthquakes in space, illogical, irrational.

Jayne gave a yelp as the hot tea splashed onto his shoulder and neck. “What in the gorram [damn] Hades…!” He jumped up out of his chair and turned to look at River, who was barely standing at all, tea cup dropped down onto the floor. Her one hand grabbed at the back of the chair, holding her self partially upright by that and sheer determination alone. Her other hand was low on her hip, fingers pressing hard into the flesh.

“Oh god, River!” Hands grasping the younger girl’s face, Kaylee forced River to look at her. “Honey, are you okay?”

“Why you askin’ her!? I’m the one got burnt!” Jayne yelled. “She’s done gone ‘round the bend more’n enough times to find her way back! I’m gonna blister!”

Gaze dropping to the cup, River leaned down fingers picking up the broken handle, effectively cutting her index finger which welled up with a small amount of blood.

“It’s broken. I got some adhesive though. Fix it up good as new.” Kaylee dropped down into a crouch, watching River’s face intently in case a fit came on from something as simple as a broken mug.

The mug was a deep red, that was Mal’s colour, always and forever red. She let her mind grasp it for just a moment, then with a quick shake of her head let it fall.

“No. It’s not broken, just confused. It’ll fix itself.”

Kaylee offered River her hand, helping her back to her feet. “You sure you’re okay?”

River gave a very secretive smile. “Feel great, real shiny.”


	6. Chapter 6

Mal wanted to be sick. He stood there over Simon, just staring down at him as if he’d never seen him before in his life. He hadn’t done this. It was all some weird dream and he’d wake up in his bunk just like normal. That wasn’t the case and his mind finally made him believe it. Taking stock of the situation, Mal moved for the sink and got himself properly cleaned up and certain body parts arranged back in place and clothed. Now came the task of doing the same for Simon. The doc was sprawled out on his back, pants down around his ankles. Cursing himself six shades of blue, he pushed Simon over on his side, hands stilling from pulling up the younger man’s slacks when he saw the crimson streaks along the cleft of Simon’s ass. Yeah, he was gonna be sick. He hadn’t done that. He’d expected Simon to have been much more use to this being sly and all. Certainly he’d…he couldn’t have been… “Oh, Ai ya! [Damn]”

Simon started to stir and Mal felt a panic set in on him. Racing to his bunk, he grabbed a blanket and tossed it over Simon’s semi-naked form. *At what point did I lose control here? I was only suppose to scare him away, not this!*

Dark eyes were fixed on him and Mal straightened his shoulders a bit. He had to fix this before it got out of hand. “Who am I kidding?” The sound of his own voice making the accusation out loud made Mal flinch.

“Not me.” Small smile and Simon was trying to sit up. Mal watched as he winced and gave a sharp hiss at the discomfort. “Well, you certainly worked me over.”

The words bounced around his brain, hitting every raw nerve, every self-defence mechanism that Mal had. Pointing an accusing finger in Simon’s face, he let the anger out. “You wanted it. You purposefully set this up to get me to fuck you! Comin’ down here all fancied up in your fine clothes and practically exuding sex from every damn pore on your body…”

“Which you seemed to enjoy if I recall correctly.” Simon’s cheeks were reddening, the colour beginning to creep down to his throat. “You think I didn’t hear you saying my name when you…ca…climaxed?”

“What’s the matter, Simon? Afraid to use the dirty words? Afraid that’ll make you less of a gentleman?” Mal turned away from him, walking over to the sink and grabbing another washcloth. He threw it back to Simon. “Get cleaned up and get outta my bunk.”

“Fine. Like I stated before, I’m not asking for anything from you.” Simon’s hand disappeared beneath the blanket and he made no movements to hide what he was doing. He did mutter a hiss when he realized there was some blood on the cloth. “Someone got a little overzealous.”

“You got exactly what you wanted.” Words of accusation, not only to Simon, but to himself. He’d let Simon manipulate him and that was near unforgivable. “Ya always trick the guys who fuck ya?”

Simon was shimmying under the thin blanket, trying to pull his pants up. “I don’t know, Mal, let me ask the only man who’s ever… had me.” He arched his back to pull his pants over his hips and noticed with satisfaction Mal watching his movements intensely. “Did you like it when I tricked you, Mal? How did it feel for me to force you?”

The blinding rage was boiling up, burning him from the inside out. He wanted to lash out again, make Simon pay for making him feel this guilt. “Get your ass outta my bunk.” He watched as Simon moved to obey his order and noticed the minute flinch of pain as he moved. It was like flinging blame at him. “Next time ya feel that hurt, remember this is your own fault. Comin’ inta my space ‘n’ playin’ the whore… lying ta me.”

Simon stood to his full height and glared back at Mal. “Lying?”

“Trying ta make me think I was your first. Wouldn’t offer up your ass like that if I was your first.”

Parts of his brain screamed at him not to answer Mal. The rational thing to do would be to leave. But the thing he shared with Mal was anything but rational. He knew exactly what would hurt Mal. “You were the first man to fuck me Mal.” The dirty words coming easily now as he moved closer to Mal in the small room. “But you weren’t the first man I pleasured. I’m sly… a prissy doctor, I’ve heard you call me before. But do you know how often I’ve been called cocksucker? I like being down on my knees in front of a man. Guess I can add that I like being fucked to my repertoire.”

Mal wasn’t sure why he slapped Simon, when a punch would’ve been just as easy and cause more damage. His hand shot out and smacked the boy hard. Anything to make him shut up. “You’re pathetic.”

“You’re not the first man to do that either. And maybe I am pathetic,” Simon laughed and licked his lips. The sharp sting on his cheek was warming in way that had nothing to do with cold. “But you’re even worse for giving me what I want.”

“Well, you’re never gettin’ it again.”

Simon looked down and then back up at Mal through his lashes. “I like how you worded that, Mal. I’m not getting it again… not from you? Not from anybody else? Why should it bother you if I go to someone else to get what you don’t want to give me.”

Mal’s teeth were grinding. He wanted to throw Simon back down on the bed and shut him up. Kiss that damn mouth until he stopped talking. “Think you’re a brazen lil’ bastard. You’re lucky ya won’t be gettin’ a bullet in the head if ya don’t shut up ‘n’ get your ass outta my quarters. No one else ta go ‘n’ bend over for. Jayne don’t do pansies. No way in hell are ya getting’ off this ship, either. And if ya think about tryin’ this with me again…”

“Captain…” The title was laced with heavy sarcasm. “It’s your ship... your rules. Why wouldn’t I obey?”

So many damn complications and aggravations right now that his head wanted to explain. “Damn straight it’s my gorram [damn] ship!”

Simon walked over to the ladder and leaned his back against it. “A small ship that spends a long time in the black, Captain. I’m offering a good time with no attachments… ”

“Never needed ya before, boy. Got mighty high delusions of grandeur concerning your ass. This was a mistake.” Hurting him had been a mistake, but he couldn’t say that. He watched as Simon raised that stubborn chin in defiance. “Fucking you was a mistake. One that wasn’t worth the time I put into it. So, princess, you’re gonna be taking your pain-lovin’ freak ass ‘n’ leave now before ya make me sick seein’ your face.”

The words were full of disgust and Mal was looking at him like he really was a freak. Simon clutched the open shirt around his neck to hide the bruises. The sense of belonging that come with Mal’s first touch made him feel dirty now. Mal thought he was freak. He turned around to escape Mal’s condemning stare and tried to climb the ladder so quickly that he stumbled. Now he knew he had made a fool of himself, offering Mal something the man never wanted or needed. There would be no more touches… he wouldn’t belong to anyone…

As he staggered into the corridor, he leaned against the wall, feeling the cool metal under his fingers and forehead. He smacked his forehead roughly against the wall, wanting to punish himself for those thoughts of needing to belong to someone. He was disgusting and unnatural for wanting to belong to anyone… for wanting Mal’s touch and control even now. Tears burned at his eyes and he felt the need to cause more pain to escape the shame. He smashed his head against the metal again, tasting the copper tang of blood touch his lips. The sound of Mal’s bunk door slamming was the final straw. Simon curled up on himself and forced the air to move through his lungs. Even after all of the things Simon had said, after all the things Mal had said, the need in him flared again. He wanted to make things right but there would be only be more harsh words on his part if he tried to enter into that bunk again. With a choked sob, Simon forced himself to his feet. He raised a hand to his lip and wiped a way a trickle of blood. It stood out starkly against the white of skin. A strange sensation swept through him and he could hear a voice calm and steady in the back of his head. *Pain is insignificant.* He turned to go, wanting to crawl back into his own bed, in his own bunk, and try like hell to force himself to sleep. He didn’t make it very far, not even really more than a step. Zoe stood watching him in the shadow of the corridor.

* * *

She’d been restless for most of the evening. Sleep was something she had learned to take as soon as the opportunity presented itself, left over training from the war that she still made good on. Instead, she found herself needing some kind of extra push to fall over into the abyss of sleep. It was suppose to be nothing more than a trip to the mess to fix a cup of hot tea. She would never make it there. The noise really didn’t amount to much, most of the crew would have passed it by without much of another thought. Zoe knew different. Each of the crew bunks was designed to block out most sounds, which meant whatever was going on in Mal’s bunk was at a raised level of communication. There was a helluva fight brewing in there and she meant to make sure that the person on the receiving end of Mal’s temper was okay. When it had been Simon climbing up and out, Zoe’s breath had stopped in her throat, stomach doing a small flip-flop that wasn’t an effect of her pregnancy. She knew something had been going on between the captain and the doc with all the strained tension between them lately. It wasn’t like they never bumped heads, the two of them were so different and yet so the same because they were both stubborn hwoon dahns when they wanted to be. But Simon’s actions were wrong. He was a doctor and this show of self-abuse proved that Zoe’s instincts of a problem where finally set to rights. Whatever it was that was going on, it had to stop.

She saw the doc’s gaze finally settle on her in the darkness of the corridor. Quite a feat for a man without any military training. He seemed to zone right in on her. She stepped forward letting a bit of light from Serenity’s panels pull her from the shadows. She didn’t say a word, just stepped up to him and touch at his cheek. She could feel Simon’s pulse there in that angry red mark that spread from chin up to right next to his eye. Too large to have been a punch and there was the tell-tale mark of a handprint.

“Did he hit you?”

Simon turned his head away from her. “It’s nothing.”

“Ain’t nothin’, Simon. I ask of courtesy for you but it’s quite clear that he did.” Hands clenching at her sides, Zoe sucked in a breath of air and let it back out. “You and captain been dancin’ around each other for awhile now. You care to tell me what in the tyen shiao duh [name of all that’s sacred] is goin’ on here? Or do I need to be takin’ this up personally with the captain himself?”

The mention of Mal had Simon’s shoulders straightening, his posture changing from a man beaten to a man who would do the beating. “I said it’s nothing. Everything is fine, Zoe. Nothing more than a heated argument and now it’s fine.”

His body language said more. Zoe could see him practically vibrating with the tension and the fear of being questioned, of being found out. She crossed her arms below her breasts and gave a nod to him. “Alright, Doc. I think it would be for the best if you headed on out of here then. A shower might help you relax too. You’re upset and you need to relax. I won’t ask any more questions of you.”

The younger man visibly relaxed at those words. This tough guy routine that she had never really seen before was suddenly Simon again. The whole idea of it shook her to the very core. They all wore masks but for Simon to have had to create one was downright unsettling. After all they’d been through as crew, Zoe knew the boy wasn’t naïve. To know now that he was truly becoming one of them in every way made her want to scream.

“Go on, Doc. Get yourself together and get back to your bunk. River’ll be off duty soon for a little bit of rest. I told her she was to sleep down in her bunk tonight. Jayne gets a might tetchy when he’s got watch and she’s sleepin’ in the co-pilot chair.”

Simon didn’t say a word, just turned and left, shoulders slumped in defeat. Zoe had a sneaking suspicion that it wasn’t from her words, but from whatever it was that had passed between him and the captain.

She stood there for some time, making sure that Simon didn’t wander back. Nothing good would come of it if he did. She’d drag him back to his bunk if need be. Right now she wanted a few moments to collect her own thoughts before heading below to pay a visit with the captain. It surely wouldn’t be a pleasant one but it was necessary. The boy had smelled of sexin’. That she didn’t have a problem with. She’d had many a look sent her way when she’d married Wash. They were an unlikely pair. Out here in the black, it didn’t matter much. You held on to whatever came your way and you clung to it. Point of fact, she’d have been happier if all of this had went down in different circumstances. Mal had always been a loner, no matter how many men or women he commanded during the war. He was still a loner on a ship full of crew. He needed someone and so did the doc. But not like this, not with tensions so high and hurtful words that came to blows.

She brought her hand up to Mal’s bunk door, a sure indicator that things were very much wrong since it was shut. She knocked and waited for him to call up.

Instead of hearing his call, she heard the quick footsteps on the ladder and the door was rapidly flung open. “Bun- tyen-shung duh ee-dway-ro [Stupid inbred stack of meat] I thought I told ya to stay the hell away from me! Ya want more…” Mal was in the middle of his rant when he saw exactly who was standing at his door. “Zoe… thought you was someone else.”

Zoe regarded her Captain with a critical eye. Taking in Mal’s rumpled appearance, but lack of marks from fighting, she was starting to draw some nasty conclusions. “Ya mean the boy that came outta here and smelt like he’d been sexed up for a week?”

Mal’s breath hitched and escaped in a low hiss. “ Kao! [Fuck!] This ain’t none of your business, Zoe.” Realizing quickly who he was talking to, took a deep breath. He didn’t use that tone with his second in command and scrubbed the back of his neck. “It’s handled.”

“Now I figure we can go down and have a drink, Sir. We got some private talkin’ ta do that has no place in the corridors.”

Mal’s looked at her belly. “You can’t drink.”

“You’ll have a drink to calm ya down.” Her voice was deceivingly peaceful and she waited to hear the inevitable sigh from Mal. She followed him down to his quarters after she closed the door. Once her feet hit the floor, she turned around to see Mal watching her. She knew that look. “Ai ya [Damn], Captain. I’m not gonna break by climbin’ down some ladder.”

Mal made a humphing noise and turned away from Zoe. He reached into his bedside table and pulled out a bottle filled with amber liquid. “Gonna need that drink.” He took a deep swig from the bottle, embracing the sweet burn as it slid down his throat. It was a damn good way to erase Simon’s taste from his mouth.

“So, did ya wake up this mornin’, roll over ‘n’ go… hey, today I feel like fuckin’ my doctor.” Mal glared at her and took another swig from the bottle. She pretty much knew this was going to be a one sided conversation. “See, I’m just tryin’ ta figure out when you lost your tian sha [goddamn] mind. Because I figure it’s the only way you’d hit one of your own.”

“I’ve hit him before…” Even he realized how bad that sounded. He’d rather explain something with his gun most days than with pretty language. His explanations just never seemed to come out right. “It’s what men do.”

“Men hit the men under their command?” It was the kind of quiet attack that she preferred over yelling. Verbal attack was more precise and the kill far more clean.

Mal pointed the bottle at her and shook it to emphasis his point. “You’re twisting my words around. You don’t know…”

Zoe locked eyes with her Captain and oldest friend. Seeing how tense and uncomfortable he was, she just knew he was holding whole mess of guilt. “I know ya hit him. And I saw the bruises on that boy’s neck. Seein’ as ya don’t have matching love bites ‘n’ marks, I’m guessin’ he didn’t fight back. So, that just makes it worse being that he’s sweet on you.”

It wasn’t that long ago that the man in question had been in his bunk. He flopped down on the bed and ran his hand over the sheet, a tiny voice in his brain telling him he hadn’t even offered Simon that small comfort. The panic he felt when Simon wouldn’t wake up right away was still fresh. Raw, tearing into his mind, and near making it bleed with grief. And there was Zoe, starring at him with those brown eyes… eyes not the exact shade of Simon’s that had also starred at him with accusations. “I don’t have to…”

“Explain yourself? Guess ya think you don’t. But what I need is some reassurance that you’re not gonna do it again. Because we’ve lost too many dear to us to push those left off the deep end.” Her hand went to her belly and in a moment of selfishness, she knew she needed to keep Simon whole for her babies. “We need him, Mal. Don’t want ta see another mark on that pretty white skin. Don’t wanna see him lookin’ like his heart was ripped out ‘n’ thrown out the airlock. No more messin’ with him, dong ma?”

Sink or swim, he remembered his Mama telling him. Now Mal felt like he was drowning with a heavy weight dragging him into the deep, dark depths. “My ship…”

“Not gonna let ya tarnish Serenity with that excuse. I expect more of my Captain.”

Mal knew that Zoe wasn’t just talking about their ship. He was supposed to protect his crew, but he’d failed to protect Simon from himself. Giving into weakness, he’d let the boy seduce him. “Still my ship.”

“Captain…”

Mal waved a hand in truce. “Zoe, stop. I get the point of this conversation. Things got outta hand.” Mal ran his fingers through his hair. “Trust me, ain’t gonna happen again. That I can tell ya right now.” Watching her closely, Mal found the disbelief in her eyes. “What!? My word ain’t good enough? What do you want from me, Zoe, blood?”

Zoe walked forward and leaned down into Mal’s personal space, something she learned not to do a long time ago. She threw that caution to the wind, forcing him to lean back into the mattress as she placed arms on either side of his thighs. “Reckon it’d be appropriate, sir, seein’ as how he had blood on his hands when he left. Like I said, you seem to be all in one fine and dandy piece.”

Mal’s voice turned to a low growl. “Don’t like this side of you, Zo.”

She did something totally unexpected. She smiled and leaned in and pressed a kiss to Mal’s forehead. “Better get use to it, Captain. I’m in a motherly-way now. I don’t mean to threaten, I don’t mean to do that at all, but this thing with the two of ya, it’s unsettlin’.” She looked Mal square in the eye. “You of all people know that a strong word can be just as hurtful as a strong hand. I’ll take ya at your word, sir. I have no reason not to do that. I’ve never asked something from you but I am now. Take care with the doc, I got a feelin’ things are gonna get a whole lot worse ‘fore they get better.”

Zoe pulled back, standing up to her full height to give her words more affect. She didn’t like having to do it the slightest little bit, but she needed Mal to understand. Something had been off kilter with the Doc ever since Miranda and she wanted to know what. “He looks up to you, Captain. Nothing worse than the person you put on a pedestal punchin’ ya into the ground.”

Mal could only nod his head, but that was good enough for Zoe. She turned to go, making her way over to the ladder. She hadn’t been tired before, but she was thoroughly exhausted now.

“Zoe, ‘fore you go, can I ask you somethin’?”

She stopped, hand on the ladder and looked at him. “Sure thing, Captain.”

Mal leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “You coulda decked me just then and ya didn’t. In fact, ya kissed me on my forehead like I was nothin’ more than a young’un. Why?”

Zoe thought about it for a second, then smiled softly at him. “Sometimes my mother would do the same thing to me after I’d been a little on the unruly side. She always told me that a simple show of trust and compassion could work better than any heavy-handed punishment that was dealt out.” With that, Zoe climbed up the ladder, hoping against hope that Mal would take those words to heart. If not, things indeed were gonna get a lot worse and no one would walk out of the fallout unscathed this time.

* * *

River had barely slept at all in her own bunk the night before. Her mind had been occupied by the sounds of Simon’s not-so-quiet sobbing. The pain had been hot and bright in her mind, twisting around in her stomach like a pit of snakes, venomous and slippery sleek. Even breaths and no movements had fooled her brother, allowing him to spill out the anger and hurt he was feeling. She’d reached out with her mind only, trying hard to will the suffering to come to her. She could touch it but she couldn’t reel it in. Lying there after he had fallen into a restless sleep, River had closed her eyes and tried hard to find Mal’s thread, but it was so black and angry she has shied away from it.

Now she was restlessly walking the ship, trying to keep her own agitation at bay. Ripples stretching out across the black sea of space and making her bounce in the current, seasick…spacesick…no difference to her. She wanted to fly and feel Serenity’s calming thrum beneath her fingertips, but the Captain had been in the pilot chair when she’d gotten there. Recipe for unpleasantness for sure. She had laid a hand on the back of his chair, startling him out of his thoughts and he’d cursed at her…bad words unchecked streaming out of his mouth. He’d apologized and told her to come back in a few hours time.

“Your ship.” She had said that to him in a flat tone and walked out, catching the memory in his mind of what had happened between him and her brother. She had thrown the thread away, not wanting to get caught up in the emotional turmoil that would drag her down, down, down, into the dark. She knew if she touched it, she would fly away into her own head and Simon would come bearing the gift of needles and sleepy sedatives. Serenity was what she needed, so she headed for the cargo bay to sit on the steel grating and reconnect with her.

River hummed quietly to herself, just feeling the vibrations of Serenity creeping up from her toes. Engine was turning, grav thrust was functional, life support flowing. Her gaze drifted over the cargo hold, taking in the large crate that was Diane’s cargo. She stood and walked over to it, tiptoeing and light. The wood was rough on her fingertips and she squinted at the fine grain of it. Fingers brushing along the nails, she leaned her head against the wood. River stayed there for only a few moments. Her eyes widened at the vision in her mind. She jerked her head back and her normally graceful step faltered, bringing her down hard on her backside.

“Someone’s got a secret.” She sing-songed.

“What are you doing down there?”

River sighed and turned to look up at their newest passenger. Diane was watching her with a rather intent look on her face and that caused River to smile. “Being secretive. Hiding.”

Diane’s lithe form started down the stairs and towards her. “Thought you were the pilot? Who’s flying the ship if you’re down here hiding?”

River laughed and stood up in one smooth movement. “Captain’s there, but I’m not hiding. I’m in plain sight aren’t I?” She glided past Diane, feeling the woman’s uncertainty and slight fear. “But then, hiding in plain sight is usually the best way to not be found out, isn’t it, Diane? Pretty doll surrounded by unseemly sorts and encased in metal, no one would think she was here, would they?”

Diane shook her head and stared blankly at River. “I know who you are, River. Your face has been all over the Cortex since your brother took you from the Academy. You don’t have to hide anymore though. Serenity doesn’t have to be a prison for you any longer.”

Frowning, River backed away from Diane. “Not a prison for me. This is freedom. This is home.”

She had been warned about the girl, but there was nothing that could prepare her for the real thing. Her insides rumbled and there was a flash of pain. Diane chalked it up to nervousness. “There are other places that could feel like home. Places you could really make a difference. You could help stop the people responsible for Miranda.”

“Miranda is Latin for extraordinary… miraculous. It was meant to be shiny, sparkly new.” Her hand waved in the air and her fingers wiggled like a bad magician. She touched the fading thread with her mind and knew it had been scalded by the sun. “Slowly dying. No way to go. Did ya know that they’re picking up the bodies at Miranda? Going to resettle it with people too desperate to care.”

There was that flip in Diane’s stomach again. It was the image of those dead bodies and the Reavers tearing apart that scientist. They had all watched it. “You… your brother… you could use your skills to stop them.”

River whirled around, her hair whipping around like a curtain of snakes. “You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. You’ve got no honey. But I always found it was easier to catch flies with my hand.” She made a buzzing sound and her eyes darted around, following a pretend fly. Her hand reached quickly in the air and snatched the pretend fly, but not crushing it. “They always try and get away. Come into my web said the spider to the fly… The spider has an awfully big shadow.”

Diane took a step back and she watched River open her hands, letting the imaginary fly escape. “I think I’ll talk with you another time, Miss Tam.”

River’s eyes darted, following the fly with her eyes. She smiled sadly to herself. “Time is too short. Some of us are flies that hide from the spiders. Some of us are lunch.”

* * *

All she could see was the pipe just above her nose. Her fingers danced around the wires out of her sight, but still fixing them just fine because she could see the layout in her mind. Squeezed in tight into place no man could fit, all you could see was her bare feet sticking out from one of the vents. She felt a light tickle on the bottom of her left foot and her head smashed up into the pipe. It ached and she would have rubbed her skull if she could have reached.

“Ai ya! [Damn!] Better not be no damn rat!” she bellowed

“Shuh muh [I’m sorry],” Jayne’s voice mumbled back to her. “Not no rat.”

It takes her a few moments to shimmy around and crawl out of the vent. She looked up from the floor to see Jayne towering over her. “What do ya want, Jayne?” She rubs the back of her head now, checking to make sure there wasn’t any blood. Sure enough, no blood. It’s always the superficial wounds that sting the most.

“Shuh muh [I’m sorry],” he repeats. Jayne reaches down, thinking it would be the proper thing to help Kaylee up. What he ends up doing is grabbing her by the arm of her overalls and hauling her to her feet. “See, you’re fine. Right?”

Kaylee stumbles a bit, but quickly finds her feet. “I guess so. Ya didn’t tell me what ya wanted.”

Jayne seems a little uncomfortable and looks down at his scuffed boots. “Don’t want nothin’.”

Damn it if the man wasn’t as thick as a board sometimes. “Then why are ya here, Jayne?”

For his part, he thought she was a frustrating little scrap of a woman, covered in grease and smelling like a man. Everyone had been acting strange and twitchy on board. He was nice enough to come see her, make sure she was okay, and here she was not all grateful, but instead challenging him. “I’m just here.”

“Riiight,” Kaylee sighed. “Well, since you’re here, ya might as well do somethin’ useful.” She handed Jayne a wrench and pointed a bolt to high for her to reach with out getting something to stand on. It was nothing important, but it was giving Jayne something to do and maybe stroking his ego a bit to think he could help her. “Tighten that bolt.”

Jayne made a grumbling noise at being put to work, but he reached up and did what he was told. “Ya know. Iffin’ ya ever need help, I’m…”

“Tall?” Kaylee cut him off with a giggle. “I know. Useful in this case. With your long monkey arms.”

Jayne stopped for a moment and blinked at her. Did she just? “Monkey arms?”

Kaylee rolled her eyes and tried hard not to laugh at him again. “Just tighten the other one next to it, Jayne.”

Lowering herself back down to the floor, Kaylee started to work her way back into the vent. Grinning to herself she started humming a bit as her hands found their way deftly through Serenity’s innards once again. She hadn’t been down there for more than a few seconds when a firm grip settled onto her ankle. “Jayne, what’re ya doin?”

“Usin’ my monkey arms to drag you out. Done gone and hurt my noble sensibilities, girl. Now you’re gonna pay for it.”

Giving a perfunctory kick with her leg, Kaylee tried to dislodge Jayne’s grip from her ankle. Suddenly the other hand took a good hold on the opposite angle and started to pull. Gasping at the strong tug, Kaylee let her hands loose of the wires and slid her hands over to take hold of a steel pipe, she recognized it as the part of the air ventilation system, and grabbed hold.

“Jayne! Leggo of my ruttin’ ankles! You’re gonna make me break somethin’ down here!” One hand loosened and Kaylee gave a sigh of relief only to find that breath sucked hastily back in as Jayne’s fingers began to trace and tickle along the sole of her foot. “No! Oh, Jayne, no!”

“Oh, yes. Def’nitely yes. Get your wiggly gorram [damn] ass outta that vent! I’m gonna give you a right proper payback for that monkey arm remark. Let go, Kaylee! Mal’ll be mighty pissed if ya break somethin’ in there!” Fingers were tickling further up, going right underneath her baggy overalls and making her skin prickle.

Kaylee’s grip slipped and she found herself grabbing for the lip of the vent to keep herself from falling completely at Jayne’s mercy. “Jayne! I’m gonna tell the cap’n it was your fault!” Tears were beginning to roll down her cheeks from laughing to hard. She kicked back hard with one foot and connected. The hands were gone from her and all she could hear was Jayne groaning. Pressing her palms into the cold metal of Serenity’s floors, Kaylee slid back and turned around on her bottom to find Jayne collapsed and curled in on himself.

“Gorram [Damn] it, Kaylee!” The yell was a half-gasp. That’s when she noticed his hands were protectively laced over his crotch. “What’d ya have to go and do that for?”

Kaylee’s mouth fell open and she quickly scrambled over to Jayne’s prostrate form. “Oh, Jayne! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean ta…does it hurt? Should I call for Si…”

Kaylee saw it too late as Jayne’s fake grimace changed over into a feral grin. Her wrists were trapped so quickly that she didn’t even get a chance to pull away.

“Gotcha!”

Jayne pulled hard and she watched as the logo on his shirt came into a quick close up before her back hit the deck. She could see the ceiling and then all she could see was Jayne grinning unabashedly down at her. She tried to wiggle away, but she couldn’t move. She was effectively pinned down, one large hand holding both of her small wrists way above her head. The other hand was sliding beneath the side of her coveralls and along the skin of her belly. She shivered and laughed as his fingers pressed down along her belly button.

“Oh no!” She felt the giggles spilling out of her, just gushing forward, loud and long. “Please, Jayne! No more! I’m sorry. I give up!”

Jayne laughed along with her. “Ya hurt my feelins, little Kaylee. I ain’t no monkey, not an ape either no matter what the Doc’s said in the past.”

Kaylee felt the laughter die in her throat and she really looked up into Jayne’s face. There was no hurt there, just a statement that had slipped out. His eyes were sparkling with a happiness Kaylee thought was only ever reserved for when he got paid from a job.

“Not a monkey or an ape, Jayne. I didn’t really hurt your feelins did I? I didn’t mean to.”

Jayne’s smile softened a bit, not that wide grin of hilarity that had been there just moments ago. “No, darlin’, ya didn’t. I was only joshin’ with ya s’all.” He let go of her wrists and pulled himself up into a crouch, offering her his hand. “C’mon, ‘fore we both get into trouble with Mal.”

Reaching out to take his hand, Kaylee let him help hoist her up. He pulled a little too hard and she gave a small moan as her breasts pressed up the expanse of his well-muscled chest. Her hands immediately grabbed at his shoulders, her body moulded to his in all the right ways…and all the wrong ways that felt right.

The usual thrum of Serenity disappeared; the smell of the engine grease covering her was non-existant. Her senses were totally focused on the man before her. She forced herself to look up into her eyes and what she saw there frightened her and aroused her. Jayne was looking directly at her, his eyes had gone half closed and she could hear his breaths deepen. Her belly dropped as she found her hands sliding up along his neck moving into the thick, short hair at the base of his skull. Jayne’s head bent down slowly even as she found herself going up on her tiptoes. Their breaths mingling as the space closed between them.

“Kaylee! The gorram [damn] screen display’s on the fritz again!” Mal’s voice boomed like God from the comm system.

The way Jayne jerked away from Kaylee would have been comical if she hadn’t been about to get thoroughly and wonderfully kissed. If there was one flaw of the Captain’s that weighed on her nerves it was his gracious sense of timing.

She moved toward the comm and pressed the button, cursing a blue streak the whole way over. “I’m on my way, Cap’n.”

The moment had been right there! Just two more seconds and the captain could have asked her to go out on the hull of the ship in naught but her skin and Kaylee would have gladly complied with that request. Jayne was nervously shifting from one foot to the other. She didn’t even know what to say to him but what did come out of her mouth even surprised her.

“You’ll be in your bunk?”

Jayne’s eyes widened in shock for a fraction of a second, and then it was nothing more than an eat-you-alive grin. “Yep.” With that, he was walking past her and out the door, but not before taking a good second to run a hand along her arm as he made his way out.

Kaylee sighed and went to over to the open vent to retrieve her toolbox. “Great. Just wonderful. Looks like another night of battery-induced orgasms.”


	7. Chapter 7

Mal wanted to be sick. He stood there over Simon, just staring down at him as if he’d never seen him before in his life. He hadn’t done this. It was all some weird dream and he’d wake up in his bunk just like normal. That wasn’t the case and his mind finally made him believe it. Taking stock of the situation, Mal moved for the sink and got himself properly cleaned up and certain body parts arranged back in place and clothed. Now came the task of doing the same for Simon. The doc was sprawled out on his back, pants down around his ankles. Cursing himself six shades of blue, he pushed Simon over on his side, hands stilling from pulling up the younger man’s slacks when he saw the crimson streaks along the cleft of Simon’s ass. Yeah, he was gonna be sick. He hadn’t done that. He’d expected Simon to have been much more use to this being sly and all. Certainly he’d…he couldn’t have been… “Oh, Ai ya! [Damn]”

Simon started to stir and Mal felt a panic set in on him. Racing to his bunk, he grabbed a blanket and tossed it over Simon’s semi-naked form. *At what point did I lose control here? I was only suppose to scare him away, not this!*

Dark eyes were fixed on him and Mal straightened his shoulders a bit. He had to fix this before it got out of hand. “Who am I kidding?” The sound of his own voice making the accusation out loud made Mal flinch.

“Not me.” Small smile and Simon was trying to sit up. Mal watched as he winced and gave a sharp hiss at the discomfort. “Well, you certainly worked me over.”

The words bounced around his brain, hitting every raw nerve, every self-defence mechanism that Mal had. Pointing an accusing finger in Simon’s face, he let the anger out. “You wanted it. You purposefully set this up to get me to fuck you! Comin’ down here all fancied up in your fine clothes and practically exuding sex from every damn pore on your body…”

“Which you seemed to enjoy if I recall correctly.” Simon’s cheeks were reddening, the colour beginning to creep down to his throat. “You think I didn’t hear you saying my name when you…ca…climaxed?”

“What’s the matter, Simon? Afraid to use the dirty words? Afraid that’ll make you less of a gentleman?” Mal turned away from him, walking over to the sink and grabbing another washcloth. He threw it back to Simon. “Get cleaned up and get outta my bunk.”

“Fine. Like I stated before, I’m not asking for anything from you.” Simon’s hand disappeared beneath the blanket and he made no movements to hide what he was doing. He did mutter a hiss when he realized there was some blood on the cloth. “Someone got a little overzealous.”

“You got exactly what you wanted.” Words of accusation, not only to Simon, but to himself. He’d let Simon manipulate him and that was near unforgivable. “Ya always trick the guys who fuck ya?”

Simon was shimmying under the thin blanket, trying to pull his pants up. “I don’t know, Mal, let me ask the only man who’s ever… had me.” He arched his back to pull his pants over his hips and noticed with satisfaction Mal watching his movements intensely. “Did you like it when I tricked you, Mal? How did it feel for me to force you?”

The blinding rage was boiling up, burning him from the inside out. He wanted to lash out again, make Simon pay for making him feel this guilt. “Get your ass outta my bunk.” He watched as Simon moved to obey his order and noticed the minute flinch of pain as he moved. It was like flinging blame at him. “Next time ya feel that hurt, remember this is your own fault. Comin’ inta my space ‘n’ playin’ the whore… lying ta me.”

Simon stood to his full height and glared back at Mal. “Lying?”

“Trying ta make me think I was your first. Wouldn’t offer up your ass like that if I was your first.”

Parts of his brain screamed at him not to answer Mal. The rational thing to do would be to leave. But the thing he shared with Mal was anything but rational. He knew exactly what would hurt Mal. “You were the first man to fuck me Mal.” The dirty words coming easily now as he moved closer to Mal in the small room. “But you weren’t the first man I pleasured. I’m sly… a prissy doctor, I’ve heard you call me before. But do you know how often I’ve been called cocksucker? I like being down on my knees in front of a man. Guess I can add that I like being fucked to my repertoire.”

Mal wasn’t sure why he slapped Simon, when a punch would’ve been just as easy and cause more damage. His hand shot out and smacked the boy hard. Anything to make him shut up. “You’re pathetic.”

“You’re not the first man to do that either. And maybe I am pathetic,” Simon laughed and licked his lips. The sharp sting on his cheek was warming in way that had nothing to do with cold. “But you’re even worse for giving me what I want.”

“Well, you’re never gettin’ it again.”

Simon looked down and then back up at Mal through his lashes. “I like how you worded that, Mal. I’m not getting it again… not from you? Not from anybody else? Why should it bother you if I go to someone else to get what you don’t want to give me.”

Mal’s teeth were grinding. He wanted to throw Simon back down on the bed and shut him up. Kiss that damn mouth until he stopped talking. “Think you’re a brazen lil’ bastard. You’re lucky ya won’t be gettin’ a bullet in the head if ya don’t shut up ‘n’ get your ass outta my quarters. No one else ta go ‘n’ bend over for. Jayne don’t do pansies. No way in hell are ya getting’ off this ship, either. And if ya think about tryin’ this with me again…”

“Captain…” The title was laced with heavy sarcasm. “It’s your ship... your rules. Why wouldn’t I obey?”

So many damn complications and aggravations right now that his head wanted to explain. “Damn straight it’s my gorram [damn] ship!”

Simon walked over to the ladder and leaned his back against it. “A small ship that spends a long time in the black, Captain. I’m offering a good time with no attachments… ”

“Never needed ya before, boy. Got mighty high delusions of grandeur concerning your ass. This was a mistake.” Hurting him had been a mistake, but he couldn’t say that. He watched as Simon raised that stubborn chin in defiance. “Fucking you was a mistake. One that wasn’t worth the time I put into it. So, princess, you’re gonna be taking your pain-lovin’ freak ass ‘n’ leave now before ya make me sick seein’ your face.”

The words were full of disgust and Mal was looking at him like he really was a freak. Simon clutched the open shirt around his neck to hide the bruises. The sense of belonging that come with Mal’s first touch made him feel dirty now. Mal thought he was freak. He turned around to escape Mal’s condemning stare and tried to climb the ladder so quickly that he stumbled. Now he knew he had made a fool of himself, offering Mal something the man never wanted or needed. There would be no more touches… he wouldn’t belong to anyone…

As he staggered into the corridor, he leaned against the wall, feeling the cool metal under his fingers and forehead. He smacked his forehead roughly against the wall, wanting to punish himself for those thoughts of needing to belong to someone. He was disgusting and unnatural for wanting to belong to anyone… for wanting Mal’s touch and control even now. Tears burned at his eyes and he felt the need to cause more pain to escape the shame. He smashed his head against the metal again, tasting the copper tang of blood touch his lips. The sound of Mal’s bunk door slamming was the final straw. Simon curled up on himself and forced the air to move through his lungs. Even after all of the things Simon had said, after all the things Mal had said, the need in him flared again. He wanted to make things right but there would be only be more harsh words on his part if he tried to enter into that bunk again. With a choked sob, Simon forced himself to his feet. He raised a hand to his lip and wiped a way a trickle of blood. It stood out starkly against the white of skin. A strange sensation swept through him and he could hear a voice calm and steady in the back of his head. *Pain is insignificant.* He turned to go, wanting to crawl back into his own bed, in his own bunk, and try like hell to force himself to sleep. He didn’t make it very far, not even really more than a step. Zoe stood watching him in the shadow of the corridor.

* * *

She’d been restless for most of the evening. Sleep was something she had learned to take as soon as the opportunity presented itself, left over training from the war that she still made good on. Instead, she found herself needing some kind of extra push to fall over into the abyss of sleep. It was suppose to be nothing more than a trip to the mess to fix a cup of hot tea. She would never make it there. The noise really didn’t amount to much, most of the crew would have passed it by without much of another thought. Zoe knew different. Each of the crew bunks was designed to block out most sounds, which meant whatever was going on in Mal’s bunk was at a raised level of communication. There was a helluva fight brewing in there and she meant to make sure that the person on the receiving end of Mal’s temper was okay. When it had been Simon climbing up and out, Zoe’s breath had stopped in her throat, stomach doing a small flip-flop that wasn’t an effect of her pregnancy. She knew something had been going on between the captain and the doc with all the strained tension between them lately. It wasn’t like they never bumped heads, the two of them were so different and yet so the same because they were both stubborn hwoon dahns when they wanted to be. But Simon’s actions were wrong. He was a doctor and this show of self-abuse proved that Zoe’s instincts of a problem where finally set to rights. Whatever it was that was going on, it had to stop.

She saw the doc’s gaze finally settle on her in the darkness of the corridor. Quite a feat for a man without any military training. He seemed to zone right in on her. She stepped forward letting a bit of light from Serenity’s panels pull her from the shadows. She didn’t say a word, just stepped up to him and touch at his cheek. She could feel Simon’s pulse there in that angry red mark that spread from chin up to right next to his eye. Too large to have been a punch and there was the tell-tale mark of a handprint.

“Did he hit you?”

Simon turned his head away from her. “It’s nothing.”

“Ain’t nothin’, Simon. I ask of courtesy for you but it’s quite clear that he did.” Hands clenching at her sides, Zoe sucked in a breath of air and let it back out. “You and captain been dancin’ around each other for awhile now. You care to tell me what in the tyen shiao duh [name of all that’s sacred] is goin’ on here? Or do I need to be takin’ this up personally with the captain himself?”

The mention of Mal had Simon’s shoulders straightening, his posture changing from a man beaten to a man who would do the beating. “I said it’s nothing. Everything is fine, Zoe. Nothing more than a heated argument and now it’s fine.”

His body language said more. Zoe could see him practically vibrating with the tension and the fear of being questioned, of being found out. She crossed her arms below her breasts and gave a nod to him. “Alright, Doc. I think it would be for the best if you headed on out of here then. A shower might help you relax too. You’re upset and you need to relax. I won’t ask any more questions of you.”

The younger man visibly relaxed at those words. This tough guy routine that she had never really seen before was suddenly Simon again. The whole idea of it shook her to the very core. They all wore masks but for Simon to have had to create one was downright unsettling. After all they’d been through as crew, Zoe knew the boy wasn’t naïve. To know now that he was truly becoming one of them in every way made her want to scream.

“Go on, Doc. Get yourself together and get back to your bunk. River’ll be off duty soon for a little bit of rest. I told her she was to sleep down in her bunk tonight. Jayne gets a might tetchy when he’s got watch and she’s sleepin’ in the co-pilot chair.”

Simon didn’t say a word, just turned and left, shoulders slumped in defeat. Zoe had a sneaking suspicion that it wasn’t from her words, but from whatever it was that had passed between him and the captain.

She stood there for some time, making sure that Simon didn’t wander back. Nothing good would come of it if he did. She’d drag him back to his bunk if need be. Right now she wanted a few moments to collect her own thoughts before heading below to pay a visit with the captain. It surely wouldn’t be a pleasant one but it was necessary. The boy had smelled of sexin’. That she didn’t have a problem with. She’d had many a look sent her way when she’d married Wash. They were an unlikely pair. Out here in the black, it didn’t matter much. You held on to whatever came your way and you clung to it. Point of fact, she’d have been happier if all of this had went down in different circumstances. Mal had always been a loner, no matter how many men or women he commanded during the war. He was still a loner on a ship full of crew. He needed someone and so did the doc. But not like this, not with tensions so high and hurtful words that came to blows.

She brought her hand up to Mal’s bunk door, a sure indicator that things were very much wrong since it was shut. She knocked and waited for him to call up.

Instead of hearing his call, she heard the quick footsteps on the ladder and the door was rapidly flung open. “Bun- tyen-shung duh ee-dway-ro [Stupid inbred stack of meat] I thought I told ya to stay the hell away from me! Ya want more…” Mal was in the middle of his rant when he saw exactly who was standing at his door. “Zoe… thought you was someone else.”

Zoe regarded her Captain with a critical eye. Taking in Mal’s rumpled appearance, but lack of marks from fighting, she was starting to draw some nasty conclusions. “Ya mean the boy that came outta here and smelt like he’d been sexed up for a week?”

Mal’s breath hitched and escaped in a low hiss. “ Kao! [Fuck!] This ain’t none of your business, Zoe.” Realizing quickly who he was talking to, took a deep breath. He didn’t use that tone with his second in command and scrubbed the back of his neck. “It’s handled.”

“Now I figure we can go down and have a drink, Sir. We got some private talkin’ ta do that has no place in the corridors.”

Mal’s looked at her belly. “You can’t drink.”

“You’ll have a drink to calm ya down.” Her voice was deceivingly peaceful and she waited to hear the inevitable sigh from Mal. She followed him down to his quarters after she closed the door. Once her feet hit the floor, she turned around to see Mal watching her. She knew that look. “Ai ya [Damn], Captain. I’m not gonna break by climbin’ down some ladder.”

Mal made a humphing noise and turned away from Zoe. He reached into his bedside table and pulled out a bottle filled with amber liquid. “Gonna need that drink.” He took a deep swig from the bottle, embracing the sweet burn as it slid down his throat. It was a damn good way to erase Simon’s taste from his mouth.

“So, did ya wake up this mornin’, roll over ‘n’ go… hey, today I feel like fuckin’ my doctor.” Mal glared at her and took another swig from the bottle. She pretty much knew this was going to be a one sided conversation. “See, I’m just tryin’ ta figure out when you lost your tian sha [goddamn] mind. Because I figure it’s the only way you’d hit one of your own.”

“I’ve hit him before…” Even he realized how bad that sounded. He’d rather explain something with his gun most days than with pretty language. His explanations just never seemed to come out right. “It’s what men do.”

“Men hit the men under their command?” It was the kind of quiet attack that she preferred over yelling. Verbal attack was more precise and the kill far more clean.

Mal pointed the bottle at her and shook it to emphasis his point. “You’re twisting my words around. You don’t know…”

Zoe locked eyes with her Captain and oldest friend. Seeing how tense and uncomfortable he was, she just knew he was holding whole mess of guilt. “I know ya hit him. And I saw the bruises on that boy’s neck. Seein’ as ya don’t have matching love bites ‘n’ marks, I’m guessin’ he didn’t fight back. So, that just makes it worse being that he’s sweet on you.”

It wasn’t that long ago that the man in question had been in his bunk. He flopped down on the bed and ran his hand over the sheet, a tiny voice in his brain telling him he hadn’t even offered Simon that small comfort. The panic he felt when Simon wouldn’t wake up right away was still fresh. Raw, tearing into his mind, and near making it bleed with grief. And there was Zoe, starring at him with those brown eyes… eyes not the exact shade of Simon’s that had also starred at him with accusations. “I don’t have to…”

“Explain yourself? Guess ya think you don’t. But what I need is some reassurance that you’re not gonna do it again. Because we’ve lost too many dear to us to push those left off the deep end.” Her hand went to her belly and in a moment of selfishness, she knew she needed to keep Simon whole for her babies. “We need him, Mal. Don’t want ta see another mark on that pretty white skin. Don’t wanna see him lookin’ like his heart was ripped out ‘n’ thrown out the airlock. No more messin’ with him, dong ma?”

Sink or swim, he remembered his Mama telling him. Now Mal felt like he was drowning with a heavy weight dragging him into the deep, dark depths. “My ship…”

“Not gonna let ya tarnish Serenity with that excuse. I expect more of my Captain.”

Mal knew that Zoe wasn’t just talking about their ship. He was supposed to protect his crew, but he’d failed to protect Simon from himself. Giving into weakness, he’d let the boy seduce him. “Still my ship.”

“Captain…”

Mal waved a hand in truce. “Zoe, stop. I get the point of this conversation. Things got outta hand.” Mal ran his fingers through his hair. “Trust me, ain’t gonna happen again. That I can tell ya right now.” Watching her closely, Mal found the disbelief in her eyes. “What!? My word ain’t good enough? What do you want from me, Zoe, blood?”

Zoe walked forward and leaned down into Mal’s personal space, something she learned not to do a long time ago. She threw that caution to the wind, forcing him to lean back into the mattress as she placed arms on either side of his thighs. “Reckon it’d be appropriate, sir, seein’ as how he had blood on his hands when he left. Like I said, you seem to be all in one fine and dandy piece.”

Mal’s voice turned to a low growl. “Don’t like this side of you, Zo.”

She did something totally unexpected. She smiled and leaned in and pressed a kiss to Mal’s forehead. “Better get use to it, Captain. I’m in a motherly-way now. I don’t mean to threaten, I don’t mean to do that at all, but this thing with the two of ya, it’s unsettlin’.” She looked Mal square in the eye. “You of all people know that a strong word can be just as hurtful as a strong hand. I’ll take ya at your word, sir. I have no reason not to do that. I’ve never asked something from you but I am now. Take care with the doc, I got a feelin’ things are gonna get a whole lot worse ‘fore they get better.”

Zoe pulled back, standing up to her full height to give her words more affect. She didn’t like having to do it the slightest little bit, but she needed Mal to understand. Something had been off kilter with the Doc ever since Miranda and she wanted to know what. “He looks up to you, Captain. Nothing worse than the person you put on a pedestal punchin’ ya into the ground.”

Mal could only nod his head, but that was good enough for Zoe. She turned to go, making her way over to the ladder. She hadn’t been tired before, but she was thoroughly exhausted now.

“Zoe, ‘fore you go, can I ask you somethin’?”

She stopped, hand on the ladder and looked at him. “Sure thing, Captain.”

Mal leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “You coulda decked me just then and ya didn’t. In fact, ya kissed me on my forehead like I was nothin’ more than a young’un. Why?”

Zoe thought about it for a second, then smiled softly at him. “Sometimes my mother would do the same thing to me after I’d been a little on the unruly side. She always told me that a simple show of trust and compassion could work better than any heavy-handed punishment that was dealt out.” With that, Zoe climbed up the ladder, hoping against hope that Mal would take those words to heart. If not, things indeed were gonna get a lot worse and no one would walk out of the fallout unscathed this time.

* * *

River had barely slept at all in her own bunk the night before. Her mind had been occupied by the sounds of Simon’s not-so-quiet sobbing. The pain had been hot and bright in her mind, twisting around in her stomach like a pit of snakes, venomous and slippery sleek. Even breaths and no movements had fooled her brother, allowing him to spill out the anger and hurt he was feeling. She’d reached out with her mind only, trying hard to will the suffering to come to her. She could touch it but she couldn’t reel it in. Lying there after he had fallen into a restless sleep, River had closed her eyes and tried hard to find Mal’s thread, but it was so black and angry she has shied away from it.

Now she was restlessly walking the ship, trying to keep her own agitation at bay. Ripples stretching out across the black sea of space and making her bounce in the current, seasick…spacesick…no difference to her. She wanted to fly and feel Serenity’s calming thrum beneath her fingertips, but the Captain had been in the pilot chair when she’d gotten there. Recipe for unpleasantness for sure. She had laid a hand on the back of his chair, startling him out of his thoughts and he’d cursed at her…bad words unchecked streaming out of his mouth. He’d apologized and told her to come back in a few hours time.

“Your ship.” She had said that to him in a flat tone and walked out, catching the memory in his mind of what had happened between him and her brother. She had thrown the thread away, not wanting to get caught up in the emotional turmoil that would drag her down, down, down, into the dark. She knew if she touched it, she would fly away into her own head and Simon would come bearing the gift of needles and sleepy sedatives. Serenity was what she needed, so she headed for the cargo bay to sit on the steel grating and reconnect with her.

River hummed quietly to herself, just feeling the vibrations of Serenity creeping up from her toes. Engine was turning, grav thrust was functional, life support flowing. Her gaze drifted over the cargo hold, taking in the large crate that was Diane’s cargo. She stood and walked over to it, tiptoeing and light. The wood was rough on her fingertips and she squinted at the fine grain of it. Fingers brushing along the nails, she leaned her head against the wood. River stayed there for only a few moments. Her eyes widened at the vision in her mind. She jerked her head back and her normally graceful step faltered, bringing her down hard on her backside.

“Someone’s got a secret.” She sing-songed.

“What are you doing down there?”

River sighed and turned to look up at their newest passenger. Diane was watching her with a rather intent look on her face and that caused River to smile. “Being secretive. Hiding.”

Diane’s lithe form started down the stairs and towards her. “Thought you were the pilot? Who’s flying the ship if you’re down here hiding?”

River laughed and stood up in one smooth movement. “Captain’s there, but I’m not hiding. I’m in plain sight aren’t I?” She glided past Diane, feeling the woman’s uncertainty and slight fear. “But then, hiding in plain sight is usually the best way to not be found out, isn’t it, Diane? Pretty doll surrounded by unseemly sorts and encased in metal, no one would think she was here, would they?”

Diane shook her head and stared blankly at River. “I know who you are, River. Your face has been all over the Cortex since your brother took you from the Academy. You don’t have to hide anymore though. Serenity doesn’t have to be a prison for you any longer.”

Frowning, River backed away from Diane. “Not a prison for me. This is freedom. This is home.”

She had been warned about the girl, but there was nothing that could prepare her for the real thing. Her insides rumbled and there was a flash of pain. Diane chalked it up to nervousness. “There are other places that could feel like home. Places you could really make a difference. You could help stop the people responsible for Miranda.”

“Miranda is Latin for extraordinary… miraculous. It was meant to be shiny, sparkly new.” Her hand waved in the air and her fingers wiggled like a bad magician. She touched the fading thread with her mind and knew it had been scalded by the sun. “Slowly dying. No way to go. Did ya know that they’re picking up the bodies at Miranda? Going to resettle it with people too desperate to care.”

There was that flip in Diane’s stomach again. It was the image of those dead bodies and the Reavers tearing apart that scientist. They had all watched it. “You… your brother… you could use your skills to stop them.”

River whirled around, her hair whipping around like a curtain of snakes. “You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. You’ve got no honey. But I always found it was easier to catch flies with my hand.” She made a buzzing sound and her eyes darted around, following a pretend fly. Her hand reached quickly in the air and snatched the pretend fly, but not crushing it. “They always try and get away. Come into my web said the spider to the fly… The spider has an awfully big shadow.”

Diane took a step back and she watched River open her hands, letting the imaginary fly escape. “I think I’ll talk with you another time, Miss Tam.”

River’s eyes darted, following the fly with her eyes. She smiled sadly to herself. “Time is too short. Some of us are flies that hide from the spiders. Some of us are lunch.”

* * *

All she could see was the pipe just above her nose. Her fingers danced around the wires out of her sight, but still fixing them just fine because she could see the layout in her mind. Squeezed in tight into place no man could fit, all you could see was her bare feet sticking out from one of the vents. She felt a light tickle on the bottom of her left foot and her head smashed up into the pipe. It ached and she would have rubbed her skull if she could have reached.

“Ai ya! [Damn!] Better not be no damn rat!” she bellowed

“Shuh muh [I’m sorry],” Jayne’s voice mumbled back to her. “Not no rat.”

It takes her a few moments to shimmy around and crawl out of the vent. She looked up from the floor to see Jayne towering over her. “What do ya want, Jayne?” She rubs the back of her head now, checking to make sure there wasn’t any blood. Sure enough, no blood. It’s always the superficial wounds that sting the most.

“Shuh muh [I’m sorry],” he repeats. Jayne reaches down, thinking it would be the proper thing to help Kaylee up. What he ends up doing is grabbing her by the arm of her overalls and hauling her to her feet. “See, you’re fine. Right?”

Kaylee stumbles a bit, but quickly finds her feet. “I guess so. Ya didn’t tell me what ya wanted.”

Jayne seems a little uncomfortable and looks down at his scuffed boots. “Don’t want nothin’.”

Damn it if the man wasn’t as thick as a board sometimes. “Then why are ya here, Jayne?”

For his part, he thought she was a frustrating little scrap of a woman, covered in grease and smelling like a man. Everyone had been acting strange and twitchy on board. He was nice enough to come see her, make sure she was okay, and here she was not all grateful, but instead challenging him. “I’m just here.”

“Riiight,” Kaylee sighed. “Well, since you’re here, ya might as well do somethin’ useful.” She handed Jayne a wrench and pointed a bolt to high for her to reach with out getting something to stand on. It was nothing important, but it was giving Jayne something to do and maybe stroking his ego a bit to think he could help her. “Tighten that bolt.”

Jayne made a grumbling noise at being put to work, but he reached up and did what he was told. “Ya know. Iffin’ ya ever need help, I’m…”

“Tall?” Kaylee cut him off with a giggle. “I know. Useful in this case. With your long monkey arms.”

Jayne stopped for a moment and blinked at her. Did she just? “Monkey arms?”

Kaylee rolled her eyes and tried hard not to laugh at him again. “Just tighten the other one next to it, Jayne.”

Lowering herself back down to the floor, Kaylee started to work her way back into the vent. Grinning to herself she started humming a bit as her hands found their way deftly through Serenity’s innards once again. She hadn’t been down there for more than a few seconds when a firm grip settled onto her ankle. “Jayne, what’re ya doin?”

“Usin’ my monkey arms to drag you out. Done gone and hurt my noble sensibilities, girl. Now you’re gonna pay for it.”

Giving a perfunctory kick with her leg, Kaylee tried to dislodge Jayne’s grip from her ankle. Suddenly the other hand took a good hold on the opposite angle and started to pull. Gasping at the strong tug, Kaylee let her hands loose of the wires and slid her hands over to take hold of a steel pipe, she recognized it as the part of the air ventilation system, and grabbed hold.

“Jayne! Leggo of my ruttin’ ankles! You’re gonna make me break somethin’ down here!” One hand loosened and Kaylee gave a sigh of relief only to find that breath sucked hastily back in as Jayne’s fingers began to trace and tickle along the sole of her foot. “No! Oh, Jayne, no!”

“Oh, yes. Def’nitely yes. Get your wiggly gorram [damn] ass outta that vent! I’m gonna give you a right proper payback for that monkey arm remark. Let go, Kaylee! Mal’ll be mighty pissed if ya break somethin’ in there!” Fingers were tickling further up, going right underneath her baggy overalls and making her skin prickle.

Kaylee’s grip slipped and she found herself grabbing for the lip of the vent to keep herself from falling completely at Jayne’s mercy. “Jayne! I’m gonna tell the cap’n it was your fault!” Tears were beginning to roll down her cheeks from laughing to hard. She kicked back hard with one foot and connected. The hands were gone from her and all she could hear was Jayne groaning. Pressing her palms into the cold metal of Serenity’s floors, Kaylee slid back and turned around on her bottom to find Jayne collapsed and curled in on himself.

“Gorram [Damn] it, Kaylee!” The yell was a half-gasp. That’s when she noticed his hands were protectively laced over his crotch. “What’d ya have to go and do that for?”

Kaylee’s mouth fell open and she quickly scrambled over to Jayne’s prostrate form. “Oh, Jayne! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean ta…does it hurt? Should I call for Si…”

Kaylee saw it too late as Jayne’s fake grimace changed over into a feral grin. Her wrists were trapped so quickly that she didn’t even get a chance to pull away.

“Gotcha!”

Jayne pulled hard and she watched as the logo on his shirt came into a quick close up before her back hit the deck. She could see the ceiling and then all she could see was Jayne grinning unabashedly down at her. She tried to wiggle away, but she couldn’t move. She was effectively pinned down, one large hand holding both of her small wrists way above her head. The other hand was sliding beneath the side of her coveralls and along the skin of her belly. She shivered and laughed as his fingers pressed down along her belly button.

“Oh no!” She felt the giggles spilling out of her, just gushing forward, loud and long. “Please, Jayne! No more! I’m sorry. I give up!”

Jayne laughed along with her. “Ya hurt my feelins, little Kaylee. I ain’t no monkey, not an ape either no matter what the Doc’s said in the past.”

Kaylee felt the laughter die in her throat and she really looked up into Jayne’s face. There was no hurt there, just a statement that had slipped out. His eyes were sparkling with a happiness Kaylee thought was only ever reserved for when he got paid from a job.

“Not a monkey or an ape, Jayne. I didn’t really hurt your feelins did I? I didn’t mean to.”

Jayne’s smile softened a bit, not that wide grin of hilarity that had been there just moments ago. “No, darlin’, ya didn’t. I was only joshin’ with ya s’all.” He let go of her wrists and pulled himself up into a crouch, offering her his hand. “C’mon, ‘fore we both get into trouble with Mal.”

Reaching out to take his hand, Kaylee let him help hoist her up. He pulled a little too hard and she gave a small moan as her breasts pressed up the expanse of his well-muscled chest. Her hands immediately grabbed at his shoulders, her body moulded to his in all the right ways…and all the wrong ways that felt right.

The usual thrum of Serenity disappeared; the smell of the engine grease covering her was non-existant. Her senses were totally focused on the man before her. She forced herself to look up into her eyes and what she saw there frightened her and aroused her. Jayne was looking directly at her, his eyes had gone half closed and she could hear his breaths deepen. Her belly dropped as she found her hands sliding up along his neck moving into the thick, short hair at the base of his skull. Jayne’s head bent down slowly even as she found herself going up on her tiptoes. Their breaths mingling as the space closed between them.

“Kaylee! The gorram [damn] screen display’s on the fritz again!” Mal’s voice boomed like God from the comm system.

The way Jayne jerked away from Kaylee would have been comical if she hadn’t been about to get thoroughly and wonderfully kissed. If there was one flaw of the Captain’s that weighed on her nerves it was his gracious sense of timing.

She moved toward the comm and pressed the button, cursing a blue streak the whole way over. “I’m on my way, Cap’n.”

The moment had been right there! Just two more seconds and the captain could have asked her to go out on the hull of the ship in naught but her skin and Kaylee would have gladly complied with that request. Jayne was nervously shifting from one foot to the other. She didn’t even know what to say to him but what did come out of her mouth even surprised her.

“You’ll be in your bunk?”

Jayne’s eyes widened in shock for a fraction of a second, and then it was nothing more than an eat-you-alive grin. “Yep.” With that, he was walking past her and out the door, but not before taking a good second to run a hand along her arm as he made his way out.

Kaylee sighed and went to over to the open vent to retrieve her toolbox. “Great. Just wonderful. Looks like another night of battery-induced orgasms.”


	8. Chapter 8

* * *

The infirmary door was locked, the shades drawn to keep prying eyes from peering inside at him. The stinging sensation was slowly beginning to recede now that he’d put some gel around the abused area of penetration. Simon gave a small hiss and pulled his pants back up one-handed, wiping away the excess onto a cloth that sat on the exam table. His thoughts were very clear this morning on the subject of what had happened…deny and avoid. The only thing about that particular plan was that the denial disappeared every time he moved. The memory of the thorough working-over he’d gotten from Mal last night was evident in just about every muscle in his body. Then there was the bruising, deep purple finger marks on his hips as well as the slightly discoloured skin on his cheek from the slap.

Simon had been intent on his task, especially since his normal morning routine had been so completely thrown off course. He was usually a very early riser, but this morning he’d slept through breakfast. The only reason he’d eaten anything at all had been because of River, who’d stopped by their room to give him a bowl of protein mush and a cup of hot tea. She’d been strangely quiet with him, usually chatting his ear off first thing in the morning. Simon was positive she knew what had happened. He respected the fact that she didn’t say anything about it to him.

Simon gave a sigh and started going through the drawers, checking to make sure that all the supplies were in order. He had to get Mal to take the meds for his wound that he’d picked up on his way back to Serenity after the whole fiasco at the Pretty Whore. Jayne had been all kinds of push about getting back, but Simon didn’t want to let the whole drama deter him from picking up the meds that got him into the mess to begin with.

The drawer had been rifled through.

He was sure of it.

Morphine bottles, he’d had 10 small vials and now there were only six. He opened the small container behind the bottles to find that one of his syringes was missing. Who? Who would want to shoot up that amount of morphine? It was a death sentence.

Slamming the drawer shut, Simon turned and ran as fast as he could towards the kitchen, ignoring every screaming nerve in his body. He didn’t make it far before he found himself suddenly changing direction and heading towards the passenger cabins. None of the crew would do this, but what about their one and only passenger who’s arrival here was nothing if not mysterious. They knew nothing about Diane or why Badger was so insistent as to her being a sort of bodyguard for the cargo transfer.

Before he knew it, Simon was standing at her door and the growing feeling of dread crawled in his belly like snakes. He knew before he even opened the door what he would find. Diane would be lying on the bed, one arm flung wide with the something tied tightly around her upper arm to help raise the vein for the injection. Bottles would be littered across the bed. The needle would be dangling in her hand.

Simon threw the door open and the smell that greeted him sent of more warning bells than missing vials and syringes ever could. It was the stench of near death, reminding him of the rotting bodies on Haven. He found Diane exactly how he pictured her in his head. Blood had leaked from her mouth, nose and even from the corners of her eyes. The other smell could only mean she had lost control over her bodily functions. Checking her pulse quickly, it took him a few moments to find the faint beat.

“Help! I need some help in here!” Simon bellowed. He had to get her to the infirmary now. His first thought turned not to saving Diane’s life, but of finding out what she had and making sure he could protect the rest of the crew from whatever it was.

Jayne was the first to respond, but stopped in the doorway when he saw the mess in the bed. “What the ruttin’ hell?”

“Help me with her!” Simon demanded, trying to lift up her arms.

Jayne shook his head and took a step back. “I ain’t catchin’ what she’s got!”

“If what she has is contagious, it’s probably airborne and the quicker I figure out if it’s contagious, then the quicker I can cure your sorry ass! Now get her legs!” The tone in his voice was just as tough as Mal’s had been in battle. There was none of the self doubt now that Simon had been wallowing in since his encounter.

Jayne moved to obey and grabbed her legs. They hauled her out of the passenger’s quarters and towards the infirmary. Mal met them in the corridor and looked over at Diane’s prone form. “She dead?”

“Close to it,” Simon answered. “She tried to commit suicide.”

Those were no gunshot wounds. “With what?”

Hauling her into the infirmary, Simon was trying to catalogue the symptoms and running over every illness that could be responsible. “Drugs,” Simon grunted as they set her down on the bed. “But it didn’t cause the bleeding.” He lifted up her shirt and started to massage her abdomen with his fingers. His face scrunched up with what he felt. “Her internal organs are… abnormal.”

“What kinda drugs?” Mal demanded.

“Morphine overdose. I need you to go back to her quarters and search for anything else. Any small vials. Any strange food. Anything suspicious looking.” When Mal didn’t move and looked like he was going to ask another question, Simon snapped at him, “Go! You’re useless standing here. Let me work. Go look for anything that could have caused this.”

Mal didn’t budge. “We need to quarantine her?”

Simon snapped on a pair of latex gloves. “Get out and close the door behind you. Make sure Jayne showers and gets all the blood off him. Put his clothes out the airlock. Get Kaylee to shut down and isolate the air to the infirmary. It might not stop whatever this is, but it might slow it down if it’s contagious.”

Still Mal wasn’t moving, but he shoved Jayne towards the door of the infirmary. If he did what Simon wanted, that would shut the boy up with whatever sickness their passenger had. “What about you?”

Simon looked back over his shoulder at Mal. His white shirt was already covered in blood, even streaked across his face. “I’m a doctor. Get out of here.”

Mal backed out of the room, keeping his eyes on Simon as he worked. He slid the door shut without another word, knowing that he could be sentencing Simon to death. Turning to Jayne, he said, “Ya heard him. Shower ‘n’ destroy your clothes.”

Jayne’s face was ashen and he had already pulled off his shirt. “I don’t wanna go like that, Mal. Bleeding like some gutted pig. She musta been in a hell a lot of pain to dope up.”

“Probably unbelievable pain.” It was only momentary, but his mind flashed to Simon’s form, bloody and eyes vacant. “Get outta here. I gotta make sure the air is shut down to the infirmary.”

He turned his back on the infirmary and felt sick that this was out of his control. Whatever this thing was could rob Simon of his life, causing him a gorram [damn] painful death. A voice nagged at him… *Could be the last time you see Simon Tam alive.*

The one thing that Mal couldn’t stand other than complications was unfinished business. He’d been avoiding Simon all day about the scene in his bunk last night. Not really wanting to confront the younger man but knowing he had to anyway. Now, watching from the window as Simon went about his work, Mal wondered if he’d ever get the chance to make amends with Simon at all. Forcing the sinking feeling in his gut to the back of his mind, he turned and headed for Diane’s quarters at a quick run.

He barely missed smacking his head against the top of the door as he made his way into the room. There was so much blood on the sheets and the smell of decay was thick in the air. Mal had to close his eyes against it, all the while fighting away images of Serenity Valley and his men strewed out like broken toys left behind by some giant child. He started with the bed, stripping the sheets systematically from the mattress, careful to shake them out in case anything of use was caught up inside. One by one, he tore the pillow cases off and tossed them into the pile of growing blood-soaked bed linens. The blood had soaked down into the mattress and Mal flipped it off the frame and onto the floor. It would all go out the airlock. No sense in risking anything.

“Captain!”

“Oh ruttin’ hell. Zoe! Zoe, don’t you come no farther! We got a situation on our hands with the passenger!” He stumbled over the mattress and bedding and poked his head out into the corridor. “She’s in the infirmary with Simon, dying right on our gorram [damn] medical bed. Don’t know if it’s contagious or not so you just take yourself right on up and off of this level. Go down into the cargo bay, anywhere but near these two places right now.”

Zoe’s eyes widened in shock and Mal watched as her hand came to rest on her stomach. “Oh, ta ma duh! [fuck me blind] I’ll get the rest of crew down there.”

Mal ducked back into the room and went over to the small side table that was bolted into the wall. There was single glass of water, almost empty. A small book lay askew with a vid card hanging out of it. Mal snatched it up and immediately started playing it when he saw Diane’s pain-stricken features displayed in freeze.

“Captain and crew of Serenity, I’m sorry for it all to go down this way. I really am….”

Mal played a little more of the message, just enough to glean what information he was so desperately looking for, then ran for the infirmary. Every step seemed to take forever as he ran and he just hoped like hell that Simon already knew what was going on. His mind raced at what the woman had said. Biological gas. Mal had seen all kinds of horror on the battlefield but nothing in any way, shape, or form like this.

Looking in through the window and smacking the comm unit, Mal panted into it. “Simon! She’s been gassed. I found a vidcard in her room.”

Simon stepped away from Diane’s body, which was now covered in electrodes that ran to several monitors as well as an IV unit. Simon pressed the button and his voice carried to Mal as if he were in some kind of tin can. “It’s Veractin A-2. I know. I wasn’t sure until I really took a look at the lesions on her skin. The gas starts working on the internal organs first, basically eating their way in, then the blood throwing through them picks it up and carries it to the skin. It manifests in the warmest parts of the body. I found the worst lesions under her arms, even on the soles of her feet.”

Mal slammed his hand against the glass. “BEE-jway! [shut up] Contagious, Simon, that’s what I need to know. Other than that can it spread!?”

Simon shook his head. “No. Not contagious. It can’t spread person to person at all.”

Mal gave a sigh of relief and leaned his head against the glass. He looked back up at Simon, who was right there on the other side, his eyes staring right into his. Separated by nothing else but gorram [damn] glass, Mal knew he was showing too much. He would have given anything right then and there to just yell and scream and maybe even snatch the doctor up for a good kiss. He had to stick to his guns. The mask slammed back down into place and the Captain was back, steady and in control.

“She alive?”

Simon nodded his head. “She’s actually starting to come around, but she’s in severe pain, Mal. The amount of morphine in her system should have killed her. It’s a miracle she was alive at all when I found her.”

Mal looked over Simon’s shoulder to the woman on the table. “Don’t think she’ll be callin’ it a miracle, Doc. I’ll be in the cargo bay if ya need me. Got to let the rest of the crew know we’re in the green again. Jayne’s probably wonderin’ if I’m gonna have to shove him out the airlock from helpin’ you carry that woman.”

“I’ll see if I can get her to talk to me. Find out what happened.” Simon turned to look at Diane, who was slowly coming around, her moans getting a little louder and more painful.

Mal pressed the vidcard up against the glass. “Got what we need right here. Haven’t watched it all yet but see what you can get out of her anyway. Might’ve left somethin’ out and I don’t want to have to deal with another screw up from misinformation.”

Back in any hospital in the Cortex, any decent doctor would be giving Diane a heavy dose of pain medication. She was facing incredible pain and it would be an act of mercy. But this wasn’t a clean Alliance hospital and out in the black, sometimes there was no room for mercy. Even though her moans meant she was slipping back into consciousness, Simon knew she wouldn’t be cognisant. He pulled out a small vial of green liquid and filled a syringe.

Looking back at Mal, he promised, “I’ll get the information you need.”

The drug he injected into Diane’s system would do nothing to curb the pain. In fact, it was vicious in its efficiency. It would clear her mind, sharpening her responses, but also hone the pain. It was a cruelty that he would have to face later, because now Mal needed information from this dying woman.

Leaning over he whispered in Diane’s ear. “Diane, I need you to listen to me. The pain will be over soon if you answer my questions.”

In answer, Diane let out a deep, pitiful moan. “Make it stop… Make it stop!”

Simon grabbed her chin and pulled her face towards him. His fingers smeared the blood on her pale skin. “Focus, Diane. I’ll end your pain once I have what I need. Tell me why you’re here.”

Her eyes were unfocused, bloodshot and filled with tears. “M-Mission.”

“For who? Who sent you?” Immediately he thought if she was an Alliance operative, she deserved all of this torture.

“Miranda… Miranda…” She chanted and choked on the blood in her mouth.

Simon turned her over, letting her breathed somewhat more breathing, but still her wheezing filled the room. He crouched down beside the bed so that they were face to face. “What about Miranda?”

“Miranda sent me. All the dead… my brother was a settler. Lost. The Alliance showed no mercy. Only a big experiment.” Diane reached out with a shaky hand and touched Simon’s cheek. “An experiment like the Tams.”

“Who sent you?” Simon demanded again. He didn’t care about her motivations. Only the answers they needed to protect their own was important now. “I will make the pain worse if you don’t tell me.”

“No more pain…” Diane whimpered. Her irises were starting to dilate and no doubt she was in the last throws of death, but with his medical training and drugs, Simon could make it last for hours. “I… I belong to a resistance cell. I’m escorting a package… picked it up in Persephone.”

Simon saw her pain, but knew he had to be ruthless. “What’s in the package?”

“The answer…” She laughed sickly and blood bubbled from her nose. “Not for me, but for you… for everyone. Maybe… maybe not the end. If handled right. Your responsibility, Doctor Tam. Your sister and now this…”

“Don’t put me this on me,” Simon hissed and stood up. He looked down at Diane and she was smiling. It was at the point where the pain had broken her, snapped her fragile mind.

“Your responsibility. On your shoulders now, Doctor Tam. Not going to tell you what’s in the box… it’s a present. A nice present… taken from the Alliance and given to you.”

Even if he gave her more of the drug now, it would have no effect. “I need more, Diane. Give me more information.”

Diane moaned and she clutched at her abdomen. “My insides are burning!”

He grabbed her hand and squeezed her fingers. If he didn’t get more information, he would be letting Mal and the entire crew down. “I can make it worse. Just tell me what’s in the package and it will all end.”

“In the crate. Look in the crate. Burning… Burning! I can feel the sun… its blue!”

From there Diane started to rave complete nonsense. Simon knew he had lost his window and it was too late now. Turning away from her pleas and enraged screams, he took out another vial. It wouldn’t be instantaneous, but it would do the job and save the more expensive, hard to find painkillers for the living.

He was forced to grasp her arm forcefully as he injected her. Kneeling down next to her, he held her hand and with his other caressed her cheek. “I’m sorry.”

Diane simply whimpered, her head lolling from side to side before she visibly stilled on the bed. She wouldn’t last long now. The rate things were going, it would take at least an hour before she passed on her own. Simon was already starting to feel the guilt well up inside of him for treating her the way he did, but desperate times were calling for desperate measures. He couldn’t let himself play by the rules anymore when so much in the last year had changed. He pulled away from her and started to clean up, washing his hands with a single-mindedness that he knew was becoming obsessive compulsive.

“Simon!”

The sound of Mal’s voice over the comm unit made him jump. He rushed over and hit the switch. “What’s going on?”

“Get down here, NOW!”

* * *

“It’s not probable!”

Mal shook his head and tried to grab at River’s arm again. “Girl, you need to stop this! I’ve already gone and called your brother down here. Ain’t no reason to go messin’ up the cargo!”

“Too many anomalies…too many coincidences!” River pulled at another board with the crowbar, causing it to crash quite loudly to the deck of the cargo bay. “Blue…everywhere you look in every shade imaginable…royal, sky, sapphire, azure. Call it anything but it’s still the same…it’s still blue!”

“C’mon, River. It’s okay! Badger said it was nothin’ but jewels in there. Pretty shiny jewels ain’t gonna hurt nobody.” Kaylee moved forward, flanking the other side of her.

“River! What are you doing, mei-mei?”

Mal turned and watched as Simon nearly catapulted down the stairwell to reach his sister. He stared in shock at the amount of blood covering the doctor’s once white shirt. The smears of blood on his face had dried to an almost brownish colour now.

“Just like Christmas, Simon. But it’s way past sunrise and time to open the box. Reach the doll inside, china doll, so pretty.”

Mal yanked Simon off to the side. “She’s been like this since I got down here. She’s slipped again. You may need to dope her.”

The look that Simon gave Mal made him take a step back. There was a look in the younger man’s eyes that seemed to scream at him. What had he done in the infirmary while they were down here? Mal knew the look and he felt the bile rise in his throat. “Diane? What happened up there with her?”

“I couldn’t get anything out of her but some talk of Miranda. I’ve made her as comfortable as I can.”

A loud crash had both of them turning to look at River, who was standing triumphantly over a metal crate now. There were blinking lights along the side, a very shoddy looking piece of equipment that had been hastily thrown together.

“Gorram [Damn] , Mal…that what I think it is?” Jayne’s voice was barely above a whisper and yet the question seemed to reverberate around the entire cargo bay. “Can’t be. No way in Hell can this be happenin’ again.”

River was standing back now, hands clasped in front of her and staring as if she’d just gotten everything she ever wanted. Her hair was plastered to the side of her sweaty face, her arms were covered in tiny scratches from yanking apart the boards to the original crate. “Time to wake up.”

“Simon, you got any other sisters I should be worryin’ ‘bout right now, cuz this scene is lookin’ all too familiar to me right at the moment.” Mal turned his head just far enough to take in the doctor’s face. The man was in such a state of shock that all he could do was shake his head in negation.

River leaned over and started touching the buttons on the side, pressing them as if she knew exactly what she was doing. With a hiss of released air, the top lock clicked and the panel opened by a quarter inch. Mal walked forward, time seeming to have slowed down to nothing more than a crawl. Same misty smoke, same smell of recycled air that had come from River’s own cryo box when Mal had opened it.

“Merry Christmas, Captain.” River leaned against him absently, staring down into the small opening and grinning.

“Finish the job, Albatross. You knew, so you open it.”

They waited, they all waited. Zoe stood quietly off to the side, not once having said a word, just knowing in the way that most women do that something was about to make itself known. Jayne had taken a half-step up and was right behind Kaylee, who had taken a hold of his hand and was squeezing with all the power she had. Simon’s mouth was still in the perpetual “O” shape of surprise and shock. Inara, whose presence had been pretty much just as quiet as Zoe’s, stood looking down from the upper level.

River’s slender hand was reaching just under the lip of the lid and lifting. More of the mist was leaking out, running along the floor like fog on a spring morning. That was where the similarities ended. This cryo was definitely a slapped together job, the inside lining being nothing more than several blankets thrown in to keep it’s cargo from being jostled too much.

Shaking his head in disbelief, Mal turned away from the cryo unit. Utter shock totally plain on his face, Mal looked at each member of the crew. “This is a joke, right? First box we got was River, then we got Tracey delivered in a coffin. So, is this some big cosmic thing about third time bein’ the charm? Cuz I’m tellin’ ya, this is just gettin’ a tad bit outta ha…” Mal was interrupted by a high pitched scream from the girl in the box. He turned and watched as the girl scrambled upright, dark hair whipping around her face as she took in where she was. Mal looked pointedly back at the crew. “See! I didn’t even flinch! Knew it was gonna happen!”

“She’s nekkid!” Jayne bellowed out.

“They’re always naked,” Mal sighed. He pinched the bridge of his nose as the girl scrambled out of the box shrieking at the top of her lungs.

“Not-So-Dead-Guy-In-A-Box wasn’t nekkid… not at first!” Jayne pointed out. Now he was averting his eyes by looking up at the ceiling. Nothing wrong with appreciating a naked woman, but this was still a girl. And Jayne Cobb wasn’t no pervert. “Someone put some clothes on her.”

“Ruttin’ complications,” Mal grumbled as he slipped off his duster. The girl was crouched next the crate, her gaze dashing around the room. When Mal moved closer with the coat in his outstretched hand, she crawled away. Tucking herself in a small space between two larger crates, she was curled into a ball, with her hand under her armpits. “Gorram [Damn], girl.” He tossed the duster at River. “Make her shut up, River, or I swear…”

The screaming stopped at the threat and the girl’s head snapped up. She cocked it to the side and her eyes narrowed. Simon stepped in front of Mal, drawing the girl’s attention to himself. He held his hands up, showing that he was no threat. “Hello… my name’s Simon. My sister…” He nodded his head towards her and smiled, hoping the blood on his face wouldn’t scare her. “River. Can she give you something to keep you warm?”

The girl stared at Simon intently, seeming to size him up. She looked from Simon, back over to Mal, then frowned. But then she looked at River and nodded.

“Smells like Mal,” River supplied helpfully and sniffed it before she handed it to the girl.

The girl put the coat on and it draped over her tiny body, swallowed by the brown material. Her hands were covered completely by the long sleeves and she flapped them like wings.

“Kwong-juh duh [Crazy],” Jayne announced and rolled his eyes. “Just what we need.”

Kaylee turned around and smacked Jayne squarely on the chest. “That’s no way to talk in front of the girl. She understands you!”

Jayne stepped back. “Does she?”

Now Zoe got in on the action. “Don’t talk about that girl like she’s an animal!”

While the other women of the crew were starting to turn on Jayne, Inara had made her way down from the second level. Gliding off the last step, she added her own thoughts on the subject. “Who do you think you are talking about a child like that? You thick, senseless man…”

“Shuh muh? [I'm sorry?]” Jayne offered in a small voice. “Kaylee?”

Kaylee poked Jayne in his chest with her pointer finger and backed him back against a large crate. “Don’t ya look at me for help on this one, Jayne Cobb. I think ya should apologise to… hell, I think ya should ask her name ‘n’ apologise!”

“Nee mun doh bee-jway! [Everybody shut the hell up!]” Mal shouted above the din. “The girl’s all confounded and naked. Simon, she seems to have taken a shine to you. I don’t know how, but this has gotta be your fault. Get her dressed, get her talkin’. And make it quick, dong ma? [undestand?] I want answers.”

Simon was unable to defy any of Mal’s orders. Diane had said the girl was his responsibility and now Mal was confirming it. Somehow, in the big scheme of things, this was his fault. Diane probably wasn’t even dead yet, but maybe if she saw the girl she would say something useful. It crossed his mind that it might not be kind to subject the girl to the bloodied, dying mess, but Mal wanted it done so he had to do it. “Yes, Captain.”

He held out his hand to the girl and hoped he wouldn’t have to make her come against her will. Luckily, she stood up and grasped Simon’s hand through the sleeves of Mal’s coat. He could feel the crew’s eyes on him and wondered if they knew he had committed virtual murder only minutes ago. “River…” He didn’t have to finish his sentence because somehow he just knew she would follow.

He could feel the girl squeeze his hand and looked down at her. Then he realized that he was going the wrong way and followed her when she tugged him in the right direction towards the infirmary. “Thank you, mei-mei.”

They only went a few steps and then the girl was turning around, her gaze steadying on Jayne. He stared back with a look of slight trepidation in his eyes. “What?”

“Qing Li.”

Jayne’s face scrunched up and he shrugged his shoulders. “Yeah, blue dawn, so what?” That flippant response earned him a smack to the back of his head from Kaylee, hard enough that his head rocked forward. He elbowed Kaylee back and then looked over at the girl again.

“My name.”

Jayne just stared for a moment, watching as Simon gave her arm a light tug to get her moving again towards the infirmary. Who in their right mind would wanna go and name a girl Blue Dawn anyways? “This is all jus’ too gorram [damn] much wackiness for my taste. Far as I’m concerned, I don’t wanna be transportin’ no more crates with crazies in ‘em.”

Mal stepped up next to Jayne and watched as Qing Li/Blue Dawn started up the stairs and towards the infirmary. “Well, you ain’t gotta worry none about that, Jayne, seein’ as how you’re just the muscle and I’m the one says what we carry and we don’t. Not like I signed on for the tri-yearly special of human deliveries to begin with.” He gave Jayne a look that just dared the merc to come back with a rebuttal. Jayne was smart enough this time to keep his mouth shut. “This is anything but good news. We got a dyin’ or almost dead woman up there in our infirmary, another special delivery ala box, and the mystery of how the two of them tend to be connected to one another.” He turned to look at Zoe. “Any thoughts?”

Zoe crossed her arms, her gaze resting on the cryo unit. “Think we should ring up Badger and find out exactly what he knows. He was awful insistent for us to take the job and now I’m wondering if he held out some important information that we should’ve been apprised of.”

Nodding his agreement, Mal turned to Kaylee. “I need you to get this mess cleared up for me here. Jayne, I want you to go get the sheets and the mattress out of Diane’s room and put them out the airlock. Ain’t no savin’ them and I particularly don’t like the idea of hangin’ onto them as souvenirs.”

Jayne gave a grunt of recognition to the order. “We still gonna get paid for this?”

Mal closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. “Jayne, I don’t know what’s goin’ on at the moment. I ‘spect someone’s gonna make some kinda payment if I have my way. Girl’s suppose to be goin’ to Athens, which is where we seem to be headed at the moment. Someone’d better have some answers for me when we get there cuz I’m not in a playin’ mood right at this particular time.”

Inara laid a hand on Mal’s arm. “Mal, you need to get in control of yourself right now more than anything. That young girl has no idea what’s going on and she’s about to find out that Diane is dying.”

Mal brushed Inara’s hand away and glared at her. “Don’t you think I know that!? Hell, we don’t even really know if the girl has any idea who Diane is! I’ve got plenty of troubles layin’ on my plate right now as it is and now I got a feelin’ there’s a whole new helpin’ being piled up right alongside the rest.”

“And bickering with me is going to make that better how?” Inara rolled her eyes and threw her hands up in exasperation.

Mal watched her leave and wanted nothing more than to pound his fist into the wall. The rest of the crew was silent, waiting out Mal’s anger that had become something of a routine. They knew he’d start barking orders as soon as his mind came back from orbit. “Jayne, Kaylee, get to the clean-up. Zoe, see if you can’t track down on the Cortex anything about the people we’re supposed to be meeting up with on Athens. I think I’m gonna have myself a little chat with the girl and with Diane, if she hasn’t bought it yet.”

The group dispersed and Mal stood there a moment longer, staring in utter contempt at the broken pieces of crate and the horrible excuse for a cryo unit. “Oh Shepherd, what I wouldn’t give for a little bit of your insight right now.” With that, Mal turned and headed up towards the infirmary, each step he took seeming to pull him further down into a feeling of dread that threatened to sweep him up and carry him farther into the black than he’d ever imagined possible.

* * *


	9. Chapter 9

Summary: Sometimes learning to let go is just as hard as holding on.

 

Part 4B

Simon hunched over Diane’s writhing form, trying desperately to determine how much more sedative to give her. The guilt that gnawed away inside of him demanded attention for the pain he’d caused this woman by bringing her back, for threatening her to make it worse if he didn’t get the answers he needed. He tried to push it to the back of his mind in his attempts to make her as comfortable as possible. It wouldn’t be long now for Diane. Her respiration was very shallow and tremors ran consistently through her body. The poison in her system had finally begun attacking the nerves and muscles of her body.

Qing Li stood on the opposite side of the exam table, her arms still tucked away inside of Mal’s duster. Simon would have preferred to have left her outside of the infirmary but she had brushed past him to get inside next to Diane. The woman had awoken almost instantly to see the young girl standing next to her.

“Have to trust them. Last chance is with them, Li.” Gasping, Diane had lifted her unsteady hand to lay it on the covered arm. “Safer here.” A choked cry of anguish had ripped out of her throat and Li had looked away.

Simon was now preparing another shot to dope Diane with when Mal had entered the room. “I need her awake.”

Simple instructions that Simon followed to the letter by setting down the syringe, but he had to turn his back to Diane. He was a doctor and should put his patient’s interests first, but not when it came to Mal. His last refuge had been as a medical professional, but now even that mask was lost to whatever hold Mal had over him.

“You had better make it quick,” Simon warned in a flat tone. He walked over to Qing Li and pulled her into his arms. He turned her away from Diane and felt her face press against his chest. “She doesn’t have much time left.”

Mal felt no pity for Diane. She had endangered his crew and that was unforgivable. If she was dead, then she was no longer a threat. “Better make the best of it then.” Looking down at her, his face was cold and unreadable. “We found the girl.”

The glassy eyes remained unfocused. “Y-you were supposed to.”

Mal leaned in real close so that he was eye to eye with her. “What in the ‘verse gave you the right to dump this on me?”

Diane’s bloody hand reached out and loosely grasped Mal’s suspender. “The Tams,” she whispered in a gravely tone. “You took them in. You would take care of our precious Qing Li.”

His temper flared with this woman just assuming they could influence his life like this. After Serenity Valley, he had vowed he would be in control, no one else. He pushed away her hand with disgust. “She’s not one of my own. You’re sadly mistaken if ya don’t think I wouldn’t drop her off on Athens!”

When Diane wheezed a sickening laugh, short and hard, blood bubbled from both her mouth and nose. Grinning at Mal, her white teeth were spotted with the same red blood, reminding Mal of a Reever. “You won’t. You can’t. She’s a weapon of the Alliance. Like deadly River. Even like Simon…”

Now Mal knew the woman was ruttin’ mad. River might be an unwilling soldier, but Simon wasn’t anything close to a soldier. In fact, Simon might be strong, but he was the opposite of River in most things. Where River was deadly should she have to be, Simon held the ability to save lives. While his sister was nutty, Simon might be useless at times, but at least he was relatively sane.

“I ain’t no hero,” Mal hissed. His hand curled into a fist and the urge to lash out was growing. “Don’t think just because I did what had ta be done that I’m gonna give a flyin’ fuck about your business. The Tams are here ‘cause they serve my purpose ‘n’ they’re useful to me. I ain’t gonna be takin’ on your charity case out of any sense of guilt.”

Simon could feel Qing Li cling to him hard and he squeezed her back. His own stomach was queasy listening to Mal’s rant and he could only wonder what it was doing to the girl. In the back of his mind, he felt like part of his soul was screaming. Screaming at him that Mal had just confirmed he was only kept around because he served a purpose. He only wished Mal would tell him that purpose so he could try harder at not screwing up. “Mal…”

Mal whipped around and glared at Simon. “What!”

He looked down at Qing Li and then back up at Mal with an imploring look in his eyes. “Please?”

“Don’t ya start with me, Simon!” The shout reverberated throughout the room.

Qing Li pulled away from Simon and met Mal’s glare with her own. “Leave him alone.” Her tone was quiet, but clear. “You’re nothing but a bully.”

“Ya ain’t got any idea what a bully is, lil’ girl…”

Her long black hair fell over her face. It was shorter than River’s but still fell in a shield that made Mal think of his albatross. “I know bullies. I know monsters. Tyen-sah duh uh-muo. [Goddamn monsters]. Monsters with needles. Monsters with ways to torture your mind. I want to talk to Diane before she goes into the black.”

“Take her outta the room, Simon.” What he had to say to Diane wouldn’t be said in front of this child having a temper tantrum.

Simon tugged on Qing Li’s shoulders, trying to draw her away from the room. Away from the stench of death and Mal’s hot temper.

“Want to say good bye and thank you,” Li insisted and pulled away from Simon, walking towards the bed. She went to the opposite side of the bed from where Mal stood and grabbed Diane’s hand.

“Your hands…” Diane’s voice was just above a whisper as she watched Li.

“They’re cold, Di, always cold. I’ve got them covered up…see?” Li lifted their intertwined hands to show that hers was still covered in Mal’s coat sleeve. “I’m sorry you’re hurting. I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s all my fault.”

Diane shook her head slightly, eyes widening. “Not your fault, bao bei [sweetheart]. You can’t help what happened.”

Simon watched as Diane’s body was wracked with another coughing spell, blood spilling down over her chin as her chest heaved to get fresh air. He started forward, intent on moving Li out of the way. He watched in fascination as Li leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to Diane’s forehead, one tiny pale finger coming from its hiding place in the coat sleeve to touch a line of blood on Diane’s chin. She suddenly yanked herself backwards, turning to look at Mal. Tears brimmed in her dark eyes. “Please, Captain, she’s hurting. Let her go.”

Diane’s laboured breathing hitched. “Vidcard…”

Li looked down at Diane. “I’ll tell you everything I know that’s not on the vidcard, anything that you want. Just let her go.” The tears spilled over and down Li’s pale cheeks. She turned to look imploringly at Simon. “Please?”

Simon took a step forward then, moving around Mal to reach for the momentarily discarded vial and syringe. He quickly filled the needle, knowing full well that Mal was watching his every move. He could feel his skin alive with the older man’s stare.

“Simon.”

He turned to look at Mal. “You won’t get any more out of her, Captain. She’s suffering more than I’m willing to allow.” Simon waited, wanting to administer the drug but still needing to have Mal’s approval. It was his ship, his rules.

Simon watched as Mal looked at Li, then to Diane. His posture suddenly went limp from the very structured way he’d held himself when he’d entered the infirmary to begin with. “Do it.”

The needle slid in easily and Simon had to close his eyes as he pressed the plunger down. He was torn between his duty as a doctor and his duty to Mal as a member of the crew. Even more so, he was torn between his desire and hatred for the man. Simon knew he should have let Diane die on that table when he first brought her in. His mind had been torn between being a doctor as well as the protector of his sister. He’d made that mistake. Now he was going to make up for it.

There was no sound in the room except for Serenity’s gentle hum and the sound of the monitors hooked up to Diane. Mal stood with his arms crossed, fingers white where he gripped his arms. Li had turned to River, letting the girl enfold her in her arms. She quietly stroked Li’s hair, holding her tightly as the girl’s face peeked out from behind her dark hair to watch Diane. The monitor gave out a small, alarming beep that suddenly became a droning, continuous note. Reaching out, Simon cut off the monitor.

He wanted to offer some words of reassurance to Li, but River seemed to be taking care of the young girl without much of a problem. She was whispering something into Li’s ear. The girl perked up a bit, brushing her tears away on the sleeve of Mal’s coat. She nodded her head to River.

“Captain, I’m going to take Li with me to the bridge so she can see the stars.”

Simon was sure that Mal would reject the idea almost instantly and found himself shocked when Mal nodded in agreement instead. River ushered Li out ahead of her, turning to look back at Simon for just a moment. “Close her eyes, Simon.”

There was an uncomfortable silence in the room now that the two girls had left. Simon tried hard to avoid looking over at Mal, so to keep himself from doing so he reached out and closed Diane’s vacant eyes. Mal’s hands came into view, grabbing the edge of the blanket that had been covering Diane’s waist and pulling it all the way up over her head.

“We’ll have to put her out the airlock.”

Simon’s whole body shuddered at the idea and he raised his gaze to meet Mal’s. “We’ll be to Athens in three days time, Mal. There’s no need to…”

Mal leaned over the body, hands braced on the edge of the medical table. “You got embalming fluid in this place, Doc? Cuz unless ya bought that with your money that you worked so hard for, I don’t want this place stinkin’ up like some kinda battleground.” Simon felt sick to his stomach but refused to let it show on his face. “Bodies tend to go all sickly smellin’ pretty gorram [damn] quickly, ‘specially when they’ve been bleedin’ and their insides are all melted up.”

There was a polite cough from the doorway and both men turned to find Inara standing there. “I thought I’d come and help you clean up the infirmary.” Inara’s gaze swept over Simon for just a moment before looking at the bloodied sheet. “From the looks of things, it may not be a bad idea to have some help and some company.” As she finished speaking, her gaze had been trained directly on Mal. Her features showed the utter contempt she felt for him at the moment.

Simon wasn’t all too sure about having Inara there. He was still quite unsure of what to make of her and Mal’s arrangement.

“Some of us can’t afford not to get blood on our hands,” Mal answered back. He was in no mood to deal with either of them and it didn’t settle right for them to be looking at him the way they were. Inara with her disdain and Simon with his haunted look. Didn’t feel like a good idea that either of them should be alone together in case loose tongues started waggling. “Don’t wanna get your lily white hands dirty, Inara. Let Simon clean up this mess. It’s his problem. His responsibility.”

Inara didn’t miss the minute slump of Simon’s shoulders when Mal spoke. He was covered in blood and his face was ashen. “Damn it, Mal, this proves yet again you can’t be human for even a few seconds. We’re not all like you.”

In the moment, he wanted to show her differently. Simon could handle this. He had no choice. “Simon!” He waited for Simon’s head to snap up at him before he continued. “I want this place cleaned up ‘n’ sterilized after ya get rid of the body, dong ma [understand]? Then clean yourself up. Ya smell like the grim reaper.”

Simon blinked a few times before nodding. “Y-yes, Captain.”

“If she gets in your way, work around her. I don’t care about her sensibilities. I care about getting’ this place back to normal.” When Simon didn’t move right away, he snapped. “Didn’t ya hear me? Get to work!”

Simon moved instantly at the command. He grabbed a cloth and crouched down, starting to mop up the blood that had puddled under the examination table where Diane’s body lay. The cloth just seemed to smear the blood around and not soak it up. Soon his hands were stained a deep red, as were the cuffs of his once white shirt. There was so much blood.

Simon felt a hand on his shoulder and automatically responded, “I’m trying… it’s not working very well. So much blood…”

“It’s okay.” Simon’s mind registered that it was Inara’s voice and soon realized it was her touch. It didn’t feel like Mal’s touch and he pulled away.

“I have to clean this up.” Mal had said so.

“Mal’s not here.” Inara told Simon. It was breaking her heart to watch him trying to do Mal’s bidding with shaking hands. “He left.”

“I have to finish.” Simon’s mind tried to put the pieces of the puzzle together. Tried to follow Mal’s orders. He couldn’t fail again. *So much blood*. “I should get rid of the body first… I mean, move Diane to the airlock. Then maybe it would be easier to clean up the blood?”

Inara tugged on Simon’s collar, trying to get him to stand up. “That can wait.”

“No… no, it can’t. Mal wanted it done now. Dispose of the body. Clean up. Sterilize. Clean myself. That’s what he wanted. That’s what I have to do.”

In that moment, she started to have a better understanding of the control Mal had over Simon. Crouching down beside him, she reached out and stilled his hand. “Why? Why do you have to do what Mal tells you?”

Simon turned to consider her with blood shot and teary eyes. “Because he’s Mal.”

“You don’t have to listen to him.” She wasn’t just talking about this crisis. Simon let go of the cloth and he dropped back onto the floor, pulling his knees up to his chest. Inara wanted to scream and pulled Simon into her arms, not caring that her clothing would be ruined.

Simon closed his eyes and wondered why life was so cruel. The person offering him comfort was the person who was his main rival for Mal’s affections. Of course, to be a rival, Simon would have to stand a chance in hell at ever being someone Mal could love and Simon knew that could never happen. A one time pity fuck was all he was worth.

“You shouldn’t be here. Mal wouldn’t like it.” Touching him would sully her.

Inara wanted to shake Simon and yell at him. Shriek at him to stand up to Mal like she had seen in the past. He was willing to fight anyone for his sister, but it was like he was paralysed when it came to protecting himself. “I don’t care what Mal thinks.”

Simon rubbed his face and couldn’t hide the sad the smile on his face. “See, that’s the difference between you and me.”

She squeezed him harder. Wanting to be angry with him for letting this happen to himself, yet she was more conscious of the fact that this could have easily been her if she had let herself get too deeply involved with the damaged captain. “Malcolm Reynolds is a tough man to love.”

“You don’t have to worry,” Simon offered in a dead voice. “I’m not going to take him away from you.” He pulled away from Inara and stumbled to his feet. Backed against the counter, he felt trapped. Caged by his failure and the reality of what Inara had with Mal. His fingers worked quickly to unbutton the first few buttons of his high necked shirt. Pulling it open, he showed her the still vivid bruises that marked his skin. “This is proof that he’s yours.”

Inara was stunned, looking at the marks as she stood, but kept a few feet between herself and Simon. The younger man was close to snapping. “Simon?”

“I’m not even his whore… just a whore,” Simon mumbled. His hand dropped to his side, leaving his shirt open. “I bet he touches you gently? He can only touch me in anger… look at me in disgust. I just want to please him. I’m a freak. I make him sick.”

She reached out with her hand and Simon stumbled away. “Simon…”

“Please, don’t,” he begged and turned his back to Inara. “It was a mistake. I tricked him. It won’t happen again.” He realized how much he had embarrassed himself and tried to button his shirt. Mal would be livid when he learned that Inara knew. “Please… please don’t tell him what I said. It was my fault…”

“No, Simon, it wasn’t your fault.” Inara shook her head, her dark tresses swinging around her face. “I need to own up to some of the blame.” She reached her hand out and laid it on his cheek. She was shocked at the way he flinched beneath her palm. “Oh, Simon, you didn’t see what you think. I should have said something sooner but Mal asked me not to. He’s quite the genius at misdirection.”

Simon closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. “It didn’t take much imagination to know what had happened between the two of you.”

Inara’s hand cupped Simon’s chin. “Simon Tam, you look at me, right this minute.” She waited until his gaze met hers. “Mal came to my shuttle asking for nothing more than a massage. That was all it was. I don’t service crew. It was one of the arrangements made before I even agreed to rent the shuttle.”

Simon’s face started to turn red as his gaze became much steadier. “You didn’t…I mean…there wasn’t…”

Inara smiled softly yet sadly. “No, Simon…we didn’t and there wasn’t. Mal let you believe there was.”

Simon jerked away from her and Inara took a step back at the sudden fury in the younger man’s eyes. “No, one thing that Mal doesn’t do is lie. Why? Why would he feel the need to lie to me?”

Inara raised both hands up in truce. “He didn’t have to lie to you, Simon. He never had to say a word because you filled in the blanks for him.”

Simon shook his head in defiance. “I can’t…he wouldn’t…”

“If he feels threatened enough, he would, Simon. No complications, remember? I should have seen this coming. Me, with all my years of training, and I didn’t see the undercurrent going on between the two of you. At one time he may have wanted me, Simon, but he doesn’t now. We wouldn’t work.”

Simon pushed his way past her. His whole body was tense, his frame shaking with uncontrollable anger. Inara dropped her gaze to the floor. “Oh, Simon, I’m so sorry that I didn’t say something sooner. I just hope you can forgive me.”

The sound of Simon’s voice turned Inara’s stomach into a ball of ice. “There’s nothing to forgive, Inara. I obviously have no merit or value to Mal if he’d let me think such a thing to begin with.” When he turned to look at her, his face could have been set in stone. “Now, if you don’t mind, I need to clean up in here. I’d rather like to be alone while I do it.”

“I-I’m sorry, Simon. I wanted you to know. You have so much to deal with already but you had a right to know. I hope you don’t hold this against me.” Inara moved towards the door, heading out into the corridor.

Simon’s hands shook with the force of his anger and his embarrassment. He had been tricked, tit for tat. He’d tricked Mal, Mal had tricked him. But he still felt like the bigger ruttin’ fool. Mal wanted nothing to do with him. Well, he was going to have more than he could handle. Simon wasn’t one to take revenge, but he wanted some answers. He wanted something to make sense in his ever-increasingly fucked up life.

“I don’t blame you. I blame myself.”

He looked around the empty infirmary and willed his mind to go to that place, to fall back on clinical procedure. Moving with all the efficiency that had impressed the staff at the hospital, he began to clean up the gore. After a short period of time, Simon surfaced from inside of his own head and found the infirmary practically spotless. He had no idea how much time had passed and the realization shocked him. How could he have gone so deep into his own mind that he didn’t even remember what he’d done here? He looked down at his hands, clean and scrubbed, not a trace of blood beneath his fingernails. With a start, he realized that he’d even changed his clothes. Diane’s body had even been removed.

He slumped onto the exam table, trying to stop the sudden case of tremors that took him over. He’d blacked out, lost time. That wasn’t possible. Maybe he was sick, exhaustion would explain it. He’d been under a lot of stress, more than any one person should handle. But now Mal’s voice was back in his head, telling him to get the job done, to see to River and Li. His exhaustion would have to wait. Simon started to get up off the table when he noticed that his medical log was open. Making his way over to it, he sat down and read the sterilized words on the page. No show of emotion at all, completely methodical and clinical the way most medical journals are meant to be. Except every other sentence. He opened the drawer nearest him and shoved it way in the back.

“I’m losing my mind.”

Every other line was filled with anything but what it should have been…

Follow orders. Pain is irrelevant. Follow orders. Pain is irrelevant. Follow orders. Pain is irrelevant. Follow…

* * *

“She’s lookin’ at me again,” Jayne complained. He crossed his arms over his chest and glared at Quing Li. “It’s creepifyin’.”

“Well, quit starin’ back,” Kaylee snapped at him. They were all short tempered after finding Li in a box only hours ago and with Diane’s grizzly death.

“She started it.” His sulking was met with Kaylee’s hard stare. His gaze was drawn to Li’s hand where she was wearing a green polka dotted pot holder on one and an orange oven mitt on the other. Every time Jayne spoke she would move the oven mitt like a puppet, mocking him. But at least she was wearing clothes now, even if she was drowning in one of River’s long sleeved dresses.

This time Kaylee reached over and pinched Jayne hard on his side. “How old are you?”

Jayne was about to answer when he saw the oven mitt open, ready to copy every word he said. “Why are we here again?” The orange oven mitt mocked him from across the table.

“’Cause the cap’n told everyone ta gather,” Kaylee answered. “That’s why. Just waitin’ for the cap’n and Zoe.”

As if on cue, Zoe walked into the room looking solemn. “Don’t have to wait for me.”

River looked at Zoe and cocked her head to the side. “Wash is worried about you.” It was the first time she had spoken since Simon had escorted her and Li into the room.

“Tell him not to,” Zoe told her and took her usual seat, leaving the one next to her empty. It was Wash’s seat and no one else dared to sit in it.

“Says it won’t stop him from worrying.” River shook her head. “His autumn flower.”

Zoe smiled and gazed around the room, out of habit, still looking for her husband. His loss still ripped at her soul, but in the bitterness was planted a small seed of hope. “Tell him…”

River cut her off by holding up her hand. “Don’t gotta say it out loud. He knows.”

“The bully’s coming…” Li piped up. She pointed at the doorway with the pot holder.

Simon was silent, but he looked up at the doorway. He didn’t realize he was holding his breath until Mal walked in. In the same moment he was conflicted, wanting Mal to look at him, but also fearing it. His heart dropped when Mal didn’t look his way and took a seat at the head of the table. He did notice that Mal looked up at Inara, who was glaring at him in silence from the corner of the room. She hadn’t spoken a word since she came in, but another part of Simon died when Mal acknowledged her anger and wouldn’t even look at him.

“Bully!” Li huffed. “Bullied Diane… bullied Si-”

“Quiet,” Simon whispered under his breath to Li. With his eyes, he begged the girl he’d just met to understand.

Li patted Simon’s hand with the oven mitt. “It’s okay. The ship doesn’t like it. He can start. Everyone’s here, so he can feel important. All the seats are full, Mr. Captain.”

“See, there she goes again,” Jayne groaned and threw his hands up in the air. “She’s ruttin’ moon-touched. All the seats ain’t full, girl? See, that’s one’s empty. And ships can’t feel nothin’.”

This time Li rolled her eyes in the universal frustration of teenagers everywhere when adults are being thick. She pointed at the empty chair so emphatically the pot holder almost fell off her hand. “He’s right there. And he says you’re a stupid piece of…”

“Li, enough,” Simon stopped her before it could get any worse. Both Mal and Diane had said he was responsible for her. And if the captain’s deadly look was any indication, then it was better that anger be directed at him and not her. “I’m sorry, Captain. Please, go ahead.”

Even after the apology, Mal didn’t look at Simon. “She’s a reader. Said as much on the vidcard. Did Badger know, Zoe?”

Zoe shook her head. “No. Barely got anything out of him. He wanted off that WAVE like I was death staring at him. Said some people came to him, roughed him up and told him to contact you to offer a transport job. Threatened his life somethin’ scary-like ‘n’ promised to pay him for his trouble. Badger swears he’s just the go-between. Who we dealing with, sir?”

Now it was all about business and strategy. Mal talked to Zoe like no one else was in the room. “A resistance cell that liberated our box full of joy here from a medical lab. Didn’t get much more than that. Most of the vidcard was her babbling on, begging us to take her stray in. I did get a name and location on Athens, with promises of reimbursement for our troubles.”

“A little bit of decorum would be nice, Mal, considering the girl is sitting right here in this very room listening to every word you say.” Inara’s voice floated from her corner of the room, a sharp reprimand tingeing every word she spoke.

Mal cocked an eyebrow in her direction. “I can very well see that, Ambassador.”

Inara started forward, arms hugged across her chest. She pointedly made her way to stand behind Simon. “Then stop acting the part of the hoon dahn [bastard] and show a little respect.”

Mal leaned forward, crossing his arms over the top of the table. “Think I got every right ta be fired up.”

Inara’s hands dropped onto the back of Simon’s chair as she glared back at the captain. “At the cost of hurting someone’s feelings so you that you can let your anger out?”

The squabble between Mal and Inara was heating up and Simon stared hard at the table top. This argument wasn’t just about Li. Inara was leaking her own feelings out on how she felt about what Mal had done to him. Simon wanted so badly to tell her to stop, but that would mean drawing Mal’s attention to him. As much as he wanted it, this was not the time or place for that discussion. There were too many eyes and ears right now, not to mention two readers who were watching him with wide eyes.

“Stop!”

Mal and Inara both froze in mid-sentence of their argument and turned their eyes to Li. Everyone was a little shocked at her sudden outburst, her voice strong and clear. The girl had both of her brightly covered hands over her ears. Her eyes were wide, her bottom lip trembling.

“Fighting, there’s always fighting when it comes to me! Talk over and around, about and behind, but never spoken to!” She turned to look at River. “I didn’t want this! Tell them, please. I didn’t want to be what I am! I just want to be seen for once!”

River gathered the girl in her arms as best she could, looking over at Mal with anger. “She’s empathic, Captain. She’s the experiment that did work.” River’s hands stroked the top of Li’s head as she looked pointedly at each person. “Locked away in a tiny room for so long and now she’s out in the big ‘verse with no knowledge of what to expect. She’s a reflection of me, an unbroken one. They’ll want her back. Athens won’t be a safe place for her.”

The room was silent for several long moments, uncomfortable with Li’s outburst and River’s insight into what had happened. Simon shifted in his seat, turning to look at his sister. “The experiments, did they do the same things to her that they did to you?”

Li lifted her head to look at Simon. “Ask me. I’m scared but I’m not broken.”

Mal’s voice cut Simon off before he could rephrase his question to the younger girl. “How many others, Li? How many other children were being experimented on?”

Turning to look at Mal, Li raised her chin. “Twelve, but I’m the only one left. They’re gonna want me back. They’ll come to take me back. Kill everyone who knows anything about me, like they killed Diane. They’ll hide the truth to keep me.”

Jayne shoved his chair back from the table and stood up, walking over to where Li still clung to River. He leaned down, letting his large form tower over them both. “You get your brain cut on like our River?”

Li shook her head in negation. “Just long sharp needles poking in, they tingled. Made me shake all over.”

Jayne looked over at Simon, whose mouth hung open in shock. “Electrocution, a type of shock therapy to her brain.”

Jayne walked away, over to the counter, where he slammed his hands down hard on the countertop. “Ruttin’ gorram [damn] bastards.” He suddenly turned, staring Mal dead in the face. “We ain’t leavin’ that girl on Athens, Mal. No ruttin’ way. They don’ know what they’re doin’. Look at Diane…well, don’t look at Diane since she’s floatin’ somewhere out in the black tied up in bloodied sheets. Damn grown men and women can’t keep themselves alive let alone her if we hand her over.”

Kaylee spoke up next. “Jayne’s got a point, Cap’n. ‘Sides, it’d be nice to have a fresh face on board Serenity.”

“Hold on a minute! You remember what we’ve all been through these last few months!? You willin’ to speak for everyone, Kaylee? We take her in and we’re right back to where we started from, havin’ to dodge not only the Alliance and the Parliament but whatever operative they send out this time to find her.” Mal looked around at all of them. “We almost didn’t pull through that time. And every person on this ship’s carryin’ some kinda scar from it.”

Simon couldn’t keep silent any longer. It was going to put so much more responsibility and demands on him, but he couldn’t let someone so much like his own sister become some sort of lost cause. “We should go to Athens and see what this resistance cell has to say.”

“Simon!” It was River’s startled voice that made him look up.

“Just wait, mei-mei, let me finish. We go there, see what it is they have to say. If they’re as unorganized as I think they’re going to be, we make an arrangement with them, and find a way to keep Li with us.” Simon’s gaze finally settled over on Mal, whose features were hidden behind his usual captain’s mask. “But of course, it’s your ship, Captain. As I’ve been so pointedly reminded in the past. I guess the decision really lies with you.”

The captain’s mask cracked just enough to allow a cold smile directed at Simon. “Ya need to ask either one of the readers what I’m thinkin’ right now, boy?”

Simon straightened his back in the chair. “No, Captain. It’s as plain as day.”

“My ship. I decide who stays or goes.” Mal’s eyes were now locked with Simon’s. Everyone in the room knew he wasn’t just talking about Li anymore. “I’ll be takin’ the bridge for the next shift. Take River and the girl. Calm them ‘n’ keep them outta my hair. We got plannin’ ta do. Zoe, you’re with me.”

As Mal stood, it was evident they had all been dismissed. The ship was on auto-pilot and that was a temporary solution, but that wasn’t the real reason for Mal’s haste. The truth was he was tired of being challenged. He needed to escape this room full of gorram [damn] complications before one of them bit the hand that fed them.

Zoe followed him in silence out of the room filled with hostility.

* * *


	10. Chapter 10

After Diane’s death and revealing Li’s past, it would have been a natural progression for things to wind down a bit, even if it was temporary in the remaining three days of the journey to Athens. But Simon’s world was operating on a strange tilt. Insomnia haunted him at times, but now it had him in its grasp entirely. He couldn’t tell the last time he’d slept. Surely sometime before Diane died? Maybe. Long before the blood came, but it seemed so long ago.

Everyone, especially Simon, was still reeling from uncovering the details of Li’s rescue. Diane had entered the complex alone, the right amount of credits buying her a lab tech identity and passcode to get close enough to find the girl and try to sneak her out. It had almost worked, until they’d released the gas. Veractin A-2 killed efficiently, if slowly, on anyone who hadn’t been treated with the vaccine. Unfortunately for Diane, that had meant giving her life for a girl she didn’t even know and never would.

Simon longed to just lie down in his bed and try to get a few hours of sleep. It was pretty much impossible at this point. Li and River had taken over their shared quarters in every way. Each was amped and a handful, talking forever about things only they could see. And so he had escaped to his refuge, to the infirmary. He cleaned it once again, scrubbing away imaginary blood that only he could see.

He was down on his knees, scrubbing the floor for perhaps the third time when he saw a pair of boots standing on the gleaming surface. “I’ll just have to wash it again…”

“Doc, get up.”

The voice attached to the boots sounded familiar. Simon’s gaze followed the line of the pants up, then suspenders, and finally at Mal. “Captain,” he offered in the way of greeting.

“River came to the bridge with the girl.” Mal paused and waited. When he didn’t get the answer he was looking for, he continued, “Unaccompanied. Don’t care if she looks harmless. We don’t know what the girl’s capable of. I trusted you ta watch them and ya ruttin’ screwed this up, too!”

Simon’s gaze snapped back down to Mal’s boots with the harsh tone. *Failure. You didn’t listen to your orders. Failure.* “She was with River…” It was a poor excuse and he knew it the moment it left his lips. There were no excuses for failing. “I’m sorry. I can just go and get them…”

“Don’t bother,” Mal grunted. “Kaylee’s with them. Picking up your slack.”

Simon got to his feet quickly and couldn’t help but sway a little. “They were finally settled down. Quiet. As close to sleeping as they get… I just left for a few minutes…”

“It’s been hours. I expected more from you, Simon. You’re no good ta anyone like this.” Mal waved his hand in Simon’s general direction. Under Simon’s listless eyes were dark circles and his pallor was marked. “Just get some sleep ‘n’ try to be more useful when ya get up.” With that he turned and left the room, with Simon still on his knees.

*Failure.*

*Failure.*

*Failure.*

The word kept ringing through Simon’s head, even as he stood up and prepared a syringe filled with a strong sedative. This was the only way he could follow Mal’s order to sleep. It was the only way to shut down his mind enough to let him rest. As he injected the tranquillizer into his bloodstream, he managed to make it to the infirmary bed before passing out.

* * *

The long hallways and smell of this place were familiar. It was the MedAcad, a place Simon had spent so many years of his life. He ran his hand along the wall as he walked towards an office. He stopped and read the name plaque on the door. DR. J. BENWAY. Now his fingers traced over the name plaque and he smiled. Dr. Benway was an old friend of his father and his mentor. It seemed Dr. Benway had always been in the background of his life someway or another throughout the years. Simon’s pathway had been laid out before him, gently guided by his parents and Dr. Benway. Cheerfully, he went to the schools they selected for him and dutifully studied. That was before he turned eighteen and received private lessons from Dr. Benway. Now he came out of fear more than anything else.

He knocked on the door and waited for a muffled, “Come in” before he entered.

Dr. Benway was seated at his desk and smiled when he saw it was Simon. “Ah, Simon, good to see you. It’s been so long that I was beginning to think you didn’t enjoy our little visits.”

Simon lowered his head and responded, “I’m sorry, sir. I’ve just been so busy with the program.”

Dr. Benway stood up and closed the blinds on the windows. “I’m pleased to see that you’re dedicating yourself fully to your training. We don’t want you to be a failure, now do we, Simon?”

“No, sir,” Simon repeated back. Respect was one lesson he had learned early on.

Dr. Benway turned and considered Simon. He moved closer and cupped Simon’s cheek with his hand. “How old are you now, Simon?”

“Nineteen, sir.” He had also learned not to pull away from the older man’s touch.

“Of course. So young to be in the advanced program at MedAcad. You were always such a special young man. You’ve been under my special tutelage for a year now.” His thumb pressed against Simon’s lips now and he made a pleased sound when Simon drew the finger into his mouth. “Good boy... Now down on your knees.”

Simon drew away and shook his head, balking at the command. “Sir, I h-have to be going...”

“Simon,” Dr. Benway chided. “Here I thought we were making progress. You didn’t listen to your orders. You need to learn to obey me in all things. If you don’t, I will...”

Simon took a hesitant step back. “No, sir. P-Please don’t. Just let me go and another time I’ll do whatever you...”

“You make me do this to you. Veni, vidi, vicci.”

Simon jerked awake and found himself flailing helplessly beneath the light blanket on the medical bed. Legs tangled helplessly, he kicked to loosen it and found himself overbalancing, the floor of the infirmary reaching up to greet him as he fell. He landed hard on his stomach with the cold of the tile floor leaching into his very bones. Turning his head, Simon spat out a mouth of saliva. There was a taste there, rancid and bitter. He tried hard to grasp at the dream, forcing his thundering heart to slow and his mind to clear. One thread, then another, and he was weaving the dream back into his conscious mind. MedAcad and Dr. Benway were familiar things to him, but this strange idea of meeting with him for…whatever it was they were supposed to be doing…made the bile rise back in his throat again. He’d had great admiration for Dr. Benway but to say that it would go that far was absurd. Then why was he feeling so horribly sick to his stomach? Why the sudden feelings of guilt and of being used? Was he transferring his feelings about Mal into the dream or was this something much more sinister?

He didn’t know what to do. Crawling carefully forward, Simon grabbed the edge of the exam table and stood on shaky legs. He willed himself to get control over his emotions as well as his body, but each time he came close he would hear Dr. Benway’s voice in his head. *Obey me in all things…You make me do this to you.*

“You’re scared.”

Simon jumped at the sound of River’s voice. “La tien [Jesus], River! You’re supposed to be sleeping right now. Where’s Li?”

River stepped in through the doorway and leaned her back against the wall. “She’s sleeping, very deeply. She knows I’ve left but she wanted to stay with the dream.” River pushed a strand of her dark hair back behind her ear. “You’re waking up.”

Simon reached down and grabbed the rumpled blanket off the floor, folding it quickly. “I’ve been awake now for at least ten minutes, mei-mei.”

River shook her head, a very serious look on her face as she stepped closer to him. “No, you weren’t. There were moments that you came close to the surface, rising just long enough to take a gulp of sweet clear air, but you sank again, way down deep into the darkness of the ocean.” Simon started to speak but River cocked her head to the side and closed her eyes. “She’s stopped dreaming. She’ll be conscious very soon. I need to get back.” Opening her eyes, River laid a hand on Simon’s cheek. “There’s a time to push and a time to pull away, Simon. What time is it for you now? Will you push to the surface or let yourself be pulled back down?”

He watched as she quickly yet silently glided out of the room. Left alone, Simon began to wonder if River had ever really been there at all. He tossed the blanket down onto the bed and tried desperately to straighten his own clothes. Glancing at the chronometer, Simon realized he’d only been asleep for about three hours. It was way too early to be awake and trying to analyze both his dream and his sister’s cryptic advice. He decided a cup of hot tea was in order and then he would try to sleep again. If it eluded him, he’d take another shot to help lull him back.

He made his way quietly into the kitchen and found he wasn’t the only one up at this unseemly hour of the early morning. Kaylee sat nursing a cup of tea, staring at her toolbox which had been placed on the table in front of her. She glanced in his direction the moment she realized he was there and offered him a soft smile. “Can’t sleep?”

Simon merely nodded and went over to prepare his cup of tea. “I’ve been effectively evicted from my room by two teenage girls. Instead of a semi-comfortable bed I’m now trying to get sleep on the exam table.” He shook his head and poured the still warm water from the pot Kaylee had used for her tea into his mug. “What are you doing up at this hour? Something wrong with Serenity?”

“Oh, gosh no. Serenity’s jus’ fine.” Simon lifted his now finished cup of tea off the counter and headed towards Kaylee. He inclined his head in the direction of her toolbox. Kaylee blushed slightly and ran her fingers over the top of the metal case. “I had a bad dream…’bout Miranda.”

Simon took a seat across from her and folded his arms across the table. “I’m sorry, how does the toolbox come into play with this?”

Kaylee flicked the latch and opened the top. Simon watched as her hands hesitated on the top tray for just a fraction of a second before pulling it out and setting it aside on the table. Carefully laying a handkerchief-wrapped bundle down next, she drew back the flaps to reveal a silver gun. “It’s Jayne’s. Gave it to me the other day. Her name’s Betsy. I just felt a little safer knowing that she was in my toolbox by my bed. Figured a cup a’ tea would help me get back to sleep.”

Simon’s eyes traveled over the length of the gun, not nearly as impressive as some of Jayne’s others. This one was more compact but still a good size and heft. Glancing up into Kaylee’s face, he shook his head. “He gave you…a gun?”

Kaylee giggled, covering her mouth with both hands to keep it somewhat quiet. She watched as Simon sipped at his tea. “I thought the same gorram [damn] thing! But ya know how Jayne is with his guns, Simon. For him to give one up to me, that means somethin’. Got a pretty good idea from the way he ran out of here…”

Simon choked on a mouthful of tea which caused Kaylee to start giggling all over again. Once he had enough air to breathe, Simon leaned in on his elbows towards her, his voice going very soft. “I didn’t think to tell you this earlier. But Jayne mentioned you while we were back on Persephone. I feel I should tell you that Jayne’s intentions are anything but honourable. I believe the phrase he used was ‘knocking boots’?”

They both collapsed into laughter, faces pressed down into their arms to muffle the sounds. Tear-streaked faces that were deep red in colour stared back and forth at each other. Kaylee cleared her throat and pushed a few stray tears off her cheeks. “Do you…will you think anything less of me if I tell you I’d thought the same thing ‘bout Jayne recently?”

Simon’s face turned serious and he wrapped his hands around his mug of cooling tea. He stared into the soft brown liquid for a long moment before sighing deeply. “I just want you to be happy, Kaylee.” He found the courage to look up into her eyes and the happiness he saw there made his heart a little lighter. *Maybe I can’t ever be happy, but Kaylee does deserve to be.*

Swaddling Betsy back up into her cloth, Kaylee laid her gently into the bottom of the toolbox again and set everything back to rights. “I guess more than anything, I don’t wanna hurt you by startin’ somethin’ with Jayne.”

Simon waved his hand in dismissal. “You have nothing to worry about. My lips are completely sealed on the subject.”

“Lips shouldn’t be flappin’ ta begin with, Doc. You’re supposed to be sleepin’, not keepin’ my mechanic up all night long.”

Simon’s whole body clenched at the sound of Mal’s voice. “I slept.”

“It’s only been a few hours, Doc. You’ve got an amazing way of disobeying me at every turn.” Mal’s eyes roamed over his tired face and rumbled clothing. “Ya still look like shit.”

“Cap’n, we was just…” Kaylee protested, standing up from the table.

“Get outta here, Kaylee.” The look in his eyes spoke to the fact that he wanted no challenges. He wouldn’t take any lip right now, not even from his sweet little mechanic. “Ya deserve ta sleep after covering for Simon earlier tonight.”

“We all got nightmares, Cap’n.” She gathered up her tool box and started to towards the door. “Guess some just haunt us awake. G’night, Cap’n… Simon.”

They both watched her leave silently. Sometimes the silence could say far more than any words. To Simon, it screamed out accusations. He stood and took his cup of tea over to the sink before turning around to find Mal following him.

Mal moved in close to Simon until he stood just inches away from the other man. Simon was pressed up against the counter and had nowhere to escape. “Ya listen up, Doc, and ya listen up real good. I’m tired of you screwing up ‘n’ the rest of us pickin’ up the slack. I thought after Miranda, that ya had grown up. Thought ya were a man. But then ya go failing everyone around you… my crew, especially lil’ Kaylee, River and even the girl now. I’d say you let me down, but I didn’t expect much of ya in the first place. Jing-tzang mei yong-duh [Consistently useless].” He reached out and grabbed Simon’s chin in a firm grip. “‘Bout time ya do what you were meant to.”

“M-Mal?” It was a quiet, confused plea.

Mal’s grip tightened on Simon’s chin. “Call me Captain. Ya don’t have the right ta call me by my first name right now. Ya gotta remember who’s in control here. Me, not you. Dong ma? [understand]”

“Yes, Captain,” Simon answered. He felt the fingers on his face. So familiar and he knew what he had to do next… what was expected of him. Shifting his head was easy as Mal had loosened his grip and he drew Mal’s fingers into his mouth, sucking on them gently.

Mal’s breath caught, but his reaction was almost instantaneous. He pulled away like he had been burned and yelled at Simon, “What kind of ruttin’ game is this? Ya really are a freak for pain, ‘cause you’re beggin’ ta be punished something awful. But I can’t even be bothered ta punish ya ‘cause you’re not worth it.”

Simon watched as Mal turned and left the room without looking at him again. Simon slipped down the cupboards until he was sitting on the floor. Looking down at his hands, he knew something had gone terribly wrong. He hadn’t tried hard enough because that act had always been pleasing before. It was just another failure.

Getting up in a haze, Simon moved out of the room and walked towards the bridge. Somehow he knew the girls were safely back in their room. In the back of his mind, he wished he had time to dress in something that would please Mal, but it wouldn’t help him. No matter how he dressed he would still be a freak who had failed to follow Mal’s simple order to stop acting like a whore.

This time he didn’t knock. Opening the door, he stepped onto the bridge and locked the heavy door behind him. Mal was standing and looking out of the view port. “Ya jus’ turn right around ‘n’ leave, Doc.”

Simon wasn’t surprised Mal knew it was him. “I’m sorry, Captain, that’s one order I can’t obey right now.”

“You can’t follow any orders,” Mal scoffed with distain. He kept looking at the stars because right now he couldn’t bring himself to look at Simon.

Simon took an uncertain step closer into Mal’s personal space. “I can follow the right orders, Captain.”

“I told you to sleep.” Mal’s words were said too carefully and very slowly.

“You tell me a lot of things…” Simon told him quietly. The need to reach out and touch Mal was nearly overwhelming, but he managed to keep it in check for now. “You told me you were having sex with Inara. I know that was a lie.”

Now Mal turned and Simon thought he would finally touch him, even if in anger. But Mal didn’t touch him. Mal kept his hands clenched in fists at his side. “Get outta here.”

Simon stepped even closer. Close enough that he could see the fire burning in Mal’s eyes. “Why did you lie to me?”

“‘Cause I can.”

The tension hung thick between them and Mal waited for Simon to confront him. Waited for the other man to demand more… punch him. What he didn’t expect was for Simon to slide gracefully to his knees in front of Mal. Simon dropped his hands to his thighs and hung his head.

“Wha-” It was like he was frozen and couldn’t move as he watched Simon’s hand settle just above his right knee.

“I’m tired, Captain,” Simon told him. He leaned forward and laid his cheek against Mal’s thigh. “I’m tired of fighting the mess inside my head. Sometimes I wonder what I am… because if I was just sly, I could say no to you. I would understand that I disgust you… repulse you enough to lie to me… hit me… anything to keep me from touching you.”

“Simon, don’t…” Mal warned. Every instinct raged at him to push Simon away, but still he looked down at the dark head resting against his thigh. He could feel Simon’s breath through the thin material. The warm breath began to move higher and still Mal didn’t move. Mal could feel the side of Simon’s face now pressing gently against his groin.

“Do you want me to beg?” Simon’s voice was close to cracking. He nuzzled gently at the soft material and kissed the fly. “Because I will beg, Captain. I have no dignity left. I have nothing left without you…”

What did you say to a broken man knowing that you were the one who broke him? The only thing that popped into his mind was the same thing that came out of his mouth. “This ain’t right.”

“Please, Captain,” Simon begged. With his tongue, he began to work the button of Mal’s fly loose. “You can close your eyes. Think of anyone but me.”

Mal moved his hands to cup the side of Simon’s face and made him look up. “Ya need ta stop.”

Simon licked his lips and tried to stop the tears he felt gathering from spilling down his cheek. “C-captain, p-please.”

The ache in Simon’s plea was heart wrenching. It was wrong to be looking at those lips and thinking about how they would feel wrapped around his cock. It was immoral to think Simon was beautiful on his knees. He didn’t want to contemplate what would happen if he said no to this wrecked, beautiful disaster of a man.

Telling himself it was pity, not fear or lust that made him speak, he answered. “I can give this to ya jus’ this once, boy.”

Those words seemed to be the only invitation that Simon needed to hear. Mal watched in a mixture of fear and anticipation as the younger man made short work of getting his pants opened and his aching erection out. Who wouldn’t be hard at the thought of someone offering to go down on them? He wasn’t a horrible person. He was giving Simon what he needed, even if that tiny voice in the back of his mind kept trying to make it known that it was very much what Mal wanted as well.

Simon’s hands reached out to touch the bare skin of Mal’s thighs almost reverently. Easing himself back just the slightest bit, Mal managed to press his body against the back of the pilot’s chair for better support. He sucked in a silent breath as Simon moved forward, his lips pressing soft kisses along the base of his shaft. Hot moist tongue doing all kinds of things it shouldn’t know how to do down there had Mal clenching his fists tightly at his sides. Mal felt like he was going to bore holes through the wall if he kept staring at the same spot. He made the mistake of looking down, right into a pair of eyes that studied him so intently that he shuddered.

Before he even realized what he was doing, Mal reached down and cupped the side of Simon’s face, pulling him away just a fraction. Fingers moving over to Simon’s mouth, hoping that the doc would take a hint, Mal pressed two digits against the younger man’s lips. Mal wanted to feel that sensation again. When Simon had done this earlier, he’d reeled away from him, cursing his body for reacting so lightning quick to something so simple and different. Now, he wanted it again, wanted to feel what Simon’s mouth would do to him once he was inside.

Simon couldn’t tear his gaze away from Mal’s the moment the captain’s fingers touched his lips. He knew he should have lowered his gaze, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. They way Mal’s eyes widened as Simon let his lips part, let his tongue slide over the tips of the older man’s fingers, he was entranced by everything in front of him. Inclining his head slightly forward, he took Mal’s fingers into his mouth up to the first knuckle. Tongue curling gently around them, teeth biting just slightly down, Simon dropped his gaze to Mal’s wrist, noticing the slight heartbeat that was pulsing along the skin. Tentatively, Simon reached his own hand out and wrapped it around Mal’s wrist. He waited for a moment, afraid of Mal suddenly ending what had started from such a forward gesture on his part. When the only thing that happened was the hitch in Mal’s breathing, Simon pulled gently, allowing Mal’s fingers to slide deeper into the recesses of his mouth. He nibbled along the skin, laved it with his tongue, tried to relay every ounce of feeling and need that he had into an act that was not nearly as sexual as the one he would perform next.

Simon closed his eyes and let himself fall away from the moment, imagining it to be something so much more than Mal just giving in to him for pity’s sake. Somewhere nice and quiet, a large room with an even larger bed with satin sheets and a gauzy canopy enclosing the two of them would have been a perfect fantasy, except that this was Mal. He wanted something darker, something with a little more danger, like a back alley or a small, seedy room while they were on the run. Simon didn’t get much of a chance to fall into either fantasy.

“Simon.”

Opening his eyes, Simon looked up into Mal’s face, stilling his ministrations on the man’s fingers. Mal’s jaw was clenched, his face shining with a light sheen of sweat, eyes half-lidded and dark. Simon released the light grip he had on Mal’s arm, leaning slightly back away from the captain altogether. He crouched there, waiting for Mal to say something to him, maybe hit him for his need to take control.

There was only the sudden touch of Mal’s hand once again on his cheek, moving down to cup his jaw with just a fraction of force. *Oh yes, don’t forget, Simon. You don’t get the control. You do as you’re told…as you’re ordered.* Fingers pulled gently on his chin and Simon glanced up at Mal with widening eyes.

“Take what ya need.”

Simon’s stomach flip-flopped as he felt Mal’s fingers pull him forward, the head of his shaft pressing insistently against his lips. He opened his mouth and took Mal in, eyes closing as the taste of his captain exploded on his tongue. Simon was rewarded with a small moan from Mal as he sank farther down on the man’s erection. Mouth wide, lips stretched tight, Simon’s tense body began to relax now that what he’d been craving for so long was finally his to have. He didn’t let up, kept taking Mal in by opening his throat and letting Mal’s shaft slide easily down. He breathed in through his nose and slowly pulled back, loving the feel of Mal against his tongue. Setting a pace that was comfortable but not too quick, Simon started to move his head forward and back. He could hear the change in Mal’s breathing and wanted badly to reach down and touch himself through his own constricting pants. Instead, he gripped at Mal’s waist, letting his fingers dig just slightly into Mal’s skin. He groaned low in his throat, knowing the vibration would bring Mal a little more pleasure. He didn’t expect for things to happen so quickly.

Mal moaned above him, the captain’s hands suddenly sliding up and into Simon’s hair, gripping it tightly. Sliding his hands around to grip at Mal’s ass, Simon finally got the courage to look up into Mal’s face. What he saw there nearly undid him. Mal was watching him, face red and beads of sweat sliding down from his temples. Dark eyes were focused completely on him and Simon felt a wave of pure lust slide across his thoughts.

Lips parted just slightly, Mal groaned above him and Simon felt the grip on his hair tighten. “Aw, fuck.” And then suddenly, Mal was thrusting deep into his mouth, the crown of his shaft sliding easily down Simon’s throat. Mal’s gaze never wavered from Simon’s even when he came with a triumphant shout. Simon took it all, not letting a single drop spill past his lips. Pulling just slightly back, he licked every trace from Mal’s softening erection before carefully righting Mal’s clothing, tucking him back in and zipping him up.

Mal was slumped against the pilot’s chair, chest heaving and mind a complete whirlwind. He watched as Simon stood and took a few steps away from him. Eyes glancing nervously into his and then he was turning away, walking towards the door.

“Thank you, Captain.”

It was said so quietly, so sadly. Mal pushed away from the chair, his hands grabbing at Simon’s waist, stopping him effectively. “Ain’t finished here.” Mal’s arms circled around Simon’s waist and he smirked at the way Simon’s breath hitched in his chest. “I may be a mean old man, but I’m not a complete hoon dahn [bastard].”

“C-captain?” Simon asked as he felt Mal pulling his shirt free from his pants. He was almost unable to process that Mal would touch him like this… willingly. Mal had to have another motive and any second now would push Simon away. “Please… please, don’t play games with me.”

Mal tightened his grip around Simon’s waist. “Ya think so little of yourself that ya can’t accept this?”

Simon could feel Mal’s palm lying flat on his stomach. Even though this was all he had wanted, he was struggling to accept that it was real. “Are you trying to punish me?”

Mal leaned in close and whispered in Simon’s ear. Now his hand gently traced over Simon’s well defined abs. “Not punishing ya, boy. Can see the seams unravelling in that head of yours. Just want ta help ya out a little. Nothin’ ta punish ya for…”

Simon shook his head shivered as Mal’s hand now worked its way down to tease just below the waist. “I tricked you again… if you stop…”

“I won’t stop,” Mal assured him. Now with one hand, he slowly undid the top button of Simon’s pants. He was beginning to see that the confidence Simon exuded was a mask for a mess of uncertainty and need. “Ya know, a man’s got no right lookin’ as fine as you do.”

“Don’t lie to me,” Simon begged, but he knew it wasn’t a lie. Mal had complimented him what seemed like almost a lifetime ago during their confrontation while he was using Jayne’s weights. And there was no denying the way Mal looked at him with desire in his eyes. If anything, Simon could take cold comfort in the fact that he was at least physically pleasing to Mal.

Mal worked his hand into Simon’s pants and grasped his cock, not caressing yet but leaving Simon no choice but to feel him. “Never once in everything that I’ve said to you have I said you’re anything but pleasin’ ta look at. Too pleasin’, sometimes…”

Simon rested his head on Mal’s shoulder and closed his eyes. He could feel Mal slowly starting to caress his cock and his breath caught again. Trying to memorize every touch and sensation for when he would be cold and alone.

“I know that you’re savourin’ my touch,” Mal whispered in his ear. He ran his thumb over the head of Simon’s cock, teasing the slit. He wanted to see even a flash of the infuriating, challenging boy he knew after witnessing his breaking point. The Simon on his knees before Mal had been alluring, but not the Simon he knew. “More sensual and needy than any doxy I’ve ever known. Under that uppity manner of yours, ya like havin’ someone to grapple with.”

The crude words were starting to work their magic on Simon. His hips moved forward with Mal’s touch and he writhed against the older man.

“You’re real pretty like this, Simon. Can’t suppress that sly nature of yours. Know how much ya liked having my cock in your mouth. Sucking it so sweet. You’re so easy… Whimpering from just my hand.” He felt Simon’s body stiffen and knew he’d accomplished exactly what he wanted. Soon he’d be seeing some of that fiery temper hidden beneath the self hate.

“Ruttin’ hoon dahn [bastard],” Simon moaned under his breath. His temper burned, knowing Mal was mocking him. “Guh jun duh hwoon dahn! [A real bastard!] Chur ni-duh [Screw you], thinking you can move heaven and earth with your hand…”

Mal laughed with genuine amusement and squeezed Simon’s cock. “Got yourself a mouth like a jien hwo [cheap floozy] in two ways when ya get all riled up. Spouting off all that vulgarity from that pretty mouth. See, I personally know ya can put your mouth to better use than that.”

Simon felt his cheeks start to burn with the humiliating words and yet he didn’t pull away. His cock only got harder and more demanding as Mal ridiculed him. “Tah mah duh hwoon dahn! [Mother humping son of a bitch!],” Simon hissed out and pushed his cock into Mal’s grip.

This was supposed to be a quick act of payback, from one man to another. Simon had given him incredible pleasure and the broken look in his eyes had driven Mal to make it a mutual exchange. It shouldn’t be about baiting the doctor to make him lash out, but that was exactly what he was doing. Something about hearing the normally reserved man cursing and spitting appealed to Mal on a baser level. Like something he knew he shouldn’t be doing, but still did it. Hell, that pretty much described his whole life, so why should this be any different?

Mal nuzzled the back of Simon’s neck and kissed him just behind his ear. He knew Simon was close to finishing, but he kept him right at the edge. One final verbal push was all it should take. “Got your most prized jan-doh duh ee-kwai-ro [dangly piece of flesh] in my hand here. Ya might be wantin’ to watch that mouth of yours. Ya know I’m in control ‘n’ ya like it just fine. I wanna see ya spurt all over my hand… wanna hear ya cry out…”

“Do it.” It was part plea and demand. He should hate Mal right now. Hate the captain for making him crave being down on his knees in front of another man. Hate him for desiring these words that should repulse him.

Mal pulled Simon in tight against his groin, pressing up tight against Simon’s ass even though he wasn’t hard. His own cock twitched as Simon moaned sweetly in what could have been pleasure or pain. He leaned in and gently bit Simon’s ear, harshly whispering, “Know you’re waiting for my command… such a good boy. Cum!”

Simon arched his back with Mal’s command and his world collapsed around him. The pleasure was agonizing, ripping through his body and he thought he screamed, but it was only a heartbreaking groan. His hand came down to grasp at Mal’s arm, still around his waist. His knees buckled, but he didn’t care if he fell to the floor.

“Whoa there, bao bei [sweetheart].” Mal reacted instantly as Simon became a dead weight in his arms. He realised with relief that Simon probably hadn’t heard the embarrassing endearment that had just come out. “Not gonna pass out on me again.” Keeping Simon against his body with one arm, his used his free hand to gently slap Simon’s cheek. “C’mon back ta me, doc.” When Simon didn’t rouse right away, he added, “That’s a command, boy.”

Simon made a protesting whimper, followed by a complaint. “My head hurts.”

Mal caressed Simon’s sweaty hair away from his forehead. “No doubt.”

Simon leaned into the touch momentarily, but even in this drowsy state he remembered what Mal had said. * I can give this to ya jus’ this once, boy.* No matter what Mal had said or did, he didn’t want to do it again. “I should be going, Captain.”

But Mal didn’t lessen his grip on Simon’s waist. “Mmm, suppose ya want some rest.”

Simon’s head was starting to throb and he just wanted to curl up somewhere. Sleep would probably not come to him, even though he wanted it. Insomnia was his reality now. Going back to a room with two readers wasn’t an option after he’d debased himself and liked it. His only option was the uncomfortable infirmary bed and time alone to try and pull together his protective walls. “I’ll just be getting back to the infirmary.”

“Don’t think so, doc. Ya meant your room, right? With that nice, cozy bed?”

He couldn’t take a confrontation with Mal now. Not when he was so vulnerable. “Yes… yes, that’s what I meant.”

Mal made a tsking noise and patted Simon’s lower chest lightly. “Simon… you’re forgetting I can tell when ya lie.”

“And did this ability come about before or after you had your dick up my ass?” The reply had some fire behind it, but Mal also heard a longing there that tore at his heart even more. Oh, the five kinds of hell he’d just managed to get himself into, letting things escalate between the both of them like this. *The special hell.* Mal smiled softly at the sound of Shepherd’s voice in the back of his mind.

“You got quite the smutty mouth all a’sudden. Don’t think I’ve rightly ever heard you curse as much as you have the last few days. Kinda odd hearin’ it comin’ from such a pretty boy like yourself, all educated and gentlemanly.” Mal rested his chin on Simon’s shoulder and looked down to get the doc back into his clothes and somewhat presentable once again. “You weren’t lyin’ about goin’ back to the infirmary. I wanna know why.”

Simon sighed softly and let himself lean back into Mal’s embrace a little more as the captain finished with his pants. He waited for a moment, waited for Mal to pull away from him but it never happened.

“Simon. I asked you a question.”

Simon stiffened slightly but felt Mal’s hand rub a soothing circle along his stomach. “Li and River staged a coup and took over the occupation of the room. I’ve effectively been ousted from there. Not to mention Li needs a little time to recuperate from the trauma of everything.”

“Ah. I see. So how long were ya plannin’ on sleepin’ on the exam table for? Coupla days, a week or two or until one of the crew found ya passed out there and confronted ya on the subject?” Mal pressed a soft kiss right beneath Simon’s earlobe, breathing in the scent of sweat and sex that still lingered in the air. Releasing his hold and stepping around in front of Simon, Mal took his wrist in hand. “Come on, you can sleep in my bunk for a few more hours yet. Still an ungodly time to be awake. Think I could use a few hours m’self.”

Taking a few steps forward, Simon found himself yawning just slightly. “And who, might I ask, will be flying the ship while you’re sleeping? You do realize River’s shift doesn’t start for another three hours.”

Mal stopped, hand still holding Simon’s wrist. He face scrunched up just slightly in thought. He hadn’t thought of that. He could at least get Simon settled in to sleep, maybe stay there for just a few minutes before returning to the bridge. They were far enough away from all normal shipping lanes to just engage the autopilot. But, of course, the minute that they got down there something would come up and he’d be running back up to the bridge for some kind of gorram [damn] alarm or another going off.

“Don’t rightly know now that ya mention it. Shouldn’t have said anything at all. Now I got ta figure a way to do this.” Mal gave a deep sigh and looked back at the pilot’s chair.

“Not so problematic, Captain.”

Mal turned to see River standing right outside the hatchway. A still half-sleeping Li stood holding a blanket that had been tucked tightly around her hands to something that resembled a muff. Her gaze sleepily swept the area before stepping closer to River and laying her head against the older girl’s arm. “Not so comfy as a bed, but I can make do.”

River lifted her arm and draped it across Li’s shoulders, ushering her inside. Placing Li in the co-pilot’s chair, she turned to look at Mal and Simon. “Been awake for a little bit. Li’s dreams were too vivid, spilled out and over. I’ll watch over Serenity.” Smiling up at her brother, River stepped forward and pressed a soft kiss on her brother’s cheek.

Simon shook his head. “Mei-mei, you really should…”

River pressed her finger against Simon’s lips, effectively silencing him. “I should be here. Where I’m needed.” She pulled back from Simon and grabbed another blanket from the storage locker. After tucking it carefully around Li, who had drawn herself up into a ball and quickly fallen back to sleep, River turned her attention to Mal. “She won’t be a problem, Captain. I can take care of her.”

Mal stood there for a moment, surveying the scene and weighing the options in his head. Leave River on the bridge with a girl they really knew nothing about, stay here and just let Simon go to the infirmary, take Simon to his room and catch some shut eye himself.

“Happy flyin’.”

Mal started to reach for Simon’s arm again, but instead laid his hand on the small of the doc’s back, ushering him out. He went willingly enough, which led Mal to the conclusion that the boy really hadn’t been getting enough sleep as of late. The dark circles were still present under his eyes and Mal cursed himself a little as Simon staggered a bit down the stairs. He knew he wasn’t the full reason to why Simon was so gorram [damn] exhausted, but he knew he did have a hand in it all the same. Maybe this would be beneficial to both of them. All the crazy sparks between them, the fighting and arguing, maybe it’d lessen a bit if the boy got some regular sleep. Maybe things would be better if he did spend a little solitary time alone with Simon. He obviously needed something or someone to turn to, as out of control as his mind had been of late. And before it was all said and done, maybe whatever itch it was that Simon needed scratched so bad would wear off.

Simon went slowly down the ladder into Mal’s bunk, almost sleepwalking. Mal shook his head and followed after him, wanting more than anything to leave all the craziness behind him for awhile. Stepping off the last rung, Mal ran right into Simon, who stood staring around the room as if he were lost.

“Simon, you okay?” Mal reached a hand out and laid it on Simon’s shoulder. A sudden shiver seemed to grip him, the doc’s frame shaking and shivering with a mind of its own.

Simon merely shook his head no for a moment, then turned to face him. “I don’t have anything to change into. Maybe I really should just go back to the infirmary. I don’t want to impose on you.”

Mal brushed past Simon and headed for the small dresser. Opening the top drawer, he rifled through and came up with a plain old tee-shirt and a pair of well worn sleep pants. “You can wear these for now. And ya ain’t imposin’ on me none. Told you to come down here, didn’t I? Now, get those wrinkled fancy duds a’yours off and get into the bed. Ya look like you’re ‘bout ready to keel over.”

“Captain…”

Mal shoved the change of clothes into Simon’s hands. “Ain’t captain down here, Simon. Here, by ourselves, you call me Mal, dong ma [understand]? And I ain’t askin’ ya again. Get changed. Can’t go ‘round sleepin’ in your [damn] clothes. Gonna mess ‘em up permanent-like if ya keep it up.”

“It’s just clothing,” Simon grumbled and looked down at the clothes in his grasp. His hand ran over the well worn material and his sleep deprived mind jumped immediately to the fact that Mal had worn these next to his skin. These cheap, well worn clothes seemed more precious to him in this moment than even his finest shirt.

Mal crossed his arms over his chest and glared at Simon. “Didn’t ya hear me? I said get changed.” He waited, knowing the tone he used would cause Simon to respond. As if on cue, Simon set down the clothes in his hands on the bed and started to unbutton his shirt. “And don’t go givin’ me crap about ‘it’s just clothing.’ Ya got a mess of expensive things to rival Inara.”

“My things are nowhere near as beautiful as Inara’s,” Simon snapped. He pulled off his shirt and folded it carefully before setting it on the bed. Then he realized how that might have sounded. It might have sounded like he admired Inara’s finery. “My wardrobe is nothing compared to what it was back on Osiris.”

“Don’t try ‘n’ pretend ya don’t like all that fussy go-se [garbage].” Mal was trying to distract his mind as it conjured images of Simon dressed even more fancy-like. “And what are ya waiting for? Finish.”

“You’re watching me,” Simon snapped back. Standing there in front of Mal, who just stared at him. A whisper in the back of his mind said the man was judging every one of his faults.

Mal snorted with amusement. “You’re gettin’ shy now? After everything I’ve done ta ya?”

Simon popped the first button on his pants at the challenge, but could feel the burn start to rise on his cheeks. He would not ask Mal to turn around while he changed. Planting his eyes on the floor, he finished pulling down his pants. Stepping out of them, he grabbed the sleeping pants and pulled them on.

Mal watched as Simon folded his dress pants and if he didn’t know any better, he would say the damn boy was embarrassed. Simon had no reason to be ashamed with that body. That pale, muscular chest which marked so easily. “Leave the shirt off.”

Simon looked up with a confused expression. “What?”

Mal shifted his weight and ran a hand through his hair. He made himself meet Simon’s gaze. “I mean ta say, it can get awful hot in here at night. Ya might wanna leave the shirt off for now. I only gave it to ya… well, just in case you needed it.”

“In case I need it…” Simon repeated back slowly and there was a slight smile on his lips.

“Yeah,” Mal answered and unbuttoned the top button of his own shirt. “It’s hot in here. Seems hot in here now.”

Simon cocked his head to the side and his hand went to the waist of the loose sleeping pants. Even though he was so tired, he would give Mal anything. “Do you want me again?”

Yet another flash of how needy Simon was. So tired he could barely stand and he was offering himself up. Mal took a step closer and put his hand on Simon’s shoulder. “And what would ya say if I said yes?”

Simon answered immediately. “I would say how do you want me?”

Mal’s hand started to trace down over Simon’s chest. He noted how Simon shivered under his touch and leaned into him. “You’d do just about anything I said…”

“Y-yes…” Simon closed his eyes as his breath hitched. He could feel Mal getting closer and his body was warmed by the older man’s close presence.

Mal leaned in real close, his breath teasing the lobe of Simon’s ear. “Believe anything I say?”

Simon’s answer was barely a whisper. “Yes, Captain.”

Mal nipped at the ear gently. “I’ll let that lil’ mistake slip, boy. Ya know I told ya to call me Mal here, but I know you’re all worked up ‘n’ twisted up tight like a ball of bailing wire. You listen up good now, Simon. I know what lies were runnint around your head when you were changin’. Thinkin’ you’re somethin’ nobody wants to look at. I saw it lurking in that muddled mind of yours. You’re so damn contradictory sometimes. One minute too damn smart for your own good, then as dumb as my left boot the next.”

Simon rested his forehead on Mal’s shoulder and his right arm wrapped desperately around Mal’s waist. In this moment, with no sleep and so vulnerable, he couldn’t fight Mal. He didn’t understand what the captain wanted. “M-Mal?”

Mal gently caressed Simon’s hair. “Ya said you’d do anything for me. What I want for you to do is to sleep now.”

Simon clung to Mal harder. “I could…”

Mal cut him off, but there was no bite to his words. “Shut your trap now. Ya gotta obey me, Simon.”

“I don’t have to do anything!” Simon shot back for the sake of protesting. Sure, he wasn’t in any shape for anything sexual, but he still bristled at the rejection. He pushed away from Mal and stumbled a little. Here he had been offering to do anything Mal wanted and the man wanted him to sleep. Yes, he needed to sleep, but he didn’t want to sleep just because Mal was trying to get rid of him.

“Get in the gorram [damn] bed!” Mal yelled and pointed at it for affect. Here was the contradictory nature of Simon rearing its ugly head again. One moment the boy was soft and submissive in his arms, nearly begging to be fucked. Then the next moment he was being a testy son of a bitch.

“Ruttin’ make me!” The words were barely out of Simon’s mouth before Mal grabbed the back of his neck. Catching him off guard, Mal was able to force Simon onto the bed. But Simon wasn’t going to stay down without a fight and started to struggle. Mal was forced to restrain him by lying right on top of the belligerent doctor.

“Get off of me,” Simon growled. He tried arching his hips to knock Mal off.

Mal acted quickly and pinned Simon’s arms over his head. “You’re tryin’ ta trick me again, yisheng?[ doctor].” He leaned in close and started to kiss Simon. At first Simon’s lips were unresponsive, but soon succumbed to Mal’s gentle kiss. He pulled away and rested his forehead against Simon’s. “Trying ta trick me into thinkin’ ya need this right now just because you think I want it.”

“I want this,” Simon snapped back with indignation. “Who in the hell do you think you are telling me what I do and do not want?”

“I’m the man pinning you down to his bed.” Mal squeezed Simon’s wrist a little tighter and noted exactly how Simon reacted. This boy was sending him directly to the special hell with all his neediness and appealing kinks. “And I’m your captain. I don’t doubt you want this right now. I do that know you don’t need this. What you need to do is sleep.” Mal loosened his grip on Simon’s wrists, noting the other man had given up even the smallest of token protests. He kept one hand on Simon’s wrists and with the other began to stroke Simon’s cheek with the back of his knuckles. “You can fight me all ya want when you wake up.”

Simon’s eyes drifted shut. “Don’t think you won anything…”

“’Course not,” Mal whispered and kissed Simon’s forehead. He noted that Simon’s breathing was already starting to slow. When he shifted his weight to get off the bed, he saw Simon’s eyes snap open. Mal sighed heavily and looked down at Simon from where he straddled his hips. “Don’t you dare start anything again.”

Mal was leaving and something about spending hours alone in his personal quarters was too much to handle. “I can sleep in the infirmary…”

Mal promptly slapped Simon on the side of the head. “Fahng-tzong fung-kwong duh jeh [A knot of self indulgent lunacy]. Stubborn, ruttin’ boy…” He lay down next to Simon on the bed and when the younger man only gave him a suspicious look, he pulled Simon into his arms. Simon’s head came to rest on his shoulder and Mal swore he could feel the uncertain gaze. “You’ll sleep even if I gotta hold ya down myself.”

“And you’re calling me stubborn?” Simon murmured, but his voice was already tinged with a yawn. “You can’t make me sleep.”

“My ship. Can do anything I please.” Mal knew it was only a matter of time before Simon all but passed out. That temper couldn’t compete with exhaustion forever.

“Might be your ship…” Simon argued, but stopped to yawn and just close his eyes for a moment. “But you can’t dictate my biological clock.”

“Uh huh,” Mal answered and begun a mental countdown. Simon never did snap back with a snarky reply and Mal managed to count to one hundred and thirty-six before he determined Simon was asleep.

Mal considered leaving now that Simon was asleep, but quickly dismissed the idea for now. If he got up, then Simon would most likely wake up and he’d have to start that fight all over again. He’d just wait a few more minutes to make sure Simon was in a deep sleep before he slipped away. Telling himself he was just testing to see if Simon would react, he ran his hand through Simon’s hair. With nimble fingers he felt the silkiness and twisted it around his fingers. Continuing the action, he heard Simon moan in his sleep and nuzzle against Mal’s neck. Of course, that meant Simon wasn’t quite deep enough in sleep for Mal to leave and if he stopped what he was doing, Simon might wake up. So, he really didn’t have any choice but to keep running his fingers through Simon’s hair, now did he?

Mal’s eyes drifted shut and he told himself he’d rest just for a few more minutes. Just enough to make sure Simon wouldn’t leave his room. His hand stilled, but stayed resting on Simon’s head and his other arm securely lay around Simon’s waist.


	11. Chapter 11

Mal wasn’t sure how he got into this unfamiliar room, but the sight before him was familiar enough. Simon was kneeling at his feet, with his head downcast. Mal reached out and caressed the silky hair, only to feel Simon minutely pull away from his touch.

What he wanted to say to Simon, that he was okay, never came out. Instead of hearing his own voice, another was speaking. “Never pull away from me, Simon. How many more times must we go through this? Your mark must believe you are completely and totally subservient.” Mal watched as the hand in Simon’s hair pulled away. He noticed the shiny gold ring on the finger and knew that this wasn’t him. The feeling was strange and the fact that the sudden desire he’d just felt for seeing Simon down on his knees again had him reeling at this strange new development. How could this even really be possible? Forcing himself to concentrate, Mal watched Simon intently and listened for the voice again.

Simon’s bowed head lifted, and Mal noticed that he was younger here. No more than a year or two but the boy’s eyes were different, they weren’t guarded they way they had always been since boarding Serenity. “I-I’m sorry.”

The man’s laugh rang loudly and Mal found himself suddenly lowering down to the floor until Simon’s gaze was fixed with his. “You’ve been making wonderful progress, but you need to give up on trying to control the situation so much. If the mark touches you, you lean into it, enjoy it. You respond to every stimuli the mark gives you.”

Mal stood up and moved towards a desk, with several file folders spread across the top in a very orderly fashion. It wasn’t until he reached the mirror behind the desk that he realized the complete situation here. He was the one moving, yet the reflection cast back by the mirror was of an older man, early to mid-forties and just starting to show signs of grey peppering through his dark hair. The eyes were cold blue and the mouth pulled into a smile, though harsh.

“What is your purpose, Simon?” Simon started to stand. “Don’t get up! I never said anything about you being allowed to stand. You’re still in your role. Head down, eyes to the floor, boy!”

Mal watched as Simon obediently dropped back to his knees, head bowed and body slightly trembling.

“Your purpose?”

Simon’s mouth opened and closed for a moment. His hands, placed on the floor in front of him, were turning white at the knuckles from where he applied pressure to them. “My purpose…is to…”

“Jing-tzang mei yong-duh [Consistently useless]! Simon Tam, relay to me your purpose or so help me I will make you regret your lack of memory! Now! What is your purpose!?”

Simon’s voice rang loud and clear, causing Mal to shudder at the way the tone of Simon’s voice was so deep and so completely automated.

“I am to retrieve any and all information from the intended mark in every available way possible, more specifically through seduction and coercion. I am to leave no mark alive once my purpose has been reached and all memory of the operation is to be forgotten upon my return and debriefing.”

Mal found himself, the doctor, whoever the hell he was supposed to be at this point standing and going over to Simon’s still kneeling body. The hand was back in Simon’s hair and this time, Simon leaned into the touch. “That’s my peow-liang biao-tze [Pretty Whore]. Well done, Simon.” Simon’s mouth opened slightly and he licked at the thumb of the doctor’s other hand as it came to rest lightly against his cheek. “Now, why don’t you be a good student and show me last week’s lesson. Veni, vidi, vicci.”

Simon’s whole demeanour changed, his gaze coming up to look into Mal’s/the doctor’s eyes. There was a sudden fire there, a lust that burned and made him look almost sinfully sexual, sinister. A pink tongue darted out to lick at soft lips. Moving backwards until his back was pressed against the desk, Mal watched as Simon literally crawled forward on his hands and knees, suddenly becoming a predator stalking his prey. Once kneeling again at his feet, Simon’s fingers moved forward and started to unbuckle Mal’s/the doctor’s pants…

* * *

Mal jerked awake to the sound of Simon’s moans and quiet whimpers.

“Please, no. No.”

Simon’s arms pulled tightly at Mal, as if he was trying to crawl inside of him to escape what was going on in his mind. Threading his fingers through the back of Simon’s hair at the nape of his neck, Mal started to shush him. “Shhhh, s’okay, Simon.” Lips to forehead and then kissing lightly down to his cheek, Mal let his fingers glide up and down through Simon’s soft hair. “S’okay. You’re safe. Ssshhhhh.”

Simon started to settle, his head fitting perfectly beneath Mal’s chin. His desperate cling to the captain loosened slightly and Mal could feel wetness on his throat. The poor boy was so scared that he was crying in his sleep at the dream. Mal started to stroke along Simon’s spine with his other hand, waiting for the shallow breaths to ease. It happened slowly, Simon still hiccupping in his half-dream state before becoming completely still.

It wasn’t possible that he could have been in Simon’s dream, yet Mal knew deep down that was what had happened. The whole idea of Simon being trained to be nothing more than a lap dog sickened him, and yet instead of pulling away in disgust he was helping Simon through it by holding him like this. All he really wanted to do was punch a wall. Simon murmured against his neck, shifting restlessly. Mal brushed another kiss to the younger man’s cheek. He realized then what he was doing and sighed deeply. This wasn’t supposed to be happening. As much as he wanted Simon, it went against everything he’d laid down as rules aboard the ship. Not to mention the no complications rule he’d set up for himself a long time ago. Sure, he’d started to get involved with Saffron…Yolanda…whoever the hell she really was, but that had turned out fine. Well, for the most part anyway. Nandi had been a one time deal, but he didn’t want to think about that. Her death had affected him deeply, reminding him of why he didn’t want to be involved with anyone to begin with.

Mal closed his eyes and tried to focus, but Simon’s subtle shifting wasn’t helping matters. It was almost as if Simon knew that Mal was having troublesome thoughts and was afraid to let go of him. Wasn’t right for him to be seeing dreams that weren’t his. And what if the training was something that Simon went through? Mal shuddered at the thought. Done gone and got yourself your own personal trained whore, Reynolds. What’s that say about you? You and all your high standards and moral values takin’ advantage of someone who ain’t got no damn control over what’s happenin’ to his own body.

There wasn’t much of a gorram [damn] thing he could do about it at the moment and Mal refused to wake up Simon at this point. He may not be happy with the choices he’d made recently, but the doc did need the sleep. Glancing over at the chronometer, Mal resigned himself to sleep just a little longer before getting up and getting to business. He looked over at where Simon’s clothes were set neatly on his dresser. All folded proper-like but with some very improper stains decorating them. He’d take care of it in the morning. Everything that needed tending to would still be there in another two hours.

Mal pushed all thoughts of the dream aside, instead letting himself just enjoy the feeling of another warm body pressed against his. It still didn’t settle the turmoil in his gut or the questions in his mind, but Malcolm Reynolds fell almost instantly asleep the moment he shut his eyes.

* * *

Li’s head lolled on the back of the co-pilot’s chair as she stared up at the ceiling. Three paper cranes already decorated the drab metal, made from scraps of paper she had found around the ship. Her favourite was a crane made from a piece of paper that carried confusing words, but felt like a friendly older man. It would be one among the thousand cranes she planned to make as company for the dinosaurs. She turned her head and looked at River who was combing her fingers through her long hair. “You didn’t chase the dream away.”

River was starring at a blinking light on the panel. It always blinked. Blink. Wait three seconds. Blink. “Couldn’t.” Sometimes she wished her life was just as easy as a blinking light, on and off.

Li looked at her and made a face. “Yes, you could.”

River looked back at her and stuck out her tongue. “I could, but I wouldn’t. Sticky mess of a complication.” Li giggled and blushed when River said sticky mess. “You stay outta those threads, mei-mei. You’re not old enough.”

“Not my fault!” Li shot back in defence. “Simon is a…”

“Simon’s different,” River cut her off. “Different than us. Cut from the same cloth, but in a different shape. Form and function. Not his fault.”

Li raised her hands, still covered in oven mitts, in the air and fluttered them around. She pointed at a corner where anyone else would see nothing, but to them, Simon’s desire leaked into the room in red misty swirls. “He’s broadcasting!”

“Not his fault,” River insisted. She tapped her skull where the scars marred the skin under her hair. “The blue hands messed with us in different ways. Our big brother can be the master of manipulation, but is still a slave. That’s one of the reasons I didn’t stop the dream. The captain has to understand.”

“How can he understand if he isn’t one of us?”

River smiled at Li. “The captain is a reader in his own way and all tied up in Simon’s pretty red threads.”

Li tried to keep her eyes focused out at the stars, but she kept sneaking a glimpse at the swirling red mist. In a sing-song she announced, “He likes Simon.”

“Block it out,” River instructed in a firm voice. Her hands flew over the controls of Serenity, making minor adjustments to its course. “You have to get used to blocking it out around the star crossed lovers.”

Li poked at the edges of River’s chaotic mind, searching for technological information on piloting Serenity. But embedded and intertwined with Serenity were hints of someone familiar. “Do you like the captain?”

River’s hand stopped and hovered over a switch. She didn’t look over at Li. “The captain is family.”

Li pulled her feet into the chair and looked curiously at River. “You would have married Simon… Simon is your brother.”

“You ask too many questions,” River sighed heavily. Since Miranda, the moments of clarity were more numerous and it was easier to not wander into the stars. Right now she was wishing she could just drift off. “Wuh tzai chien shr ee-ding ruh dao shuh-muh run luh bah . . . [I surely annoyed someone or other in a past life, didn't I ?]

“I don’t know, did you?”

“I asked too many questions in a past life,” River told her and scratched the tip of her nose with her pinkie finger. “Large as a mountain, small as a pea, endlessly swimming in a waterless sea.”

“An asteroid,” Li answered back automatically. “But you still didn’t answer my question… do you like the captain?”

For a brief moment she wondered if Simon ever got this annoyed with her, but then she laughed at the idea. She never could have been this bad. Perhaps if she distracted Li, then the girl would latch onto something else. “I do not breathe, but I run and jump. I do not eat, but I swim and stretch. I do not drink, but I sleep and stand. I do not think, but I grow and play. I do not see, but you see me every day.”

Li rolled her eyes and stuck out her tongue at River. “A leg. And it won’t work. You like to dance, but you can’t dance and twirl outta this one. You feel the red swirls. Not like Simon who makes them and can blur the hurricane, but it’s still there. And not as dangerous as the black ones I know that call us, but they…”

“Quing Li!” River cut her off and used her full name. “The captain belongs to Simon. Simon needs the captain in a way neither of us will never need anyone else. You’re too young to understand.”

Li crossed her arms over her chest and slumped down into the co-pilot’s chair. “Just a few years younger than you. I was created to understand.”

River only tilted her head and smiled at Li. “They couldn’t teach us everything. And now that you’ve stopped asking it, I’ll answer your question. I like the captain. Just like I like Serenity.”

“Skeletons in a closet…”

“Don’t mope,” River told Li. She pointed to a knob in front of the girl. “Turn that.”

Li leaned over and turned the knob. “Not moping. It’s not like the lab. I wasn’t supposed to be in the field until I was your age… if they let me. Everything is so…” She stopped when she couldn’t find the words.

“Don’t have to say. I know.” River reached out a hand and waited for Li to do the same. She pulled the oven mitt off Li’s hand and clasped her fingers firmly. She closed her eyes and felt the connection surge. “Mei-mei…”

* * *

Mal didn’t like the idea of having to knock anywhere on his ship. Serenity belonged to him and as her captain, he should have the right to go anywhere. And yet he still found himself knocking on the door of Inara’s shuttle. He straightened his back, waiting for the inevitable cold greeting that awaited him, even if she chose to answer. Damn woman had a strange inkling for knowing when he was about.

Like déjà vu he was soon staring into a pair of simmering brown eyes. Thing was, they didn’t excite him the way they once did. Now another pair of brown eyes called him. Quickly Mal shook his head, trying to get rid the cobwebs and mushy gorram [damn] thoughts.

“What do you want?” Inara asked in a formal, cold tone.

He had to rein in the instant want to snap something sassy back at her. Truth was he did want something and he probably had to play nice to get it. “Just want to use your skills.” The minute he saw her glare at him, he realized what he said didn’t come out the way he wanted. “Your womanly skills…”

“Mal…” Inara snapped in a warning tone.

“I mean, your non-whoring skills,” he growled in frustration. “Oh, don’t ruttin’ look at me like that!”

“What do you want, Captain?” She crossed her arms over her chest.

He looked down at the floor and rubbed one hand on the back of his neck. The other was busy holding something behind his back. “You enjoy making this difficult.”

“I do. This is about Simon, isn’t it?” When Mal mumbled something unintelligible, she knew she was right. “Did you hurt him again, you hwoon dahn [bastard]?"

Mal laughed. “Why is it that the women onboard this ship suddenly feel the need to take up arms against me where Simon’s concerned? No, for your information, Simon is fine. Finally sleeping, in fact.”

Inara’s eyebrows rose ever-so slightly. Turning away from Mal, she went over and took a seat on the edge of the opulent couch that took up most of one area. “How absolutely marvellous. One minute, you’re fighting with him as if he were your enemy and the next you’re making calls to his room to check on him as if he were a child. Tell me, Mal, is there any one person in your life that you can recall that didn’t cause you some kind of complication or another?”

The hand behind Mal’s back tightened, wrinkling the fine material even more that he kept from Inara’s view. She was goading him into a confrontation and for once he didn’t feel like rising to the challenge at all. He cleared his throat and took a few steps forward. “Listen, Inara, I didn’t come here to be berated. I needed a favour and if you’re gonna make it this gorram [damn] hard to ask it, I’ll just try to muddle through on my own.”

Mal started to turn away but Inara was too quick. She was off the couch and in his face in a matter of seconds. Mal balked at her being this close to him, trying hard to stop his own heart rate from speeding up a bit. She was beautiful, an exotic creature and he couldn’t help that this woman was sexually attractive. Her hands were on Mal’s face, forcing him to look at her. Swallowing convulsively, he closed his eyes against the gaze she levelled at him. “’Nara, don’t.” The words betrayed him, trembling just the tiniest bit from her touch.

“Mal, just look at me.” He was compelled to open his eyes, look deep into her’s. There was something there, some spark that had him pulling gently away from her. One handed, he latched onto her wrist and tried to loosen her grip. “Mal, just tell me that whatever it is you have going on with Simon, please tell me it’s more than just the fact that he’s attracted to you.”

Hand stilling on her wrist, Mal felt anger welling up deep inside of him. She had no right to ask such a question of him. No right at all. But that something between them, that attraction, though somewhat lessened now, still remained. He found himself answering without too much of a second thought. “It’s complicated, Inara.”

That seemed to be enough of an answer for Inara. She took a small step back from him and nodded her head, her cheeks flushing just a bit. “The good things usually are. Just, tread carefully, Mal. He’s young and naïve when it comes to you.”

Mal grunted and mumbled, “Not as much as ya’d think.”

He didn’t know how she did it. It was almost too fast for him to completely understand. One minute he stood looking at her, the next Inara had managed to reach behind him and pull his arm straight out in front of him to reveal the hidden ‘favour’ from behind his back.

“And what do we have here?”

Mal coughed, turning his head away from her so she couldn’t see the blush spreading across his cheeks. Reluctantly letting go of the item, Mal ran a hand back through his hair. “Something that needs your non-whoring skills?” He said it with just a bit of lilt, hoping to bring their conversation back to more level ground. Of course, the small twinkle of mischief that showed in her eyes made him wish he had turned and walked out. “You gonna give me more grief now? Just get it done and over with. I got things ta do, ya know.”

“Hmmm, more like people from the look of things.” Inara’s training couldn’t stop the blush that now spread across her cheeks. Mal watched and felt a little better about that. Nice to know he could make a Companion blush. “Definitely not yours, you have no taste. And silk on you would end up looking much worse than this with your ability to constantly end up in a fight. I’m assuming its Simon’s.” Inara’s mouth dropped open when she noticed the actual stains around the bottom of the shirt tail. “Oh my. Well, uhm, I can see the reason now why you brought this to me.”

Mal grinned in spite of himself, enjoying her uneasiness. “So, can ya get it cleaned or what?”


	12. Chapter 12

Zoe groaned and rolled over, facing the empty side of the bed where her husband used to lie sprawled all askew at this hour of the early morning. She had always been an early riser, Wash hadn’t. Her hand reached out slowly, touching at the pillow that lay next to hers, fingers stroking absently. She could almost feel the soft spiky texture of his hair against the pads of her fingers. She would stroke his hair for a few moments, then start to get up to ready herself for the morning rounds of the ship as well as getting her first cup of coffee that the captain would usually have waiting for her. The pillow was cold beneath her fingertips and a resounding coldness seemed to flood through her as she yearned for just a few short moments to feel him lying next to her again.

Forcing herself to move, Zoe swung her legs off the bed and stood up. Her muscles flexing gently as she stretched the kinks of sleep from her body, she moved to the small closet. Zoe got dressed slowly, noticing that her pants were getting much tighter and made a small note to herself to check into getting a few new pairs the next stop they made. She’d probably have to start finding ones with maternity panels in them for when she really began to show.

Dressed and ready, Zoe began straightening up the bed…the bed bought for her by their own captain. He’d opposed the wedding, tried his gorram [damn] hardest to stop it from happening to no avail. It had been a week of hell for all of them, constant arguing, constant plotting to make sure it went off without the captain’s interference and his constant plotting to stop it. In the end, Mal had stood in her father’s place, giving her away to Wash as they stood watching the sunset on Lilac. Of course, Mal had to get his say in before handing her over and Wash had taken it rather well. The captain had sworn in typical fashion to kill Wash if he ever hurt her. And Wash had said that if he ever hurt her, he wouldn’t have to worry about Mal’s death threat. Zoe would beat him to it.

No honeymoon on Serenity, that had been a very sore spot for the captain. So she and Wash had stayed the night at a local hotel, enjoying every minute of it then returning to Serenity the next afternoon. That was when they had found the bed. No one said a thing about it, though Kaylee had smiled a mile wide every chance she got at the captain. She had known, but she had never said a word to him about it. That was the nature of the two of them. The knowing was good enough.

Warm memories were cold comfort. Death was painfully too familiar, and never welcome for those she loved. And now her Wash was gone, hovering somewhere in the black and whispering to River. Putting her hand flat on her stomach, sometimes she wished Wash could talk to her.

* * *

There are moments when you drift in and out of consciousness trying to fight off the real world. Simon didn’t want to wake up, but there was a nagging feeling that something was wrong. Something wasn’t the way it should be on Serenity. His eyes were heavy as they dragged open and he awoke to an empty room, an empty bed that smelled like Mal but felt wrong without the other man in it. Simon looked around the darkened room and felt immediately like he was intruding. This was not his space.

Simon sat up and clutched at his head as it throbbed. He had slept and taken the edge off his fatigue, but not nearly enough. “Can’t hide forever, Captain,” Simon grumbled to himself and swung his feet over the edge of the bunk.

Looking over to where he left his clothes, he noticed immediately that his shirt was gone. “Kao! [Fuck!]” Simon could imagine what would happen if someone, with his bad luck probably Jayne, saw him skulking out of Mal’s cabin without his shirt on. The big asshole would jump to conclusions… true conclusions, but still ones that didn’t need to be rattling around in that head. And with his big mouth, Jayne would spread his business all over the ship.

Simon slipped his pants on and tried to brush the wrinkles out with his hands. After a moment he stopped and snorted at his own behaviour. “No wonder he thinks you’re a fussy little priss,” he hissed under his breath.

Moving towards the dresser, he pulled open the top drawer and started to look for a shirt he could wear. Pulling out one of Mal’s brown shirts, he ran his hand over the worn cotton. It was patched along the hem and Simon closely examined the neat stitches, knowing Kaylee had probably done it for the captain. He brought the shirt up to his face and gently sniffed it.

Instinctually, he knew this one was one of Mal’s favourites and folded it neatly. He took out the next three shirts that were balled together in the back of the drawer. Simon folded each of them carefully, placing them back in the drawer. It would feel like a violation if he wore anything that Mal liked too much.

In the second drawer, he found Mal’s dress uniform from when he had been in the Browncoats. He ran his fingertips over the brown material reverently and didn’t dare even pick it up. Closing that drawer, he tried to shut down the image of a younger, smiling Mal in the dress uniform out of his head.

Opening the last drawer, Simon crouched down and reached out to pick up a worn shirt. When he pulled it out, he saw a quick flash of fabric that was instantly familiar. He folded Mal’s shirt that was stained with dark spots that could have been oil but were most likely old blood stains. He hesitated only a moment before he picked up the shirt he’d misplaced that day using weights in the cargo bay. As he picked it up, a silver cross fell out from its nest in the fabric and fell onto the floor.

Simon held his shirt in one hand and picked up the necklace he knew was the captain’s. The instant he touched the metal, it felt like Mal. Bringing it to his lips, he closed his eyes and kissed the cross. His mind was swimming in heavy emotions of pain and betrayal that might or might not have been his own. He dropped his shirt onto the floor and, not thinking of anything else other than having this piece of Mal close to him, he slipped the chain over his head and shivered when it touched his skin.

His head dropped back and he moaned, “Mal…”

He was so caught up in experiencing the object now close to his heart that he didn’t hear Mal climbing down the ladder.

What Mal saw took his breath away. Simon was kneeling on the floor, his bare chest only marred by scars and the cross hanging around his neck. Because for Mal, seeing that cross was like opening an old jagged wound. Simon was beautiful, but in that moment, Mal wanted to kill him.

“Take it off!” Mal barked immediately. That part of his life was supposed to be in the past and seeing Simon wearing it was agonizing. He never should have kept that humping piece of metal. It hadn’t been about sentiment because his dad had given it to him, or any lingering belief in a higher power. He had kept it to remind him to never make that same mistake again. You could only believe in yourself.

Simon’s hand went to grasp the cross. Touching it was like touching a part of Mal that couldn’t be reached anymore. It was a glimpse of the Mal who might love Simon. He wouldn’t give that up without a fight. “S-sir?”

Mal was across the small room in seconds and grabbed Simon’s hair, forcing his head back. Looking into those terrified eyes, he demanded again, “Take it off!”

The touch of both Mal’s hand and the cross was almost too much to bear. He wanted to obey Mal, but he couldn’t. Wearing this cross… knowing that it belonged to Mal gave him something he craved. It gave him a piece of Mal close to him. If he let him keep it, it would be a reminder that, in a few moments of pleasure and pain, Simon could belong to the captain.

Simon’s voice broke as he begged, “P-please let me keep it?”

Mal leaned down and hissed in Simon’s face. “Ya had no right gettin’ into what’s mine.”

Simon’s grip tightened on the cross, the metal edges digging into the flesh of his palm. “I could be yours...”

“You’re not a ruttin’ piece of property. But *that* cross is mine.” Mal let go of Simon’s hand and reached down to his fist. He had to pry Simon’s fingers open and his eyes narrowed when he saw the cold metal covered in blood. It wasn’t the first time it had been covered in either his or someone else’s life blood. He wouldn’t let it stop him from taking what was his. He grabbed the cross out of Simon’s hand, breaking the chain around Simon’s neck.

The boy cried out and reached out his bloodied palm to touch Mal’s cheek. “You don’t want it anymore…” His voice was broken and his gaze followed the hand that clutched the cross. “You said I’m not a piece of property. You lied. We both know you own me. I know you were with Inara after you shared your bed with me. You touched her…” Simon flinched away when he saw Mal move his hand. “You can have Inara, but don’t take this away from me...” Simon reached out and brought Mal’s clenched fist to his mouth and kissed it lightly. “I’d be wearing your mark.”

Mal pulled his hand away. The wrong word and he knew he could break Simon in this moment. “Sometimes we don’t get what we think we want.”

He watched as Simon turned away from him, bloodied hand leaving bloody prints on the grey metal flooring of the room. Mal’s mind reeled and he found himself shoving the cross hastily into the pocket of his pants. This was not what he had expected upon returning to his room. In fact, he hadn’t really expected much of anything considering he wasn’t sure what to expect to begin with when it came to Simon. But this had been the furthest thing from his mind. He didn’t understand why Simon would have even had the compulsion to go through his things to begin with.

Trying hard to calm himself, Mal walked over to where Simon still knelt on the floor. “Simon, let me see your hand.” The doc didn’t even look at him, just extended his hand out to Mal, gaze locked and fixed on a spot on the wall. The cuts were more superficial than anything, already starting to clot. Mal sighed deeply and gave Simon’s arm a light tug. “Come on, get up. Need to get this cleaned and bandaged, not to mention you off my floor.”

Simon rose to his feet and turned towards Mal, his gaze finding anywhere to look but at him. Simon let himself be led over to the sink and the simple act of not speaking or looking at Mal was making the captain’s blood start to boil once again. Grabbing for a washcloth, he turned the water on and soaked an edge. Once most of the blood was scrubbed away from the palm of Simon’s hand, the damage wasn’t nearly so bad as he would have thought. There were four tiny cuts, one for each point of the cross, decorating the palm. Mal cursed under his breath and let his fingers glide gently over the marks. “Why must ya always be so gorram [damn] stubborn, Simon? Ain’t no reason at all ta be actin’ that way and yet you gotta go and make a big thing outta somethin’ so simple as a necklace that don’t even rightly belong to ya.”

Simon huffed and pulled his hand away. “You wouldn’t understand.”

Mal crossed his arms over his chest and raised an eyebrow. “Finally talkin’ to me now, are ya?” He watched Simon’s body language closely as the younger man finally looked him in the eye. There was a fire there that had Mal wanting to take a step back, but he held his ground. “What’s so all damn important, huh? What!? Ya see me every day, Simon. What is going on in that fong lu [crazy] head a’yours that ya suddenly need to have somethin’ a’mine to hold onto?”

Simon’s face was turning red, but Mal had yet to figure out if was from embarrassment or anger. He was sure to find out as soon as Simon opened his mouth. Boy didn’t hide his feelings good enough around him, didn’t even try really. “Considering that you still have to go to Inara to satisfy your desires, I may as well have something that will remind me of my place. Far be it from me to step out of line yet again.”

Mal groaned and scrubbed his hands over his face. “Liou coe shway duh biao-tze huh hoe-tze duh bun ur-tze, Simon! [Stupid son of a whore and drooling monkey] There’s no placin’ goin’ on here! No first, no second…but you’re becomin’ number one right fast with pushin’ me to my limit at the moment.”

Simon stepped right into Mal’s space, his eyes half-lidded and his tone strong yet quiet. “You were with Inara. I can smell the incense from her shuttle all over you.”

“I had some business with her this morning!” Mal clenched his jaw firmly and shook his head. “Don’t ya think you’re overactin’ a little bit here, Doc?”

“Is that what we did last night, Captain, conduct business?” Simon’s voice was cold, devoid of the fire that burned in his eyes. “I must say, you demand a lot of your crew then. Any other early morning and late night business associates I should know about?”

Mal lifted his hand and poked Simon straight in the chest, hard. “Wouldn’t be none of your business nohow if there was. But it ain’t what you’re thinkin’. And why in the hell am I even explainin’ myself to you to begin with!?” Mal pushed his way past Simon and headed for his bed, yanking sheets off the mattress and tossing them in a haphazard pile on the floor.

“You son of a bitch!”

Mal spun around, eyes wide. “What in the gorram [damn] hell have I done now to piss you off? Tryin’ to stay sane around you is like tryin’ to fly through the eye of a gorram [damn] hurricane!” Simon’s gaze was taking in the bedding on the floor and something clicked in Mal’s head. He rolled his eyes. “The sheets need ta be changed, not just because you slept on them. Christ, top three percent of the class my ass.” Mal paused long enough to yank the pillows onto the growing mass of dirty laundry. “If all you’re gonna do is stand there and glare at me, best take yourself right on up and outta here, Simon. I ain’t in no mood for this. Go see to your sister and Li. ‘Sides, I got last minute details ta take care of ‘fore we land.”

Mal kept his back turned and waited for another tirade to start but all he heard was Simon moving towards the ladder. He snuck a glance and saw Simon standing at the base of the ladder holding the shirt that Mal had so carefully hidden in his drawer. Obviously he hadn’t hidden that or the cross very well at all, but he didn’t expect someone to go poking through his possessions, either.

Simon’s smile was cold as he looked at Mal through the bars. “I’ll just go do that, Captain. Since my role on this ship seems to be not only doctor but babysitter for the wayward. I’ll just take my shirt with me so as not to omfend your noble sensibilities as well. It obviously needs to be laundered, much like your sheets.” With that said, Simon was up the ladder and the hatch hissed shut with a finality that had Mal groaning and dropping down onto the mattress. He leaned over and pressed his face down into the bed and gave a loud yell of frustration.

“I am so going to the special hell. Who am I kidding? I’m already there!”

* * *

Kaylee hummed to herself as she stirred the mixture on the stovetop. Morning was her favourite time, just being alone in the kitchen and getting the first day’s meal together always made her feel like she was back home with her family. She reached over and into a drawer and pulled out a few spices that they still managed to have from their last re-supply. Wasn’t really much you could do with protein mush, but somehow she always was able to pull it off and make it taste better than what it normally did.

She looked up at the sound of footsteps coming down the kitchen stairwell and saw Jayne. The man was a complete bear in the morning, not that he wasn’t most of the time but mornings were always much worse. Keeping one hand stirring the breakfast, she reached up with the other and grabbed Jayne’s coffee cup.

“C’mon, sleepyhead. I got your cup. All ya got to do is pour it in there.” Kaylee grinned at him and dangled the cup from her pinky. “Just a few more steps, Jayne, and it’ll be all yours for the takin’.”

Jayne grunted and reached his hand out for the cup. “Best watch how ya word things, lil’ Kaylee. Might be offerin’ up more than ya think with a man like me around.”

Kaylee rolled her eyes, but her smile stayed in place. “You always got a smutty mind, Jayne Cobb?”

Jayne was busy pouring his cup of coffee but managed to brush his hip up against hers. She pressed back a bit, deciding to play the game right along with him. She turned her head to watch him take a good swallow of the coffee before licking his lips and answering. “It’s the nature of a man to have a smutty mind, girl. Don’t you know nothin’ by now? You grew up with how many brothers? Can’t tell me their talk was all about just machine parts. Bet there was girl parts mentioned a fair amount of times.”  
He leaned over her shoulder and took a long breath in. “Smells good.”

Kaylee jostled her shoulder, nudging Jayne in the chest. “’Course it does, you ain’t cookin’ it.”

Jayne sipped his coffee and smirked. “Damn straight I ain’t cookin’ it. Why would I do somethin’ stupid like that when there’s a pretty lil’ thing like you around to cook it? If I cook it, it’ll just end up tastin’ no better than that axle grease ya got smeared on your knee.”

In Jayne-speak, that was a down right compliment of her cooking skills. But still, she couldn’t let him go unpunished for the way it sounded. As she squeezed between him and the counter, she elbowed him in the stomach. “Drink your coffee. This’ll be ready soon.”

Jayne took a sip of his coffee and noticed that Kaylee had even used his favourite cup. It was the one with the biggest handle. Everything else always felt like it would break in his hands. He leaned over the pot and peered at the lumpy mass. “There’s enough there to feed the whole gorram [damn] ship. Jus’ see you ‘n’ me. Planning on company?”

“Nope,” Kaylee shook her head. She had to stand on her tippy toes to reach up for two bowls and was just about to pull them off the shelf when Jayne snagged them both for her. He set them down on the counter, using one hand where Kaylee would have had to use two hands just to not drop the bowls. “But won’t it be nice for the rest of the crew to wake up and realize they don’t got no cookin’ ta do? And I always like to make a lil’ extra. Got used to it when I was cookin’ for my daddy ‘n’ brothers.”

Jayne was standing in her personal space again. He hoped it would come across as eagerness for the food and not just her company. Couldn’t have the girl thinking he was too sweet on her. He watched as Kaylee spooned out two portions of the protein mush into the bowls. One was heaping and he leaned in real close to snag that one. “Ya know, next time we’re someplace that ain’t too seedy, we could always go out for some real food.”

Kaylee turned and grinned up at Jayne. “Are you asking me out on a date, Jayne Cobb?”

Jayne set his coffee cup down. When she smiled at him like that it was tough to remember this was just about knocking boots with her. He coughed uncomfortably and grabbed a pair of chopsticks, quickly shovelling a mound of food into his mouth. As he swallowed, he had a disturbing thought that lil’ Kaylee had a smile that reminded him of his mama. Even though there was still a mass of food in his mouth, he mumbled, “Don’t expect anything too fancy or nothin’.”

“Course not,” Kaylee agreed. Using one finger, she dipped it into her own bowl of mush and then sucked it off slowly. “Course ya realize, that would be our second date?”

Jayne just about dropped his chopsticks. He really hadn’t been paying attention to what she was saying and more so what she was doing with that finger of hers in her mouth. “Huh?”

“Well, duh, silly. See, the way I figure it, this sorta counts. It’s got food… just the two of us…”

Jayne’s brow drew down into a scowl. She was giving him a way out. “Now you listen here, girl. I can afford to take ya out on the town if’n I want to. And I want to, dong ma? [understand]” Kaylee just kept smiling and nodded. “Right. Good ta know you’re listenin’ to my reasoning. Next port you get all gussied up ‘n’ I’m gonna take ya out right.”

“We’ll have to run it past the cap’n…”

Jayne paled only slightly. “No reason ta do that. What I do with my share of the cut is my business.”

Kaylee picked up her bowl and this time used the chopsticks to take another bite. “He’ll wanna know where we are ‘n’ we’ll need ta know if it’s safe to go.”

“Oh… right. Safe.” Jayne nodded and then patted the piece he was carrying. “Don’t have to worry about that when you’re with me.”

“I know, Jayne…” She reached out and laid her hand on top of Jayne’s, at his side. “Now why don’t we sit down ‘n’ talk.”

Jayne looked down at her and looked a little perplexed. “Talk about what?”

“I don’t know… anything. How about you tell me more about Vera? She’s mighty pretty.”

He nodded stupidly and followed after Kaylee as she walked over to the table. He could tell that she wasn’t just fooling around with him. She genuinely wanted to hear about his Vera. Never thought he’d find a woman other than his mama who truly appreciated Vera… ‘course he told himself not to get too excited. After all, this was only about getting into her awfully cute pants.

* * *

Simon went back to the room the girls had completely taken over and was glad to see they were back on the bridge. He started to neatly fold all of his clothing to move into the passenger quarters right next to theirs. When Li had first come on board and everything was falling apart around him concerning Mal, sleeping in a room next to two readers hadn’t even been an option. The infirmary had felt safe and one of the reasons he had considered sleeping in it. But after even the brief rest in Mal’s quarters, he was starting to think more rationally. He certainly couldn’t stay with Mal again and sleeping in the infirmary was both impractical and unsanitary. No, it made perfect sense for him to move into one of the empty passenger spaces. It was only when he finished moving his clothing and small amount of personal belongings over that he realized he was sill wearing the clothes he’d left Mal’s quarters in.

Even though he was standing in front of the mirror, he didn’t look at his reflection. He began to clean up from long practise, pushing back his feelings and beginning to rebuild the mask he had worn for so long. The bruises would fade, but still Simon dressed in a high necked and long sleeved crisp white shirt. He pulled on a plain midnight blue vest with no embellishments that matched his pants. It was part of the clothing he had made while Serenity was being rebuilt.

As he ran his hands over the material, he remembered having to choose fabric that was much plainer and cheaper than his taste desired. Credits were tight and there would be no playing to his vanity anymore. He looked down at the fancy shirt stained with evidence of his weakness that he had taken from Mal’s room. This shirt and the one he’d worn to see Mal had been his best. The rest of his wardrobe was now far more affordable and functional. He fingered one of the buttons on his vest and was immediately reminded of his father who had always railed that a man should never dress above his means. Simon sighed and promised himself that he would put his pride and vanity behind. Neither Mal nor Jayne cared about how they looked and they were real men. Folding up his reclaimed shirt, Simon put it away in the bottom drawer. It was time for him to stop dreaming and accept reality as it was.

Now that his meagre personal belongings were properly stowed away, the room really bore no evidence that he occupied it. There was no personality and chaos like the room River and Li shared. Even the pretty lights around Kaylee’s door or the gun rack in Jayne’s room spoke to who they were. Simon tugged at his new vest and thought perhaps this was the way it should be for him. He didn’t need visual reminders of the failure he was. Sliding the door shut behind him, he felt the Dr. Tam mask fall firmly into place.

His steps echoed on the metal grating of the corridor as he walked from the passenger deck towards Inara’s quarters. He stopped just outside her door and had to look down at the four marks on his hand for a reminder of why he was doing this. Folding them into a fist, he knocked on the hatch door.

“Who is it?” Inara’s voice called out.

He straightened his back, falling into perfect posture. “It’s Simon. May I come in?”

The curtains swooped back, revealing Inara dressed in a beautiful sari. For an instant his own psyche mocked him. Inara was an exquisite creature trained from childhood to please. Draped in expensive fabrics befitting her, Simon reminded himself that he was a poor substitute for her. He needed to stop pretending he was something he was not. This was the kind of female beauty Mal was attracted to. Not the pitiful effeminate vanity he clung to.

“I was expecting you,” she greeted him and stepped aside to allow him room to enter. “Please come in.”

Simon clasped his hands behind his back and came into her shuttle. Another reason he was doing this was the simple reason he knew she had not entertained a single client since Miranda. “I think you know why I’m here.”

Inara adjusted the fabric on her shoulder. Simon looked exhausted, but he somehow also looked harder. In was almost eerie how much he appeared to be like the stranger who first boarded Serenity. “Mal.”

Simon nodded and kept his face completely impassive. “I think you know we’ve… become sexual partners.” He held his hand up to cut off Inara when he saw she was about to speak. “And undoubtedly you don’t approve of some of our encounters. What happened between us is no one else’s business but our own. Whatever happened was my fault… I brought it on myself.”

Inara wanted to cry just listening to the young man. “Simon…”

Simon settled his eyes on the gold trim of her sari. “Let me finish. I know you and Mal have never… fully followed through with your feelings. I know it’s inevitable. But I want you to know I won’t interfere. Mal wants… needs… a certain refinement… a soft place to fall in his life and I think you’re the only person who can give that to him.” He closed his eyes and pushed away the inner voice that screamed at him that he couldn’t share Mal. That Mal was his! “I would hope a Companion like yourself could be very practical about matters such as this. Mal has other… needs that he can’t… should never approach you with. I suspect it won’t happen that often between us, but after… when he comes back to you… he’ll be less troubled.”

“I’m not an idiot, Simon,” Inara said and her eyes narrowed. “You don’t have to try and hide the truth behind all the pretty words. I know the ugly marks you’re hiding under those clothes. I can only guess the hurtful words he’s said to you… that you think you deserve. And I know you’ll keep coming back for more as long as Mal will let you.”

Simon’s face coloured slightly, pale cheeks turning pink and his eyes catching a spark of fire. “I am trying to be as civilized as I can. Insinuating that Mal would do something to hurt me against my own wishes is nothing short of preposterous.”

Inara cocked an eyebrow at him, arms crossing just below her breasts. “I think you’re confusing your need for pleasure and sexual stimulation with Mal to include pain that you think you so righteously deserve. There’s a fine line there, Simon. Pain can be a stimulator for sexual response but the last think you need is to really be hurt, not just stimulated into a higher level of sexual bliss.”

“Don’t tell me what it is you think I need.” Simon’s voice was almost guttural in his response, but Inara could see she had shaken him to the core. “And don’t try to use your Companion training on me either.”

Inara’s smile was slightly cold as she stared him down. “You were doing the same to me, using your own social eloquence.”

Simon stepped away from Inara and reached out to finger the fine fabric hanging from her shuttle wall. “The point, in fact, is Mal hasn’t done anything that I haven’t wanted. These marks,” Simon touched at his chest where the marks were hidden by his shirt as if they were a badge of honour, “They’re what I wanted. Are you going to judge me and condemn me for desires that may be a little darker than your own? How can you judge anyone at all, Inara? How can you stand to love someone and still let others put their hands on you? I want nothing more than to be Mal’s and only Mal’s. If it means having to let him come to you, I’ll survive it just like I’ve survived everything else in my life.”

Inara could tell she was gaining no ground with Simon. He was so wrapped up in emotional turmoil that he didn’t truly realize what it was he said. His posture and his words indicated his need for Mal to have this control over him. Needing to know for herself how deeply this truly went for Simon, she pressed him. “So, you’ll have Mal in whatever capacity you can? Is that what you’re trying to tell me?”

Simon’s chin lifted and he looked her square in the eyes. “Yes.”

Inara took a step forward. “Even if it means having to share him with me, a trained female Companion?”

She watched closely and saw Simon’s hands clench into fists at his sides, the muscles twitch along his jaw. “Yes.”

“You’d settle for him even after knowing that I took hours pleasuring him in ways that you never possibly could as a man?”

A quick intake of breath and Simon could only nod an affirmative to her question.

This was it. This would be the moment of truth as to how this would play out for both him and Mal. She sat down on the settee and brushed an errant dark curl from her face. “Do you want to know what happened while he was here earlier?”

The shock and anger at the question showed clearly on Simon’s face. “No!”

Inara sat forward, letting her elbows rest on her knees. “We’re both sharing the same man, Simon. Certainly we should be able to share some of the more intimate moments in hopes of finding the best ways to pleasure our captain, shouldn’t we?”

That was all it took before the real emotions that Simon had kept bottled up inside him exploded like a supernova. “I don’t want to know what he did with you! I don’t want to even think about what he might’ve done with you! The thought of his hands…h-his mouth…”

She stood then, walking carefully over to Simon. “It angers you. It makes your skin crawl knowing that you’re his and yet he can take his pleasure from you and from anyone else he chooses.” Her words, her tone, they both worked the magic she had intended for them to do. She soothed and yet she forced Simon to confront how upset it made him to think of Mal with anyone but him. Standing before him now, Inara sighed deeply. “Whatever you think took place in this room, Simon, it didn’t. I have no claim to Mal and he certainly has no claim to me. Whatever spark we had before is gone now because he’s obviously found what he’s been looking for, even if he won’t admit it to himself yet. And may heaven help the person who tries to take him from you.”

Simon met her gaze with cold eyes. “You seem to be chasing after some sort of illusive perfection, Inara. This concept of love… you think Mal will really give up what he can have with you to share something with me? If he wanted me, then I wouldn’t be here. To love someone is to give them what they want and despite what you say, I know Mal hasn’t found what he’s looking for with me. You tried to trick me.”

Inara nodded her head. “I did and I apologize but it needed to be done. Just promise me that if things get to be too much, if Mal gets to be too much, that you will not let your fear of losing him stop you from stopping him. There are some lines that once crossed… you can never truly go back to where you were before.”

“Inara, there is no line that he can cross with me. The only line that could be crossed with me is if you try to take him from me completely. This visit was a courtesy to you. I’m not so sure I’ll be as nice next time. Mal would never really hurt me.”

Simon said it with such conviction that Inara felt a sudden wave of emotion come over her. She cared for Simon, just as she cared for all of the crew. She had to make sure he understood her intentions.

“Not intentionally, no. I don’t think he would either, but sometimes we get so caught up in the moment that we lose sight of everything but ourselves. I don’t want that to happen to you, Simon. I don’t want you to lose who you are just to gain yourself a lover. Just, think on it and talk to Mal. For your sister’s sake as much as your own.”

There was a polite knock on the door to Inara’s shuttle and Kaylee’s gleaming face appeared. “Nara! I got some gossip for ya….Oh, Simon! I’m sorry. Didn’t know you two was talkin’.”

Inara let a smile spread across her face. “Hello, mei-mei [little sister]. We were just about finished up in here, weren’t we, Simon?”

Simon gave Inara an answering smile, but one that was still a little unsure. “For now, I actually need to get to the infirmary. River’s next dose of medication is due shortly.”

“Oh, well, okay then. See ya, Simon.” Kaylee watched as he headed out the door.

Inara watched him leave with a mixture of hope and fear churning in her gut. She just hoped things worked out for the best but she knew in the future a very painful discussion with Mal might be needed. She was being pulled to sit down on the couch so she turned her attention to the bubbly cheerfulness that was Kaylee.

“Oh, ‘Nara, you’re never gonna guess what happened. Ya see…”


	13. Chapter 13

River kept her eyes on the controls as she brought Serenity into Athens’ atmosphere. Her hands flew over the console, almost without thought, flicking a switch here, adjusting a dial there. Li sat watching her closely, her eyes taking in every move she made from the co-pilot’s chair.

“Keep an eye on the grav thrust, River. She tends to go a little off sometimes.”

“I know.” River wished Wash would show himself instead of staying spread out around her. It was so much easier to concentrate when he was visible. Knowing that he was hovering around her like dust mites in the air was disconcerting at times.

“Have Kaylee take a look at it when she has a chance. Probably needs just a bit of tweaking. And thanks again for dusting off my dinosaurs. They looked like they were starting to grow mold.”

Li spoke up from her corner of the ship. “She won’t let me play with them. She says Captain Meanie would throw me out the airlock.”

Wash’s laughter echoed through the cockpit. “Don’t let Mal hear you call him that, sweetie. Cuz if he didn’t throw you out for messing with the dinos, he’d throw you out for that. Did ya know Kaylee called him Captain Tightpants?”

“Bee-jway, [shut up] Wash!” River groaned to herself. “Impressionable child in the vicinity.”

“I’m not a child! Why does everyone keep calling me that!?” Li’s voice was laced with agitation. She crossed her arms over her chest and sighed. “You should know I’m not a child, River. I’m like you.”

River glanced over at her and smiled sadly. “Yes, like me and yet not like me. You’re still a child…you don’t know as much as you think you do.”

Li rolled her eyes and reached into the small bag next to her. She pulled out two socks with her still potholder covered hands. One was purple with pink butterflies, the other was dark brown and a little thin in the heel. She tossed her potholders into the bag and pulled the socks on over her delicate hands. River shook her head and checked herself for docking. The captain would be up any minute now and she wanted to make sure everything was set and ready before that. She hoped to get a chance to get off the ship but Mal was unpredictable at the best of times. Tension was high yet again and River could feel the waves of emotion buffeting throughout the interior.

“Why does he fight it so much?” Li was unbuckling the belt from her chair and standing up, walking over to stand behind River. Her sock covered hands held to the back of the seat as River powered the ship down at their docking post.

“It’s in his nature to fight.” River turned to look at Li as she stood and stretched the kinks and cramps from her body. Li was zoning out on her and River saw her gaze turned to the left, watching a very red thread float through the air like a wriggling snake. “Stay out of it. It’s not for you to play with. Knowing too much about his business upsets him. He’s very private.”

“Can’t help that he broadcasts it so much.” Li sighed and reached for River’s hand, squeezing it. “Can’t we help him? Can’t we show him how to fix things?”

River gave Li’s hand a tug and pulled the younger girl to her, folding her arms around her slender shoulders. “Not right now. You’re too young to deal with that kind of thread yet.”

“I know about sex.” Li’s smile was huge on her face. “The act of two people for propagating the species…or the act of showing love in a more physical sense.”

“That’s sex,” River agreed. Li’s hands had been covered in the sleeves of the over large sweater she was wearing and the socks. She pushed the sleeves up Li’s slender wrist and grabbed her wrist gently. Pulling off the sock with the butterflies, River began to trace the lines on Li’s left hand with her finger. “But what they share is deeper. Twisted up goods like deeps roots in the moist earth.”

Li watched River’s finger dance over her skin. “Is that kind of love normal?”

“Simon’s tree never grew quite straight,” River sighed and folded Li’s finger into a fist. “Still beautiful, but altered. Trying to grow away from the sun, but rooted and can’t get away.”

Li pulled her hands away and pulled the sock back onto her hand, then the long sleeves back over her arms. “Why can’t he see?”

“Not like us, mei-mei. Not the same gifts.”

“Where it takes him… both of them, isn’t happy,” Li said and clutched at her right shoulder. “Tree could die…”

“Nope.” River shook her head. She could feel the captain getting closer with his swirling mass of anger. “Roots too strong and deep. But would’ve been so much easier if he had just given it to him…”

“If who had given what to who, lil’ albatross?” Mal asked from the doorway. His arms were folded over his chest and he didn’t look pleased.

River looked back over her shoulder and grinned at Mal. “So many type of gifts, Captain. It’s all in the giving.”

“I don’t have time for this nonsense,” Mal snapped. River Tam didn’t look much like her brother, but he could see it in the eyes. Those were the same colour eyes that always judged Mal and dug into his soul. “We got a job that needs ta get done.” He looked directly at Li and she waved at him with her sock covered hand. “And you, missy, I haven’t decided we’re keepin’ ya here. You stay here and listen to… well, don’t listen to Wash if he talks to you ‘n’ only listen to River if she don’t say somethin’ crazy. You both listen to Zoe. She’s in charge while we’re off ship.”

Li straightened her back and her sock covered hand snapped to her head in a sharp salute. “Sir, yes, sir, Captain Tightpants!”

Mal clasped the bridge of his nose and groaned, “Yep, special kinda hell alright.”

“We’ll stay right here, Captain,” River promised. Her eyes drifted down to Mal’s pants and she snickered behind her hand. “In case we’ve got to make a quick getaway. And at least hell won’t be lonely being so crowded.”

Mal didn’t answer her. Instead he turned and went to the cargo bay where the rest of the crew was gathered, all except Inara. Jayne as usual was toting more weapons than any law abiding man could dream existed and Kaylee was standing by his side. Zoe was solemn as ever before a job, but ready to work. Simon stood away from the rest of the crew, looking down at the floor.

“Time to go over the plan. River ‘n’ Li will stay on the bridge. Kaylee, I want you in the engine room. Inara will stay in her shuttle. Jayne’s with me and Zoe, I want you keeping watch on the ramp.”

Zoe’s eyes narrowed when her usual place by Mal’s side was challenged. “Sir, just because…”

“No, Zoe,” Mal cut her off immediately. “That’s exactly why you’re stayin’ back. I need you to make sure no one gets their hands on either of the girls or the ship.”

One of Zoe’s hands rested on her belly and the other rested on the piece she carried on her belt. “Fine, I’ll play my part, but I don’t like it none. And Jayne, you better watch his back right or you’ll face me.”

“Hey,” Jayne grumbled and patted Vera lovingly. “I do my job. But what about the Doc? How come he gets to slack off?”

“He won’t be slacking off,” Mal said. When he looked at Simon, he noticed the boy was still looking down at the floor with his hands in his pockets. Images of Simon shot up and bleeding haunted his mind. He wouldn’t let that happen again. “He’ll be in the infirmary just in case we have any casualties.”

“He can at least keep watch with Zoe…” Jayne protested.

“He can stay where I tell him ta stay. Zoe needs ta make sure the girls don’t leave the ship and him, too.” He didn’t care if the whole crew was watching, in fact, it was probably better that they were. He didn’t want a repeat performance of what had happened last time Simon left the ship. Walking over to Simon, he reached over and tipped Simon’s chin up with his finger. “You stay where you’re told. I don’t need you running off and causing me a whole mess of trouble, dong ma? [understand?]”

Simon looked up and under his breath he whispered, “I want to go with you, Mal. I’m a man. I don’t need protecting.”

Mal pulled away from touching Simon and his face hardened. “As your captain, this isn’t about protecting you. It’s about protecting the crew from your fuck-ups. You get your gorram [damn] ass back to the infirmary and stay there until I come to get you!”

Simon winced as Mal raised his voice. He took his hands out of his pocket and started to pick at the scab forming over the four marks on his palm. “I… I could do what Jayne said. I could help Zoe. I could…”

Mal didn’t care who in the hell was watching him. He reached out and grabbed Simon by the back of his neck and started to drag him in the direction of the infirmary, not caring that Simon stumbled a little. "Nee tzao ss-ma? [Are you looking to die?] ‘Cause that’s exactly what’ll happen if you try to defy me once more, boy!”

“Mal, that’s enough!” It was Inara calling out from the staircase. She had agreed to stay in her shuttle, but had heard the shouting from across the ship.

Mal didn’t let go of Simon. In fact, his grip tightened as Inara descended the staircase. “Gwon nee tze-jee duh shr. [Mind your own business].”

“It’s okay,” Simon spoke, surprising them both. He knocked away Mal’s hand and tugged at his vest. He glared at Inara with a look that could have killed. “I… I was just going to the infirmary.”

Jayne made an hmphing sound and shook his head. “Ten credits says like hell he is.”

“He will ‘cause I’ll make sure he goes there.” This time Mal’s hand settled on Simon’s lower back. “What are ya’ll starin’ at? Don’t think if none of you acted like this I wouldn’t do the same damn thing!”

“Iffin’ ya tried you’d be a dead man,” Jayne growled under his breath. He stepped closer to Kaylee. “And she bites, so I don’t advise tryin’ that on her neither. Best get your pretty boy pet tucked away in the infirmary so we can get to work. Those jewels aren’t gonna sell themselves.”

Mal tensed with Jayne’s words and he took one step towards him. No one dared to talk to Simon like that. He felt Simon grab his hand and tug on it. “You wanna be shuttin’ your mouth! Or I’ll shut it for you!”

“I ain't no pansy-ass submissive like someone else we know. No need to be yellin' at me and threatening to smack me 'round like I’m someone's whorin' shadow.”

Mal wanted to charge at Jayne and attack him, but instead he did something far more scary to Jayne. He met Jayne’s eyes with a steady gaze and told him in a dangerously calm voice. “Ever say anything like that to him again and when I’m done with ya, you’ll be thinkin’ death at the hands of a Reever is merciful. This ain’t over.”

Simon moved up behind Mal and wrapped his arm around Mal’s waist. He leaned in close and whispered so no one else could hear. “Captain, I’m not worth the trouble. Let it go.”

Mal grabbed Simon’s wrist and turned his own body so that Simon’s arm was pinned painfully behind the doctor’s back. This time it was him who leaned in close and whispered, “Don’t ya ever challenge me in front of my crew again, princess. If I wanna gut Jayne, I damn right will. If he ever talks to you like that again, you tell me. That’s an order.” When Simon didn’t answer right away, Mal jerked his arm. “Dong ma? [understand?]”

“Yes, Captain,” Simon responded immediately. He could feel his cheeks burning with embarrassment from everyone watching his humiliation. What was worse were the other ways he was reacting. He could feel his cock start to fill and knew he had to get away from all these prying eyes. “I’m s-sorry. I’ll do whatever you say.”

Mal wasn’t afraid to meet the stares of his crew. He wasn’t ashamed of his actions and would do whatever he pleased on his own ship. Lessening the tension on Simon’s arm, he gave the boy a little shove to get him moving. He wasn’t stupid and could recognize the signals Simon was blazing off. Contradictory little shit was getting hot over this and if they didn’t have a job to do, he’d do something about it.

“Mal, don’t you dare…” Inara called after him.

It wasn’t Mal who stopped her from continuing, but rather Zoe who had laid her hand on Inara’s shoulder. “Best not get between them right now or you’ll get burned.”

Simon was glad to be away from them all as Mal pushed him down the hall towards the infirmary. Once outside the door, Mal whirled him around, pressing his back against the cool metal. Mal leaned in close, his hands on either side of Simon’s head.

“Seems like a bit of déjà vu here,” Mal growled. “I know you’re smart, but ya keep actin’ suicidal.”

Simon licked his lips and couldn’t help rubbing up against Mal. “I can’t help myself…”

“God, you’re such a whore,” Mal groaned, but his tone wasn’t cutting at all, almost tinged with affection. Despite his resolve and near murderous rage only moments ago, he was starting to soften. “Ya gotta obey me and stay here.”

“I want to obey you,” Simon promised. Mal was pressing up against him and he moaned softly.

Mal raised his hand to Simon’s cheek first and briefly caressed it with the back of his knuckles. He moved his hand quickly down to Simon’s chest where his fingers traced over the plain vest. He pushed down the guilt starting to well up. “I didn’t mean to be so rough with ya. When it’s safer… I’ll take ya off ship sometime. Maybe we’ll go shoppin’ or somethin’. Would ya like that?”

The offer of attention meant more to him than any material object could be. “Yes, Captain. Just promise me you’ll be careful out there. Please?”

“I’ll be as careful as I can. You know as well as I do how smooth these jobs tend to go.” Mal’s attempt at humour fell flat as he watched Simon’s jaw clench minutely. “That was a joke, Simon. As in funny, ha ha.”

Mal had to suck in the groan that threatened to leak out of his throat when Simon pressed the full length of his body up against Mal’s. “Not funny, Captain. Maybe I can give you an incentive to come back in one piece so that my doctoring skills can be rendered useless for once.”

“Another time, Simon. Got a lot to take care of right now and we’re gonna need to have us a serious talk when I get back from this little venture.” Mal forced himself to back away even though his body thoroughly protested the lack of contact. “Whatever this is between us, there’s got ta be some kinda rules put in place. You even realize that you called me Mal in front of everyone out there? I told you before, my name is used in private. Ain’t anyone’s business but ours what goes on in our spare time. Now that we’re pretty much outed to the crew, we’re gonna have to be even more careful.”

Simon’s flushed face deepened to a more vivid shade of red. “I’m sorry about my lack of using titles, Captain.” Simon spat the last word out as if it were poison on his tongue. “Sorry to shame you about our illicit affair.” Simon turned his head away from Mal’s glare. “Though I don’t believe your display of heroics for my honour helped the situation much. Jayne will find a way to make sure now that he has every opportunity to get under my skin about it.”

Mal crossed his arms and rolled his eyes. Taking a step forward, he reached out with one hand and grabbed Simon roughly by the chin, forcing the younger man to look at him. “Your mouth is gonna be your undoing, boy.”

Simon let Mal hold his head still, but he managed to lean in closer, a dark gleam in his eyes. He could tell he was getting the best of Mal’s control, getting complete attention for his behaviour. “And I think your temper will be yours.”

Mal growled low in his throat and closed the distance between them, taking Simon’s mouth like he owned it. He forced his way past soft lips to lay claim to teeth and tongue before pulling back to bite on that plump lower lip. “I think ya enjoy our fights more than ya let on, Simon.” To emphasize his point, Mal reached down and cupped Simon through his pants and gave him a rough squeeze. He was rewarded with a deep groan and a naughty swirl of hips trying to get more friction. “Now’s not the time. But while I’m gone, I’m sure you can find a way to handle this yourself.” Simon started to say something but Mal effectively cut him off. “Consider it an order, not a request. I’ll make sure to give you proper punishment for your lack of respect when I get back.”

“That a threat, Captain?” Simon’s eyes were wide and shining with a mixture of hate and lust.

“Mmmm…consider it a promise. And one I thoroughly intend to keep.”

* * *

The docks on Athens swarmed with activity as Mal and Jayne waded through the many vendors and rush of interplanetary travelers. It didn’t look that much different from any other docking port they’d stopped at. Lots of gaudy trinkets for sale for tourists just passing through, same style foods on a stick, the only difference was the lack of Alliance Feds hanging about. Mal kept his hand on his gun belt as he walked, eyes open and alert, taking in his surroundings. It was all second nature to him now and not just since he took up the salvaging business. It had been engrained in him from spending time as a Browncoat. Right after the war, there were people just looking for a fight with an honest to goodness Independent. Mal had the scars to prove it.

Jayne’s presence to the right and slightly a step behind wasn’t as comforting as Mal wished it would be. Ever since the display in the cargo bay, Jayne had been radiating nothing but aggravation and annoyance. Mal refused to let it get to him. He’d had his say and that was the end of it. Didn’t matter much in the grand scheme of things anyway. So long as they got paid, Jayne would be a happy man and life would go back to the managed chaos that was life on Serenity.

The buildings they were passing were overly lit with flashing neon and holograms beckoning in the travelers with promise of food, lodging, gambling, even seedier deeds if that was your intent. Mal heard the appraising grunt from Jayne as they passed the resident whorehouse, the whores waving and calling from balconies and windows to the men and women on the street.

Wasn’t long and the buildings became much dingier in appearance, paint peeling here and there, windows barred or nailed shut with boards. Mal reached inside his jacket pocket and pulled out the scrap of paper with the address. Glancing at the street markers, he made a left and continued on. This section of the city screamed slums. Garbage lay in every place available, in the road, on the curbs, in corners.

“We gettin’ close yet?” Jayne warily eyed the streets as he fell into step beside Mal.

“Just about. Should be right up ahead. Remember, you don’t say nothin’. Lemme do the talkin’ so we can get this done quick and get outta here.”

Jayne grimaced and cracked his knuckles. “Somethin’ don’t feel right. Know that this Josiah Parish fella checks out from everything we got off the Cortex, but handin’ some young kid over to him in a part of town like this…ain’t right. This ain’t no place for a kid.”

Mal slowed his steps up as they approached their destination. “Don’t go getting’ tetchy on me, Jayne. If things check out, this is where the girl gets delivered. She ain’t our responsibility to begin with. I got enough trouble keepin’ the peace on my ship with the crew that I got, let alone addin’ another reader on board.”

Jayne grumbled something under his breath, Mal catching Simon’s name in the process. He stopped dead and levelled a fiery gaze at Jayne. “Got somethin’ you wanna say, Jayne?”

Jayne shook his head. “Nothin’ that you’d wanna hear. And I ain’t got no urge to be thrown out of no airlocks anytime soon, neither.”

“Good.”

Mal moved to the door of the designated building and gave a quick knock. He waited for a few seconds before the door opened a fraction of an inch. A young man’s face peeked out at him. “Whatcha want?”

Mal’s expression gave away nothing. “I’m here to see Josiah Parish. Got a package for him that’s real important.”

The door closed momentarily and there was the sound of a lock being turned. After a brief interval, the door opened all the way and they were ushered inside. The room was dimly lit, nothing much to see, really. Pretty much all the better, less for someone to hide behind. The man in question stood in the centre of the room, a broad smile on his face that had Mal’s guard instantly up. No person should ever look that happy, especially when it came to the life of a little girl with Alliance-made powers.

“Ah, Captain Reynolds, a pleasure to finally meet you.” Josiah’s gaze flickered over Mal’s shoulder to take in Jayne’s grim countenance. “Are the guns really necessary, Captain?”

Mal gave a small smile of his own. “Deliveries are a tricky business, Mr. Parish. Best to have them around even if they’re not needed. I’m sure you understand.”

There was a flicker of something that crossed the man’s face but it was too quick for Mal to catch. He stood his ground as Parish moved forward. “My cargo? I take it you didn’t bring it with you.”

Mal gave a perfunctory nod. “Cargo’s safe and sound. Can’t say the same for your bodyguard. Looks like she caught a nasty case of somethin’ before she got on board my ship.”

Parish shook his head. “So go the spoils of war, so it seems. But tell me, Captain Reynolds, you didn’t run afoul of any problems on the way here that I should be apprised of?”

Mal’s senses were running on overload. His hand gripped a tighter hold on his gun belt as the eerie feeling swept over him. “No Feds, if that’s what you’re asking. Once we know this trade is on the up and up, we’ll be happy to release your cargo to ya. But as one businessman to another, a show of diplomacy might grease the gears a little quicker, if ya take my meanin’.”

Parish’s grin widened. “Ah, yes. Where are my manners? Your payment is right over here.” He tuned and walked over to where a crate sat against the wall and lifted up a small satchel that had been hidden behind it. He walked back over and tossed Mal the bag. “I’m sure you’ll find everything to your liking.”

* * *

*I’ll make sure to give you proper punishment for your lack of respect when I get back.*

Mal’s words fuelled the fires of Simon’s mind. They made his blood burn with the desire to obey. Simon absolutely despised the feeling of being out of control. His hands clenched into fists and he took a deep breath. Obviously, he had no shame or pride left. Simon closed his eyes and thumped his head back against the wall.

Everyone was where they were supposed to be. And that position was dictated by Mal’s whims. The captain wanted Zoe standing guard by the loading ramp and Simon knew without checking that like a loyal dog, she would be there with her rifle tucked into the crook of her left arm. Simon thumped his head against the wall again, trying to distract himself from the want. He tried to go over what limited knowledge he knew of the plan. The girls would be on the bridge. Kaylee in the engine room. Inara… and Inara would be sulking in her shuttle, worrying about Mal.

And where would he be? He should be in the infirmary prepping just in case something unexpected happened. Hell, something always went wrong. If he was a real doctor, he would ignore the pull of Mal’s words. Instead he pushed away from the wall and walked towards the room he had put his things in. He slid open the door and his eyes settled on the beat up dresser. If he was going to do this… and there was no doubt about that, then he wasn’t going to be the only one who was humiliated.

He opened the dresser drawer and lifted out the shirt that once had been his. Now he knew it belonged to the captain, just like the cross did. As his fingers touched the elegant fabric, a soft moan escaped his lips as the powerful lust surged.

Simon’s lips slipped into a smirk. “You want me to follow your orders? Fine, Captain.”

Even now, he couldn’t fight the urge and folded the shirt with crisp lines. Holding it tightly to his chest, Simon left the room and slid the door behind him closed. This was not the right place for what he needed.

His footsteps echoed hollowly down the passage as he walked towards his destination. Simon only stopped for a moment outside of the ladder leading down to the captain’s quarters. While Mal was away, out risking his life like he always did, Simon needed to be close to him some way. With one hand he clutched the shirt to his chest as he climbed down the ladder and closed the hatch.

He was alone in the room with only the overwhelming presence of Mal. The infirmary might be his home, but this place was the true heart of Serenity for him. It was the only place Mal had ever showed him even a scrap of real affection.

Simon set the folded shirt down on the bed carefully. With his eyes locked on the stains marring the fabric, he slowly started to unbutton his vest. He folded the plain, black vest and set it on a chair. The vest was followed by his white shirt that was also meticulously folded and placed on the chair. His pants received the same treatment until he was standing naked in the middle of Mal’s room.

Simon knew he shouldn’t do it and yet he moved over to Mal’s dresser and pulled out the bottom drawer. At the bottom, he found exactly what he was looking for… Mal’s silver cross. The leather thong that had snapped when Mal pulled it off his neck was retied and Simon slipped it over his head.

Looking into the mirror, he looked at himself standing naked in Mal’s room, wearing the cross Mal told him he had no right to wear.

“Prove me wrong, Mal,” Simon whispered. In defiance, he used the captain’s name, but knew this was the only place he had been given permission to do so.

Simon could see the reflection of the small room in the mirror. He noticed that Mal’s bed was still unmade and it called to him. Already falling so far into temptation, why not lie down in Mal’s bed? And so only seconds later, Simon found himself in Mal’s bed and sniffed the pillow that still smelled of the man. Despite the eroticism of this, he knew time was of the essence. The captain had given him two orders and he had to fulfill this one before he could move back to the infirmary.

Simon began by rubbing the cross against his chest, cherishing the feel of the cool metal. He picked it up, tracing his lips and his tongue slipped out to taste it. Somehow, he felt like he could taste his blood mixing in with the essence of the cross. Or maybe it was the bitterness of Mal’s lost faith that taunted Simon?

Keeping one hand on the cross, Simon began to trace his hand down his chest towards his groin. Just before he was about to touch himself, he grabbed the shirt lying beside him. It was the luxurious fabric that wrapped around his cock, sliding over the sensitive head.

“Mal…” Simon groaned and caressed his balls with the fabric. He wished that it was Mal’s hands pleasuring him and wanted to scream with frustration that it wasn’t true.

Simon began to wonder how Mal was going to punish him and his cock pulsed against the silky material. Would Mal touch him, only to take it away? Mal’s rejection had always been rejection of Simon, not as any part of sex. Maybe Mal would deny Simon and make him pleasure the captain? Simon closed his eyes and imagined himself naked, down on his knees. He would be hard, but Mal would ignore Simon’s need, instead using Simon’s mouth however he wanted.

His mind slipped even deeper into the fantasy. Maybe Mal would want to punish him by keeping him restrained and close? Simon shivered as he thought of being tied to Mal’s bed and completely at the older man’s mercy. He gripped his cock tighter, crying out from the sweet friction and torture.

“M-Mal!” Simon cried out and his back arched as he came.

It was so tempting just to fall asleep on Mal’s bed with the cross on his chest and the stained shirt lying across his groin. He could just imagine Mal’s rage at discovering him like this and Simon would certainly be guaranteed attention, evsn if it was negative. But Mal wanted him to be at his post in the infirmary and Simon would not disobey that direct order.

Even though fatigue still plagued him, Simon sat up in the bed. His hand went immediately to the cross and he knew even though he wanted to keep it, he wasn’t worthy to wear something this special. Wanting to prolong wearing it as long as possible, Simon got out of the bed and started to dress. Once he finished the last button of his vest, Simon looked into the mirror again. Still in the plain, practical clothes, Simon felt ugly.

“Vain like a woman,” Simon mocked himself with distain.

He didn’t deserve the type of erotic punishment he fantasised about. Mal would probably lay a beating on him that would make the others look like love taps. Simon gazed back at the rumpled bed and stained shirt lying in open sight. When Mal got back, he would know exactly what Simon had done. Mal deserved to know the full extent of Simon’s mistakes. Taking off the cross, Simon laid it onto the crumpled shirt, his fingers lingering on it before he straightened up.

In a moment of perversity, he laughed, “Can’t ignore me now, Captain.”

* * *

Mal snatched the bag out of the air. With a quick glance at Jayne to make sure Parish was being seen to, he uncinched the drawstring. Bundles of beautiful cashy money looked back at him. Never one to take a chance, Mal reached in and began rifling through the bundled stacks. All the bills were given a quick going over. He’d learned the hard way before by checking only one stack. A few simple bills on the top and then blank paper stuck underneath had left him quite a bit short on one of his first times out. He wouldn’t make the same mistake twice.

“Satisfactory, Mr. Reynolds?” Parish’s smile was predatory, his refined voice grating on Mal’s last nerve. *Something isn’t right here. Something’s off.*

Mal tossed the payload back to Jayne, who quickly stashed it into the backpack he’d been carrying. Mal knew it was time to feel this thing out. He didn’t want another reader on board his ship, didn’t need another distraction or complication, but this feeling of off-ness was beginning to get to him. And he would never be able to let go of any guilt if he willingly turned an innocent young girl over only to have her recaptured by a bunch of maniacal Alliance enthusiasts. “Well now, seems to be. Of course, I do have a few questions. It’s not like what I’m carryin’ is beholdin’ to me or nothin’, but I feel a sense of…moral obligation…if ya will, as to what will happen to the girl. We’ve taken quite a shine to her.”

Parish’s brows shot up high on his forehead. “She’s awake? She’s supposed to still be in stasis. Her condition, Mr. Reynolds, is very, very important to me.”

Mal gave a nod of his head and lifted a hand in truce. “Small problem with her cryo unit, Parish. It wasn’t exactly built with care. A pretty shoddy job, to say the least about it. Our Doc’s been lookin’ out for her. Far be it for me to deliver damaged goods to my client. Well…” Mal forced the laugh out of his throat. He had to play off the nonchalance if he was going to get to the bottom of things. “At least, I don’t want to damage her anymore than she’s already been damaged, that is.”

Parish’s face relaxed slightly. “Has she said anything?”

Mal shrugged. “Just a few simple answers to some very simple questions, name and the like.”

Parish nodded, but even though his face was relaxed, Mal could see that his body was tightening, seeming to coil in on itself, readying for a future attack on him and Jayne.

“My question, Mr. Parish, the one that seems to be pickin’ at my brain for these last few minutes, is why in the ‘verse a man of your stature and upbringin’ would choose to meet with us? I expected a little more of an interrogation by your man at the front door seeing as how Diane was the one who was supposed to be deliverin’ your goods to you. I mean, follow my reasonin’ here if ya will, you probably assumed that we’d be comin’ along with her, but to open your door to a known fugitive without your cargo’s bodyguard? Seems a might foolish to me. Unless,” Mal’s hand was a blur as he brought his gun up to bear on Parish’s rather shocked figure, “you already knew that Diane was going to be dead.”

“I don’t understand.” Parish was moving slowly now, towards the left so as not to back into Jayne who stood glowering behind him, Vera drawn and at the ready. “There was reason to believe that something could have gone wrong. That something would have happened that we couldn’t have accounted for. The facility the girl was taken from…”

“Don’t give me that line of go-se [crap], Parish. Diane was one of your own. And yet, you didn’t ask a single question about her. Your underground movement can’t be that big that you wouldn’t need every undercover agent that you can possibly get your hands on. You can’t risk losing a single person. Not to mention we’re sitting on a good size stack[what?] of jewels that went along with this trade and not so much as a single peep about those as well. Makes a man mighty suspicious when you have his women and his money.” Mal took a step closer to the man, Jayne mirroring his steps efficiently. “Who are you? Who are you working for?”

Parish’s grin was feral and wild. “I wouldn’t come any closer if I were you, Mr. Reynolds. Unless you wish to find yourself bleeding out onto a dirty concrete floor.” Parish’s eyes were locked on Mal’s chest. As he looked down, he found a nice bright red dot where a bright red dot wasn’t supposed to be on his coat, positioned right over top of his heart.

“Gorram [Damn] it, Mal. Laser sights. There’s someone else in here.” Jayne’s voice was anything but pleased.

“Great observation, Jayne. Why don’t you tell me something I don’t know.” Mal’s gaze fixed on Parish. “You need to learn to work your cover a little better, friend. This is quite a bad bit of show on your part. Alliance was never good at this sort of thing.”

“Who said I was Alliance?” Parish took a step forward and held out his hand. “Your gun, Captain. Hand it over.” With a grunt of exasperation, Mal released his weapon. “You as well, Mr. Cobb. Put it on the floor and kick it off to the side.”

Jayne’s hands tightened on Vera’s stock. “Ain’t no damn way to treat a fine piece of machinery as Vera. Downright blasphemy to go and…”

Mal’s voice broke in. “Jayne?”

The merc looked over at Mal with tortured eyes. “Captain?”

“Do as the man says.”

“But, Mal…”

“Jayne, there’s a pretty little dot on your forehead.”

There was a metallic thunk as Vera hit the floor and a rather ear screeching grind as she was sent sliding.

“Just ain’t right, Mal.”

Mal’s gaze never left Parish’s face. “When we’re finished here, I promise ya can take it out of our hospitable contact’s hide.”

Parish reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a small comm unit. “Your docking location, Reynolds.”

“Ain’t gonna happen.”

Parish quirked an eyebrow. “Stubborn to the end, that’s how you want to play this out? I’m not Alliance, Captain Reynolds, so I don’t have to play by any rules at all. I was trying to go about this nicely, but if you refuse to play the game I can always go about it in another fashion.”

Mal wasn’t expecting the punch, never saw it coming. It landed squarely in his gut, doubling him over and forcing all the air out of his lungs. His eyes teared up and the sound of blood in his ears increased tenfold. Rough hands forced him back into a standing position, hands that held him from behind. Parish’s boys were finally out to play. “You have no idea what it is you’re carrying. You may think you know, but she’s so much more than your broken River will ever be.” Parish moved away and Mal found himself staring at Jayne’s restrained form as well. One major bad guy and two accomplices, this was turning out to be one helluva day for him. “She’s tagged you know, our little Li. But it was so much easier to just let you come to me. No muss, no fuss. Did you really think that after River Tam’s escape they wouldn’t make sure they had a way to track their project’s every movement if it happened again? She’s the prize, Captain, but this time the Alliance was willing to go for a few consolations as well. The real Parish is probably spilling everything he knows right now: names, places, plans. This resistance movement is going to be squashed once and for all.”

Mal let his weight sag a bit, allowing his captor to grip him tightly before kicking out with both legs and connecting with the man’s midsection. He got a little bit of satisfaction before his arm was twisted almost to the point of breaking. Hands slid into his hair and yanked his head up. The man who wasn’t Parish leered at him. “How about a bit of a history lesson, Captain? Let me give you some peace of mind before I send you on your journey to hell.”

* * *

Simon moved the scalpel a few millimetres to the left. It was the fourth time he had repositioned it. His medical instruments were close to matching the mental picture of perfection he had in his head from MedAcad, but it was somehow never quite right. Mal had told him to stay in the infirmary in case anything went wrong. He wanted everything to be perfect should the need arise. Simon scowled at the scalpel again and moved it to the right this time.

Simon tapped the stainless steel table with his finger. The infirmary was spotless. He had reread his latest downloads from the Cortex three times. It almost made him wish he wasn’t gifted with speed reading. He needed something… anything to take his mind off Mal. He could recite every medical journal article by heart relating to any and all injuries Mal had ever obtained. Simon knew that Mal’s last wound had never quite healed right. He suspected there was residual nerve damage and considering that Mal’s nervous system had been butchered during battle field operations, anything was possible. It was like wires could have crossed, causing Mal shadows of pain, when there shouldn’t be any.

There were procedures he could perform to help Mal, but they would require state of the art equipment that he didn’t have access to on Serenity. But more importantly, they would require Mal’s cooperation and Simon knew he couldn’t get that. He still remembered the way Mal glared at him while he reattached the captain’s ear. Mal had looked in the mirror and grunted, “Looks crooked to me, but I guess ya can’t do any better.” Sometimes he wondered if the only reason Mal cooperated at all was a lack of any other option.

“Van Gogh on Earth-That-Was cut his off,” Li’s voice interrupted Simon’s thoughts. “Artists are always temperamental and more than a touch of crazy. They say medicine is an art…”

He looked up to see her standing in the doorway. “Li, you’re supposed to be with River.”

“I’m supposed to be dead, but I still walk.” She walked into the infirmary and smiled at him. “Not gonna leave the ship. Promise. Not my place.”

“We can’t leave the ship,” Simon told her. “The captain…”

“You’re all twitchy, Simon,” Li interrupted. “River sent me down because she couldn’t hear the ship. She told me to tell you to shut up. Do you want to tell me anything to tell her?”

Simon’s mouth gapped open a little. “N-no… I don’t have anything to tell her.”

Li was going to pick up one of the shiny scalpels, but sensed that it would violate Simon’s space if she did so. “River says you’re different, but the same.”

This made him smile. “River says a lot of things, mei mei.[little sister]”

“She says that I’m not supposed to talk about you and the captain. He likes to touch you…”

Simon looked down at his shoes and felt a blush rising on his cheeks. “I think that’s wise advice.” He felt like he was dealing with River right after he had rescued her. “You have to respect people’s privacy.”

“There is no privacy on Serenity. Thin minds. Thin walls. I can hear the screaming.”

“Li…” The blush felt like it was burning now. “Let’s talk about something else, please?”

Li rolled her eyes and she repositioned the socks on her hand. “Wanna talk about how afraid you are?”

“Not especially.” Simon turned his back to her and repositioned the scalpel that irked him no end.

“You’re twitchy,” Li said again. “And you’re afraid for him, but you’re ignoring the little voice in the back of your head.”

“You mean the one that says this is not a conversation we should be having?”

Li shook her head and considered the man who was a big brother to her, even though they barely knew each other. The pain and experiments of their pasts united her with the Tams in a way that would never be surpassed. Simon was a different kind of experiment than her and River, but he was just as damaged. “No, the other voice. The one you ignore. The one that wants you to think about and know about Mal.”

As Li mentioned Mal, the man immediately came to Simon’s mind. He could picture him and also smell him. “I think you should go back to the bridge now. Promise me that you’ll go straight back to River?”

Simon’s face had gone pale and Li could see the beads of sweat starting to form on his forehead. The voice was starting to become more insistent, she could tell. She tried to listen to it, but it was unclear. It was something that only connected Simon to Mal. It was something intense that made Simon what he was. The doctors back at the Academy would have been so happy to learn that Simon wasn’t a failed experiment after all.

“I’ll go back to River,” Li promised. She watched as Simon started to feel the physical pain and doubled over. It was natural to want to go to him and offer him comfort. But she wasn’t the one Simon needed to relieve the searing pain. She slipped out of the room unnoticed and cringed when she felt Simon screaming.

The pain was incredible and blinding. It swirled around in his mind and his nervous system. His shoulder throbbed where he remembered Mal had been shot. Other parts of his body seemed to be seared and burned where Mal had last touched him. *He won’t touch you again.* And that’s when the pain became centred on his chest. It felt like a shot ripping through him.

*A promise.* The voice taunted him. *He’ll die. They’ll shoot him. They’ll kill your keeper.*

Simon’s eyes had been squeezed shut, but now he blinked away the tears. “M-Mal?”

Imagines in his mind of the usually strong captain turned to Mal crumpled on the floor. The ground beneath him was soaked with precious life blood.

*Dead. Dead. Dead. His murder will be on your hands.*

Simon stumbled to his feet and had to brace himself against the wall to stay upright. He had to get to Mal before that happened. Because he knew without a doubt that if he didn’t do something that Mal would die. Mal would leave him all alone in the black. Simon was afraid of being alone in the vastness of the black and Mal was the only thin thread that stopped him from being eaten by the shadows.

He knew in this moment that he had been born for one person. Meant to be an extension and embodiment of their desires. Mal was his keeper. The man would decide if he lived or died, but Simon must always protect and obey him. Simon managed to push back the pain as his stride quickened on his way to Jayne’s quarters.

*Follow orders. Pain is irrelevant. Follow orders. Pain is irrelevant. Follow orders. Pain is irrelevant.*

He would need a weapon small enough to conceal, but powerful enough to kill. Killing with a gun was so impersonal. Not as beautiful and clean as with a knife. And not as hands on as snapping the victim’s neck.

He would do whatever it took to find his way through the black to protect Mal.

* * *


	14. Chapter 14

Mal stood, his body trembling in silent rage as his captor smiled evilly at him. He heard Jane’s whispered curses and wanted nothing more than to echo them himself. Children…the Alliance had used so many of them in an experiment so devious, so horrible that it was almost impossible to swallow. But Mal had seen the Alliance in action before, knew the kind of sympathy it could elicit if the stakes were high enough for their own personal gain.

“So, Captain Reynolds, do you think you really have a chance in hell of keeping her from me now? Either of them, for that matter? You tell me where you’re docked and I’ll make you a deal. You can keep River and I’ll take your stowaway. No muss, no fuss and we’ll both be on our merry ways.”

Mal tried very hard to keep a straight face but the images of those children kept flashing through his head. So many dead, no chance at all for a normal life while they were even here. He had to buy some time, had to think of a way to get them all out of here.

“Why so free with the details then? Don’t think your employers would be happy to know that you’ve gone and let the cat out of the bag.”

The man calling himself Parish grinned as he stepped forward and poked Mal in the chest. “They’ll never know because you’ll be dead. I’m sure you’ve heard the old Earth-That-Was adage, dead men tell no tales. I’ve heard a lot about you, Captain. I know that you have morals. Very funny thing to have considering your line of work. What better way to have my fun with you before you die than to let you know what it is you can’t fix?”

Mal shifted a bit, trying hard to keep himself from pummelling the man in front of him. He was right, though. Mal was just itching to do something about the smug grin on the guy’s face. His sense of justice wouldn’t be satisfied without that at the moment. “Someone will eventually put this together. When they do, it ain’t gonna be a pretty picture for the Alliance. Or for you, I have a feelin’. You’re in this just as deep.”

The operative started off ranting about how wonderful the Alliance was and Mal found himself bored with the usual ‘all-hail’ speech. Luckily, the man was too busy pacing to notice that Mal’s gaze was taking in every angle of the warehouse. Two guards/snipers somewhere along the upper catwalk with their laser-sighted weapons, one roll-door to the back…looked like a docking bay area…and the door they came through. A single window ran along near the top of one wall so that anyone on the catwalk could look outside. Wasn’t much other than a few crates and some concrete support pillars for cover but it would have to make do.

Mal wasn’t sure how long it had been since they’d gotten there; he was even more surprised when he realized there was no red dot to be found on the front of his shirt any longer.

A surge of euphoria lit through his blood. Zoe, she had gone against his orders and now she had taken out the guards/snipers with the ease of years’ practice. He just wished that the catwalk was more illuminated so he could see the damage she had done. Oh, she’d get a quick rebuke for going against his orders but he’d be more than glad to thank her once they were in the free and clear.

Mal made it a point to keep their captor talking, not letting the man get a chance to pay attention to where his men had disappeared to. Wasn’t all that hard. He was content to stroke his own ego and spout nothing but praise for the men who had hired him to do his job.

Mal had tuned out all the sounds around him, something he had learned to do in the midst of a battle and listened for what was going on overhead. He could hear the slight rustle of clothing being moved, a drag and scratch sound that said a body was being pulled across the metal grating of the catwalk. Smirking, he turned his attention back to the matter at hand. It would be any second now and Zoe would swing into action, take this fake Parish out of the picture for good so they could get the hell out of there and off this planet.

So when Simon’s voice called down from the catwalk, it threw Mal completely off balance.

“Stop where you are!”

Mouth hanging open for just a moment before he realized it, Mal snapped it closed with an audible clacking of teeth. He watched as Simon carefully picked his way down the only staircase leading up to the catwalk. The kid had a look about him that was something different, a much more relaxed hold on the gun then Mal would have ever thought possible of their stuffy, uptight medic. Unfortunately, their captor didn’t release his hold on his own gun. Instead, he took a few careful steps back and kept his piece levelled on Mal.

“Put your gun down.” Simon’s voice was authoritative and deadly in its tone.

“Who in the gorram [damn] hell do you think you are?” Not-Parish barely even blinked as he tracked Simon’s movement down the steps. A sudden movement from Jayne had the man reflexively tightening his grip on the trigger. “Wouldn’t move if I were you, ol’ boy. Either of you, for that matter. You stop now or I’ll shoot him dead. He’s no use to me anymore now that I’m so close to having what I need.”

Simon’s laugh was downright scary and yet he still kept moving down the stairs, his gun sighted solely on the man holding his friends hostage. “You pull that trigger and it’ll be the last thing you do. You may kill him but you’ll never get to me fast enough. You’ll still be dead and we’ll still have the girl.”

Not-Parish lowered his weapon, not dropping it. “I’ll give you half of the reward for that girl.”

“I don’t think I want your tainted money.” Simon’s voice was hard-edged, each word clipped as he reached the bottom of the stairs. “Now, you’re going to let them walk over here with no problems or else I’ll shoot you. First the kneecaps, which I hear are quite painful. Then I’ll go just a little at a time. A few grazes here and there, a bullet in the thigh, maybe in the gut. A gut shot is always one painful and long way to go, leaking out slowly onto a cold concrete floor knowing that your life is just slipping right out between your fingers.” Simon grinned. “Captain, Jayne…if you’d retrieve your guns now and make your way over, we can get out of here a lot quicker.”

The two henchman that had been holding onto Jayne and Mal let go, stepping back from them with hands raised. They carried no guns, the operative having decided it wasn’t worth the risk. Jayne moved first, rushing over to pick up Vera with a tender, careful hand. He cradled the gun to his breast as if it were an injured child. Once satisfied that she was okay, he started towards Simon, careful not to walk within the line of fire of the other man’s gun. Mal was only a few seconds slower, grabbing at his gun belt and starting to holster his own gun before heading over towards Simon. That boy had a lot to explain to him when they got back to Serenity.

It wasn’t until Mal was standing right beside him that things got hairy. One minute he was walking past Simon and the next minute he was underneath him with the concrete at his back, the sounds of ricocheting gunfire echoing in his ears. When he looked to his right, he saw Jayne standing with Vera still pointed in their captor’s direction, a small tendril of smoke wafting around her barrel.

It wasn’t until Simon started to lift off of him that he noticed the spreading red of blood on the doc’s shirt sleeve.

“Are you okay, Captain?” Simon asked him. His gaze was already searching for any injuries.

“Ta ma dah! [Fuck!],” Mal snapped, getting quickly to his feet. “You’re asking me if I’m okay? I’m great! You’re shot!”

Simon looked confused for a moment, as if he didn’t feel any pain. When Mal reached out and grabbed his wrist, he looked to see the growing blood stain on his right sleeve.

“Fahng-sheen [Don’t worry],” Simon assured Mal. All of his attention was still focused on his captain. The intense, panicky feeling at the pit of his stomach that Mal would die today was beginning to lessen. “I’m fine.”

“You’re bleeding.”

“I’ll be fine,” Simon insisted again. Now was not the time for the captain to show concern for him. They had to get back to safe ground. He pulled his wrist away from Mal and grabbed a gun he had taken from one of the fallen mercenaries. He had put it in the waistband of his pants and handed it to Mal. “Just in case we encounter any more trouble.”

Mal looked at the pistol and knew it was not from Serenity’s armoury. “The other men?”

“Dispatched, Captain,” Simon reported. The look in the doctor’s eyes and his demeanour right now reminded Mal eerily of the war. “They are no longer a threat, but we need to get out of the vicinity before his backup comes since the other two who were holding you have taken off.”

Mal nodded and took the pistol, not liking the fact that it was covered in blood. “This ain’t over, Doc. Not by far.”

“You can punish me when we get back to the safety of Serenity. We need to move, Captain.”

“Don’t give me ruttin’ orders, boy,” Mal growled. But at the same time he made eye contact with Jayne and told him, “Let’s get back to the ship!”

Jayne led the way down the corridor, past the bodies on the floor. Mal couldn’t tell by looking at them if they were dead or not. Normally Simon would have stopped to help, but now the lives he might have taken didn’t register with him. Neither did the pain of his wound. Mal watched Simon carefully and the younger man didn’t favour his good arm over the bleeding limb. On the way back to Serenity, Simon was every inch the perfect soldier. Mal watched him keep a careful lookout and his weapon hidden from the crowd, but still easily accessible. It was downright spooky. Even Jayne sensed something was off and kept glancing back to give Simon funny looks.

As they approached Serenity, Zoe looked genuinely surprised to see Simon with them. She cocked her shotgun and looked around the perimeter. “Any trouble, sir?”

“Buckets,” Mal answered back and nodded his head at Simon. “Starting with him.”

“I didn’t leave my post,” Zoe assured him. “Not once.”

Mal waved them all inside and they secured the hatch behind them. “Didn’t think ya did. Question is, how did he do it?”

Simon didn’t look disturbed that they were talking about him like he wasn’t there. He stood with a blank look on his face and pistol still in his hand. Zoe cocked her head to the side and contemplated him.

“Something’s not right, sir,” Zoe said. “Don’t feel right.”

“I know,” Mal agreed. He walked over to the intercom and flicked it on. “Albatross, we gotta fly.” His first thought was to call Kaylee to see if she could draw Simon out, but that was only for a moment. He didn’t want to expose her to Simon until he figured out what was wrong with the Doc. “Kaylee, stay in the engine room. Just in case we gotta burn bright.”

He walked over to Simon and held out his hand. The command went unsaid and he waited to see if Simon would obey. Simon didn’t hesitate and handed Mal the weapon. Mal in turn handed the pistol to Jayne and grabbed Simon’s wounded arm, just below the blood soaked shirt. Simon didn’t flinch, only considered Mal with those dark, empty eyes. Mal kept his own piece on him, just in case.

He switched his grip to the uninjured arm and tugged on it until Simon followed after them. Looking over his shoulder, he looked at Zoe, “Get us outta here safe. I’ll deal with him.”

Shortly thereafter, Mal had Simon standing in the centre of his quarters. He hadn’t even risked taking Simon to the infirmary before he could control him. Reaching under his bunk, he pulled out the medkit he kept there for emergences. Any other time, he knew he could have expected a lecture from Simon about respecting his skill as ship’s medic. But there was no comment now from the young man.

Simon stood ramrod straight as Mal undid the buttons of his vest and pushed it off his shoulders. There wasn’t even a slight twitch when Mal took off his shirt and the material caked with dried blood pulled away painfully from the wound.

Not sure why he did it, Mal leaned in close and whispered into Simon’s ear. “Stand down.”

Simon’s reaction was minimal, but encouraging. His shoulders relaxed and some humanity returned to his gaze. “You were in danger…”

In this moment, Simon reminded Mal of those kids playing soldiers back in Serenity Valley. Heroes, not by choice, but simply because they were unlucky enough to live. Walking the fine line between being human weapons and blowing their own brains out.

“Not in danger anymore,” Mal assured him. “You’re hurt.”

Simon considered his arm and seemed to notice the wound for the first time. He eyes looked a little more vulnerable when he looked up Mal. “But you’re not.”

Mal started to clean the wound, trying not to let the words affect him. “Don’t need no one else dyin’ for my sake. You wanna tell me what in the gorram [damn]hell you were doing?”

“Saving your life.” There was no tinge of arrogance as it would have sounded like coming like from Jayne. Simon still sounded like a soldier reporting the fact to his superior officer.

“I told ya to stay on the ship.” It was perversely satisfying to see Simon wince when Mal poured antiseptic over the graze. “You disobeyed me.”

“I did,” Simon agreed. He was watching with critical eyes as Mal tied a gauze bandage and he chastised himself for thinking about medicine when he should be focusing on Mal. “It was an acceptable risk. I deserve to be punished.”

“Gorram [Damn] right, ya do!” Mal snapped. He threw the rest of the gauze into the medkit and slammed the lid shut. “What in the hell were ya thinkin’? Ya could’ve gotten yourself killed! Stupid fool boy. And what the hell was that in there? You can’t hit the broad side of a space freighter and all of a sudden you’re a commando?”

“I did what was necessary,” Simon answered. He was starting to feel the throbbing pain in his arm, so he used his other hand to unbuckle his belt. Pulling it out from his belt loops, Simon folded it in half. Taking a fortifying, deep breath, Simon brought the leather belt to his lips and kissed it. He held out the belt to Mal and waited for him to take it.

Mal was trying to figure out what the hell Simon was doing. He watched as Simon moved with eerie grace to stand in front of the ladder. Simon reached out with shaking hands and grasped the rungs of the ladder, spreading his legs out.

Mal walked up behind Simon and took the edge of the folded belt, running it down Simon’s spine. He watched as Simon shivered and heard the younger man’s breath hitch. “Ya expect me to beat the shit outta ya, don’t ya?”

“Yes, sir,” Simon answered. His voice cracked at the end and his usually proud shoulders slumped.

Mal pulled the belt away and grabbed both ends, snapping it to make a loud noise. He watched Simon flinch and leaned in close again. Kissing the base of Simon’s neck between his shoulder blades, he whispered, “Ya want me to break you.”

Mal dropped the belt and Simon flinched again with the noise. He put his hands on Simon’s hips, gently turning him around. Keeping one hand on Simon’s hip, Mal put two fingers under Simon’s chin and raised his downcast gaze. The brown eyes that met his were tortured.

“Can’t break what’s already broken…” Simon whispered back.

The hand on Simon’s chin moved to the back of his neck, using it to guide Simon to lean against him. He could feel Simon’s knees buckle and he tightened the arm around Simon’s waist. The silence was broken by a deep sob from Simon. Mal dragged him the short distance to his bunk and soon found himself leaning against the wall, with Simon’s head in his lap.

Mal let Simon cry, offering no words of solace, but carded his fingers through Simon’s hair. The younger man wished that the comfort Mal offered was real. “Why are you delaying the inevitable?” Simon finally asked when he had quieted a little.

“Ya talkin’ about your punishment?” Mal asked. When Simon burrowed his face against Mal’s thigh, he knew that was the right question to ask. Simon was trying to distract himself and Mal by starting to nuzzle his crotch. Mal simply sighed and continued to caress Simon’s hair. “It’s not all bad, ya know. I’m still alive.”

In that split second, things could have gotten much better between Mal and Simon. Mal was starting to feel a hint of forgiveness for the wrecked younger man. But fate had never been kind to either Mal or Simon. Mal’s eyes drifted from Simon to wander over the room and that’s when he saw it. He saw his cross laid out on the stained shirt he had kept hidden from Simon.

Mal’s fingers tightened in Simon’s hair painfully. “Oh, I was wrong, Doc. I think things are about to get much worse.”

* * *

Jayne was wired.

He was practically pacing in his bunk. One moment he was sitting on the bed cleaning away the grime from Vera, the next moment he was over at the sink staring at his reflection. The strange feeling inside him kept eating away, making him feel as if he was drifting out in the black with nothing to hold him down.

Jayne was a little uncertain of his sanity.

No way in hell could the doc have done what he thought he’d done. The kid had no military training, no mercenary skills whatsoever. And still, he’d managed to take out two very good sniper/assassins that had every advantage working for them. You could always hear Simon, the man was downright clumsy if he wasn’t in the infirmary. How in the fiery pits of Hades did the snipers not hear him?

Jayne was a little scared.

Not a lot, more like a little jittery if ya got right down to it. Simon babbled a lot. Was something that Jayne found annoying and yet very fun to exploit when he could. Watching the doc turn red was always good for a laugh, at least to him anyway. So the very focused yet cool expression that had stayed on his face the entire time weirded the big merc out. That face had been hard as stone, cool as ice. Took a long time to perfect that kinda look.

Jayne wanted answers…but that would mean having to go River to get them.

It wasn’t the first time that Jayne wished he’d never joined up with the captain and crew of Serenity and from the look of things, it wouldn’t be the last.

* * *

She knew that he was coming to her. He had questions that needed answering. She would give him the answers as best she could. Her mind was drifting, following along the paths taken and the ones that were left behind. Some of those same paths had been blocked, barricaded, or partially swept away by interfering hands. There were still signs though, signs that they had been walked before.

“Li.” The name was spoken very softly. River waited for the younger girl to look up from her drawing. “You have to be quiet. No picking on Jayne while he’s here with us.”

The smaller girl nodded her head. “His threads are like snakes. They won’t stop moving. So many questions.”

River turned the pilot’s chair towards the other station. “Some without any answers yet. No playing with anything, no threads, no thoughts. Stay quiet.” She turned back to the viewport window once she got another committed nod from Li.

Closing her eyes for just a moment, she searched out Simon. He was very hard to read, too many disconnected and intertwined threads of his mind and soul. Every one fighting with the other, trying to gain control or to let it go.

The air stirred behind her and she knew Jayne was standing in the doorway.

“Hello, Jayne.”

“How did you…,” he moved over to stand behind her chair, looking out at the starfield. “Need ta talk to you. S’important.”

“My brother.”

Jayne did something he’d never done in the past, he knelt down next to River’s chair so he could look directly into her face. This sudden bout of fear was stronger than he let on for him to put himself so close to her. He still thought her to be fung lo [loopy in the head] after the knifing incident. Even if she had proven herself back on Miranda, Jayne had a long memory. For just a flash of a second, the faces of people he’d known in the past pressed into her mind’s eye…women, men, mercs, whores. It was enough to make her mind swim into a momentary turmoil and then a quick flash of a Reaver…a Reaver and a small child hiding.

“Somethin’ ain’t right with him, River. Not since Miranda. He’s been, well, un-Simon-like.”

River listened carefully, trying hard to hear what it was that Jayne was trying to say without really saying it. Worry was a bright orange thread that seemed to come from Jayne’s belly.

“Simon has to hide. It gets to be too much so he runs. Fast as fast can be, you’ll never catch me,” River sing-songed, tapping her temple with one slender finger. “He splits.”

Jayne sucked in a breath and released it in a quick breath that hrrmphd through the cabin. “Yeah, he split alright, right off this gorram [damn] ship and right into the lion’s den.” Jayne glanced around River and looked at where Li was engaged in her drawings before looking back at her. “We was as good as dead back there in that warehouse. Don’t make no sense how he could get in there without no one knowin’ about it. It’s almost as if he was a different person.”

Smiling, River shook her head. “Simon was there, the same Simon you know. He had a purpose and saw it through the only way he knew how. He let go.”

With a deep chuckle, Jayne gave River’s knee a quick pat as he stood up. “He let go, alright. Gained a bit of my respect even if it is downright spooky how he did it. Must’ve been a magician in a past life.”

“Some illusions are best left unrevealed until the time is right.” River tensed, her mind capitulating until she felt her stomach clench with dread. Simon, a gun, a knife, a wicked laugh, “my pet”, “follow orders, pain is irrelevant”, white room, red river.

Hands going to her ears, she wished she could block out the sounds, block out the sights. It was useless, her gift and her curse to see, to know. Slowly she came back, stars shining bright in her vision as she found herself looking out the viewport window.

Jayne had taken a step away from her, watching her warily. His whole body was tensed for fight or flight. Instinct was something he trusted. His voice was both hard and soft at the same time, worry for her and worry for himself all wrapped in one vocal package. “You have a nice trip?”

River gave a sigh and waved her hand, dismissing him and the incident. “I’m fine. Shiny.”

Jayne was heading out the door and down the steps but she could still make out the sound of his voice dripping with sarcasm. “Yeah, everyone ‘round this place is gorram [damn] shiny.”

Li was up and moving toward River, her hands still happily tucked into her sock puppets. She reached out and carefully put her hand on River’s shoulder. “Bad one?”

Dropping a kiss to the clothed hand, River managed a small smile. “Had worse, had better.” She watched as Li poked a finger out of the hole in the sock and went to touch her hair. “No, mei-mei [little sister]. This one’s not for sharing.”

* * *

The older man looked around at the carnage that had been left behind. Two dead up on the catwalk, one dead on the lower level floor. It was an unseemly mess. With a shake of his head, he walked over to where the man who called himself Parish lay. The body was no longer bleeding out from the large bullet hole in his chest. Just a corpse in a large red circle was there to see now. Even the bag of money had been taken. Stupidity and no doubt a large amount of pride were the reasons behind this bungled mission.

“Doctor, I think there’s something up here you need to see.”

The man turned to look at the Alliance Lieutenant with a glower. He wasn’t used to being interrupted when he was studying and collecting the data he so desperately needed. No one else dared to speak to him while his attention was elsewhere. With a resigned sense of anger, he followed the young man up the stairs to the second level catwalk where the bodies of the two snipers lay like broken ragdolls. There was no blood to be seen here. They had been dispatched with ease, necks broken quickly and efficiently by a pair of knowing hands. The mercenary, perhaps? Jayne Cobb? Certainly a shot would have been fired if that were the case. No, he would have been way too easy for the snipers to have spotted. It wasn’t until he knelt down next to the body that he noticed the very tiny cut right behind the ear. A small cross was revealed once the blood was wiped away.

“Well, well, well…this is a very interesting development.” He stood up and called down to the ground floor. “Sikes! Get me the case file for patient red, number five-six-two-zero-two, Simon Tam.” Moving quickly over to the other body, the doctor looked behind the other ear to find another cross there. “Most interesting indeed, Simon. And here I thought all that training had been for nothing.”

* * *

“Oh, I was wrong, Doc. I think things are about to get much worse.”

As Mal’s hand tightened in his hair, Simon’s hand tightened in a fist on Mal’s shirt. When he left the cross and shirt on Mal’s bed, he’d wanted Mal to focus all of that intense emotion on him, even if it was negative. But now it was too much. Simon felt himself falling deeper into the swirling depth of pain and sorrow. Caught in a web he had never seen before, now he could feel the threads binding and strangling him.

His hand moved up to Mal’s belt, following the leather to the holster attached to it, wrapping his hand around the butt. “I know you want to do it. You don’t want a burden on your ship. The girls are different, they were never normal… innocent victims.”

“Let go of the gun, Simon…”

“I won’t hurt you… never you,” Simon murmured and kissed Mal’s thigh. “Never hurt any of those I love. But I know the secret burning in the back of your mind. You thought about it. Just end it, Mal.”

Mal let go of Simon’s hair and grabbed his hand, forcing it off the pistol. “Nee tzao ss-ma? Nee-yow wuh-kai chang? [Are you looking to die? You want me to shoot?]

Simon shifted so he could look up at Mal, his head still in Mal’s lap. “It would make your life easier. It would be the ultimate punishment.”

Mal let out a deep sigh and let go of Simon’s hand. He started to card his fingers through Simon’s hair gently again and let his head fall back against the wall.

When Mal didn’t speak right away, Simon said quietly, “If you don’t want to do it, just tell me to do it… however you want, whenever you want. Just… just promise me that you’ll bury my body somewhere. I don’t want to float in the black…”

“Enough,” Mal cut him off with a gentle reprimand. The anger he felt wasn’t gone, but he pushed it deep down. Looking into Simon’s eyes, they reminded him of River’s eyes right after Miranda. And even more frightening was the truth that Simon had been right. There was a tiny part of him that had wanted to get rid of Simon. A fleeting thought that somehow Simon had picked up on. The guilt he felt was immediate and intense. He leaned down and placed a tender kiss on Simon’s lips. “Hush now, Doc. Don’t wanna hear no more talk about death. Seen enough of that today.”

A wounded sound slipped out from Simon’s lips as they kissed. “You think I’m dangerous…”

Mal toed off his boots and started to shift so that he was lying next to Simon on the bunk. He gathered Simon into his arms before he whispered into his ear, “We’re all dangerous in our own way.”

The threads were digging into his mind, but he didn’t think he would remember tomorrow that he had seen them. He could still remember the threads he had savagely cut. “You still need to punish me,” Simon insisted.

“I know ya want me to,” Mal answered. His hand ran continuously over Simon’s chest as if his touch might ground him.

“But you’ll punish me?”

“Yes, but it’ll be on my terms.” Mal held Simon tighter when the ship shuddered as it lifted off. Serenity was the symbol of freedom to him after the war and had grown into a home for his chosen family. The weight of everything could crush his sanity, but right now he was just happy they were alive. Mal kissed the back of Simon’s head and whispered into his hair. “Enough gorram [damn] complications for today. Go to sleep, Doc.”

* * *

If you looked at Simon standing in the infirmary, dressed sombrely and cataloguing his surgical equipment, you never would have know only a few hours ago he had killed two men. When Mal had woken up, he had been spooked to find he was alone and scrambled out of his quarters to find Simon. The boy never should have been able to sneak away without him waking up. It was another clue that everything was not as it seemed when it came to their good doctor. He had been expecting something terrible, not this tableau of normalcy.

When he came around the corner, Simon looked up and smiled at him. “Hello, Captain. I was expecting you. And no need to worry, I’ve steered clear of the other crew like I knew you would want.”

“Right…” Mal said and stepped into the infirmary, closing the door behind him. “Where were you?”

“I went back to my room. I hope you don’t mind, I moved my things into one of the spare passenger quarters since River should stay with Li. I know you didn’t want me staying in the infirmary,” Simon answered. He scrunched his brows together, then moved a pair of scissors slightly to the left on the surgical tray. “I cleaned up and then came here. I redressed my wound.”

“Do you remember…”

Simon looked up, his face impassive. “The incident? I know what I need to know.”

“Then you know we’re all humped,” Mal told him. He reached out and drew down the blinds to the windows of the infirmary. Moving over to the intercom, he pressed the button. “Zoe, I need a status report.”

Her voice crackled back over the intercom. “Free and clear, sir. Do you want me to follow the backup plan we discussed?”

“To the letter. I’ve got some business to take care of in the infirmary. If you need me…”

“I’ll buzz, sir.” With that the line went dead and Mal knew Zoe would take care of things until he was done with this.

Mal turned and considered Simon before he spoke. He knew that if he didn’t get Simon under control, then everything could spiral even more out of control. Simon had turned his back on Mal, trying to give him privacy. The room was small enough that it took only a few steps for Mal to come up behind Simon. He leaned in close and put both hands on Simon’s hips.

“We got the matter of that punishment to deal with, Doc.”

“Whatever you want…” Simon hesitated before he continued. “I can… heal myself during or afterwards should you want to continue… or prolong the pain.”

Mal kissed the back of Simon’s neck. “There are different kinds of punishments. Time you realized that.”

Simon couldn’t mask the shiver that swept through his body at Mal’s words. “I’m sorry I touched your cross without your permission.”

“That’s a start,” Mal praised him and nuzzled at his neck. “But not enough. You keep pushing me and pushing…you’re selfish, wanting my attention. A selfish, reckless boy who’s gonna get yourself hurt or even killed. You gotta learn you can’t do anything like that without consulting me first. Tell me why, Simon.”

“Because I belong to you…” The words were breathed reverently, but barely above a whisper.

“Always remember that,” Mal growled and bit the sensitive neck. Maybe if he told Simon what he wanted to hear, then the boy would stop acting like a gorram [damn] idiot. “Remember you belong to me before you talk about offing yourself again. Your punishment is gonna remind you who you belong to. Bend over the bed…”

Simon didn’t hesitate and bent over the waist high medical bed. There was so many things that Mal could do to him with access to the medical equipment. The tally of scalpels ran through his mind and he was glad he kept them sharp. Whatever Mal wanted from him, Simon would give it without crying out because he deserved this punishment.

Mal started by unbuckling Simon’s pants and pushing them down to reveal his ass. “Your punishment is real simple, Doc. Since you seem to insist on acting like a whore, I’m gonna treat you like one from now on. Whenever I want to fuck ya… I will. Anywhere, anytime…”

“Please…” Simon begged, not believing that Mal considered this a punishment.

Mal started to slowly unbuckle his belt. “Shut up.” He saw something that would suit his purposes. It was a tube of antibiotic jelly that Simon had used to treat his wound. Squirting some onto his fingers, he didn’t waste any time and shoved two inside Simon.

Simon clutched the edge of the bed and shoved back his hips, to drive the fingers deeper. There was pain, but not as much as he felt he deserved. He wanted to beg for more, but Mal had commanded him not to speak.

The combination of the smells of the infirmary and Mal’s rough touch hardened his cock painfully. Something flickered in the back of his mind. This was familiar. The delight of finally having Mal touch him was starting to be tainted by panic. Simon tried to struggle, but was held down on the table by Mal’s hand on his lower back.

He fought an internal battle with his mind, reminding himself that this was Mal. This was what he wanted from the captain, something to be cherished, not feared…at least not like he was at that moment. Simon closed his eyes against the quick onslaught of the panic attack but the visions only became stronger. A white room, a picture of the ocean, a crucifix on the wall, a mirror…all of these images invoked a sense of utmost terror and humility in him.

Clever fingers found his prostate and his hips surged forward of their own volition, cock hardening to the point of pain. It would be quick, it was always quick. The worst part of it would be that he was left wanting.

Eyes opened now, Simon fixed his gaze on the wall. It would be over soon enough. With a small grunt of pain and surprise, he felt Mal enter him in one rough stroke. Fingers digging into the padding of the exam table, Simon tried to stay focused. He needed to make Mal come as quickly as possible. He’d deal with everything else on his own. Squeezing his internal muscles, he heard Mal moan and gasp behind him, felt the captain’s hands grip his hips with bruising force. The pleasure spiked through Simon as Mal’s cock stroked out and back in, brushing along his prostate with perfect accuracy. He thrust back, moved forward, thrust back, moved forward, forcing his own pace on Mal.

The words being spoken behind him meant nothing, it was just white noise as Simon tried to draw the older man’s pleasure to the pinnacle. Hands moving over him, trying to hold him steady, he bit at his lip and watched the wall in front of him. Slowly, the paint seemed to fade away from the spot he was staring at to show the cross. Wrought iron and as black as night it stood out starkly against the white of the wall. “Hail Mary, full of grace,” Simon whispered and then promptly fell into a black, blank void.


	15. Chapter 15

This wasn’t the room with the cross.

No, that came much later down the line.

The hologram at the front of the room showed the naked body of a man. The professor stood next to it, his white shirt and white pants seeming to blend right into the wall behind him. His pointer tapped at the throat, a deep black line slashing its way across the once unmarked figure. He repeated the gesture several times until those lines were in several spots: throat, forehead, heart, stomach.

Simon turned his head away and watched the other students near him. All of them were young, ranging from twelve to fifteen years of age. Male and female alike sat in rapt attention as the professor taught his lesson. White clothes everywhere, even the cushions they sat on were white, the low desks white.

These were blows meant to kill. He knew that. The one to the gut would take more time, a very slow and painful death. Looking down, the holopad on his desk came to life showing Kaylee as he remembered her that day, lying on the floor with a hole in her belly. Her eyes were wide and unblinking, face pale.

*Can you move your feet?” That’s what he had asked.*

*Are you asking me to dance?*

*You know what a stomach wound does to a person?*

*I surely do.*

*Then you know how crucial the next few minutes are.*

The screen went blank. The professor began to speak.

“A fatal blow must always be delivered. No mark should be left alive unless you have been expressly given orders by your Handler. You will incapacitate them nonetheless. A blow here,” the professor pointed to the kneecap, “will disable your mark from getting away. If that fails, a firm strike to the throat will have them incapacitated as well. Learn these areas.” Again the pointer moved to show off the kill zones. “More often than not, these will be your areas of concern.”

As the professor turned, his gaze locked with Simon’s. A slow smile spread across his face and for a fleeting moment, Simon saw his own face there, then a face he should recognize but couldn’t place, and finally a quick flash of a Reaver.

Simon tried to stand but his legs wouldn’t move. He looked over to his left. River sat there, staring at him with her dark brown eyes. “Hold your breath or you’ll drown.”

The tiny sound of a splatter forced Simon’s attention back to the front of the classroom. Red lines had appeared on the hologram, running now and dripping onto the pristine white floor in vivid contrast. It puddled beneath the hologram, growing and spreading. It began to reach out in red tendrils, creeping along the floor, twining its way toward the students.

Simon struggled in vain to stand up, looked down to find his legs shackled to the floor. He toppled the offending furniture over, struggling at the restraints until his own hands began to bleed. Little splatters of blood dropped onto his pants leg. He’d be in trouble for this. He was supposed to stay white, stay pure. Any mar in appearance was punished severely.

“No. Nonononono.” Simon’s voice began to rise in panic. His gaze sought out the red river and found it winding its way between the cushions of the first row of students. White clothing of the first two children began to turn red. They turned to look back at Simon and he gasped. Blood ran down their faces, from their eyes, ears, noses, and mouths. They smiled with red stained teeth, blinked with blood filled eyes. Their blood mixed into the river and grew larger, moved faster as it reached its never-ending arm out to Simon.

“River! Oh god, River, get out of here! You need to run!”

He twisted around to find River there, Li comfortably perched in her lap, watching him. She smiled softly and shook her head. “It never stops, Simon. It just keeps growing and growing until it finally reaches you.” River paused and tilted her head to the side to regard him with disdain. “There’s blood on your hands, bao bei. [sweetheart]”

As he looked down, Simon found himself no longer looking at his seat cushion or the floor. The river extended away from him. With dawning horror, he looked up and was met with the faces of the children staring at him. He was the hologram. He was the one bleeding and reaching out for them.

The professor’s voice droned on, “A fatal blow must always be delivered. No mark should be left alive unless you have been expressly given orders by your Handler. You will incapacitate them…”

He tried to scream, tried to move, and nothing happened. Nothing. Happened.

*Went to the best Medacad on Osiris, top three percent of my class, finished my internship in eight months. Gifted..is the term. So when I tell you that my little sister makes me look like an idiot child, I want you to understand my full meaning.*

Simon’s mind railed against the internal dialogue. It served no purpose here. None at all. His gaze locked again on River and Li out in the group of students. They stared back at him and suddenly River was speaking to him, acknowledging his being there. A bug under glass, a specimen to be studied.

River opened her mouth but the voice was not her’s, it was Simon’s. “There was a school... a, uh, government-sponsored academy, we'd never even heard of it but it had the most exciting program, the most challenging,” she giggled and then stood up, pointing at him. “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.”

* * *

The darkness was tempting and called to him, but there was something else more powerful. A glow in the darkness… a single bright thread of light that called him from the depths of near oblivion. He felt a familiar touch caress his face and push back the hair from his forehead. Simon opened his eyes slowly and met Mal’s worried gaze.

“There’s something wrong with me, Mal,” Simon croaked out in a hoarse voice.

Mal gave him a weak smile before he leaned in and kissed Simon’s forehead. “Ya mean more than usual, bao bai? [sweetheart]”

Simon squeezed his eyes shut to hide the tears from Mal. He knew how the man hated weakness and the brief affection was a dream he knew he couldn’t have. “I’m tainted…”

“Hey now,” Mal hushed him. “You’ve just had a rough patch. Tell me what’s goin’ on in that head of yours.”

Simon could feel Mal cup his cheek and his hand came up to hold it there. He knew it was only a matter of time before Mal withdrew the touch. “I lied to you… I lied. I’m tainted.”

This wasn’t the first time Simon had blacked out and he was glad now he hadn’t panicked and called someone else into the room.

“Simon, ya need to tell me. Consider it an order.”

Simon responded immediately to the command and opened his eyes. “You weren’t my first. I said the first time you were the first man to… you weren’t… I didn’t remember…”

Mal tried to deny the jealousy that flared up when Simon told him this. But if he embraced the feeling, it would mean admitting he cared more for Simon than he dared acknowledge. And the tortured look on Simon’s face fed another emotion… anger. Whatever had happened to Simon was part of his breakdown now. He wanted to kill whoever had done anything ugly to Simon. He didn’t pull his hand away from Simon’s desperate grasp.

“I don’t care,” Mal forced himself to say.

“I’m a whore,” Simon muttered. “A whore with my body and skills…”

“You’re not a ruttin’ whore!” Mal snapped, loosing his patience. The words he’d spoken before to Simon now burned in his brain. Calling Simon a whore, treating him as one, this wasn’t helping matters at all. He had to make it mean more than that. Even if he was unsure of his own reasons for wanting Simon. His hand moved to grab Simon’s chin firmly, making Simon look at him. “No whore belongs to me and you do belong to me, Simon Tam. Every bit of that mucked up brain of yours belongs to me and I don’t settle for anything but the best.”

“I’m used goods,” Simon whispered painfully.

“So was Serenity and I still love her…” Mal said and then realized what he said and looked down, feeling the burn starting to flare on his cheeks. He took a deep breath and added, “She might be damaged and used, but she’s still mine…”

Simon recognized that in his own way Mal was saying he cared about him. He smiled sadly at him, wishing that Mal could have told him this before the dream. Before he was starting to realize what he was. “Serenity is your ship, Captain, and she’s a beautiful ship. But, I’m unnatural… tainted…”

“You shut your gorram [damn] mouth!” Mal snapped and pulled out his pistol. He pressed it right under Simon’s chin. “If you give up hope, then what’s the point in living? Talking about yourself this way disgusts me!”

Something inside Simon’s mind snapped. He grabbed the barrel of the pistol and pressed it into his skin. “Go ahead and do it, Mal! I’m a danger to everyone on this ship,” he screamed back at Mal. “Someone did something to me and I don’t remember what! They messed with my gorram [damn] mind! I don’t know who I am anymore…”

“You’re afraid of living,” Mal accused him.

“I’m afraid of killing!” His hand fell away from the pistol and he collapsed back onto the bed. “I’m afraid that I won’t be strong enough to resist what’s crawling around inside my head…I’m afraid that everything that I am is a lie…” He broke off in a whisper and turned pleading eyes on his lover. “Am I even real, Mal?”

Mal holstered his gun, walking up to the infirmary bed and pulling Simon roughly into his embrace. “You’re real if I say ya are,” he whispered into Simon’s hair.

“The only thing I believe in anymore is you,” Simon confessed, clutching at Mal. He felt more balanced with Mal’s touch…more real.

Mal pushed Simon away enough to give him a fierce glare. “I’m no one’s god.”

“A god is something distant and unreal,” Simon said, drawing him back and leaning his head on Mal’s shoulder. “You are…” He had to stop when there were no words to describe what Mal was to him. “I feel like I was made for you.”

“This is enough crazy talk.” Mal’s voice was rough, but he didn’t pull away from Simon. “I’m no one special. Just a mean ol’ man.”

“I need you to promise me one thing, Captain,” Simon asked and clutched at Mal tighter. “If I’m ever a true danger to our family…”

“I told ya once if I ever kill you, you'll be awake, you'll be facing me, and you'll be armed. I can promise you this, if that day ever came, I would shoot you in the back with you unarmed if I had to.”

“Thank you, Mal,” Simon chuckled at Mal’s twisted show of loyalty. He nuzzled Mal’s neck, not for any sexual reason but for comfort. “I would take my life before I ever betray you.”

“Enough of this death talk,” Mal told him and pulled away a little. “We got to talk about the here and now. You’re gonna get your stuff out of the guest quarters and move it into my quarters.” When Simon gave him a questioning look, he continued in a gruff voice and rubbed the back of his own neck. “I don’t need my doctor tired or not eating. Jus’ thinkin’ about the good of the crew.” When Simon smiled at him, he snorted. “Hey now. This is part of your punishment, too! Got to have access to you when I want…”

Simon hopped off the infirmary bed and started to straighten his clothing. “I was hoping you weren’t going to let this incident or my… past indiscretions stop you from taking what you want.”

Mal reached out and grabbed Simon’s arm, but not painfully. “Who did this to you, Simon?”

Simon shuddered and closed his eyes. Mal had used a tone that showed he would not let this drop. “I don’t remember…” When Mal scowled at him, Simon shook his head and continued. “I don’t remember his name. An older man…I think, maybe a doctor. It’s not very clear, but I think he…used to examine me.”

“How?” Mal demanded, tightening his grip.

“He would…” Simon had to stop and take a deep breath. “When you were, preparing me…it reminded me of his exams.”

Deep down something clicked that he wanted to deny. “Is it the same people who messed with River?”

“I don’t know…” Simon told him. He pulled his arm out of Mal’s grasp and saw that during their encounter the medical instruments had moved out of place. He mentally chastised himself that they would have to be disinfected and started to straighten out his scalpels. “Did you notice how your wound stopped hurting? The one you got right after Miranda that had nerve damage. That’s why I was in the whore house, trying to get money to buy medication for you. I won’t say how or when, but I managed to get it. I slipped it to you without you noticing.”

“I don’t know why you’re telling me this right now. I’ll deal with that later,” Mal growled. “It ain’t gonna distract me from this, Doc. Did someone mess with your head?”

Simon’s hand hovered over a pair of surgical scissors. “It would be quite frightening if they did. With River and Li, you can tell. But with me…well, maybe until now, I was relatively normal.”

Mal’s hand reached out and grasped Simon’s, pulling it away from the sharp medical instruments. His voice was deadly serious when he spoke. “The Alliance messed with all of us, just in different ways.”

“Captain, I…” Simon faltered. There were so many things he wanted to ask, beg for and deny all at once.

“We’ll get through this,” Mal told him and before he let go of Simon’s hand, he gave it a quick squeeze. “Got no choice.”

“The others…if I move into your quarters, even temporarily, they will…”

“Ah hell, Doc, at this point even Wash’s ghost knows,” Mal laughed, his hand running down the front of his suspender. “Don’t worry about it. If anyone has a problem with this… development, then I’ll take care of it. You just work on keepin’ your head screwed on straight.” For a few moments they just stood there, looking at each other and Mal shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot. “No more playing with sharp objects… guns… hell, any weapons of any sort without my say so. Right, well. I got captain-y things to do.”

* * *

Kaylee gave a soft sigh as the brush pulled gently through her hair again. A saccharine sweet smile on her face, she traced a pattern on the silk pillow with her fingertip. She liked being girly. Sometimes it was a nice thing. Hated the fact that when she was looked at most times they just saw their mechanic, not a girl.

“’Nara, do you think I’m pretty?”

The brush halted mid-stroke. “Oh, bao bei [sweetheart], of course you’re pretty. What’s brought this on all of a sudden?”

Kaylee turned around to look at Inara in her fine and fancy clothing and gave a quick shake of her head. “Can’t say for sure. Just, sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if I’d stayed back at home ‘stead of joining up with the captain and Serenity. Wonder if I’d be married to a nice man and all the family stuff that goes along with it. Not that I want ta leave or anything.”

Inara reached out and tucked a strand of Kaylee’s chestnut hair behind her ear. “Maybe we can try something. If you’re up to experimenting with me?”

Kaylee broke out in a huge grin. “Shiny! Whatcha got in mind?”

Inara smiled back and stood up, walking over to one of her many trunks in her shuttle. “I didn’t tell you before about this. I wanted it to be a surprise. I think now is as good a time as any. Of course, you do have all of your chores taken care of? You know how Mal gets about his work/play policy.”

“All my stuff’s done,” Kaylee said, standing up and walking over to Inara. She watched as the Companion pulled out a small bundle wrapped in a gauzy white material. “What is it?”

Wrapping removed, Inara flung out the deep blue silky material. “This would be a dress, one that I had specifically made for you.” Inara held it up, the ebony embroidery shimmering in the low light of the shuttle.

It was sleeveless, with a v-neck cut and v-neck back as well. It was very simple, nothing outrageous but to Kaylee it was the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen. Hesitantly she reached out to touch the fine pattern of embroidered blooms and vines. “It’s so fancy.”

“Not nearly as fancy as some of the ones I was looking at, but I didn’t want the dress to outshine you.” There was a light note of teasing in Inara’s voice as she said it. “I think that once you try it on, we can find some nice jewelry and I’ll do your hair and makeup for you, too. Then we can sit down and have a proper tea.”

Kaylee giggled and clapped her hands. “Oh, ‘Nara, it’s just gorgeous. It’s so different from my other one. Jayne calls it my layer cake dress.”

Shooing Kaylee behind the dressing screen, Inara sat back to wait for the girl to change. “You hardly looked like a cake in that gown.”

Kaylee poked her head around the screen and gave a wink. “Calls it that because he said I looked so sweet dressed up in it.”

Inara laughed and shook her head. “That’s a little shocking coming from Jayne’s mouth. I’m surprised he didn’t find some other gaudy comment about it.”

A pair of stained overalls made their appearance, flopping over the top of the dressing screen to hang there. Quickly after came Kaylee’s pink shirt and then her boots, which she set around the side. “Nah, Jayne knows better than that with me cuz I’d sock him in the arm.” She stepped out, her hands gliding over her hips to smooth the silky material into place. Arms spread wide and twirling before she stopped to look at Inara and grin, “Whatcha think?”

“I think you look amazing,” Inara said, standing up and taking Kaylee by the hand. They walked over to the bed and she gestured for Kaylee to sit. Taking the brush back in hand, she began to do her hair. With careful selection, she reached into a small marble box and pulled out a few shell combs and pinned her hair in place. “So, shall we take our tea up in the kitchen so everyone can see how you look when we’re finished or would you prefer to stay here in my shuttle?”

Kaylee twirled one of the stray tresses of hair around her face. “I want Jayne to see me so the kitchen would be better. I think he’ll like this one better anyway, it’s slinky.” She sat very still as Inara started applying makeup, trying hard not to bounce on the bed though she desperately wanted to. Once finished, Kaylee stood up to look at herself in the small mirror over Inara’s vanity. “I look so grown up,” she gasped as she looked at her reflection. “Simon would say that I look like a proper young lady.”

It was the perfect opportunity so Inara took it. “How are you two getting along now that he’s…”

“Sly? Oh, we’re fine. Haven’t really had much chance to talk to him since this whole thing with Li and Diane and now runnin’ again from Persephone.” Kaylee’s voice carried a small note of disappointment and Inara caught it in her posture, shoulders slouching just the tiniest bit.

“You miss him.” Inara stated it rather matter-of-factly. “Mei-mei, are you sure that you’re okay with this? It can’t be easy for you.”

With a resigned sigh, Kaylee turned and came back over to sit down next to Inara on the bed. Her gaze fixed on the intriguing embroidery in her lap, she sighed. “Nothin’ worth havin’ is ever easy. That’s what Mama used to tell me.” She looked up into Inara’s concerned face, reaching out to take the Companion’s hand. “I miss him ‘n’ I did fancy him, loved him a little bit more than I should’ve. More than anything I miss jus’ talkin’ to him and laughin’. Used to have so much fun on those nights when we’d both stay up late, no one about ‘cept for the two of us and Serenity hummin’ quietly in the background. He’s just been so closed off lately, even to me. Spends most of his time in the infirmary goin’ over lists and checkin’ on supplies. If he’s not in there he’s with River or with the captain.”

Inara squeezed Kaylee’s hand in silent encouragement. “I’m worried about Simon. This thing between him and Mal has me more than a little concerned.”

“Not a thing to worry about. Cap’n and Simon’ll be jus’ fine. They’re jus’ workin’ things out between them, is all. They’ll figure it out eventually.” Kaylee reached for the other small wooden box on the bed and opened it up to inspect the jewelry that Inara was letting her wear.

“You’re not concerned at all? I know you’ve seen the bruises. Simon’s more than willing to offer up excuses about them.”

Lifting a beaded choker up out of the box, Kaylee shook her head. “Simon won’t allow anything to happen that he doesn’t want ta happen, and the cap’n would never hurt Simon.” She blushed a bit when she looked at Inara’s face, the raised eyebrows screamed ‘oh really’ at her. “So maybe they like their sex rough? So long as they both don’t kill each other it’ll all be okay.”

Inara reached out and helped Kaylee fastened the clasp, then handed her the matching earrings. “I just hope it doesn’t come down to that.”

“Oh, it won’t. Cap’n may be stubborn but he’ll realize it eventually,” Kaylee said, standing up to look at herself in the mirror again now that she was completely made up for her formal tea.

“Realize what?” Inara asked, as she started putting all the boxes back onto the vanity.

Kaylee reached out and linked her arm with Inara’s, tugging her towards the door of the shuttle. “That he’s head over heels in love with Simon, same way Simon is about him. Come on, let’s go get some tea. And I wanna find Jayne and give him an eyeful.”

* * *

He’d nearly dropped his plate of mush when she’d walked into the room. Grumbling under his breath Jayne turned away from Inara and Kaylee’s entrance and tried to hide the surprise on his face. Not like he hadn’t seen fancy dress before, Inara was always wearing those silky rich things and strutting around in full makeup. Kaylee was different, though. He’d always found her pretty enough in her patched overalls and grease-streaked face. He’d even found her cute in that dress she’d had to wear that one time. Told her so, hadn’t he? But this, this was enough to make a man go crazy.

“Can’t go to my bunk…” Jayne mumbled to himself.

“What’s that, Jayne?” Kaylee asked with a smile that normally would have been sweet, but dressed up like this, looked naughty.

“Ah…” Jayne struggled to make his brain work. “Nothin’.”

Kaylee’s laugh rang through the kitchen. She felt powerful in this dress and understood a little of the control Companions held over their clients. Mere movement was an art form that changed the way a man looked at you. Kaylee flipped her hair and watched as Jayne’s eyes followed the movement.

“Something wrong, Jayne?” Kaylee asked. “You seem a little flustered.”

“Nope,” Jayne said immediately and spooned a heaping amount of mush into his mouth. He struggled to swallow and had to cough a bit. After, he gasped a deep breath and stammered, “I don’t get flustered.”

“Oh, of course not,” Kaylee teased. She noticed that Inara had moved off into the kitchen, giving them some privacy. But it was reassuring to know she was still close, just for moral support. “Do you like my new dress?”

“Uh huh,” Jayne answered and nodded. “Ya look different all gussied up.”

Kaylee ran a hand along her thigh, knowing Jayne was watching her every move. “Inara got the dress for me. See, I remembered someone promisin’ me a date…”

Jayne gulped again, but this time he didn’t have any mush in his mouth. “Would ya be wearing this slinky dress?”

“I think so,” Kaylee told him. “Of course, ya said it wouldn’t be fancy or nothin.’”

“I said that?”

“Uh huh,” Kaylee nodded. She put her hands behind her back, which just so happened to tighten the fabric across her chest. “Too bad, guess I might not be able to wear my pretty new dress to some dirty ol’ watering hole.”

Now Jayne felt a little uncertain. “I got no fancy duds that would be fit to wear out with you in that…”

Kaylee’s heart did a little flip. In this moment, he looked like a big, uncertain kid. She moved close to him and leaned in. The slinky dress couldn’t hide her heart of gold. “I like you just the way you are, Jayne.”

“Well… I…” Jayne mumbled back. “That’s cause I’m…”

“A big sweetheart,” Kaylee leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. “You don’t have to take me nowhere, Jayne. I’d wear this dress for you and eat in the engine room if you were there.”

Jayne laid a hand carefully on Kaylee’s hip, feeling the silky material. “I’m not good enough for the likes of you…” Kaylee promptly balled her fist and punched Jayne in the arm. “Ow! What was that for?”

“That’s for bein’ an ass!” Kaylee snapped at him.

“I was bein’ nice!” Jayne snapped. “Guess no pretty dress can cover up the fact that you’re a saucy lil’ piece of work.”

“That’s right,” Kaylee told him. “And don’t you forget it, Jayne Cobb. Here I come in wearin’ this sexy dress and you insult me!”

“But you are saucy!” Jayne protested and got out of his chair quickly when Kaylee hit him again. “Ya agreed yourself!”

“You insulted yourself!” Kaylee snapped and her hands moved to her hips. “Said ya weren’t good enough for me. And that insults me ‘cause you’re implying I got bad taste in men.”

“I… ah…” Jayne was desperately trying to think of a way to weasel his way out of this situation. “I think you’re real pretty,” he blurted out. “And not just cause of no dress.”

“Jayne…” Kaylee said in a warning tone.

“And you’re nice for a girl,” Jayne tried again. When Kaylee scowled at him, he knew he didn’t get it quite right. “I’d let ya hold Vera…”

Now Kaylee cracked a smile. “You’d let me… touch Vera?”

“Um, yeah,” Jayne admitted, wondering how he’d let that slip. “’Cause, ah, I know you’re good with machinery. Never seen no girl who’s not just a girl… who’s just you… whether you’re dressed up in them overalls, or a fancy dress…” Jayne scratched his head when Kaylee just looked at him, eyes going all doe-like on him. But not like any of the Mudder women had looked at him, kind of like that, but with a strength he thought only his ma had. “Ah, did I mention, I like your dress?”

“Yes you did, you big dumb lug,” Kaylee said, but there was no malice behind her words. She reached out and grabbed Jayne’s big hand, tugging him toward the doorway. Kaylee looked back over her shoulder and yelled at Inara. “We’ll be in my bunk!”

* * *

Zoe wasn’t feeling right after the job had gone wrong on Persephone. Mal had looked shaken in a way that had shadows of Miranda and Serenity Valley. And there was definitely something wrong with the doctor. She was heading to the bridge because that was the one place that made her feel a little more comforted. Zoe would never admit to it, but she had been visiting the bridge more often now. Through visiting the girls, she would be able to talk to Wash.

“Parasites and host!” Li called out in the way of a greeting.

“Babies and mother,” River corrected with a sigh that reminded Zoe of Simon’s tolerance. “She says hi.”

“Parasite… an organism living in, with, or on another organism… biological parasite in dependence on something else for existence or support without making a useful or adequate return,” Li quoted back at River and stuck out her tongue. “The human infant, especially in the womb, is helpless. The umbilical cord…”

“You’re grossing Wash out,” River scolded and looked at the toy dinosaurs. “He doesn’t want to think of his babies as parasites. Apologise to them.”

Li rolled her eyes but did what she was told anyway. “Sorry, Wash and Zoe.”

“That’s better,” River told her. “Babies aren’t parasites, they’re more like pets.”

Zoe felt the smile creep across her face and felt a little better, even as her hand settled on her stomach. “I suppose they kinda are like pets.”

“Wash says they’ll be his little rug rats,” River said and checked a few gauges. “Though that doesn’t make much sense. We don’t have any rugs on Serenity.”

“Tell him I’ll buy a rug and put it in our quarters,” Zoe told River.

“Rugs have parasites!” Li supplied and made the sock on her hand talk like a puppet. “Dermatophagoides pteronyssinus, or Dermatophagoides farinae. The common dust mite lying on your bed…in your clothing…on your rug… little bugs that are a sliver of time in the web…”

“I thought I told you not to look that closely at the threads,” River chided the younger girl. “Mei mei, you’ve got to stay in the here and now. You have the ability to do that more than I can and you should do it.”

Li slumped in her chair and dropped her sock covered hands into her lap. “Sorry, River. Just trying to distract myself and not look at…”

“I know,” River cut her off. “I can feel it, too. Think even Zoe knows.” She looked over at Zoe. “Mal and Simon…”

“Gotta work everything out,” Zoe answered. In the time she had known River, she had developed a healthy respect for her eerie gift. Simon had seemed to be just her keeper and handy to have around as a doctor. But now he and Mal had become fixated on each other, buried up to the neck in a heap of trouble together. She really did think that Simon was more like his sister than anyone thought before. “There something you need to tell me about Simon?”

“Project Chameleon,” Li supplied happily. “Patient red…”

“Hush,” River snapped at Li. She stared down the younger girl until Li lowered her gaze. “Now isn’t the time. You know that!”

Zoe considered both of them with a wary eye and noticed for the first time how they seemed to say more to each other in looks than in actual words. She watched Li’s bowed head and the small pout that found its way to her lips. A surge of something seemed to ring through her and she reached out and brushed the curtain of hair from the young girl’s face. “Listen to her, Li. River’s been where you are far longer.” She turned her attention to River and gave her a very stern look. “Gettin’ all kinds of exasperated with her ain’t gonna help, River. Go easy on her. She’s just a child and this is all new to her, least in some ways I feel like it is.”

River sighed and rubbed at the bridge of her nose, a very Mal-ish gesture that had Zoe fighting to hold back a smile. She was picking up some of the captain’s habits, bound to happen as much time as they all spent together. River leaned forward a bit and looked off to the side where there was nothing but empty space. For a moment her entire being seemed to be focused there and then she was nodding her head and smiling, even Li turning to look and grinning.

“Wash says you’re going to make a wonderful mother. That your instincts are already kicking in.”

Zoe’s eyes widened a fraction and then she gave a slight nod. “Guess it’s the hormones.” She stood up, her hand instinctively going to the small baby bump and gave it a slight pat. “Time to take the kiddies for some exercise and then some food. How much longer til your shift is up, River?”

“Shift’s done as of now, if she wants.” Mal’s voice floated in through the doorway with deadly perfect timing. He gave River a wink. “Time for you to catch some shuteye and some mush while it’s still hot. Cuz ya know, cold mush not being the best way to eat it and all.”

There was a flurry of movement consisting of girlish squealing and laughter as two colourful blurs pushed past him to clamber down the steps to the bridge. Mal was left standing with a wide open mouth and equally wide eyes. He shook his head and took a step in, moving towards the pilot’s chair. “Made a remark about the pitter patter of lil’ feet in big combat boots once before. Even worse when there’s double the feet to make the noise.”

Chuckling, Zoe came to stand behind Mal as he looked over the piloting console. “Would have been a time when you would have raced after them yourself yellin’ and cursin’ a blue streak. What stopped ya just now?”

“Somethin’ that that hoon dan [bastard] told me back on Persephone.” When Mal looked up Zoe was staring at him with a questioning look on her face. “She was part of that program, ya know. Same one as River. They didn’t get much of a chance to be lil’ girls. Let ‘em have their fun when I ain’t got ‘em workin’. They deserve it.”

“Sir, what did you find out?” Zoe’s usually even tone was betrayed by a slight quaver.

Mal knew better than to worry her about this at the moment. So he merely waved his hand. “Ain’t much worth repeating. Don’t even wanna think about it, truth be told. Just know that those kids didn’t have the chance to do much of what’s normal for kids their age.” He glanced back over his shoulder, his eyes coming to rest on her belly. “They behavin’ in there?”

“Perfectly at the moment, sir. Not turnin’ somersaults or anything. Feel pretty good today. No sickness.”

Mal nodded and turned back to the console, checking his trajectory and making a few adjustments. “Best that way. Don’t need no more troublemakers on board my ship. Got enough already as it is.”

“Just remember, I didn’t pick the crew, you did.” With a quick pat to Mal’s shoulder, Zoe headed off the bridge.

The background noise that was always Serenity seemed to grow louder in the silence of the room. The engines were turning, the air was circulating, they were all breathing and carrying on about their lives as they normally did. Mal slumped down into the chair and stared out the viewport, looking at the stars that seemed to spread out around the black in a random pattern. For the first time in a long time, he felt content. That roiling and rolling in his gut had seemed to find a way to make itself calm. He didn’t want to think about the trouble they could be in with Li, somehow in his heart of hearts he knew it would all work out in the end. His mind would have none of it, whispering little dark thoughts into the shell of contentment he seemed to have weaved around him for the moment. He didn’t want to admit that part of it was Simon. Love was a word he only ever used when referring to his ship and to his flying. To think that he could wrap it around a person was maddening.

He couldn’t bring himself to say it, didn’t know if he ever would be able to say it, but he knew it was true. Even in the twisted way it was being shown it fell into place like the last piece of a missing puzzle to his life. There were still so many questions that needed answering, but he’d have to ask them first. Then they’d have to hunt those same answers down. It wasn’t going to be easy, but holding on to what you want was sometimes harder than letting go. He’d learned that out here, with this group of people he’d learned to call family now. And what about Li, what about what that man had said? And the dreams that Simon kept having?

Mal shook his head in a vain attempt to clear all of those kinds of thoughts from his head. They were still flying, that’s what mattered most. If it meant dodging bullets and Alliance for the rest of his days, so be it. He’d see them all safe or go to his grave trying. His hand reached down beneath the console to where a small cache was hidden. His fingers traced over the edge of the book, the cover memorized from constant repeating of this gesture. He pulled it out and stared at Book’s bible for just a moment, then slipped it back into its hiding place.

With a resigned sigh, Mal let his eyes slip closed for a moment before mumbling into the semi-silence of the bridge.

“I may be going to that special hell after all, Shepherd. But I think I’m gonna like the journey of how I get there.”


	16. Chapter 16

Approximately 3 months later...

"Captain, you're dick whipped!" Jayne hooted with drunken glee and smacked Mal on the back.

A drink was already halfway to Mal's lips and he scowled at Jayne "Better be careful, Jayne, those are fighting words." But then he looked at his shot glass, filled with whiskey and shrugged. "You're lucky I don't wanna spill my drink just now."

"The Doc's gonna have your hide when he finds out you're gettin' sloshed." Jayne took a sip from his own mug of beer. He pointed his finger at Mal, stabbing him in the shoulder. "See, that's 'cause you're dick whipped. That boy gives you that look, and you're useless. Never should've worn that bonnet."

"Never did forget bein' called a powerful ugly creature." Mal tilted back his head and downed the shot in one burning gulp. "And I am not dick whipped. My ship. I'm the Captain."

Jayne smacked the bar with his large hand, snorting with laughter. "Uh huh. That's why you're here 'n' not back on your ship. The prissy lil' Doc kicked you out."

"You ain't sittin' any more pretty than I am," Mal shot back. No one in the sparsely populated bar was paying them any attention. They were just another sad pair of men drinking in a sad little bar on a sad little backwater moon. "Seem to remember Kaylee puttin' a boot to your ass for the same predicament I find myself in."

Jayne choked on the sip he was taking and came up spluttering. “She did no such thing! She don’t tell me what to do. I’m the man in this relationship.”

Mal looked up from his next shot and fixed a withering glance on Jayne. “You implyin’ I’m the gorram woman?”

Jayne didn’t back down at all, giving a salute with his mug. “If the bonnet and dress fit…”

“Don’t you even, Jayne Cobb! I have a might good recollection of the fact that Kaylee made a hefty purchase of batteries on Persephone.” Mal’s grin turned into a full-blown leer.

Tugging at the collar of his shirt, Jayne rolled his eyes trying to remain calm. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“Know darn well that Kaylee’s a woman, gots needs just like everybody else. And I do recall her saying something before about takin’ care of those needs. You said you could stand to hear a little more, if you’re catchin’ my drift.” Pointed look at Jayne showed that he was turning a bit red in the face. Mal continued on. “Also noticed that very next day, after said purchase, that you were walkin’ a bit… funny.”

Colour rose to Jayne cheeks and he sputtered a bit before bursting out with, "That’s just 'cause I fucked her so hard I was bow legged for a bit."

"Uh huh. We both know she's got ya wrapped around her lil' finger. Ya ain't been sniffin' around those trollups." Mal motioned towards the two middle aged, brightly painted up whores in the other corner of the bar. Mal watched as Jayne looked them over. "And don't go gettin' your nose outta joint 'cause I questioned your manhood. Ya start sniffin' around them, I'll shoot you"

"Shuddup," Jayne growled under his breath and drained his beer. He wiped away the foam on his lips with his shirt sleeve. "I ain't afraid of you."

Mal poured another shot from the bottle of whiskey he had bought. "No, but you're thinkin' about the things Kaylee'd do to you if she found out."

Jayne grabbed the shooter of whiskey before Mal could take it and down it. He looked troubled and smacked down the glass too hard on the bar. "That's the funny thing. She said there ain't no ties to keep me to her. But I won't. And if you're feelin' so brave, why don't you go 'n' chat one of 'em up? Prove your manhood since you're the one who's sly?"

Mal reached over and snatched the empty shot glass from Jayne’s hand. “Oh, my manhood’s not in question. Fact is, my manhood’s just fine. You think keepin’ Kaylee pleased is a hard job?” Mal gave a laugh and shook his head. “I ain’t got no need to be hittin’ up whores. I got plenty to handle any time I want it. For once, I can say I’m pretty gorram satisfied.” Mal knew that talkin’ about his sex life would shut Jayne up more effectively than anything else. With a wink and a grin, he leaned closer. “The things that boy can do…”

Jayne paled and leaned back in his chair. “S’nice you’re all chipper and sweet these days, Mal. ‘Preciate that the doc’s gotcha all cozied up and lovin’ life, but don’t need to be hearin’ ‘bout it. Quite happy to live in blissful ignorance. Remind me to buy the kid a gorram book or somethin’ next planet we come to. Anyone that can keep you from runnin’ ‘em off deserves some kind of reward.”

Mal was just about to interject when his commlink went off. With a roll of his eyes, he reached into his pocket and yanked it out. “What!?”

There was a slight pause and a crackle of static before Zoe’s voice floated through. “Evenin’ to you too, Captain. You and Jayne must be sharin’ tales of romantic bliss.”

“There a point to this here conversation, Zoe? Like to finish drinkin’ this shot before Jayne decides he can outdrink me.”

Another burst of static and then Zoe’s voice was back. “We got ourselves a possible situation here. Might wanna come on back.”

Mal grabbed his shot, downed it and waved a hand at the bartender. He slid the man some credits and stood up. “That problem wouldn’t happen to be purple in colour would it?”

“Might be, sir. Don’t matter what we did about Miranda, seems we’re still just as wanted as before. Scouting ship was spotted near Eavesdown not long ago. River got a bit spooked, started spouting off about birds flying south for the winter.”

"We gotta go?" Jayne was already off the bar stool and checking to make sure the guns he brought with him were still in place.

Mal nodded and making grabbed the burlap sack at his feet before turning to stalk away towards the door. He'd spent enough credits on its contents to make sure he didn't forget it. Without looking back, he knew Jayne was on his heels. "The black's callin' again."

"They ain't gonna be happy to see us back in this state."

"I know..." A smirk touched Mal's lips even as he quickened his step. "We'll deal with them once we're burnin' bright 'n' straight on course with no one nipping at our heels."

 

Kaylee stood with her back resting against the countertop in the small kitchen, Simon mirroring her pose. They both watched as Mal and Jayne sipped idly on weak coffee. The tension was thick in the room, even River was still, splayed out and resting on the couch in the common area. Her eyes flickered from the table to the counter, a small lingering touch of a smile on her face, eyes wide and knowing. Once they’d cleared Persephone’s atmosphere, Zoe had taken off to relieve River on the bridge of Serenity, knowing that she wouldn’t be able to concentrate so much with all the emotions flying around down in the belly of the ship. Girl may be more lucid these days but she seemed incapable of totally shutting out her pull on people’s emotions.

Simon glanced over in her direction, lips pressed in a line so tight that the normally pink flesh was strained white. “River, you should go check on Li.”

Pushing a long lock of hair behind her ear, she shook her head. “Out like a light during an electrical storm.” She giggled. “Rather stay here and watching the lightening.”

That had Mal lifting his head up to glance in her direction. “That doesn’t sound too good.”

“Mmmm,” River hummed. Lifting one hand she tapped a finger against her temple. “Lots of low pressure building up, could get pretty nasty.” She threw a glance at Jayne and grinned wider. “Thunder’s already starting to rumble.”

Jayne looked up and over at Kaylee before dropping his gaze back to the coffee mug. “If you wanna see a show go find something on the cortex,” his voice was gravelled out and low as he spoke.

“See! Thunder!”

“Bee-jway! [Shut up!]” Jayne shouted back, standing up and pointing a finger in her general direction. “Think you enjoy listening in on what’s going on more than you want us all to know? Need to find you someone to scr…”

“Don’t you go turnin’ your anger on her, Jayne!” Kaylee’s voice rang clear as a bell. “Ain’t no one to blame except yourselves on this one.”

River did a little spin and pirouette, her laugh ringing out. "They said they were whipped." She stopped, dropping into a graceful bow. River bit her lip and looked between Jayne and Mal. "Big man looked at the trollups." Mal couldn't hid his snickers, but choked when River sung out, "Captain called Simon pretty lil' ball 'n' chain. Better than a wife."

Mal nearly dropped his cup of coffee. "I did no such thing!"

Simon was silent with his arms crossed over his chest, watching his Captain and lover. Kaylee had already stalked towards Jayne and smacked him upside the back of the head.

"That was just stupid!"

"Ow!" Jayne dodged and smack from Kaylee. "What was that for? I just looked 'n' the goods wasn't even that good. And I didn't do nothin'! And even if I did do somethin', ya said I could!"

"That's for thinkin' ya need to spend cashey-money on sex!"

"But, I..."

"Ya said you were savin' up for that new gun. And here you're contemplating spending it all on some guo cao de ji nu [dog humping whore] when ya can get it for free."

Mal was distracted by the fight, but couldn't escape Simon's quiet stare. That was much more frightening to him than Kaylee's rant.

Kaylee rolled her eyes and looked pointedly over at Mal. “And you, Cap’n, thought you would have had a bit more decency.”

“Hey! I never claimed to be decent!” Mal answered, slamming his hand down on the table. “Far as I see ya’ll are gettin’ mighty worked up over nothin’!”

“Nothing?”

Mal turned his head to look at where Simon still stood. The kid’s gaze bore holes right through him. “You discussing rather intimate details as if this were some kind of contest is nothing? Did you even think for a second that maybe we,” Simon gestured at himself and Kaylee, “might not like the idea of having that talked about with people who happened to be outside of our respective quarters?”

Mal groaned and covered his eyes with his hands. “This is nothin’ but a big steamin’ pile of go-se [crap], you know that? Like you and Kaylee don’t sit around talkin’ about it!”

Simon inclined his head. “Maybe we do, but we don’t do it loud enough or directly in front of other people who might not want to know about it and we certainly don’t do it right in front of either of you. Some things should stay private, Mal.”

Mal lifted his head. “Really?”

“Yes, really.”

Shoving his chair back, Mal stalked over to stand right in front of Simon, the younger man not backing down at all. “So, it’s okay for you to say all those things when we’re… intimate… but god forbid I say anything….”

“What!?”

“You know what I’m talking about. All that talk of having me do you right across that table…”

Jayne groaned loudly and thunked his head down on the table. “Can’t you two do this somewhere else!?”

Kaylee knocked Jayne’s shoulder and shook her head.

Simon’s face turned bright red and he narrowed his eyes. “Those are called fantasies. There’s a reason why they’re called that.”

Mal lifted a hand and poked his finger into Simon’s chest. “Got one of those right now of me bendin’ you over my knee in full view with your pants down turnin’ that lily white skin all red and…”

“You. Wouldn’t. Dare.” Simon took a step forward, bringing him right up against Mal’s chest.

Smirking, Mal glared back. “My. Ship.”

Those words always seemed to provoke something inside Simon. It was the same kind of feeling he got when one of the command words set off his conditioning. Except Simon welcomed these feelings. He doubted that Mal even knew he had subtly conditioned Simon to respond this way, but Simon did now. Whereas Simon's past had conditioned him to obedience, those two words triggered another response in Simon.

Simon became reactive to Mal's aggression. Mal had called him pushy and unreasonable before. But for all his complaining, Simon knew Mal liked it. The training that was beginning to surface again and had always been hidden away recognized what Mal liked and demanded that Simon give it to him.

And while a part of him just wanted to drop down to his knees, the other part of him was stronger right now. It was the part of him that wanted to give Mal exactly what he wanted.

Simon shoved at Mal's chest, pushing him back. "You're a bastard!"

Mal stumbled back and crashed into the wall. Simon was already stalking past him and Mal reached out to grab his wrist.

"Oh, I don't think so, Doc. You're not finishing what you started!"

Simon wrenched his wrist our Mal's grasp. "You don't own me!"

Mal lurched forward and grabbed Simon by his waist pulling him back against him. "Don't I?"

The intercom came on and Zoe's voice rung out. "What's all that ruckus down there?"

Kaylee went over to the intercom and pushed the button. "No worries, it's just the Capt'n ‘n’ the Doc at it again."

Static came over the intercom again. "Huh. Well, I got three dish duties that says they don't last five minutes."

Jayne looked over at where Simon was struggling in Mal's grip. "I don't know, the boy's pretty riled up this time. I say three."

Kaylee rolled her eyes. “I’m staying out of it this time. I’m not up for septic pumping again at the next port.”

The comm buzzed again and Inara’s voice floated through. “I say thirty seconds!”

Simon’s struggles increased. “Let go of me, Mal!”

“Bee-jway! [Shut up!]” Mal growled. “You think you can stand there and be all prim and proper but I know you better than anyone else on this ship.”

There was the sound of a crash that had everyone turning to look at where Simon and Mal were grappling along the counter. The sugar bowl had made its way to the floor, lying in several broken pieces and a small cut was on the back of Mal’s hand.

“Aw hell,” Jayne groaned, knowing what was coming next. It was the same way he’d lost the bet last time. Seems a little bit of pain was a big time jumpstart for the Captain and the Doc. He reached into his pocket and laid out the little cards they’d made up for this new game of “guess how long”.

Sure enough, Mal grabbed Simon by the front of his pants and started yanking him towards the door. “Leaving now,” was all he said before they both disappeared out of the kitchen.

Kaylee and Jayne watched them leave. They heard thumping in the hall and the sound of the door to Mal's bunk slamming shut. Kaylee turned to Jayne. "You know you're still in trouble."

Jayne shrugged his shoulders. "Figured as much. Do I at least get to have as much fun as them?"

Kaylee stepped closer to the big man and stood on her tippy toes to whisper in his ear. "Bob." That one word turned Jayne into blushing mess.

Zoe's voice came over the intercom again. "Well, who won this time?"

Kaylee smirked and patted Jayne on the ass. "Inara. Under one minute."

Zoe's laugh came through loud and clear. "Two to one odds on who's got the most visible bruises?"

“No contest on that one. S’always Simon,” Jayne answered, moving to stand a bit behind Kaylee.

“Ears and eyes here,” River called from across the room. Jayne growled under his breath and River merely laughed. “Sleeping beauty awakes. Enjoy yourselves,” she sing-songed as she dashed out of the room on her tiptoes.

Kaylee clicked the comm unit off and took a step away from Jayne but she didn’t make it far. His hand reached to grab at the straps of her overalls, hauling her back in against his broad chest. “Goin’ somewhere?”

Kaylee turned and looked up at him, a serious look on her face. “You’re still in trouble.”

“Mmm-hmm. Know that. Gonna punish me good and proper-like?” Jayne waggled his eyebrows.

"Mmm..." Kaylee seemed to consider the situation. Then she beamed at Jayne, standing up on her tip toes to kiss him on the cheek. "Yes, but not now."

"Why not?"

"'Cause that's what you want. That's what you're expecting." She poked him in the chest with her finger. "When I get ya, you're not gonna know when... or how."

A shiver ran up Jayne's back. He still didn't know how the girl managed to do this to him. She was oversexed, wicked and inventive. In other words, the kind of girl Jayne wanted to bring home to his Mama, though he wasn't about to let her think he was even thinking about contemplating settling down.

Jayne crossed his arms over his chest and glared at Kaylee. "Empty threat."

"When's something's empty, you put a stopper in it!" River called with a high pitched laugh.

Jayne glared daggers at the intercom. “Ain’t no way in hell I told her anything ‘bout… ya know.” Jayne’s face flushed red for a moment.

Kaylee merely laughed. “Reader, Jayne. She knows more than we give her credit for. Even some of the more… interesting stuff.” She managed to pull herself away from him then. “I got work to do so no sense in lolligaggin’ around here.”

“But…” Jayne started forward again. “Captain and Simon are off havin’ their fun. Zoe’s on the bridge. Crazy girl and weird girl are in their bunks…”

Reaching up to pull her hair into the clip she had in her hand, Kaylee shook her head. “And we’s got things to do unlike them. You gotta go start getting the cargo hold ready for when we hit planet-side and I gotta busted compressor that needs to be fixed or we’ll be entering atmo and then becoming part of atmo.”

"But, I..."

Kaylee tilted her head to the side and carded her fingers through her hair. She knew exactly how much Jayne loved her hair. "Shouldn't have been such a duh liou mahng [son of a bitch]."

"This is my punishment, ain't it?"

"Oh no..." Kaylee shook her head, her hair fanning out around her. "This is just the start. You feel the need to blabber about..."

"Wasn't blabbering! I was bragging."

Kaylee froze and stared at Jayne. "What was that?"

"Bragging..." Jayne repeated back more slowly, trying to figure out if she was pissed at her. "'Cause, you're not bad, ya know." He started to panic when he couldn't read her. "In the sack. And out of it, too... for a girl."

Kaylee’s face softened and she went back up to Jayne, laying a hand on his bicep. “Well,” she bit at her lip and glanced at the chronometer by the comm. “We do have at least another three hours ‘fore we get to the rendezvous. Might be able to sneak in a lil’ bit of playtime.”

“Yeah?” Jayne’s eyes went wide and dark all at once.

She just grinned, grabbing him by the hand and tugging him along after her.

 

The sound of Mal’s boots hitting the floor rung through the small room. Simon was in the centre of the room, his back ramrod straight and watching Mal carefully. The tension was thick between them. Simon didn’t move as Mal slowly started to circle him.

“You embarrassed me out there,” Mal told him in a low voice.

“Oh, really, Captain? I think you were already doing a fine job of that already.”

Mal stopped right in front of Simon. He stepped in real close, but he was careful not touch Simon. “My crew was making bets about me.”

Simon drew in a sharp breath and the buttons on his tight vest straining. “That’s because you’re so gorram [damn] predictable. You always rise to the bait.”

“Question is… why are you baiting me?”

Simon’s smile was feral and taunting. “Because you want it.”

“Sound might sure of yourself, Doc. How’s it come to your thinking that I want it?”

Simon’s grin was still there, but it went to something a bit smugger. “If you had every intention of reaming me out, Captain, I highly doubt your room… our room… would have been the appropriate place. More like the infirmary. Everyone of the crew knows that we just don’t argue when we’re down here.”

“They don’t know a gorram [damn] thing that goes on down here,” Mal sputtered. “No one knows but us.”

Simon laughed, levelling his eyes at Mal’s. “Oh, please. You leave marks. They’ve seen them and they know.”

Mal grabbed Simon’s wrist, squeezing tightly. “You beg for my marks.”

“You like it…” Simon whispered at him in that damn cultured voice. “You like to pretend no one knows, but they all do. You made sure they did because you want them to know you own me. Really, Captain. It’s rather sadistic.”

“You son of a bitch…” Mal growled and shoved Simon, but kept a hold of his wrist. When Simon stumbled on his feet, Mal pulled Simon against his chest. There was no hesitation as he crushed him mouth against Simon. “You make me do this. I swear…” Mal kissed him again, pushing his tongue into Simon’s mouth. “You drive me fuckin’ crazy.”

“You want me to. You love it when I push all those buttons of yours.” Simon groaned as Mal worked his way down his jaw line, further until he was nipping along the exposed skin of his neck. Soft bites and then harder ones as Simon tilted his head sideways, inviting more, wanting more.

Mal’s fingers gripped hard at Simon’s hips, digging his fingers into the skin and muscle there. He felt Simon flinch a bit beneath him knowing that the softly fading bruises would darken again. He’d woken one morning to find Simon standing in front of the mirror pressing his fingers into those purple black finger-shaped marks, cock hard and red as he touched them, caressed them.

Fingers made quick work of Simon’s simple dress shirt, buttons pinging off the metal of the floor as he ripped it from Simon’s body. He didn’t give it a conscious thought, wanted more skin to bite and to touch, to mark.

With each possessive touch, Simon moaned. Now that Simon was in his arms, there wasn’t even a half hearted struggle, instead pushing back against Mal’s rough grip. Every time between them was always this intense. There was always a burning spark and friction. They fed off one another, frantic and desperate. Fleetingly Mal wondered if his crew made bets on how many marks Simon wore after their encounters. A hiss escaped from Mal as Simon raked his fingernails down Mal’s back. The boy wasn’t the only one who wore marks of ownership.

Simon’s dark hair was mussed now and his cheeks were burning with a blush. Mal loved that he looked out of control and debauched. He loved to push the boy and knew Simon liked to be pushed.

Shirt gone, Mal started working intently on the rest of Simon’s clothes. Beautiful naked skin covered in a light sheen of sweat made his heart race even more. He threaded his hand up and into Simon’s hair, giving a firm yank until the boy was staring up at the ceiling. He leaned in close, letting his lips just barely brush along an earlobe.

“Who do you belong to, Simon?”

Long, loud keening wail and a full body shudder later, Simon answered back breathlessly. “You, Captain.”

Mal grinned into the side of Simon’s neck, worrying the skin there with his teeth as he turned a fading bruise bright red again. “Better ruttin’ remember that. This is mine,” Mal whispered, biting harder into the skin. His other hand wandered down Simon’s chest, flicking a nipple with his finger. “This is mine.” Hand slipped lower, encircling Simon’s cock in a strong grip. “And this is most definitely is mine.” He gave a slow soft stroke, the exact opposite to the harsh bites he was making on Simon’s skin. “How do you want it?”

Simon’s pupils were dilated like he was on a drug. For him this was the biggest high. In these moments he allowed himself to forget everything. He wasn’t responsible for his sister or his own mistakes in this moment. In this moment he belonged to Mal and that was all that mattered. The simplicity of giving in was cathartic.

“I want whatever you want.” It was clichéd when Simon answered, but he meant it.

And Mal knew it was true. Whether it was the training or who Simon really was, he wanted to please Mal. In a way, he was making himself vulnerable by admitting it.

“Get on the bed. On your back, legs spread wide.”

Simon moved quickly to answer Mal’s commands. He planted his feet firmly on the bed so that his knees were up, exposing everything to Mal that needed to be seen. Mal shrugged his suspenders down, letting them hang while he unzipped his pants. He was hard and ready, dripping pre-come at the sight of Simon so easily laid out before him. Stroking himself as he stood between Simon’s legs, he reached out with his other hand. Placing his fingers against Simon’s lips, he grinned. “Get ‘em good and wet. It’s all you’re getting.”

Simon groaned but did as instructed, tongue circling over Mal’s fingers as he coated them with as much saliva as he could. He flicked his tongue in random patters, reaching up to grab at Mal’s wrist and pulled until he could slip his tongue against the rough bone of knuckles.

Like this Mal could easily see how the boy was designed to seduce. With his legs spread wide and sucking on Mal’s finger, he was opposite of Simon’s usual starched persona. Simon flicked his tongue over Mal’s fingertips. Mal pulled his fingers out of Simon’s mouth and almost smiled when Simon tried to get them back in his mouth again.

“You want to fuck my mouth?” Simon asked and licked his lips.

And now a smile did pass his lips because Simon was using that spooky ability of his to read Mal again. The though of climbing on the bed and slipping his cock into that sinful mouth had flickered across his mind. Mal decided to test something and let the image in his mind change. He let his fingers slide back into Simon’s mouth, but thought about slipping them deep inside his ass. Simon moaned around Mal’s fingers and his hips shifted on the bed.

“Interesting little quirk you’ve got their, Doc,” Mal teased. If he was going to have Simon reading his mind, it was good to know it could be used in entertaining ways.

Simon’s leg shifted, straightening to go out and catch Mal behind the knee, pulling him in closer. Mal had to close his eyes for a moment as Simon’s foot rubbed seductively along his calf. Another more subtle way of begging for what he wanted but Mal let it slide. “Think I’m going to leave my clothes on this time,” he said, watching as Simon’s eyes widened just a fraction.

The words got more than a small response from Simon, who nipped at Mal’s fingers a bit harder than normal and moaned as he did so. A deep red flush started on his face and spread down his pale skin to his chest. Mal reached his other hand out and tweaked one of Simon’s nipples before letting his hand slide down to tug at the small dark hairs below his navel. “Stop.”

Simon instantly released Mal’s fingers, his breath harsh and shallow as he breathed.

“Close your eyes,” Mal commanded, watching Simon immediately comply.

He wanted to fuck Simon, but this was something new. This was something that could give him insight into whatever was this gorram [damn] thing that was between them. Mal caressed his own cock threw his pants. The scratch of the fabric against his sensitive cock was excruciatingly wonderful. Letting his eyes wander of Simon’s body, Mal started to concentrate. He concentrated on what it felt like to touch his lover and thought about caressing Simon’s chest. Simon’s breath hitched and he shifted on the bed.

Mal wondered how far he could push this. He wondered how deep the connection was between them. This gave him a new thrill of power. Mal thought about running his hand down Simon’s thigh and Simon spread his thighs wider. Like this, when they were so close, he thought that Simon was the most open to him. He wondered if this trick had been used by Simon’s keepers to train and condition him.

“Not now,” Simon groaned out. “Please, don’t think of him now.”

Mal made some hushing sounds. “This is about you ‘n’ me. About here ‘n’ now.”

Simon shifted restlessly on the bed, head thrashing against the pillows. Mal reached his hand down, running the tip of his finger over Simon’s entrance. In his mind he let Simon see what he was doing but instead of fingers it was his cock. When Simon sucked in a deep lungful of air, Mal thrust his finger in. Simon reacted to it as if it really was Mal’s cock, giving out a long keening wail.

“Can you come from me just thinking about it?” Mal asked and twisted his finger.

“I don’t know.” Simon thrashed his head. “I don’t particularly care. Just fuck me.”

Mal pumped his finger a few times time before pulling it out. “My ship.”

Simon thumped his head back on the bed in frustration. That meant Mal was going to torture him just because of his stubbornness.

“You said anything I wanted,” Mal reminded him and undid his pants, slipping his hand inside. He concentrated on the feelings he experienced when fucking Simon. “I want this.”

He stroked himself and felt a jolt of desire go through him, at the same moment Simon’s hips thrust up before pushing hard back down on Mal’s fingers. Mal grinned and started letting himself get lost in the feeling of his own hand. He let his mind think about the way his hand felt, the hardness, the way the skin shifted. Simon groaned again and Mal watched as Simon’s hand slipped down to take himself in hand.

“No touching, boy,” Mal whispered, hand gentle as he stopped touching himself to move Simon’s hand away. He placed it on the bed and pressed it down. “Keep it there.”

Mal let his own pleasure mix with memories of making love to Simon. He thought about filling Simon as he caressed himself. Simon was bombarded with emotions from Mal. He felt like he was slowly being fucked deep but also at the same time he was experiencing Mal’s pleasure. Simon arched his back, crying out. There was no longer the need to touch his own cock because it felt like Mal was touching it.

“Touch yourself harder,” Simon begged. “Please!”

Experiencing Mal’s pleasure like this set off something deep in his psyche. This had been implanted as the ultimate reward. A cruel joke by his keeper that his best and deepest pleasure would not be his own, but come when his keeper experienced pleasure. But his keeper never could have expected the one thing that Mal could give him that the person he was intended to make the connection with. Mal loved him. Simon could feel it. And that’s what sent Simon over the edge.

Mal watched in almost complete silence as Simon came, thick jets of white spraying half up his stomach and chest, one particular stream landing on his chin. He groaned at the sight, watched as Simon panted and gulped for air. His thighs and stomach muscles trembling as he came down from climax. Mal moved quickly, surging to drop down over top of Simon, pressing his erection into the tightly muscled abs made slippery by Simon’s own release. He flicked his tongue out to capture the come painting Simon’s chin, smiling at the groan that reverberated through Simon’s chest up into his own.

Simon’s hands slipped up and around to grab at Mal’s lower back, digging into the polyester shirt as his captain rutted mindlessly against him. The sounds that Mal were making had his mind reeling, had his cock stirring already though it would be awhile before hardening again.

Simon was caught in a delicious cycle of his own vibrating orgasm and Mal’s impending one. It was the most intense of his life, but it wasn’t over. For a brief moment, Simon saw a flash of how Mal saw him. He gasped in shock, looking at himself through Mal’s eyes. He looked thoroughly fucked and dazed. As quick as the flash came, it was gone. Simon was caught up in the last spike in Mal’s orgasm as he rutted and spilt with a long groan.

Simon was shivering and his pupils dilated as Mal collapsed down on him. Looking at him, Mal had seen the look before. It was the rush of endorphins addicts got. He ran his hand through Simon’s hair, hoping to help settle him down from the high. Mal gently kissed Simon’s cheek.

“Mal…” Simon begged, not sure what he was asking for.

All of the anger was gone now replaced simply by concern. He wanted to ask how Simon was, but knew something else would help. Praise would work better than any amount of worry right now. “You did so good.” Mal nuzzled just beside his ear. “Proud of you.”

Simon instantly responded, breath hitching a bit before starting to settle into an easy rhythm. He turned his head slightly, allowing easier access for Mal. “You never even really touched me but I could feel you.”

Mal rubbed his stubbled cheek along Simon’s smooth one. “You looked hotter than hell,” he growled, biting now at the skin of Simon’s neck. “Wanted nothin’ more than to see ya completely fucked out on my bed.” He bit down harder at Simon’s moan. “Got me going somethin’ awful.”

“It was exactly what I wanted,” Simon sighed. “Love it when you lose control.”

Mal levered himself up a bit. “I didn’t lose control.”

“Oh, please. You jumped me faster than a bitch in heat, Captain.” Simon laughed so hard it seemed to reverberate around the walls of the bunk.

“You callin’ me a dog, boy?”

Simon went to respond only to have his mouth covered and a tongue shoved halfway down his throat. When Mal finally released him a few minutes later, Simon was quite compliant. “Go to sleep.”


	17. Chapter 17

Simon shifted under the sheets and watched as Mal started getting redressed. He pillowed his arms beneath his head and watched with rapt attention as Mal pulled the shirt over his head, dark red furrows on his back suddenly covered and clothed so no one else would see them. He smiled to himself, knowing that even though concealed they were there. He watched as Mal’s back muscles twitched, knowing full well that his Captain was feeling the material rake over them, reminding him already of the marks.

"Stop lookin' so smug,” Mal grunted.

"You have no idea how I'm looking right now. Your back is turned to me."

"I can feel your smuggness radiating from here." Mal tucked the shirt in into pants and turned around. "You think you got what you wanted." Simon hid his face into the curve of his arm, but not before Mal caught the smirk there. It riled him up, wanting to go over there and kiss that damn smirk off Simon's face. A voice in the back of his head that sounded annoyingly like Jayne calling him 'dick whipped'. "Boy, you only got what I let you have."

"And I take it." There was no hiding the pride in Simon's tone.

Pulling his suspenders up his arms, Mal started over towards the bed. “Everything’s gotta be a fight with you, doesn’t it?” He reached down, flipping the covers back from Simon’s body. His fingers skimmed over the bloom of red on one ass cheek before pressing down. Mal smirked this time as Simon sucked in a breath. “Can’t say that I don’t like givin’ it to ya when ya beg so pretty-like.”

Simon lifted his head and looked back over his shoulder. “You always did have a thing for my mouth if I remember correctly.”

“Bee-jway [Shut up],” Mal answered with no actual heat in his voice at the moment. “Get up and get dressed, Doc. We’re gettin’ close to the rendezvous point now and I gotta have everyone lookin’ sharp in case we run into trouble.”

Simon shifted on the bed, managing to slide to a sitting position in one graceful movement. “And more times than not that just in case becomes a definite.”

Mal watched as Simon continued to move with a grace he had only ever seen in Inara. With companions he knew such elegance was false, like shiny gold plating over lead. Years of training made the girls into companions with their false smiles and easy poise. If Mal had been asked, he would say he preferred women with their natural beauty. Zoey with her instinctual fierceness and confidence. Kaylee was beautiful with her own charm and ease. Even River with her mixture of innocence and moon touched lunacy.

Mal was still fascinated as Simon stretched he was sure for Mal's benefit, showing off those muscles he kept hidden more often than not. It was an unconscious grace with Simon that he wondered what sort of training Simon had endured to make it so deep into who the boy was. It was alluring, distracting and dangerous as hell. Mal was drawn to Simon because he didn't come with all the trappings and whoring of a companion. But even now, a part of Mal was still leery of everything Simon kept hidden. The seductive abilities and intelligence wrapped up in a strange chameleon ability.

Simon seemed to sense Mal's pondering in another way that frightened him. It was scary to think the boy was so in tune with him and sensing him on levels that weren't completely natural.

Simon tipped his head to the side and the smile disappeared from his face. "I can stop it. I can be whatever you want…"

“Don’t want you to be anything but who you are.”

Simon stood there for a moment, mouth gaping. “That almost sounded… romantic.”

Mal rolled his eyes, shrugging off the sense of unease. “I don’t do romantic. Get dressed and ready, alright? You’re a might distractin’ at the moment and I’ve got work to do.”

“Certainly, Captain,” came Simon’s teasing reply. “What exactly do I need to be preparing for? You haven’t breathed a word to anyone but Zoe as to who we’re meeting up with this time.”

Mal leaned back against the metal rungs of the ladder. “Best if not everyone knows at the moment. Could bring back a bit of… unpleasantness. But, it’s something that needs to be taken care of. It’s business. It’ll get us credits. That’s all ya need to now what know right now.”

And just like that, the flash of Simon's submissive side was gone. Once Mal pulled rank on him, Simon responded by slipping back into the familiar role of doctor. His body language changed, becoming more stiff and formal. "The med-bay is ready to go, but I'd rather not use it."

Mal watched as Simon was pulling on his shirt. "You might have another role to play in this job yet, Doc. I'll let ya know if you're needed or not."

Simon turned his gaze away from Mal, but not before he gave his lover a smouldering glare. "Yes, why don't you do that, Captain."

Mal's fingers tightened on the rung of the ladder, but he made himself climb up instead of turn around and deal with the sullen doctor like he wanted to. When he stepped into the corridor, he muttered under his breath, "Gorram [Damn] contrary, maddening…"

“Not all wine and roses today, Captain?”

Mal spun on his heel to find Zoe making her way down the corridor. He rolled his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest. “If that ever happens, you’ll surely know we’re all about to die.”

Chuckling, Zoe started again for the bridge. “I let River and Li take over for a bit, needed to get some chow. Figured it’d be best if I got them out of the way since River’s flying might just be needed for later after this particular rendezvous. Seeing as how we didn’t part on the best of terms with the two of them.”

Mal fell into step behind her. “Our little reader spouted any nonsense about this to you yet?”

“No, sir. She’s been quieter than a church mouse about it. Which is a bit surprising if I might say so.” Zoe started up the stairs and found River giving a lesson on dinosaurs to Li. “Everything going okay?”

River looked up and smiled. “All in the clear.”

Zoe nodded her head and made room for Mal to come onto the bridge. He didn’t bat an eye at Li all stretched out on the floor by River’s feet.

Li was wearing one silken glove from Inara on one hand and a work glove from Kaylee on the other. She was wearing more over sized clothing probably stolen from River. The only things she didn't get into belonged to Simon. There seemed to be a strange respect there that Mal didn't understand. Mal made a mental note to buy the kid more clothes one of these days.

Li rolled over on her back and blinked owlishly at Mal. "You want to take him."

"Excuse me?"

Li wiggled her fingers in the work glove. "Simon…"

“Wha-” If he hadn't been talking to a child, he would have said something completely different.

"On the job,” Li clarified with a smirk. “You want to take him… and you don't. Could be useful, could go wrong."

Mal gently nudged her with his boot. "That's a whole lotta coulds, lil' one."

She grinned up at him and grabbed the toe of his boot, giving it a small shake that made him grin back at her even though he didn’t want to. He was warming up to her more than he’d expected. She’d kept to herself mostly, not interfering or causing any problems… other than stealing socks or pot holders. She reached out and tugged on his pant leg. “Always could’s, if’s, but’s, maybe’s.”

“You are a funny little girl, ya know that?” Mal dropped down onto his haunches, reaching out to push a strand of hair out of her face. “Me ‘n’ Zoe, well, we need the bridge for a bit. Think you and River can find something to do while we do our thing up here?”

Li sat up and gave a nod. “Can get into something, yeah.”

River rolled her eyes. “We’ll go see Inara.”

Li’s grin only got wider at that. “She’ll make my hair all pretty, very grown up.”

Mal scowled down at Li. "Not too pretty I hope."

Li giggled and rolled her eyes. She reached up and squished Mal's cheeks together. "Mean ol' man face don't work on you."

Mal batted away her hands with a huff. "It should. 'Cause, I am."

Li rolled over and got up with an unsteady stumble. "Don't work on River or Simon neither. Ol' maybe... not so mean."

River turned in the chair and shook her head at Li. She brought her finger to her mouth and made a shushing sound. "Hush Li, he thinks he’s tough."

“Hey!” Mal tried hard for righteous indignation, but it didn’t come out as well as he’d hoped. “I am tough thank you oh so very much. Now get your scrawny butts off my bridge so I can do some work. Ya’ll wanna eat in the next few days don’tcha?”

Zoe stepped aside to avoid the small stampede as both River and Li took off for parts unknown inside Serenity. She dropped wearily down into the co-pilot’s chair and watched as Mal took his spot in the pilot’s. He reached out and flipped on the Cortex, checking a few things before turning to Zoe. “Know you’re not exactly thrilled with us meeting up with Fanty and Mingo again.”

Zoe grimaced. “Ain’t so much them as what it all led up to last time we did business with that pair of wangbadans [dirty bastards]. Awful lot of bad memories start with them.”

Mal nodded his head. “Right bit of unpleasantness, I understand. Looks to be a simple enough job though, one that we could definitely use right about now. And there won’t be any finagling over the price of the job.”

"Hazard pay, I suppose." Zoe's hand came to rest on her noticeably larger belly now. "You're gonna try to convince me to stay aboard Serenity, aren't you?"

"There wasn't going to be any convincing really." Mal pushed a couple buttons to check on the flight path. "I was just gonna demand."

Zoe strummed her fingers on her belly. "I expected as much."

Mal gave her a curious look. "You're not gonna try to argue?"

"Would you listen?"

Mal pursed his lips and seemed to consider the matter. "No."

"I’m feeling about as agile as a bloated cow, so I'm thinkin' I'm not gonna be all that frightening backup."

Mal pushed a few more buttons just because he could. "I don't know, you're pretty frightening to me." He dodged when Zoe took a punch at his head. His expression turned more serious. "Fanty and Mingo only gave us this job 'cause of River. Appears that girl isn't costing us business, but bringing it our way. And means I need somebody with a decent head on their shoulders backing me up."

Zoe knew exactly how to read Mal's body language. He knew had to do something he didn't want. "You're planning on takin' the Doc?"

“Don’t really want to, rather have him here prepared just in case something should happen,” Mal swivelled his chair around to look at Zoe. “Can’t say he’s the most reliable lately. I got Jayne and he’s got the whole powerful demanding demeanour that says ‘I will kick your ass’,” but Simon’s got that uncanny ability to just stare ya down cold.”

Zoe nodded her head. “Ain’t really used to havin’ him play part of the actual game other than that time on Higgin’s Moon.”

“Exactly my point. It was fun watching him flounder ‘round with that guy. Only thing is, can’t afford that with the twins. They’ll see right through him. He needs the practice though. Can’t say I’ve decided one way or the other yet as to takin’ him with me on this one. Just have to wait it out and see the closer we get to Beaumonde.”

“Ain’t nor harm in weighin’ all your options, either.”

"Yup." Mal waved his hand at Zoe's belly, looking uncomfortable even after all this time. He did this at least once a day, if not more. And each time he looked like he was the one who suffered from morning sickness. "And that?"

"This..." Zoe patted her stomach. "Is just fine. Same as last time you asked."

"Why don't you go do something all motherly that isn't off jumpin' down the throats of perfectly well meanin' Captains?"

"Because we're discussing business?"

"Well... there is that. Carry on then."

They spent the next hour just going over plans and discussing the ship in general. Zoe left Mal on the bridge alone. He loved times like this when he was left alone with just Serenity and the empty blackness of space. But his peace was soon disturbed when the door creaked upon. Mal looked back fully expecting to see the girls, but instead Simon was standing there. Looking at him now, you wouldn't believe on a few hours ago he had been all debauched. Now he looked every inch the prime doctor again.

In the way of a greeting, Simon announced, "I'm going with you."

Mal smacked down his hand on the armrest in irritation. "Zoe been talkin' to ya? I thought I told her..."

"I never talked to her about this."

Mal looked even more irritated. "Damn it, then the girls have been listenin' to things they shouldn't..."

Simon shook his head and took a step closer. His hands came behind his back and he stood there is sort of a formal parade rest that Mal used to associate with officers in the army. "No one told me anything. I just know."

"Oh, no..." Mal stood up, the thud of his boots hitting the floor echoed in the room. He stalked over to Simon who didn't back up, getting up real close into his personal space. Mal poked his finger into Simon's chest. "Hell, no! You aren't going to go start doing that whole..." Mal motioned wildly towards Simon’s head. "Thing on me again. I already got two readers onboard my ship. I don't need three. Inside the bedroom was kinda fun, but not on the job or on my ship. I was tryin' to ignore this... but, it's just spooky."

Mal had noticed it more and more lately. Simon was increasingly in tune with him to the point that Mal wanted to scream. It wasn't that Simon didn't give him space. It was just the opposite.

If Mal wanted space, then he wouldn't see hide nor hair of the boy. It was creepy that he could avoid Mal in such a small ship. But then if Mal was feeling all frustrated and itching for a good fight, Simon would appear and pick one. And even if Mal was hungry but not in the mood to eat, sometimes food would appear wherever he was while his back was turned.

Mal moved closer and laid his hand on Simon's chest. He could feel the cross under Simon's shirt. The boy never took it off since Mal had given it to him. "I've noticed you're doing that thing with me."

Simon licked his lips, breath catching from just Mal's touch and here he was doing it again. Simon knew exactly what Mal was talking about. "I can't help it."

“Best get a good hold on it. Don’t need lookin’ after like I’m some young’un.” He unbuttoned the first button on Simon’s shirt, reaching inside to pull out the cross. He let the metal rest heavily in his hand for a moment. “Tell me what you know then, Mr. Top Three Percent.”

Simon’s gaze was steadily locked on where Mal was holding the cross, he shifted a bit. Mal tugged on the necklace and that got Simon’s whole hearted attention. He looked up into Mal’s face, breathing still a bit erratic. “Fanty and Mingo, they want cargo moved out. You’re not looking for a fight and yet you’re expecting one anyway. Zoe’s staying here and you’re taking Jayne. You want to take me with you, but you’re afraid I’ll do more harm than good. That I’ll be a… distraction.”

“Will you be?” Mal asked, tugging on the cord again, pulling Simon in a bit closer. “Can’t be getting all distracted and taking River with me is not an option. I don’t trust the two of them as far as I can throw them. But I do need more backup than just Jayne. No tellin’ what could happen out there.”

Simon couldn’t help it. He gave a low whine in the back of his throat and seemed to lean forward a bit more.

Mal saw the subtle change come over Simon and it drew his brows together. “Simon?”

Simon closed his eyes, unable to really look at the man before him.

 

“I think he’s ready for a test run, don’t you?”

The doctor leaned back in his chair and stared down at his favourite pet, kneeling next to his chair with his head bowed in complete subservience. “You have someone particular in mind? He’s still relatively new to all of this. He’s only ever been tested in a controlled environment.”

The man gave a small grin. “You’re his controller. I’m sure you can manage to make him understand the parameters of the mission. He would never willingly go against his family’s wishes.”

“Unless ordered by me, of course.” Benway leaned forward across the desk. “What is so gorram [damn] all important about him breaking his sister out of the institute anyway? She’s the only surviving test subject in her age group, definitely in need of being studied. Not to mention if we get caught we’ll have more to deal with than you can possibly imagine.”

“Let Blue Sun worry about their own problems. You said yourself back in the last report he could never be a true assassin because his DNA programming was slightly off. Forget keeping him around as a pawn and let him loose into the game.” The man leaned back, his Parliament uniform looking every bit pristine and in place. “I have my reasons and so do the people I represent. Better to let the world find out about our failure on Miranda this way and be able to save face. Not to mention, we’ll be able to track them. Things are already in motion that you can’t stop. You’ll get to see your precious pet again, Doctor. He may end up surprising you when all is said and done.”

Benway sat back in his chair, fingers steepled under his chin. “What’s in it for me?” He looked over his shoulder at the other man leaning in the doorway.

“So glad you asked,” answered the rough voice. “You were involved in the founding of the Genesis program. If everything goes as planned, you’ll get Tam back, his sister, and you can keep anything or anyone else that comes along with them. More toys for your… pleasure, to do with as you see fit.”

Benway smiled. “I think you may have yourself a deal.”

 

The faraway look in Simon's eyes sent a chill up Mal's spin. He tightened his grip on the cross and tugged. "Simon!" When there was no response Mal shook Simon and still his eyes looked past Mal. He dropped the cross and in desperation grabbed Simon's face between his palms, turning Simon to look at him. He hated to use Simon's training against him, but his mind couldn't latch onto anything else. "Boy, pay attention to me. That's an order!"

Simon blinked a few times, but was still off somewhere. "Yes, sir?"

"That's better..." Mal praised and gave him a little shake. "What's going on in that head of yours? You tell me."

Simon's brows drew together in concentration and confusion. It was like something was warring in his mind. "I don't think I'm supposed to tell you..."

"The hell you aren't..." Mal hissed. Someone had been messing around in Simon's head and Mal hated it. He leaned in close and kissed him savagely. He wrapped one arm around Simon's waist drawing him in closer and the other hand fisted in Simon's hair. When he pulled away, he hissed possessively at Simon, "You belong to me. No one else."

Simon shivered in his grasp a mix of emotions dancing over his face. Guilt and confusion. Desire and anger.

Mal growled at Simon, "Tell me."

Simon closed his eyes and answered, "Now that I completed my mission... I'm supposed to return home."

Mal frowned, shaking his head. “You are home. What in the gorram [damn] hell are you talkin’ about?”

Simon blinked a few times and then shook his head, his face transforming again to a normal expression. “I’m sorry. What were we talking about?”

Mal took a step forward again. “You’re stayin’ on the ship.”

Simon immediately protested, “You’re going to need me out there…”

“What’s the last thing you remember?” Mal countered, taking a step back and crossing his arms over his chest.

“What are you talking about?”

Mal nodded his head. “Just now, what’s the last thing you remember after I kissed you?”

Simon’s brow scrunched up and he shook his head. “This is ridiculous, Captain.”

“I’d say it’s a lot worse than that.” Mal swiped a hand over his face. “You said something about a mission, about going home.”

Simon’s face went slack for a moment. “What?”

“Look, I want you to stay on the ship until we figure this out a bit more. Not taking any chances with you, hear me?” Mal wanted badly to reach out and touch Simon’s face but he refrained from doing so. The boy had a tendency of being able to suddenly get his way when any type of affection was shown. He managed to twist Mal in knots until he was able to accomplish what he wanted. It was damn disturbing how quickly Mal would give in. He wasn’t about to do it this time. “We won’t be long.”

"You need me there, Captain."

Mal's hands balled into fist. More than anything else what set off his temper was Simon's calm insistence that he was right. Simon knew more than anything else he hated to be questioned. "The hell I do."

"You need someone there other than Jayne to watch your back." Simon hand came out to hold onto the cross. He had taken to touching it at the oddest moments. "If I get out of line, put me down."

One shot. Like a dog. The mental imagine made Mal's stomach churn and sour taste rise in his mouth. "You're not going and that's final."

Simon stepped in closer, daring to rest his hand on Mal's arm. "You're not worth risking. None of the others are. It's the logical choice."

Mal back-pedalled, putting distance between them. “I’ve been doin’ this much longer than you have. You’ll keep your gorram [damn] ass here, where it belongs. I don’t need another body count like last time.”

“Those bodies would have been yours and Jayne’s if I hadn’t gone against your orders,” Simon countered.

“Don’t push me, Simon. I mean it.” Mal’s tone was threatening. He lifted a hand and pointed his finger in Simon’s direction. “I ain’t one for morals but I’m willing to do something you won’t like if you try to go and disobey me.”

Simon could feel something crawling along his nerves, pushing at him. “You’re going to try ordering me to stay here again? Didn’t work so well the last time.”

“Can do something much worse if you ain’t shutting that gorram [damn] mouth of yours right quick.”

“I’m going with you.”

“No… you’re really not.”

Simon was getting the stubborn set to his face. “Mal.”

“Simon.” Mal lifted his hand and rubbed it over his own face in frustration. “For once just do as you’re told.”

Simon laughed. “Because that’s what it comes down to, doesn’t it, Mal? Your ship. Your rules. Your….”

The words slipped out of Mal’s mouth before he could stop himself. “Veni viddi vicci.”

The reaction wasn't instantaneous like with River. It would have been easier on Mal if it had been. He regretted the tactic the moment he saw the flash of realization cross Simon's face. Those brown eyes looked at him with such sorrow and accusation before they changed. The intelligence and spirit that marked Simon were gone. His face relaxed and his gaze dropped. With the same grace Simon had shown so often before, Simon sunk down to his knees in front of Mal with his head hung and hand placed demurely on his thighs.

"Goa se [Crap]." Mal swore. This wasn't going how Mal wanted. He wasn't sure what was going to happen, but the command had just slipped from his lips. "Simon, look at me." Simon looked up at him, but didn't speak. Mal knew that he wouldn't without a direct order. "You can speak."

"I'm sorry, sir."

"Christ on crutches." Mal could help but reach out and caress Simon's cheek. And the way Simon reacted to the tiny bit of affection made Mal feel like he was a piece of shit. Simon rubbed his cheek against Mal's hand and reverently kissed the palm. "Simon..."

"I made you do it, sir," Simon's tone lacked any of his usual intensity and ire. "I deserved this." Simon drew Mal's fingers into his mouth and starting to suck on this. His eyes drifted shut and his hand came up to lock onto Mal's wrist to keep him from pulling his hand away.

“Oh, juh jen sh guy kwai leh duh jean-jan. [Oh, this is a happy development],” Mal muttered sarcastically under his breath. Mal shook his head, trying hard to deny the demands his body was giving him. With a sigh he dropped to his knees, still allowing Simon to suckle at his fingers. He reached out with his other hand and rested it along Simon’s cheek, getting a strange thrill from feeling Simon’s tongue moving beneath the skin over his fingers. “I want you to listen to me now, Simon. Pay attention.”

Simon’s eyes locked with his, ever alert and ready but he made no move to release the digits in his mouth. With a roll of his eyes, Mal drew his hand back but not before Simon nipped at the pad of his middle finger.

“Whatever you want, Captain.”

He hadn’t quite figured out what it was that brought Simon out of this state yet. It wouldn’t do for him to leave Simon behind on the ship now. But with him like this he’d definitely follow orders a lot easier and maybe this was the better decision of the two. He didn’t like it, but it would suit his purpose for the time being. “I want you to go get changed. Put on something not quite so… clean and proper. You gotta play the part of a mercenary for a bit. Can you do that?”

“Yes, sir.” Simon still didn’t move, eyes staring right back at Mal.

“Okay then. You go get changed and then go double check the supplies in the medbay. Make sure everything’s ready in case we got complications. You’ll report down to the cargo hold when I call for you over the intercom, got it?”

“Yes, sir,” Simon answered again.

“Good. Go.”

Simon got up with that same grace and moved out of the cockpit quietly. Mal watched him go and then smacked his forehead against the back of the pilot's chair. He swore the plastic dinosaurs were mocking him.

Mal groaned out loud to the empty cockpit, "Wash, I swear to God I can hear you laughing at me…"


	18. Chapter 18

Mal was waiting for Simon in the cargo bay with Jayne after calling for him on the intercom. It was Jayne's low whistle that drew Mal's attention to the boy.

Jayne had a rifle slung over his shoulder and swung it down to his side. "Well, shit…"

Mal ground his teeth together when he saw Simon. The boy had done exactly what Mal had ordered him to. He sure as hell didn't look like the doctor they knew. Simon was dressed all in black, right down to a pair of black leather army boots. His hair was slicked back and mussed up a bit. Simon was wearing those damn round sunglasses Mal remembered from his first day boarding Serenity. The snug black long sleeved shirt clung to Simon's chest leaving visible a strip of stomach just above the low slung black cargo pants. Simon looked slightly rumpled and dangerous. His expression was slightly distant and sulky. He also looked fuckable. Mal wanted to punch something or someone. Probably Simon and most definitely Jayne.

“So much for not being a distraction,” Mal mumbled under his breath. The cross was plainly visible, just a bit of flash as it caught the low lighting in the cargo bay. Mal had to force his eyes away. Jayne was snickering quietly, fist covering his mouth as he faked a cough.

It was when Simon was right in front of him that Mal suddenly got a strange feeling in the pit of his gut. Simon’s eyes were on his then dropped down. Mal reached out and grabbed a hold of Simon’s wrist, halting the boy from dropping to his knees right there in full view of Jayne and anyone else who happened to walk through. “This wasn’t exactly what I was expecting, Doc.”

Simon’s expression shifted for just a second before turning stoic. “Do I need to go find something else?”

Jayne reached out and slapped Simon on the back. “Think it looks mighty fine there, Doc. If nothin’ else, you’ll be keepin’ everyone’s attention on you instead of the Captain. Might make us a few extra credits while we’re at it. You know how to work a pole there, prissy boy?”

Before Mal could barely register the movement, Simon had pulled out a dagger and had the knife pressed against Jayne's throat. His sunglasses were still on, the light from over head reflecting off of them. Simon smiled as he leaned in and whispered to Jayne, pressing the blade against his skin. "Are you calling me a whore?"

Jayne's eyes bugged out. "Ah, no…"

"Because only one man has the right to do that." Simon pressed the blade in just enough to leave a small cut. "And you're not that man."

"Simon!" Mal bellowed stepping forward and his hand going to his sidearm. "That's enough!"

At the command, Simon backed away with a smirk on his face. "Yes, sir."

Mal saw now that Simon's personality had shifted a little bit even from the initial command in the cockpit. Now shades of the other personality were evident. The personality that spoke of a killer and scared the shit out of Mal. Simon was flipping the blade in his hand looking sullen. Like a toy had been taken away from him.

Jayne's hand came to his throat. "Crazy son of a bitch. I thought you had him under control?"

Before Mal could answer Simon took a threatening step towards Jayne again and the bigger man backed up. Simon's smirk just got bigger. He sheathed the knife but quickly pulled out from somewhere a surgical blade. "He does. If I wanted to kill you, I would have." He held up the surgical knife and made a quick cutting motion through the air. "Small, concealable… fun. I prefer these. I could have cut you so you bled out like a stuck pig." Simon cocked his head to the side and pushed down his sunglasses just a little. "But, I didn't." With another hand he caressed the rifle still on Jayne's shoulder. "Guns are so brutal. They require no finesse. You kill someone with a blade, you have to mean it." Simon's smirk grew to a grin. "You're lucky the Captain doesn't want me to kill you, now aren't you?" Simon shot Jayne a purely seductive look. "You aren't afraid of a lil' prissy boy are you? A big, scary man like you?"

Jayne looked at Simon in open shock before turning to look at Mal. “What in the hell did ya do to him!?”

Mal shook his head. “I didn’t do a thing!”

There was a commotion above them and Mal looked up to find River, Li, and Inara looking down. River had strange look on her face as she stared down at her brother. With graceful steps she started down the stairs until she was standing next to her brother. One hand gently on his elbow, she steered him around until he was facing her. She titled her head, studying him. Simon never said a word, just watched her with a lifted eyebrow. She was searching for something and the expression on her face worried Mal to no end. Then she was taking a few quick steps backward, shaking her head so that her hair flew around her face.

“You can’t be here,” River whispered. “It’s improbable. Too many of you at one time!” Her voice was rising and she was still moving backwards, tripping over the first step to the stairs that lead to the upper level catwalks. “Blue in your veins. Shining out of you like a cancer!”

“River,” Mal called. “What in the hell are you playin’ at?”

Inara and Li had followed River down. Li went straight to River and pulled off the socks she was wearing on her hands, stuffing them down the front of her shirt. Li laid her bare hands on River’s bare arms. She turned to Mal and explained, “She wants her brother back.”

Mal motioned towards Simon. “He’s right here.”

Li rubbed arms, trying to comfort her. “He’s like a pretty stained glass window. All different colours, broken up but still whole. Tainted by the blue hands. The real Simon’s been pushed down.”

River turned accusing eyes on Mal. She pulled away from Li, wrapping her arms around her torso. “You did this. He was just keeping his head above the water, then you push him back down below the waves. Those words drown him!”

Simon took the sunglasses off, revealing he had his eyes rimmed with kohl and slipped them into his pocket. He stepped closer to River and Li, but didn’t reach for either of them. “Mei mei, he had no choice. I was being pathetic.”

River shook her head hard, hair flying with the movement. “Not your mei-mei. You’re not him.” She pushed past Li, moving to stand behind Inara. “False. Fake. Corrupted. Tainted. You are no one.”

All the talk was making Jayne more agitated than he already was. He leaned towards Mal and kept his voice low. “Whatcha say we just get on outta here and get this over with, huh? We can worry about the crazy girl when we get back.”

Mal couldn’t help but agree. He hadn’t told the crew anything about the split personalities of Simon yet. They didn’t need to know as far as he was concerned. Not at the moment anyway. He gave Jayne a curt nod of his head before calling Simon’s name.

They started down the cargo bay, heading for the ramp. Mal gave one final look over his shoulder before smacking the lowering button. The stale air of Beaumonde rushed in to greet them along with the sounds of chaotic civilization.

“Don’t like this one gorram [damn] bit, Mal.” Jayne shouldered his weapon again, hand resting lightly on the stock.

“Thinkin’ I might be agreein’ with ya this time, Jayne. Keep an eye on the Doc.”

Jayne grunted. “Fanty and Mingo ain’t nothing compared to how twitchy your little boy toy’s makin’ me.” And that was a lot considering how Jayne never admitted to fear.

Mal almost choked as he tried to swallow past the lump of nervousness in his own throat.

Simon was walking behind Mal and had slipped the glasses back on. Even his walk had changed. For all of the Doc standoffishness, under it all there was a bundle of insecurities that shone through sometimes. Kaylee called it sweet, but Mal just thought it made the boy human. Now all of that was gone. Simon moved like a different creature. He was the definition of sly and sexuality.

“He’d best not hear you callin’ him my boy toy,” Mal warned Jayne. “God knows how many blades he’s got hidden on him.”

Jayne rubbed absently at the fresh wound on his throat. “It’s not natural. Him or them girls.”

“I think that’s the point. Whatever they are, ain’t natural.” Mal fixed Jayne with a pointed stare. “But that doesn’t make them any less our family. And just you remember, that boy’s mine.”

“Hey no problem there, Captain. You go right ahead and keep your claim on Doctor Jekyll if you want him. I ain’t about to take him from ya.” Jayne let his pace slow, allowing Mal to lead the way now that they were getting close to the Maidenhead. They checked their guns at the door, placing them in lock up before continuing down the stairs again. Mal looked off to the left as he hit the last step, finding the vid screen still mounted to the wall. If any Fruity Oaty Bar commercials came on he was slamming his hands over Simon’s ears and hauling ass out of there.

One of the twins greeted Mal right away. “Captain Reynolds, nice of you to join us.”

Mal gave a look at one of the twins and gave a forced smile. “Hello, Fanty. Where’s your brother creepin’?”

Fanty gave a laugh. “He’s holdin’ our table. Where’s that beautiful Amazon hiding, Mal? Always a treat to see her.”

And just as Mal was ready to give the excuse he’d conjured in his head, he felt Simon press against his back. There was no other way to describe the feeling but to say the he felt Simon slither against him. Simon draped himself over Mal, his head resting on Mal’s shoulder.

“You want Mal to think you’re talking about Zoe, but I know who you’re talking about.” He popped the sunglasses a little down his nose and smirked at Fanty. “My baby sister is unavailable.”

Fanty did not look pleased and frowned. “Is she dead?”

“No, very much not so.” Simon’s grip tightened on Mal. “She told me to tell you that Mingo snores like a warthog.”

Mal’s mouth gapped open and he was starting to move to push Simon away to start apologising when Fanty started to laugh. It was a deep belly laugh and he smiled. “I like him, Captain.” Now Fanty’s gaze settled on Simon, darkening a little. “I can certainly see the family resemblance. He’s delicious. ”

“And just as unavailable. We ain’t here for this no how. We got business,” Mal growled out, shrugging his shoulder to get Simon to back off. He did but not before letting his hand slide along Mal’s side. They made their way over to the designated table, Jayne and Mal taking a seat while Simon stood off to the side, eyes scanning the room for any obvious threat.

Mingo grinned at them, sipping some vibrant green drink from his glass. “Good to see you, Malcolm.”

“Somehow I seriously doubt that.” Mal leaned forward and rested his elbows on the table. “What do you have for me?”

The brothers exchanged a look. “Right to business then?”

Mal made a ‘hurry up’ gesture with his hands. Jayne just glared at them.

“You’ve certainly become less fun over the years.”

Fanty kept looking at Simon in a way that didn't please Mal at all. Simon sure as hell was a distraction, but not just to him. "Simon, go get me a drink."

The order was clipped and Mal didn't even look at Simon. Simon simply nodded and sauntered towards the bar. He could feel Mal's tension and it was putting him on edge. More than anything else was the fact that Simon knew he was the source of the tension. Mal didn't trust him.

When he got to the bar, Simon leaned against it and smiled to himself. This was actually a better vantage point to monitor the room. Simon was in no actual rush to order a drink because he knew the order had been a way of telling him to fuck off while Mal did business. He ran a sweaty palm over his shirt, wondering if he shouldn't have changed. The outfit had appealed to him and made sense after Mal had said the command words. It was black and Simon knew it would appeal to Mal. Looking at himself in the mirror over the bar, Simon had to admit the kohl had been added to appease his own vanity in seducing Mal rather than serve any real purpose.

Simon's body language became more sullen as he watched Mal talking to the twins out of the corner of his eye. Simon knew the man standing next to him at the bar was moving closer. He could all but feel the man's lust for him and wanted to take his blade out, but he remembered Mal's command. Mal had told him no trouble. That meant no fighting or killing. And besides, unless the man was threatening Mal, there was no need for such tactics.

The man was just as large as Jayne and probably just as stupid. "Hello, pretty."

Simon didn’t take his eyes off the mirror, watching as the man looked back at him through that glass. He didn’t say a word, just watched, glancing over to where Mal was still seated. Everything looked good so far.

“How much?”

Simon shifted a bit, lifting one of the shots he’d ordered for Mal to his lips and slammed it back. He put the glass back down and waved a hand at the bartender to refill it. The man pressed closer. Simon could smell alcohol and a sweat coming off the man in waves. “Hey, boy, I asked how much? You dumb or somethin’?”

Simon never looked at the man, just kept his eyes trained on Mal. “I’m taken.”

The guy laughed, his hand landing low on Simon’s back. “Pay ya double whatever your John’s payin’.” The hand dipped lower, fingers slipping into the top of Simon’s pants.

There was a surge of two emotions in Simon. One was immediate panic and fear of Mal because something kept telling him he shouldn't be touched without permission. He wanted to hurt this man for daring to touch what wasn't his. But the other part remembered Mal's command of no trouble.

Mal still hadn't noticed anything was wrong. His head was turned and deep in conversation. Simon knew he couldn't be a distraction and complication. That order had been clear. To draw Mal away from this deal would take away or endanger a badly needed job.

Simon shifted away from the man, pushing his hand away. "I'm not a whore."

The roughneck's hand settled on Simon's chin, tilting his face up. "Sure look like one to me... pretty thing like you looks like you was born to spread for a man." He leaned in close and whispered to Simon with a whiskey sick breath, "Bet you beg for it. Like it rough."

“I told you, I’m not a whore.”

The man grabbed a hold of Simon’s elbow, spinning him around to face him. “No, ya didn’t. Told me you was taken. I’m thinkin’ you’re lyin’ to me now. Think I can’t pay, s’at it? Can’t afford to be picky now can ya?” One large hand came up to tangle in the cross sitting on Simon’s chest. He gave it a tug, pulling Simon in closer. “Or, could be pretty, rich boy’s slummin’ it up down here? Not a whore at all. Bet you’ll look right shiny all marked up with my prints.”

Simon eyes went wide and he started to push away, managing to knock one of the shot glasses over behind him. He was going to cause a scene. He was going to mess the whole deal up. That confidence of his one persona was starting to shatter with the fear of Mal finding him like this, hating him for allowing this man to touch him, to touch his necklace. It didn’t matter now how many blades he was carrying on him as his mind shifted, his balance seeming to suddenly go askew. He was more himself now as he stared up at the barbarian in front of him. He wouldn’t be able to defend himself if this man tried anything. He wouldn’t be able to help Mal. “Please, just… let me go.”

One punch. Simon knew it would only take one punch and he could start a fight he might not win, but it would attract Mal and Jayne’s attention. But he was frozen. Trapped with the command Mal had given him.

"Don't think so..." The man licked his lips and he gave the cord around Simon's neck another tug.

Mal was in the middle of negotiating the arrival time for the delivery when he saw Mingo look up. Mingo exchanged a look with Fanty. It was the same type of exchange Mal has seen too many times between River and Simon in that spooky unspoken language of close siblings.

"No need to worry about it, Captain," Fanty started to speak. It was Mingo who finished the sentence. "Our security will take care of it. Ehor had a penchant for getting too touchy with anyone who doesn't look a dog." Fanty offered Mal a toothy grin. "Not that your boy is a dog... or bitch, far from it..."

Mal should have known something was wrong. Simon had been too silent and Mal had just chalked it up to the reaction of the command. He turned to see Simon pressed against the bar and a blind rage over took him. Jayne was sitting next to him, blocking him from getting to Simon.

He started to shove at Jayne, wanting to move the big lug of a man out of his way. The man, Ehor, was already in the process of making his play, long studded tongue reaching out to swipe a wet streak along Simon’s cheek. Mal finally grabbed the edge of the table and flipped it, sending everything flying in all directions. “Simon!”

Simon heard his name, the wrath behind it and instantly cringed. Turning his head just enough he saw Mal making his way across the room, footsteps eating up the space between them. He closed his eyes and shuddered at the revulsion of this man’s hands on him, his tongue.

No one was paying too much attention to them. There were a few onlookers with raised eyebrows and surreptitious glances but none made a move. Mal was reaching for his gun, realizing just a moment too late that he didn’t have it on him. No problem. “Simon! Fight back!”

And just like that, Simon’s hands reached up, grabbing the man’s hand holding tight to the cord of the necklace. He squeezed. He squeezed hard. He felt fingers snap under his steel grasp.

“Let go,” Mal ordered. Just as Simon was letting up on the grip, Mal was there, pulling Simon towards him. The man was choking and look like he wanted to murder Simon. Mal wrapped his arms around Simon, pulling him even closer. “Are you willing to die for an unwilling piece of ass?”

Simon buried his face against Mal’s neck, taking the comfort while he could. The closeness and touch was exactly what he craved, but did nothing to comfort the dread. Simon knew it was only a matter of time before it was taken away from him. Simon’s lips moved in silent apology, repeating over and over again how sorry he was. Mal had called him a piece of ass and he knew exactly that’s what he was.

One look at Mal’s murderous glare made the man reconsider instantly fighting for the boy. “He’s not worth the trouble even if he was begging for it.”

Mal clenched his fist tight in Simon’s shirt, the other at his side. “Suggest you take a walk before I break those legs a’yours.”

The man took a step back, bumping into the stool behind him. “Not a problem. Just make sure you keep your pet on a short leash there, bud. Else you may find him missing.”

Simon looked up from where he’d hidden his face in Mal’s shoulder. Ehor scrunched up his face and made a kissy face at him. “See ya ‘round, dollface.”

Mal started to move again but Simon held fast to him. “Please, Mal…”

Mal stood tense in his spot until the man was completely out of sight. He pulled back, pushing Simon away from him to get a good look at the boy for a moment. “Can’t let you outta my sight for a minute, can I?”

“I-I’m sor-”

Mal’s grip tightened on Simon to the point of pain. “Why did you let him touch you?”

“You told me not to cause trouble.” Simon knew he was in the wrong. He had brought this down on himself and would have to take the punishment. His immediate concern was to get Mal’s attention focused back on the deal. Simon tried to centre himself. “You need to concentrate on the deal, Captain. You can punish me later.”

Mal wanted nothing more than to take Simon out of here, but hearing Simon talk about punishment, he had a sickening notion that Simon had done this on purpose. There was no rational thought thinking that whatever state Simon was in was against his will. All Mal could think about was someone else touching Simon and even the possibility of Simon inviting the attention enraged him. “That’s exactly what you want. Sometimes you’re not worth the trouble.”

Mal watched as Simon shivered, his face going slack before he suddenly had his doctor back, the regular Simon Tam. His arms came up to wrap around himself, trying to cover the expanse of skin showing at his navel.

“I’m sorry.” Simon’s whole demeanour had changed back, no longer under the thrall of the command. “I should go back to the ship. I should check on River and Li.”

Mal’s brain screamed at him. Leave it to Simon to come back to himself and suddenly want to vanish away from everything, just totally embrace the doctor persona and lock himself away in that crazy head of his.

Mal turned around, motioned for Jayne a moment. When the larger man was finally in front of him, he leaned in close so that no one else could hear what was being said. “Listen up good, Jayne. Simon’s… Simon. You got that.”

Jayne groaned. “Ai ya, wo mun wan leh. [We’re in big trouble].”

“Don’t I know it. They been doin’ any talkin’ while I’ve been over here?”

Jayne’s lips raised in a smirk. “Seein’ as how you ran a man out of here for touchin’ your property they’re all kinds of antsy to see you do this job. I think they’re gonna bite at whatever price you give ‘em.”

Mal nodded his head. “I’m hittin’ the head for a minute then. Keep ‘em busy until I get back.” Grabbing Simon roughly by the wrist, he pulled the younger man behind and towards the ugly excuse of a bathroom.

Once inside, he gave a murderous look to the two men in there and they quickly scattered. Mal shoved Simon into one of the stalls and backed him right up against the nearest wall. “You listen to me and you listen up good, Doc. I ain’t got time for this right now. We’ll discuss it all later back on the ship after we’ve sealed the deal and break atmo. Right now I need you to do the job you were given before we started. You got that?”

Simon’s eyes were wide and he shook his head. “Mal, I can’t be that person!”

Nodding his head, Mal reached out and laid his hand along Simon’s cheek. “I know, that’s why this is gonna be so damn hard for me.”

“What are you talking about?”

Leaning in quickly, Mal pressed his lips over Simon’s, arms wrapping tight around the boy’s waist as he bit and nibbled along with the kiss. Once Simon was pliant and panting in his arms, he skimmed his lips along soft, smooth skin until he made it to Simon’s ear. “Sorry, Simon. But I don’t need you right now. I need someone else. Veni viddi vicci.”

He held Simon tight through the shudder that overtook him, only pulling back when his breathing was back to normal. “You with me?”

The change was easier this time. When Simon pushed away, the mask was seamless. There was no shadows left of the Doc. The only sign that Simon had been in the same body was the slight smudging of the kohl around this creature’s eyes. This Simon was all business now. Whereas Simon usually sought Mal’s touch, he now retreated and tugged at his pants, lowering them down his hips where he had just pulled them up only a few minutes before.

Simon was already opening the door to the stall. “We have a job to do. Tell them I sucked you off if you need an excuse.”

Mal didn’t like this, but knew it was necessary. “Simon?”

Simon pulled out the sunglasses from one of the pockets of his cargo pants and slipped them on. His face became cold. “Concentrate on fixing my mistakes now, please. I’ll keep my mouth shut.” Mal reached out to touch Simon, but Simon backed away, shaking his head. “We don’t have time.”

Mal didn’t like the fact that Simon was resisting him in just about every manner possible. Growling low in his throat, he lunged forward, grabbing Simon by the back of his neck. He reeled the boy in close, feeling Simon’s hands come up to press on his chest. “Got half a mind to go ahead and make you suck me off right now so I ain’t lyin’. You don’t get to tell me what to do.”

Simon’s tongue swept out to wet his lips before he leaned forward and did the same to Mal’s. “I’m trying to be the voice of reason here, Captain. But if you order me to I can’t object. You’ve certainly made sure of that now, haven’t you?”

Not caring about time or circumstance, Mal’s fingers slid up into Simon’s hair and he yanked. As soon as Simon’s throat was exposed he leaned in and bit down, hard. “You remember who the hell is in charge, you got that?”

“Sure thing, Captain.”

When Mal drew back, Simon merely grinned smugly and adjusted himself in his cargos before turning to move out of the stall. Mal couldn’t help but stare at the delectably clad ass as they made their way back to the table. Fanty and Mingo did nothing to hide their jealous looks and sly grins. Mal did nothing to prove their thoughts wrong. “Now gentleman, where did we leave off?”

Jayne shot a glance in Simon’s direction and shivered. He didn’t like this Simon one gorram [damn] bit.


	19. Chapter 19

Simon performed flawlessly for the rest of the meeting in the bar. He was still a distraction, but still at least a silent one. Fanty and Mingo seemed quite taken and distracted by Simon. Mal was sure he couldn’t have gotten the deal he got out of them if Simon hadn’t been there. The twins were sidetracked and their negotiating skills suffered accordingly. It was a hint of what Simon had been trained to do. The young man could seduce, distract and lure targets with ease. After the deal was completed with a hand shake, Mal grabbed Simon by the arm and led him out of the bar with Jayne on their heels.

He knew he was in for hell when he got back to Serenity. As they drew closer to the docks, Mal drew Simon closer and hissed into his ear, “How do I get my Simon back?”

The look Simon gave him made his stomach churn, as did the words he spoke. “Why would you want him back?” Simon’s eyes were sad, but still not his Simon. He felt wrong.

“Because he’s mine.” Mal couldn’t believe he was arguing with Simon about himself. The realization was starting to set in exactly what sort of number the bastards had done to the boy.

“You don’t want him… me.” Simon’s tone wasn’t angry, but quietly accepting. “Not really. That was plain as day when you gave us the command. You rejected him for the pathetic ji bai [pussy] he is.”

Jayne’s footsteps faltered for a minute and he craned his head around to look at them. “What in the gorram [damn] hell are ya’ll talkin’ ‘bout back there? Ain’t makin’ a bit of sense.”

“Gwon nee tze-jee duh shr! [Mind your own business!],” Mal snapped back, watching as the merc just rolled his eyes as he called ahead on the comm for them to open the bay doors.

Simon merely chuckled. “We find it quite funny that Jayne’s afraid of us.”

“There’s no ‘us’ in this. There’s just Simon and I’ll be wanting him back.”

“I am Simon. Well, a part of him anyway. And did you ever think that maybe he doesn’t want to come back?” was the offhand remark as he started up the ramp and into the cargo bay.

Mal swore to himself and watched the boy go. This wasn’t happening. They had a damn good and easy job to do that would get them credits. Everything had been running smoothly and now this damn monkey wrench was screwing it all up.

Inara was standing at the base of the stairs when Mal finally got on board, her brow wrinkled as she stared up at Simon’s back. She turned the full force of her eyes on Mal and he flinched. Not liking the way she was looking at him. “What?”

“I didn’t know he’d been practicing his acting. He barely seems like the same man.”

“He’s chock full of surprises,” Mal ground out, smacking the ramp lift button. He then turned and pressed the comm. “Zoe? Our packages arrive?”

“Yes, sir, Captain. All stowed and ready.”

“Good.” He pressed it again. “River, get me off this piece of go-se [crap] planet.”

The only answer Mal got was River swearing at him over the intercom. “Chi shi! [Fuck off!]”

Mal stabbed his finger back down on the button. “Don’t pull this with me, now! Get my ship in the air!”

River’s reply came back right away. “Wo cao ni ba bei zi zu zong! [Fuck eight generations of your ancestors!] You hate him. You’re supposed to protect him, not push into the abyss. Bad Captain!”

Mal just gaped at the intercom. “Did she just call me… bad Captain?”

Jayne nodded helpfully. “Just like she was talkin’ to a dog.”

Simon was still standing in the spot where Mal had left him, but he was slouched against one of the transport boxes. “She’s not happy with you, Captain. I’m afraid she doesn’t like me very much.”

“What in the hell is going on?” Inara asked, walking towards Simon.

“Nothing much…” Simon sighed like he was bored. “The Captain just traded in the ol’ me for a new model. I’m afraid he didn’t like me the other way. I was weak.”

Inara stopped where she was, not going any closer to Simon. “What happened to the old Simon?”

Simon tapped the side of his head and smiled. “Locked away weeping like a child. He doesn’t want to believe that the Captain doesn’t want him. Doesn’t want to believe the betrayal.”

Mal winced at the string of cursed that came out of Inara’s mouth. This Simon actually snickered and had to cover his mouth.

Inara glared at Mal. “Malcolm Reynolds, what in the name of merciful Buddha is going on here?”

Mal reached back and scratched at his neck. “Can’t say I rightly know at the moment either. Lemme get back to you on that one, okay?” He started forward, grabbing at Simon’s shirt with both hands. “My quarters, right now.”

Simon laughed again, tilting his head back and Mal got a good look at the bite mark he’d left on that slender pale neck. Simon’s hands settled on Mal’s waist before sliding back and down to grab at his ass. “Sure thing, Captain. How do you want me when you get there?”

Mal’s mouth was open and trying to catch flies. “Beg pardon?”

“Naked and spread out on your bunk, or naked and kneeling? Or, maybe even naked and against the ladder, legs spread…”

Mal’s hand came up to slap a hand over Simon’s mouth. “Just… go. Now.”

Mal jumped when Simon’s hand squeezed his backside again and couldn’t fight the blush on his cheeks after the boy had disappeared. Inara’s arms were crossed over her chest as she stared him down.

Mal didn’t want to have any part of this. “What?”

Inara rolled her eyes. “You’re playing with fire, Mal. I hope you know that. I can take a wild guess as to what’s going on and I’d probably be right.”

“You let me handle this for right now. I’m working on it.” He walked over and slapped the comm unit again. “Why in the hell is my ship still not in the air!?”

“Broken things can’t fly!” River shouted back, but he could hear her flipping switches and the engine gave a loud thrum as it fired. “They sure as hell can crash and burn.”

Inara reached out and laid her hand on Mal’s arm. “Mal, this isn’t a game.”

Mal hated complications. It was one of the reason he never pushed things with Inara. But for a flash a moments, he regretted what never was. Because he suspected that whatever complication he would’ve gotten into with her would’ve been far less of a mess than the ones he was eyeballs deep with Simon. It was a flash of regrets that Simon wasn’t still flirting with Kaylee like the way things had been before Miranda.

The intercom came on again and over the roar of the engines, River yelled at Mal, “You don’t have a heart! He knows! He can feel you wishing him away and it’s driving him deeper, farther away. No heart… stop!”

Mal pulled away from Inara’s touch, the rush of blood in his ears almost too much to bear. He’d done this. He was the real complication, always had been. “I gotta check on Simon.”

As Mal walked away, Inara sighed and shook her head. “Yes, of course. But who’s going to be the one to check on you?”

 

River was working frantically over the flight controls, mumbling the whole time as they broke atmo to Beaumonde. Hair a wild mess around her face and fingers flying from dial to button to switch, she ran strictly on instinct. She tried to push the stem of rage from her mind but it seemed to grow and pulse in her temples, spreading down into her fingers and toes with each passing beat.

Li sat watching her, eyes wide and legs pulled up to her chest in the co-pilot’s chair. Her soft brown eyes were bloodshot, her body covered in a line of goose bumps as she felt River’s anger flow through her like water through a sieve. River had the course set and she slumped forward resting her head on the metal console to let the cold seep into her overheated skin.

Li’s hands in her hair made her react. She turned and shoved hard, pushing Li back with a force she hadn’t exerted since Miranda. The small girl went tumbling over backwards but caught herself, managing to roll into a backward somersault that turned into a splayed out crouch along the floor of the bridge. River froze, saw herself in Li’s posture and felt her stomach turn over, felt it dance around like too much wine and song and she was spinning… spinning… out of control.

Then cool hands on her forehead again and she was resting. So very tired, so very used and misused and tossed to the side only to be pulled back in again. No gloves, no blue hands, just cool skin touching overheated flesh. Child’s hands that were so dangerous and yet tender like a baby sister.

“Can’t rest,” she whispered.

“Can. I can do this,” Li told her. “You take care of me, let me help you this once. Our secret.”

‘I’ll watch her, River. I’ll be right here the whole time,’ Wash coaxed in her mind.

“Captain will be mad.”

“He won’t know. Now sleep.”

River tried to push against the blackness of sleep but it came calling with open arms, claiming her, hiding her, forcing her down… down… down… until there was nothing.

 

Mal wasn't sure what he was going to find when he went down into his room. What he wanted was his old Simon back. What he saw when his feet hit the floor and he turned to see Simon who wasn't Simon lounging on his bed.

His Simon would have been torn up and probably waiting to pick a fight. This Simon was sprawled on the bed, his head hanging off the side and looking up at Mal. The tight black shirt was on, but had hiked up enough to see the pale expanse of stomach. The boots were gone and he had his bare feet resting on the wall. The damn sunglasses were perched on the tip of this impostor’s nose.

"You hate him…" The Simon who wasn't Simon singed-songed.

"Shut up." Mal stared down at him.

"You might as well call me Simon, because I'm still him."

"You are not Simon!"

"Not-Simon, huh?" He chuckled and ran his fingers over his stomach. "That works for me. I've been called worse… especially by you."

"I want to talk to Simon."

"Mmm…" Not-Simon seemed to consider the requested and then shook his head. "No, I don't think so. He doesn't want to talk to you. He's feeling a little… what's the word I'm looking for? Tortured? Betrayed? Guilty? Unloved?" The fingers hand moved up his stomach, hitching the shirt higher. "Thinks this is all his fault. Keeps saying he made you do it. It's rather annoying really."

Mal took a step closer. "I didn't mean…"

"Oh, yes, you did. You ripped him up inside, Captain. You sent him away and called for me because he wasn't good enough. We both know that." Not-Simon shifted, his head back on the bed and looked up at Mal. "He's lived through so much abuse, but what you did, hurt him more than anything else. You had all that power with three little words. Did you know Simon only used the command on River just that once? Because he knew what it would do to her. Did you know what this would do to him?" Not-Simon didn't wait for an answer. He continued on, "He thought that no matter what he did that you wouldn't reject him… punish him yes, but not reject him. He thought he was part of your family. But you cast off Simon off like an unwanted thing. Not once… but twice. All because he was being inconvenient."

Mal clenched his fists. “I was trying to protect him.”

“And you did such a bang up job of it, Captain. You should be so proud of yourself.” Not-Simon stretched lazily, flexing his toes and giving a twist of his neck that produced a loud pop from his vertebrae. “I see the way you look at me, Mal…”

Mal was suddenly right there in front of him, hands bunching up the material on Not-Simon’s chest. “You got no right to call me by name. Only Simon gets to do that.”

There was a dark grin on Not-Simon’s face. “Mmm… and I’m clearly Not-Simon, right?” His hand reached out to settle easily on Mal’s hip, thumb stroking along the top of Mal’s pants. “Bet there are things I could do to make you forget all about him. I’m a lot more uninhibited than he is. I could show you a better time than he ever could. Better than either of them actually. I know what he wants to do to you… do for you. He’s always been too afraid to ask, afraid of the rejection and the self-loathing he’d have to deal with if he felt he pushed you away. Me, on the other hand, I’ve got no problem with showing you a grand ol’ time.” Hands skimmed around to meet and the junction between Mal’s legs and the Captain jerked, his body responding. “Seems that your body doesn’t object to this. Just your mind. I think I can change your thoughts on the matter rather effectively… mon Capitan.”

Mal raised his hand up, wanting to smack that smirk right off of Not-Simon's face. "Go ahead, do it," Not-Simon urged. "You think he likes it when you hit him?” The smirk had changed into a leer and Not-Simon's hand was getting too friendly, so Mal pushed it away, but Not-Simon kept talking, "A part of him does… but what he really craves isn't the pain. It's the attention and touch from you Captain. He's such a sad creature willing to settle for pain from you rather than nothing at all. He… we are designed to be whatever is needed and wanted from us. You want to treat him like a submissive fool, so that’s what he is. He has no choice but to be that for you. He has no choice but to enjoy what you like. If you wanted him to be pious and demur, he would be and learn to love it. He knows you can't love him. That's he's not worthy of that…"

Mal lowered his hand, but reached out and grabbed Not-Simon by the throat. Not to choke, but just enough show he was the one in control. The words coming from his mouth were making Mal livid. "You're tellin' me lies."

"I'm not. Wish I was, but I'm not. He provokes you… makes you angry on purpose because that's what you want. What you're capable of giving him, or should I say… inflicting. And the saddest, most pathetic thing of all…" Not-Simon's eyes narrowed when he looked at Mal. "He feels thankful that you give him anything at all. Privileged to kneel at your feet."

“How do I get him back?” Mal whispered, voice harsh and rough, giving a bit more pressure on Not-Simon’s throat.

“You don’t, Captain. Not until I’ve had my fun. That’s what you get for putting us in this position to begin with. You don’t know the rules, you don’t know how to work us. No one’s fault but your own now.” Not-Simon gave a sigh shifting his body closer to Mal’s. “I like it here. I intend to have a little fun before I let that pathetic excuse of man back out. If he even wants to come back.”

Mal watched as a flicker of something crossed over Not-Simon’s face, just a small change, almost a flinch. There was Simon, just for a brief moment, face tilting down to hide that quick moment of his coming forth. Mal reached out quickly, hand grabbing at his chin to lift that face up, wanting to see his Simon. The eyes were suddenly hard as steel and Mal cursed, pulling back and away. “You’re not going to get your way with this, you hear me?”

“Certainly, Captain. We’re used to that. Always your way, your rules, your ship. You choose what we get and we gratefully accept that. Well, they usually accept that. Me, on the other hand, I’m a bit of a rogue. I’m the one that gets the job done when necessary. And there’s still a job left to do here for me.” Not-Simon got up and started past Mal, heading for the ladder. “Think I’ll head to the medbay, if you don’t object. I’m still a bit… hyped up from the job. And seeing how you’re not quite so willing to lend me a helping hand I’ll just take care of it myself.”

And for a brief moment several images flashed in Mal's mind. Of Simon's pale flesh being cut by a scalpel. Of Not-Simon kissing Inara. Of Not-Simon touching Jayne. Mal knew those had been planted for him to see. His mind had been invaded by this creature that wore his Simon's skin.

He grabbed Not-Simon so quickly and pulled him off the rungs of the ladder, Not-Simon's head smacked against the rung, knocking the sunglasses onto the floor. A small cut opened on his forehead, blood already starting to well. He threw Not-Simon onto the bed and was on him, pinning him down arms over his head.

Mal leaned in close and hissed into his face. "What are you?"

There was that flicker again. Just a softening around the eyes that spoke to the boy he knew. But it was gone, leaving just the hardness. "He needs me."

Mal pressed down on Not-Simon's wrists. "He doesn't."

"He does. What they asked him to do would destroy him. We can only take so much. What the Doctor subjected the other to would have destroyed me. The humiliation..." There was a flicker again, this time of the aspect of Simon Mal recognized from Simon's weakest moments. The one that fell to his knees and looked at Mal like he was his whole world. The pain in those brown eyes seemed endless and then Not-Simon was shaking his head, pushing to the forefront again. "We're meant to be this way." Not-Simon shook his head again, squeezing his eyes shut like he was trying to deny something. He whispered something then that was barely understandable. "He doesn't remember. We do." When Not-Simon opened his eyes, Mal had no doubt that it was still not his Simon, but beneath the arrogance, there was a neediness that reminded Mal of his Simon. "You can't let us go back." Not-Simon rocked his hips up, parting his legs. "If you keep us... we can be useful..."

Mal couldn’t help the fact that his body responded but he forced himself to stay still even though he wanted to nail this ass right to the bed and prove that…

That stopped Mal cold. This was what he expected. He pulled back, releasing Not-Simon from his grip. He moved quickly, sitting down on the small chair nearest his desk and stared at the boy. Maybe it was time for answers that Simon couldn’t or wouldn’t tell him. Not-Simon seemed rather chatty. “Why is Simon so fixated on my cross?”

“I don’t think you want the answers to those kinds of questions, Captain.”

Mal leaned forward a bit. “Probably don’t, but if I’m gonna get Simon back I don’t really have a choice, now do I?”

Not-Simon sat up, leaning back into a lounging position. He gave Mal a good once over then shrugged his shoulders. “The Doctor had a thing for religion. It helped to keep your Simon more focused, remind him that he was nothing more than a creation of the man’s own making. He was God and Simon was Adam. He could do what he wanted with him… with us.”

Mal shuddered at the thought. “Why my cross, then? What’s so gorram [damn] special about it?”

Not-Simon rolled his eyes. “You don’t know a thing, do you? You never really paid attention to anything he said, did you? Unless it was what you wanted to hear.” He leaned forward, mirroring Mal’s pose. “Simon needs rules. We were designed that way. He needs some kind of structure or else he falls back on routine. You have a commanding presence, Captain. That’s what kept Simon grounded. Before you it was getting to River, getting her out. After that, he was flailing, floating in the black with nothing to hold onto.”

"You speak in riddles almost as bad as the girls."

"Fine, you want it put more clearly?" Not-Simon shifted closer to Mal. "While the Doctor was violating Simon, Simon used to stare at this cross on the Doctor's wall. He would focus on it for hours and have to endure whatever the Doctor wanted. Whether it was on his knees... or bent over his desk..."

Not-Simon stretched and Mal watched as the boy resettled, yet closer to Mal. He seemed to be using the movement as an excuse to get closer. That action gave Mal a little hope. This wasn't about sex because if it was, he had no doubt that Not-Simon would just be blatant about it. It gave hope to Mal that even now, hidden in this form, that Simon still wanted to take comfort by being closer to Mal.

Not-Simon's hand came to cover the cross, fingers playing with the edges. "It's like a collar to him. It marks him as yours and reminds of a safe space in his head." His voice lowered. "The cross is a thing of comfort for us..." Not-Simon did not look pleased at the slip and glared at Mal. "I mean, for him. It's a part of you. He can feel the residual pain from your life before, when you had faith in God. Simon saw that when he held it that first time. The religious boy you were and the soldier who lost his faith. It’s a link to you. He has faith in you. Even after all this..." Not-Simon's cheek twitched. "He doesn't blame you. He knows that we're not natural, just like you told Jayne." Not-Simon gripped the cross more firmly. "You're more than the Controller to us... him."

"Controller?"

Not-Simon rolled his eyes, leaned down to fix one of the laces on his boot causing his shoulder to brush against Mal’s knee as he did so. When he straightened back up, he was sitting on the very edge of the bed. His eyes were almost black in their intensity. “That’s what the Doctor was to him. Simon was an experiment and had to be tested in a controlled environment, meaning one person to answer to. One person trained him, taught him everything he knew… hell, everything I knew. From the time we were ten, the groups of children were split up and sent to one specific controller. Gained the trust of a child and then break it down to the basics. Assume control, brainwashing. This making any sense to you yet? I’m sure you dealt with a bit of this in your military career, Captain.”

Mal shifted uneasily in his chair. “I don’t see how that makes me his controller.”

Simon laughed, something deep and a bit off but a laugh nonetheless. “You break your Simon down to the basics of what he is, a doctor. That was what he presented himself to you as and you kept him at that level for a long time. Something in him has woken up, something triggered us again, made us break apart and reform these separate… Simons. Deep down we knew our mission and once it was completed everything else fell into place. Simon’s never known these feelings before, never fully experienced them. So, he’s placed you as his controller. You make all decisions for him.”

Mal reached out and grabbed Not-Simon, his palms framing the boy's face. "I shouldn't be this for you..."

"But, you are. In a way... you're a controller for River and Li, as well. Just in a strictly non-sexual way. Sex was always the Doctor’s choice to control, torture and reward Simon."

"No..." This was not happening. The truth as Simon saw it was making Mal ill. It was worse than Miranda because it was personal. This was the Alliance and Blue Sun meddling with his heart and loved ones.

"Too late..." Not-Simon whispered and looked genuinely sympathetic. "I wouldn't have wished this on you. For whatever makes you broken and whole all that same time, your strength... it draws all of us to you." Not-Simon looked down and then gazed back up at Mal with a smirk. "Simon is different than the girls, though. He's scarier for you because he acts normal. He can pass for one of you. All that more dangerous. But he's your responsibility now..."

Mal held up a hand, effectively getting Not-Simon to shut up. “So, I am right in the fact that there are three of ya in there? Three separate personalities?”

Not-Simon nodded his head. “Yes. There’s your Simon, me, and then the submissive.”

Mal huffed out a breath and tried hard to wrap his mind around it all. “Well, in my head you’re simply Not-Simon but there’s no way I can just be callin’ you that all the time.”

Not-Simon smiled. “You can call me anything you want, Mal,” was the sultry reply with a very seductive swoop of his hand over the bare expanse of his stomach. “Or, you can just settle for calling me Tam.”

“I’d rather not call ya anything at all seein’ as how I want Simon back.”

Tam’s face darkened a bit and he sat up straighter. “You’re not getting him back anytime soon, Captain. Not until I’m ready to give him back to you, not until he feels safe enough to come back out. That’s it, end of conversation. If you don’t like it, why don’t you toss me out of the nearest airlock like you’ve always threatened to do.”

“I don’t like you very much.”

Tam laughed and smirked. “Give me some time. I may just change your mind.”


	20. Chapter 20

Inara knew there was someone in her shuttle the moment she stepped into the doorway. Pushing the shimmery curtains aside, she found Tam lounging on some pillows set out on her floor. He looked like he was expecting her. When he saw her, he shifted his position in a pose Inara had struggled to teach the girls at the Companion academy.

“Hello, Inara,” he greeted in a drawl unheard of from Simon.

Inara adjusted the billowing sleeve of the expensive sari she was wearing. “Simon, is there any particular reason you’re my private space?”

Tam smirked at her. She noticed he was wearing some of his normal clothing, but it looked different on him. The plain white long sleeved shirt was untucked and buttoned only halfway. The open neck of the shirt displayed the cross that the doctor usually kept tucked away and hidden. The sleeves were rolled up, giving Simon a casual, tousled look.

“I came to say hello. I’m being friendly.” He shifted again, legs stretching out sensually.

“Does the Captain know where you are?”

“You talk as if I’m some sort of pet…” Tam ran a hand around his neck, blatantly displaying the cross. Inara knew it was Mal’s mark on him.

“Aren’t you?”

Tam made a sullen sound. “You’re not being very friendly. I thought they would have taught a Companion differently.”

Inara felt uncomfortable talking to him like this. She knew something was wrong with him. This wasn’t the man she knew and called a friend.

“What do you want?”

“I came to talk to you about the Captain. About a lot of things… secrets mainly.” Tam held up a small vile in his hand, considering it. “Simon loves Mal and I want to make sure he gets what he deserves.” He locked his gaze on Inara. “I’m willing to do anything to get Simon what he deserves. He wants and deserves Mal.”

Inara struggled to keep her demeanour calm at seeing the vile in Tam’s hand. She had played more deadly games than this before in the training grounds and politics of the Companion temple. Inara moved more fully into the room, making sure to shut the door firmly behind her. She didn’t like the look of this Simon but she didn’t want the conversation reaching anyone on the crew. This was something Mal would have to tell them and she wasn’t looking forward to the reactions it would bring.

“If you’re trying to imply that I’m standing in your way, Simon…”

“Tam,” he corrected her, giving her a rather offhand smile. “I’m definitely not Simon.”

“As I can surely see,” Inara added, a bit of distaste in her voice. She had to play this right or it could end up having a rather disastrous outcome. Inara walked past him and sat down on the red lounge. “Forgive me for my… misunderstanding.”

Tam inclined his head just slightly. “Mal’s feelings for you have always been more than he’s been willing to admit. Even now, as Simon’s lover, he still wonders about the could have been’s and what if’s.”

Inara leaned back into the lounge, feeling the press of the sheath of her small katana blade against the side of her leg, never wanting to use it, but taking comfort in it. Tam had made a mistake when he took that vial from her. At the moment she wouldn’t put anything past this jealous creature that had taken place of the normally rational doctor. She found she needed all the comforting thoughts of it that she could manage.

“There was a time when something could have happened, but that’s long past.”

Tam shifted, rolling over onto his stomach amidst the pile of silken pillows to look at her. “I need something from you.”

Inara hid the shock with a slight laugh, trying hard to make sure her nervousness didn’t come through. “What could you possibly need from me? You seem to have moves most Companions would envy.”

“That tends to be the main problem. We were trained in a certain manner, not unlike the way your kind is trained. I need to find a way to break some of that training.”

“Excuse me?”

Simon was rolling the vile between his fingers. “Mal doesn’t want a Companion. If he wanted a Companion, he would be with you.”

Inara still kept a special place in her heart for Mal. It was a foolish part of her mind that had dreamed of a family when she was younger. The allure of being a Companion had become her dream. Now she didn’t know what her dreams were anymore. All she knew was that Serenity and her crew felt more like home than any place else in the big, bad verse.

“I suppose there is some truth in that. What exactly do you want help with?”

Tam tugged at the cross with one hand, bringing it up to his lips to kiss it. “I never shy away from the truth, even if it’s harsh.”

“And what, pray tell, is that truth?”

“I want to be a real man for the Captain.”

Inara’s mouth gapped open. “Pardon?”

“Now seems a time for the truth. I’m a slut. A broken one at that.” His voice was even, showing no shame, only acceptance. “He doesn’t want that. So, I have to learn how to change.”

She had always been good at reading body language. Simon had always been easy to read, very open in every possible way. Tam, on the other hand, wasn’t. He showed emotion and yet it seemed he was hiding it at the same time, giving off conflicting messages. Inara felt her heart soften for a moment, watching him.

“Changing to be someone other than yourself is never a good thing.”

Tam rolled his eyes. “I want a way to dampen this training. I’ve already attempted to circumvent it myself. If you won’t help me, I’ll find someone who will.”

“Because looking to do things yourself turned out so well last time,” Inara countered, albeit without any head.

Tam frowned. “Simon needed money for medicine. He wasn’t there to buy sex, or offer sex to that whore for money.”

Inara nodded her head. “And still it led to a universe of trouble for all everyone involved. Of course, it also brought Mal to an understanding with y… Simon. At least we all had thought.”

“Looks like we all thought wrong,” Tam whispered.

“And if I agreed to anything, what would you be hoping to accomplish?”

Tam looked less sullen at the idea of getting what he wanted. “I know what Mal admires in others.” He looked at Inara. “He likes your grace and confidence.” Tam shifted on the pillows. His hand came to play with the buttons on his shirt, unbuttoning one more. “He admires your strength, as well as Zoe’s. I don’t have that. He adores Kaylee’s playfulness and joy for life. As for my dear sister, he loves for her ability to survive. I suppose one thing he lusts after in you, I also possess. A certain innate grace. But you’re a woman and Companion. However, I’m a man. Mal wants an equal, and, we intend to give him that. He hates it when other parts of us debase ourselves. We force Mal to succumb to his baser urges. He hates that.”

Inara made sure to keep her tone gentle. “You think you’re weak?”

“Parts of us, yes. Without question. It’s rather simple. Mal hates complications. We are...” Tam smiled with self-deprecation. “The ultimate complication. We have to learn how to be more self reliant. To live without the Captain’s approval and affection.”

Inara nodded her head. “Simon was able to do that.”

“Yes, for a time. And then we reappeared. The training was activated again. We became three once more.” Tam brought himself into a sitting position. “Reintegrating isn’t possible, not now. But, if we can take away the fears that Simon has, I can bring him forward again. I can let him take control and go back to sleeping until I’m needed.”

It was a conversation that shouldn’t be happening and if Mal found out that Inara was enabling Tam, she knew he would be furious beyond all belief. But there was something in the way of Tam’s words that gave her hope. That maybe she could do more than just being the appointed “key” to getting them onto some of the more inner Core worlds that required a Companion on board.

“If that’s true, then let me speak to Simon.”

There was a momentary flicker of apprehension on Tam’s face that didn’t fit with his confidence. Inara wondered now if Simon was closer to the surface during this vulnerable moment, or if it was even another personality. Tam folded his fingers over a vial in his hand. The transformation was a subtle, but Inara recognized them. The body language became more stiff and the face more familiar, less cocky. This was Simon again.

Simon’s eyes were a little glassy and his voice quiet. “Inara?”

“Hello, Simon. It’s good to see you.”

Simon blinked a little, looking around, brows furrowed. “Mal wouldn’t want me here.”

Inara smiled a little, hoping it was somewhat reassuring. This was Simon. Of course he would be asking about Mal. She wouldn’t lie to him.

”No, he wouldn’t.”

With his empty hand, Simon buttoned up a few undone buttons. “He wants this.”

“Who’s he? Tam?”

Simon shook his head. “Mal… he just wants it to go back to the way it was. I need to repack and lock Pandora’s box. I need to give him this.”

Inara eyed the vial for a moment before looking back up at Simon’s face. “Mal’s concerned, Simon. I’m concerned as well. Does he know that you can come forward like this?”

Simon’s face started to change again but his eyes squeezed shut for a moment. “Not yet. Just… not yet. It’s easier when he isn’t around,” he whispered. When he opened his eyes back up to look at Inara, he was still very much Simon. “You can’t tell him.”

“Simon…”

“Please, Inara. It doesn’t matter if he knows, or not. Tam will take over and that’ll be it. If he uses the command, the other me comes forward, but Tam is always the strongest. If he feels like he needs to protect us he will.” Simon sighed deeply, running a hand back through his hair for a moment. “You think I like this? I’ve never been one to hide. It’s not like I haven’t had words with Mal before. It’s not like I haven’t defended myself time and time against him the past. This is something different.”

Inara moved forward, coming to kneel before Simon on the pillows. If it was instinct, Inara knew it was definitely subconscious as Simon moved his hand to press the vial back behind him. Either way it was hint that Simon was aware of the blackmailing scheme and participating somewhat. Instead of angering her, it lessened her intense emotions knowing that Simon was desperate enough to do this. She shook of the thought of it and looked him in the eye.

“They had to have hurt you pretty badly for something like this, Simon. I need to know about your training.”

Simon’s eyes went wide. “No!”

“If I’m to help you through this I need to know what they did to you. How they did it. I could do more damage than good.”

Simon shook his head again, muttering ‘No’ under his breath the whole time. He turned away for a moment, seeming to collect himself. But when he turned back, the expression was all Tam.

“He doesn’t remember much and you’d do best to remember not to push at him like that.”

“Threatening me won’t help you, Tam. That boy is severely broken and I honestly don’t trust you to give me all the facts of the matter at hand.”

“All the facts?” Tam glared at her and laughed. “I’ll have to remember that. Facts. Yes, facts about the training. What would you like to know? The exact forms of humiliation, deprivation, or pain?” Tam didn’t relent when he saw Inara wince a little. “The Doctor thought Simon was pretty. He didn’t want to mark him. One of his favourite games was sensory depravation. He used to put Simon in this…” Tam motioned with his hand. “Hidden cell behind his desk. Not big enough to stand in or lie down. For days in the complete dark. It was so hot. Any water or food was from The Doctor’s hand. The only thing he could hear was the Doctor’s voice when he chose to give us such a gift. It’s why we hate the dark.”

Inara could only imagine the horror. She had heard of such tortures in prisons. They broke the mind and body. “It made him vulnerable.”

Tam nodded and unbuttoned the buttons Simon had just done up a few moments ago. “The first time he was fourteen and spent three days in the dark. He stopped crying after the first day. The first few times… they would just play the command… over and over… constantly…”

“What command?” Inara asked, settling herself down more comfortably on the pillows. Her earlier apprehension easing a bit.

Tam gave her a sly grin. “That you don’t need to know at the moment.”

“Holding out information is not going to help me with this.”

Tam nodded his head. “You’ll know it when I want you to.”

“You do realize that I will have to ask you questions that will make you extremely uncomfortable? Even this façade you give off of being the impenetrable one isn’t going to help when I need answers to questions.”

Tam looked up at her. “Don’t force it out of me.” He brought his hand into his lap, rolling the slender vial in his hands. “I’ll be keeping this for security purposes, you understand? I can’t take any risks, not now.”

Inara’s heart thumped loudly in her chest and she felt her palms begin to sweat. “Surely, you don’t think…”

“I wouldn’t put it past you, Inara. One secret for another, quid pro quo. You keep your end of the bargain, and you’ll get this…” Tam swirled the vial around. “You’ll get it back safe and sound when you need it. No one will be any wiser about what it does.”

She watched the dark liquid swirl in the vile. Tam had come into her personal quarters and found it tucked away in a place she thought completely hidden. Looking at him, she had no doubt he knew what it was, or least an inkling of her secret.

“What do you hope to achieve by blackmailing me?”

“Normalcy?”

She thought of Simon as he had come and Tam sitting in from of her now. Her mind turned to a young boy trapped and trained in way probably similar but horribly different from his sister.

Her voice was soft when she told him, “That will never happen.”

Tam sighed dramatically and flopped back onto the cushions. “A mask of normalcy then. You should learn we are first and foremost a chameleon. Trained to be what we need to be. Submissive…” Now Tam smirked, “Or, dominant. Seductive in whatever way appeals to the mark. Mal has certain appetites he doesn’t like, but still we adapted to give him what he wants. Now we have to adapt to wear a new mask to give him what he’s asking for.”

“What if his needs far outweigh what it is that you can let yourself adapt to, Tam? Malcolm Reynolds is complicated, more so than anyone I’ve ever met. Maybe even more complicated than you. He’s like this ship, finicky and changing all the time. Can you all so easily change into what it is he needs when the time presents itself?” Inara had a sinking feeling inside her and she wished she’d never gotten herself so deeply involved with the captain and his crew. She should have decided against taking the shuttle, found a more reputable avenue of transportation. “You want him to settle for you?”

Tam looked down and then back up, face set in a hard line. “We do what we must, Inara. That’s the nature of what we are.”

Inara cringed inwardly but nodded her head. “I want to know about your first memories, the ones outside of the training, before then if you can remember.”

Tam nodded, face set in a serious mask. “Done.”

“Be warned, don’t make an enemy. I get my property safely back in exchange for my advice. But, if you ever blackmail, or threaten me again, the deal is off and my silence is over.”

“Agreed.” He held out his hand and waited for Inara to shake it and seal the deal.

Inara shook his hand and looked him straight in the eyes. “May blessed Budda forgive us both.”


	21. Chapter 21

Inara had been adamant about one thing. As Tam looked in the mirror, he fingered the cross. Even with Simon and the submissive under wraps, he still felt the connection to the cross. It was beyond the training and sentimentality. It shouldn’t affect him, but it did. It had been over a week since he first talked to Inara, but he still hadn’t been able to take it off like she insisted.

The scene played over in his head from earlier. The game of baiting the Captain had been played all week. He couldn’t help it. But, the Captain had been distracted and short tempered as he finished up the job for the twins.

Tam fingered the corners of the cross again. Producing his favoured scalpel from a hidden pocket in his pants, he raised the scalpel in his hand to his throat and cut the cord. Tam had cut the cross free, but couldn’t bring himself to let it go. It would be the start in a few subtle changes that should put the Captain more at ease. A new mask that would be tested and changed to suit the Captain’s taste.

Tam had timed this act perfectly. He could hear the Captain coming down the ladder. Tam had stayed in their shared quarters, just as the Captain had ordered. Taking the cross off with the Captain there had been designed to avoid an unnecessary drama. The Captain hated complications and that had to be taken into account. When the Captain looked at him Tam made a point of straightening his posture, but not quite as stiffly as Simon. At moments like this, he had to let Simon closer to the surface, making both of them a little edgy. It was matter of finding the balance now that would put the other man at ease.

Tam held out his hand, unfurling his fingers to show the Captain the cross. He had to stop his hand from shaking and wanted to snatch the cross back. This was necessary. Inara had insisted he had an unhealthy dependency on it and this act would go far to show that Tam was changing.

Tam kept his tone neutral when he offered the cross to Mal. “I believe this is yours, Captain.”

Mal looked down at the cross than back up at Tam’s face for a moment, a frown settling permanently on his features. When Tam only reached out farther with it, Mal plucked the metal from his outstretched palm, tucking it in to the breast pocket of his shirt.

He stared at Tam for another moment before giving a nod. “Not quite sure what to make of that lil’ offering today.”

Shrugging his shoulders, Tam moved around and past Mal dropping down onto the small chair at the desk. He fingered an electronic reader that held medical information on neurological diseases and pathways he had been reading to keep calm and focused waiting for the Captain.

“Make of it what you will, Captain,” Tam told him and rested the spot on his neck where the cross had just been resting. “Besides, it doesn’t exactly match with this outfit.”

The answer caught Mal off guard by the way the laugh suddenly froze up in his throat. Tam just smiled back at him. That smile was the closest thing he’d seen of his Simon in awhile and for just a moment it was if it was Simon staring at him. But when Tam leaned back in the chair, all hard lines and grace Mal felt his stomach give a pitch and roll. No, this was still Tam. His Simon was still trapped somewhere inside and wasn’t coming out to say hello any time soon.

Mal reached felt a fury bubbling inside. He quickly kicked the chair, sending Tam sprawling onto the floor. Part of Mal was satisfied to see the grace finally stripped from him. But, this wasn't his Simon. His Simon had fought him for the cross and Mal had finally given in. It was like Tam had spit in his face.

The words from slipped from Mal's mouth more out of malice than anything else. He couldn’t stand to see Tam anymore. "Veni viddi vicci."

Tam's body language changed immediately, this persona slipping away with the verbal command. Where he was sprawled on the floor, he quickly shifted to his knees, head down. "You're displeased, sir. She said you would like it..."

Mal dropped down in front of this one, hand reaching out to grasp at the submissive’s chin. “Who?”

He shook his head, biting into his lip. “I can’t tell you.”

Mal raised an eyebrow at that and gripped the submissive’s chin harder. “You can and will.”

“I may not be either of them but, I’m not weak. It takes strength to serve.” Gaze dropping to the floor, he answered, “I’m bound by the promise Tam made. I can’t tell you.”

Mal leaned in then, pressing his lips tightly to the pair before him. His stomach lurched but he refused to acknowledge it. He had to play this right, gain trust. When the mouth parted beneath his with a longing sigh, Mal gave a silent cry of triumph before slipping his tongue inside. It was unfair to use affection to manipulate this submissive personality, but Mal was willing to do anything to get his Simon back.

Mal wasn’t ready for teeth to bite and catch his own tongue. He yanked backwards, falling onto his backside and stared…

At Tam.

The face was a mask of rage and pain, eyes glaring daggers. “That was quite uncalled for, don’t you think?” Tam leaned forward, getting right up and into Mal’s personal space. “You can use that command all you want, Captain, but if I feel Bao Bei needs protecting there’s not a damn thing you can do to stop me from coming forward.”

"Bao Bei?" Mal knew it was a name given to that personality to be degrading by the trainer. He reached and gripped Tam's chin. Despite everything, he was somehow drawn to this personality still. He recognized Tam in the way Simon used to fight and provoke him. In the stubbornness and grace he displayed. It was just a lot to take all at once. Even now Tam was starring back at him with defiance.

Mal turned the hold into a caress, running his thumb along Tam's chin and lips. Even now he could see Tam responding and fighting the desire. Maybe he had been approaching this the wrong way. For everything that this personality was, it was still apart of Simon and held the key to getting his Simon back.

Mal’s quick mind was already calculating another strategy. He remembered handling soldiers like this in the Brown Coats. They required a different approach and the way Mal had been dealing with Tam clearly wasn't working. Mal hadn’t made his rank in the Brown Coats simply because he was the only one to survive. Tam been designed to be a ruthless soldier and, if anything, Mal knew how to lead and out think the soldiers under his command.

Tam tilted his head stubbornly to the side. "I won't tell you."

"It's not all that hard to figure out, Tam. Bao Bei said she." Mal expected the next movement and moved his fingers away from Tam's mouth as he tried to bite him. "It was Inara." He watched Tam's reaction, but the man gave nothing away. "I know how you think. You're trying to use her to manipulate me." He leaned in and whispered against Tam's cheek. "Did she tell you to give me back the cross? Did she tell you it would fool me into thinking you’re Simon? Because that's not going to happen."

“You’re attempt at reverse psychology is laughable,” Tam answered, turning his head enough so that his lips were very close to Mal’s. “If I wanted to manipulate you right now I would have already done it.” To prove a point, he reached his hand out, dragging it slowly down Mal’s chest. Tam’s eyes stayed fixed on Mal’s face. “Part of you wants to shove me away and the other part is thinking pretty smutty thoughts right now.” Tam leaned in a bit, breath washing over Mal’s lips before he suddenly sat back. “Trust, Captain. Such a simple word.”

Mal knew Tam used sex as a weapon, but it had never really occurred to him before that it was also a reward. That he would have been trained to crave, as well as use it. The only time Mal had seen Tam falter was when he used affection. Tam didn't know how to deal with that and would immediately do something to provoke him. Tam knew how to deal with desire, lust and anger, but not love. He knew what Tam expected now, for either Mal to fuck him or lash out. Mal wanted to keep him off kilter.

He kept one hand on Tam's cheek and with the other, he reached into his pocket, pulling out the cross. He didn't miss how Tam tracked it with his eyes. Mal kept his voice low and gentle. "I want you to have this."

"You want Simon to have it. I'm Not-Simon."

Mal kissed Tam's cheek, making sure it was about affection, not carnality. He whispered to Tam, "No, I want you to have it."

“You really don’t,” Tam whispered, his whole body suddenly set to shaking as Mal pressed the metal into his hand.

“Trust,” Mal said, giving a small easy smile. “A simple word and simple request.”

Tam looked away, throat working as he swallowed, blush high on his cheeks. He closed his hand around the cross, his features relaxing for just a moment. When he turned to look at Mal again, it was Simon. Just a moment of the man Mal knew. He nodded, Mal nodded back, and then Tam was there.

“Thank you,” Mal said.

Tam rolled his eyes, clearly not used to the feelings going on between them. “Whatever.” The voice was laced with sarcasm but, his eyes told a different story.

Mal simply took the cross from Tam's hand and retied around his throat. This personality was everything about Simon that irked Mal. It was just a concentrated form of an aspect of the man. The ultimate complication.

Mal made a point of tracing the leather cord along Tam's neck, noting how Tam shivered unconsciously again. "No taking this off." It was a gentle command, but a command none-the-less. "You may be one stubborn son of a bitch, but you belong to me, too."

When he saw Tam's face, he knew there was nothing better he could have said. Mal had seen the same one before. Those same soldiers who fought him so hard and didn't die on the battlefield, had a moment where they trusted their Sergeant. Sometimes it was almost comical. But this little epiphany wasn't comical. Tam for the first time looked vulnerable and his hand came up to the cross again.

"You should hate me..."

Mal nodded at him and smiled. "I should. You drive me mad, but don't ever think that's hate." Tam was considering him warily, watching him and Mal knew trying to calculate what his next move was. Simon would hate him for making the comparison, but like an abused animal, you had to gain its trust. "I don't have to hit you to touch you... you want to be put in your place? Is that what they taught you?"

Tam moved forward then, leaning to rest his forehead against Mal’s, an act very much out of character for him but, he was trying and it felt right. He could fell himself momentarily drawing on Simon. “I do what I’m told, what is asked of me… with no regrets.”

Mal lifted his hands and let them sink easily into Tam’s hair. “If you need something, then you come to me. If you feel you’ve failed, I will give you what you need as punishment. No one else, ya hear me?”

Tam pulled back, tongue sliding along his bottom lip as he looked at Mal, really looked at him. “Yes, Captain.” He started to pull back and away.

Mal’s hands immediately moved reaching down to take a hold of Tam’s. “Stay right here.” He watched the confusion dawn slowly across Tam’s face and Mal knew he was pushing boundaries now. He stood up, tugging Tam along with him.

Tam looked flustered and that's exactly the way Mal wanted him. He settled his hand on Tam's arms, running it up and down slowly. "I think we could both use some sleep."

Mal was waiting for it and Tam reacted exactly how he expected. A smirk settled on his face and then it disappeared. Mal knew the boy was poking around in his head. Tam tilted his head to the side and huffed at Mal. "You're serious! You really want to sleep. You don't even want to..."

"Sleep." Mal pointed at the bed. Tam was trying to bait him and Mal wouldn't fall for it. "In that bed."

Tam stepped away, knocking Mal's hand away. "You want to go see Inara, not be here with me."

Mal grabbed Tam by the back of the neck, with a strong, but not cruel grip. He started to direct him towards the bed with gentle pressure. Now he was accepting that being involved with a reader was complicated. That regardless of whatever aspect of Simon he was dealing with, his doctor was going to do what readers naturally did.

"First thing you gotta learn if you're gonna be messing around in my head is that just cause I think something, doesn't mean I'm gonna do it that way." His grip became a little stronger, but he noticed that Tam relaxed marginally, instead of becoming tenser. "I think you're the one who's got best control on being a reader between all of you. That's not a secret to me anymore, boy. We're gonna sleep now."

"That just makes it worse," Tam blurted out, intently baiting Mal. "If you want to keep me out of your thoughts, then touching me just makes it worse. Easier for me..."

“We’re gonna catch some shut eye and that’s all. Decent sleep’s all I’m askin’ from ya. If anyone knows it’s you, since this whole thing started sleep’s been a luxury I haven’t been able to afford.” Mal guided Tam down onto the bed, reaching down to undo the boots that he was wearing. Tam instantly sat up, reaching to do it himself only to have Mal bat his hands away. Tam was uncomfortable with Mal doing anything for him. That move there showed Mal that the submissive was still fluttering about after Mal had used the command. “Lie back and lemme do this.”

Tam had no control at all here and that was what Mal wanted more than anything. Get the kid to relinquish just a bit of that control to him. That’s what Simon had always needed, to start out being in control and then let himself be guided from there on out.

Mal slipped off Tam’s boots, rubbing Tam’s feet a bit as he dropped them onto the floor. Tam was still watching him warily, but allowing the touch. Tam remained silent as Mal took off his own boots and coat. He crawled onto the bed and drew Tam down against his chest. Mal pulled him close, arm resting over Tam’s hip. Tam moved around restlessly until he sighed.

Mal thought he was asleep until Tam whispered, “We could be anything you wanted… if you let us.”

“I don’t want anything, or anyone else, except Simon.”

Tam made a noise that sounded halfway between a sob and laugh. “We both know that isn’t true, Captain.”

“Then you got a lot more to figure out about me than you all thought,” Mal whispered, tightening his hold around Tam. “You can go around picking up my thoughts, cause you can’t help it, but leave the interpretation to me. Now shut up and go to sleep, already.” He waited it out, waited for that even slow breathing. When Tam was finally asleep, Mal shifted enough to rest his head against the dark hair. “I swear, I’ll get you back, Simon,” he whispered before he shut his own eyes.

 

Dr. Benway took one look at the holovid and leaned forward, eyes raking over it with pure pleasure. “How long ago were they here?”

Fanty shook his head. “We give you information…”

“You give us money,” Mingo finished, holding is hand out across the table. “There are rules to the game. No information without money first.”

Benway inclined his head slightly before handing over the pouch, watching as the two brothers greedily searched its contents. “They’ve been gone for about a week. Had to make a drop off here,” Fanty shoved the old data card across the table. “It’s been delivered.”

“And knowing Reynolds he’ll be hanging around that area, not traveling too far since they now have credits to use up,” Mingo reached out to grab at his drink, smiling. “Of course, we could always give them a ring on the Cortex, have them come back for another job.”

“And tip them off that something is up? No thank you, gentleman. This has been a wonderful experience. It’s been a long time since I’ve had the pleasure of personally making a kill.” Benway stood, grabbing for the cane to the left of their table.

“Kill?” Mingo laughed. “You haven’t even found them yet.”

“So very true. But loose lips sink ships. I never leave any loose ends if I can help it.” Benway stood up, watching as the realization dawned across the twins’ faces. He pulled out a gun and aimed it at the twins, starting to back away. A few of his Blue Hand operatives would meet him in the hallway to ensure his escape and take care of any of the clean up. The poison was more a reward for his Blue Hands than a mercy for the twins. The Blue Hands would get the chance to absorb the twins pain as they worked cleaning out the bar. “Too bad you won’t be able to spend those credits before the toxin that I had put on them kills you. I believe it absorbs within seconds though it does take a little longer to actually start breaking down and liquefying your insides. Oh well, enjoy!”

 

Jayne never thought one word could strike fear into him. Especially when it came from a girl. She spoke the word again and Jayne tried to pretend he was still sleeping.

“Bob…”

Jayne tried to ignore Kaylee, but that was pretty hard to do when she was sitting on him. He grunted when Kaylee smacked him on the chest. No, this wasn’t no girl even for all her giggles. This was a woman with curves in all the right places and a demented mind. Just to prove his point, Kaylee whacked his chest with Bob.

“You’re not sleeping, big man.” Kaylee whacked him again with Bob. “I know you ain’t and I’m ready for another round.”

“You’re tryin’ to kill me!” He refused to open his eyes. There was no way he wanted to see Bob right now.

Kaylee wiggled her way down, pulling the covers down with her as she went. She gave Jayne another smack on the back with Bob before finally giving. “You are such a wuss, Jayne Cobb.”

Jayne laughed and rolled over, reaching out to tackle Kaylee down to the bed beside him. She gave a small squeal before letting Jayne settle her down next to him. Jayne pulled her to him, wrapping his arms protectively around her smaller frame. “You are a sneaky lil’ vixen.”

Kaylee grinned. “And you love it so don’t try to sound like you’re offended.”

Jayne merely shrugged his shoulders and watched as Kaylee dropped Bob onto the bed behind her. “Wanna ask you somethin’…why Bob?”

Kaylee leaned forward and a bit, letting her lips brush over Jayne’s ear. “Battery operated boyfriend.”

Scrunching his face up a bit, Jayne pulled back to give her a look. “Don’t really need him anymore now, do ya?”

“Oh, maybe I don’t need him anymore... but I want him.” Kaylee grinned down at Jayne.

“Could be enough to make a man feel… inadequate, but I’m all man.” Jayne smacked her on the butt. “Damn but you got a nice ass, girl. Nice ‘n’ juicy.”

“Juicy? Sounds like you’re comparing my ass to some sort of tropical fruit.”

Kaylee liked to keep Jayne off kilter in the bedroom. That meant keeping him guessing. Sometimes she jumped him in the engine room or lured the big man back to her bunk. The teddy bears and ‘girly oddities’ as he called them, distracted him. But sometimes she liked Jayne in his own space. She liked his confidence and the way he acted when he was around all his weapons. Tonight they had romped in Jayne’s room and she’d pulled out Bob just to keep him guessing.

Kaylee made sure she glared at Jayne enough to make him squirm. She smacked him square in the chest again.

“What? It is juicy. That’s a compliment.”

Kaylee rolled her eyes. “Uh huh.”

“Ah…” Jayne gulped a little and eyed the vibrator nervously. “Would bribery get me back in your good graces?”

Kaylee turned the vibrator on and turned it off. “Maybe.”

Jayne reached over his head and riffled around in the compartment where he kept some of his weapons. “Might’ve got you something.” He pulled out something and held it in front of Kaylee. When she didn’t take it right away, he dangled the pink and green thing between his fingers. “Don’t ya like it?”

Kaylee’s mouth gapped a bit. She noticed a pink pom-pom and some string. “What is it?”

“It’s a hat. From my Ma.”

Kaylee reached out a hand and took it from him, looking it over. It wasn’t just any hat, it was the same style as the one Jayne had gotten. Her fingers traced over the pompom and down to the strings below the ear flaps. “You asked your Ma to make a hat for me?”

Jayne actually had the sense to blush a bit at that. He reached back above his head again and pulled down something else. “Made these for ya, too.”

Kaylee looked at the bright yarn and held them up, she gave a grin. “Gloves!”

Nodding his head, Jayne grinned. “Know how sometimes your hands get cold but ya can’t manoeuvre as well with the actual fingers on ‘em. So, she stopped ‘em at the knuckles.”

Kaylee pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. “That’s just too sweet!”

“You like it?”

Leaning down, Kaylee dropped a quick kiss to the tip of Jayne’s nose. “It’s very shiny! I love them!” Kaylee quickly pulled one on. “Just like I kinda love you.”

Jayne groaned and rolled his eyes, even though his hands shot out to grab at Kaylee’s shapely waist, pulling her down on top of him. “I’m so gorram [damn] whipped,” he whispered against her lips before starting a deep long kiss.

“Whipping’s for later, big man,” Kaylee laughed in pure delight when she drew back for breath. She leaned back in again.

Bob lay cold and lonely on the comforter.


	22. Chapter 22

Mal watched with a certain amount of curiosity as River and Li sat at the table colouring on sheets of white paper. River had been avoiding Tam, refusing the last two weeks to even acknowledge his presence. Li, on the hand, managed to find a way to sneak as close to him as possible. Surprisingly enough, River didn’t try to stop the girl… another small slight at Tam’s insistence of rooming in her brother’s body. The three readers were up to a whole lot of strange, that was for sure.

Today was a bit different though. River’s gaze kept lifting, small frown on her face as she watched Tam set about making tea. It was just a simple task and yet River couldn’t seem to make herself look away. Her gaze kept slipping over, watching his every move for long seconds before forcing her eyes back to her drawing. Li would look up and stare at River, head tipping slightly to the side. It was eerie and yet had a symmetry to it that showed that his readers were dealing with this as best as they could.

River held up a marker under her nose and sniffed at it. "Trained lap dog."

Tam's graceful movements didn't waver as he moved the teapot so the handle faced out. "With teeth."

"What are you prattling on about?" Mal huffed. Even now, Tam made him uneasy. The manipulative bastard had been on his best behaviour, which wasn't saying much.

"Nothing, Captain." Tam poured the first cup of tea and then walked over to hand it to Mal. "I just believe that River was drawing a dog."

Mal took the cup, feeling the heat seep out, warming his fingers. "I never said that I wanted any gorram [damn] tea."

Mal watched with a curious eye as the usual aloof expression morphed into one of irritation momentarily. But Mal knew it wasn't aimed at him. He had been around Tam enough to know when the personality was annoyed when his own actions or behaviour. Tam poured another cup for himself and swirled the cup a little, watching the loose leaves dance in the cup.

Tam's fingers shifted from carefully cradling the cup to gripping the cup roughly by the lip. "My apologies, Captain."

Despite Tam being the dominant personality in Simon at the moment, there was no changing that all three were at heart caretakers for those they loved. Tam might be a fraction of Simon, but couldn't stop that he as well was naturally drawn to take care of those he care about. Mal had noticed a subtle shift in Tam's behaviour. Every once in a while since his confrontation, he could tell when either Simon or the submissive personality was closer to the service, merging a little and softening Tam’s personally.

Serving Mal this tea without being asked had been a slip. Using his ability to read Mal was Tam’s speciality, but serving Mal hinted at the submissive. These past few hours all three personalities seemed to shifting back and forth. Mal had to admit that he had been craving something warm. Tam was in tune with Mal's needs and used his gifts unconsciously to read Mal. Mal knew Tam was fighting their training again, continuing that stupid plan he had concocted with Inara. Mal’s returning the cross had unbalanced Tam and he seemed more unsettled than ever, thinking this transformation would somehow fix everything and please Mal. Mal for his part was seeing how it played out for now. More than anything, the three personalities were showing hints at merging on their own over time, despite Tam’s plans.

It was the small things at first that Mal noticed first. The way Tam stood and walked started to change, even if there was the occasional slip. Mal caught Tam flopping down onto the bed instead of the way he normally laid down slowly, every move designed to seduce. Tam stopped favouring Simon's more sensual pieces of clothing and started to wear the clothing Simon wore while doing grub work. Tam didn't fuss over his hair as much and stopping baiting Mal as openly as he had before.

“Masks… layers… stupid parlour tricks,” River mumbled, tossing one of the markers down onto the table before scooping up another one. “Hide and seek in the dark.” Without preamble she shoved up from the table, moving quickly around and over to stand in front of Tam. Her finger came up to poke him in the chest. “You think you’re the key but you’re only the lock. He’s the key, not you. Never you. You’re just the puppet on the string and he holds them all. Makes you dance and speak with words that aren’t even your own.”

Tam shook his head and took a step back. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

River threw her head back and laughed. “Ask him! Let him speak for himself and he’ll tell you. You exist here,” River brought her hand up and gave Tam a hard tap on the forehead. “He’s here,” she laid her hand over his heart. “I want my brother back, not you. You’re just the mechanism, the parasite that needs to let it go.”

Mal couldn’t make heads or tails of the conversation but River’s restlessness moved him into action. He started around behind her, his hand coming up to rest on her shoulder. “River…”

Her hand snapped out, open palm slap across the side of Tam’s face and the red bloom of the handprint came fast, spreading out across his pale cheek. “Wear your mark, yanse lang [male whore].”

Mal’s stomach dropped when he saw the shift in Tam. The protective and mostly psychotic streak was back in full force. Tam grabbed River's wrist and glared at her. Mal saw him glare at her in a way Simon never would.

"Yes, I'm a whore, mei mei." Tam's fingers dug into River's skin and he pulled her closer, hissing into her face. "But have you ever thought it was better me than him? Have you thought about what I did to protect your precious Simon?" His other hand came up and he tapped the side of River's temple. "Oh, poor River. The only want one who suffered. Poor, crazy River." The tip of his finger pressed into River's temple. "They drilled into your head." Simon leaned in close, sensing that Mal was reaching out to rip him away from River. "They raped your mind, but you're lucky they never raped your body. They ripped away your dreams, but you kept so much. They ripped through my body and mind with humiliation. I was trained and leashed like an animal. Not even worthy of a pet." Tam kissed the side of River's face. "Judge and hate me all you want, but I sold myself to save Simon, mei mei…"

"That's enough!" Mal pushed at Tam to get him away from River.

Tam let go of River and stumbled back from the harsh shove. His head smashed against the corner of a cabinet. As Tam slide down the cabinets to the floor, a trail of blood marred the surface. Tam's eyes were open when he looked up at Mal from the floor. He reached behind his head and when he pulled his hand back it, was stained with blood. "Look at that. Even whores bleed."

Mal pulled River into his arms, running a hand over her head and ignoring Tam. "Are you okay?"

River just shook her head, pulling away from Mal and still staring at Tam. She pushed a stray lock of hair out her face. “Simon is no coward.”

“No, he’s not. But right now it doesn’t matter.” Tam wiped his bloodied hand on his pants. “Right now you’re stuck with me and that’s the end of that. I can’t help it.”

They all stood there, huddled in the middle of the room in total silence.

It was Inara’s entrance that finally broke the stalemate between them. Her eyes went from where Mal stood with River, over to where Tam still sat bleeding on the floor.

She paused, one foot stepping down while the other still remained at the threshold. “Mal, what’s going on?”

It was Tam who answered as he struggled to his feet. He had to put a hand on the counter as he wavered a bit. “Just the Captain’s whore forgetting his place, Inara.”

Mal took a warning step towards Tam and Inara stepped in front of Mal. “I thought you left that behaviour behind you?”

“I’m afraid I provoked him,” Tam laughed. “And, you forget, I am the most annoying of complications.”

Mal noticed how Tam leaned more heavily on the counter top. The boy’s eyes were dilated and blood oozing down the back of his neck and trailing along his collar bone. He felt guilty and angry at Tam all at the same time. His voice was a low growl as his locked eyes with Tam. “C’mere.”

“I’m afraid that isn’t the smartest of ideas.” Tam licked his lips. “For several reasons.”

Mal stepped closer, but Inara laid a restraining hand on his chest. Every movement, even this, was practised elegance. It reminded Mal of Tam, as it always did since he’d come to the surface. Mal turned his head and confronted her. “I know about your little plan with him.”

“Mal, it’s complicated.”

Inara’s face was carefully shielded but Mal could see the flicker that it hadn’t been her idea. Tam was using something against her to get his way just like Mal suspected. But he was angry at her for going along with Tam and not coming to him as was due his right as Captain and Simon’s lover.

Mal hissed back. “You got no right to be interfering in my business.”

Tam stepped forward. “It’s not your business, Captain. It’s mine.”

Mal spun on him, pointing a finger at the younger man. “It became my business when Simon couldn’t speak or, act for himself.”

“Not that you wanted him to, right?” Tam’s face went a deep shade of red and he stepped forward, barely noticing the way River flinched and spun away from him. “You wanted him compliant and well-behaved and when he questioned you… you shut him down. Brutally. Repeatedly.”

Mal pushed past Inara and got right into Tam’s face. “You talkin’ about using the command again? You sound like Simon would rather get thumped rather than hear…”

Tam didn’t shrink away from Mal, but pushed away the nausea that was warring in his stomach. “He would.”

Mal stepped in until he was pressed chest to pelvis to Tam. His arm wrapped around Tam’s waist. “This isn’t somethin’ anyone else needs to be overhearing.”

“They’re readers and Inara’s…” Tam snorted, but didn’t fight as Mal pulled him away from the counter. “Someone you respect and desire.”

Before any of the women could say a word, Mal glowered at them. “This is between me ‘n’ him.”

With that Mal ignored all of them and took Tam to the infirmary, holding his weight up and didn’t like the way Tam’s feet shuffled on the floor. Once Mal had Tam settled on the bed, he started to wipe away the blood.

“It’s true.” Tam didn’t flinch, but eyed Mal’s movement around the carefully stocked infirmary. “He would rather you have hit him, do anything to him, rather than say those words. Simon can deal with physical pain, but rejection from you…” Tam looked down and he blinked rapidly a few times, trying to stop the room from spinning. “It’s torture. We… he…” Tam took a deep breath, still not looking up at Mal. It wasn’t a gesture that Mal associated with Tam. “He’s trained to give you what you want. And when you don’t want him…”

“Never said I didn’t want him,” Mal ground out through clenched teeth, warring with his own emotions in his head. “Just wanted him safe and wanted him prepared. Boy’s too damn naïve about a lot of things out here, at least I thought he was.”

“You’d be surprised what it is he knows, if you’d give him half a chance…”

Mal was fussing with the alcohol and sterile wrapping when that part came out, sounding way too much like Simon instead of Tam. His head snapped up to look and it was Simon. He stared for a long moment, not wanting to move in case it stopped what was happening.

“Simon?” Mal whispered softly, his fingers clutching tightly to the things in his hands.

A nod confirmed it. “It’s me.”

“Then the whole command wore off finally? You’re back?” Mal started to move forward but stopped when Simon flinched visibly away from him. He froze, blinking and watching.

“It wasn’t totally the command, Mal. It sparked the beginnings of this… this temporal shift, but it’s not the main cause. Tam’s nervous and he’s making sure I’m not having to deal with a lot of it. He’s protecting me.”

“From what? I mean, yeah… your memories are coming back and all that go se [crap], but…”

“It’s more than that,” Simon whispered, shaking his head.

Mal’s face reddened in anger and he took another step forward. “Then tell me what it is! I can help, damn it! I can’t help if I don’t know!” He reached his hand out and laid it on Simon’s cheek. “Jus’…just tell me.”

Simon’s eyes closed and he visibly trembled for a moment, then suddenly it stopped. When his eyes opened it wasn’t Simon anymore, Tam was back with a vengeance. His hand reached out and took a strong grip on Mal’s wrist, pulling it away. “You. I’m protecting him from you.”

“You don’t have the right,” Mal hissed and tightened his hand into a fist.

Tam was still holding onto Mal’s wrist. He pulled Mal’s hand closer until it was in front of his face. Tam leaned forward and kissed the fist with his tongue sneaking between Mal’s fingers. His lips brushed against Mal’s knuckles. “You don’t understand, Captain. You don’t understand the complete power you have over all of us.”

Mal unfolded his fist and grasped Tam’s chin. His fingers didn’t dig into Tam’s skin, but just held him tight. The eyes he looked into where Simon’s eyes, even though he knew it was Tam he was talking to. “I never wanted that power.”

“But you have it.” Tam licked his lips. “We imprinted on you… just like we were trained to do. All of us, including Simon, were designed to please our Controller. That’s you. Your conscious and unconscious feelings drive us. Do you understand how that destroyed him to know that he wasn’t man enough to stand beside you? That even after Miranda… after everything, you don’t trust him?” Tam hesitated for a moment. At this moment, Tam was more vulnerable than Mal had ever seen. “He loves you.”

Mal’s heart gave an odd thump at the admission. He’d never said that to Simon, not once. Hell, he barely let himself register exactly what these feelings were to begin with. No way was he about to say them to Tam when he’d never even spoken them to Simon yet. He released his grip on Tam’s chin, stepping back to put a considerable amount of distance between them. He tossed the supplies onto the bed. “Finish bandaging yourself up and go get clean.”

Tam’s face broke into a rather forced smile. “You don’t want to admit it, do you?” It was more statement than question.

“Don’t have to admit anything… not to the likes of you. You wanna please me? You wanna make me happy, then you give me Simon back… permanently.” Mal crossed his arms over his chest, hating the icy stare he was getting. “I want him back all in one piece.”

“Don’t you think that we would if we were capable of doing that right now?” Tam shook his head and laughed. “My god, Captain… do you think we want to be like this? I’m not Simon, but I am still yours. I’m a part of your Simon…”

Mal moved in quickly between Tam’s legs and grabbed the back of his neck. He drew Tam close and when their lips touched, he knew this was the right decision. Words could be mistaken, but this was something the damn broken boy would be able to understand. One hand stayed on the back of Tam’s neck and the other settled on Tam’s waist. Tam’s tension melted after a few moments and he made a wounded sound in the back of his throat. Mal just pressed closer, possessing him with the kiss.

When he pulled away slightly, they were both breathing heavily. Mal rested his forehead against Tam’s. “You all belong to me. I don’t care if you’re broken into a million pieces, you’re mine.”

It was better than if Mal had said ‘I love you’. Tam wrapped his legs around Mal’s thighs, pulling him in closer. “Don’t want to be like this.”

“I know.” Mal kissed Tam’s lips again lightly. There were tears on the edges of Tam’s eyes and Mal brushed them away. It wasn’t right that after everything in the boy’s life, that this had brought him to this. “What were you trying to change into?”

“Into someone you wanted.”

Mal wanted to tell him that he only wanted Simon, but somehow he knew that would only shut down Tam. He made his voice a low command. “How?”

“I went to Inara to try and learn how to contradict our training.” Their foreheads were still pressed together and Tam was touching Mal wherever he could, starved for the contact. “Even me… sometimes, I have this urge to drop to my knees. To kill for you when you’re wronged. We… I really am a whore.” Tam’s voice was barely a whisper. “I want to dress and move in a way that pleases you. I want to spread my legs for you. I want to fight with you when you’re angry because you need the distraction. I want to feel your fist on me rather than letting you punch a wall. I want you to yell and swear at me rather than the others, because you care for them and it hurts you when you lash out at them. You hate that… all of it. We… I want to please you. To be a man you would… perhaps learn to love and respect.”

Mal reached out and laid his hand gently on the back of Tam’s skull, cradling it as easy as he could with his fingers gently stroking into the soft, fine hairs at the base of the boy’s neck. “If you want to please me, then be who you’re meant to be. I’m not used to this and you’re going to have to live with the fact that I gotta make some adjustments myself. It ain’t gonna be gorram [damn] easy… for any of us, crew included. Dong ma? [understand]”

Tam nodded his head, skin lightly brushing against Mal’s forehead as he moved. “Fighting the training is hard. We just want to give you what it is you need. Not being allowed to do that is like denying me the chance to breathe.” Tam sucked in a deep breath and angled his head a bit, whole body leaning forward and breath ghosting against Mal’s lips. “If you want me… want us… to be who we are, then you have to let us give you our full attention. We’ll be easier to control that way.”

“Not lookin’ to control you,” Mal whispered, giving Tam the kiss he wanted.

“Have you ever thought about what we’re looking for?”

Mal realized how much bravery that took to ask for. The boy was trained to submit and follow orders. For all of his bitching, whenever he asked for something, it was for someone else. Whether that be something for River or the crew. But never could Mal remember Simon or Tam asking for anything completely selfish.

“You want me to control you?”

Tam licked his lips. “You do it naturally.”

“I do not…”

“Captain…” Tam laughed low and rubbed his cheek against Mal’s chest. “People follow you… in the Brown Coats and aboard Serenity… she’s your ship. Your authority is alluring.” Tam’s breath was drawn in quicker. “It’s your strength. If we’re controlled… others are safe from us. If you don’t want to do it for us, consider the safety of your crew.”

Mal didn’t like the idea at all that this boy could pose a threat to anyone, but the truth of the matter was he’d seen what Tam had done to River. He hadn’t hurt her, but he could have. Not to mention he’d killed those men back on Athens. It was a slippery slope they were tumbling down, head first with no bottom in sight at the moment. A never-ending journey down into the black for a while longer when it came to this man in front of him.  
Pulling away, but keeping in contact he finished cleaning and seeing to Tam’s head wound, quickly applying some liquid stitches. Soon he found himself back with his forehead pressed against Tam’s.

“I can’t make any promises,” Mal told him.

“I don’t ask for promises. Just… acceptance.”

Mal felt something shift inside him, as if the weight wasn’t nearly as heavy as it had been. He nodded his head. “I’ll do what I can.”

They stood like that for a long time, forehead to forehead, just breathing in each other’s breath. The hum of Serenity’s engine was soft and muted. The moment was broken when Zoe’s voice came across the intercom. “Captain, might wanna be comin’ up here when you get a chance.”

Mal turned to leave, but Tam grasped Mal’s wrist in a strong grip. When Mal looked at him, he saw a mixture of all three personalities, for just that split second. “Mal, please…”

There were many things he could say, but the man he cared for more than anything had asked for something. Mal gently wrenched his hand out of Tam’s grasp and reached out to tug on the cross dangling from Tam’s neck. “You’re gonna come with me and you’re gonna behave.”

“Is that an... order?”

Mal tugged on the cross again and without a moment’s hesitation. “Yes.”

Tam couldn’t hide the shudder that passed over his body. “Yes, sir.” It was the first time Tam had ever said the title without sarcasm or challenge in his tone. “Thank you, Mal.”

He led the way, Tam close behind him as he made his way to the bridge. Zoe’s hands were flying over the console in the co-pilot’s chair. River was doing the same in Wash’s old spot. They were a flurry of movement, every indicator light up and blinking, every screen operating and giving read outs. River never once looked up. “This is problematic, Captain. Not good at all.”

Mal immediately moved forward, looking over her shoulder. “What do we got, Albatross?”

“A tag.”

Mal instantly frowned. “I need more than that.”

River showed a readout on the screen. “Didn’t see it before. Didn’t even know it was there. Zoe was here and she said the screen went wonky.” The young woman pointed to one section of waves that was emanating on the screen. “Fifteen minutes ago, normal fluctuation patterns, normal read outs.” Not looking up from where she was punching more buttons, her finger shifted down to the second line of waves. “Now… new current. Something’s transmitting, interrupting the normal patterns. We’re tagged.”

Mal shook his head. “No way. I put the best equipment on here to take care of that. We should have had an alarm a long time ago if someone had tagged us.”

River shook her head again, hair flying around her face. “We’re tagged. Almost can’t see the difference. Only a well trained eye could see it.” River paused and looked over at where Zoe sat still pulling up readings from the rest of Serenity’s internal core. “She saw it.”

“I want it off my ship and off my ship now,” Mal growled, reaching up to smack the intercom. “Everyone to the bridge!”

River had stopped and was staring intently at the screen, watching it closely now as Jayne, Kaylee, Inara, and Li entered. There were a thousand questions at once but she shut their voices out, focusing on that line. It fluctuated then, became more persistent… stronger. It wasn’t until Li leaned over her shoulder to look that something seemed to jump in the line.

River turned wide eyes to look at her charge. “You.”

Li frowned and shook her head. “No.”

River stood up, spinning Li around, pushing her up against the console and watched as the line jumped again. “Yes.” Hands going to pull at Li’s sweater, she shoved the arms up, fingers dancing over the skin. “Where?”

“I don’t know!” Li’s voice was rising in panic now. “Please, I don’t know!”

“What in the gorram [damn] hell’s goin’ on!?” Mal shouted, moving forward to pull River back. “Talk to me, River.”

“Ship’s not tagged, Captain. She is. Red-blooded child with a blue chip marker. They tagged her. Two by two, hands of blue.”

Mal's attention was immediately drawn to Tam whose eyes had narrowed and focused on the girl. Mal put a restraining hand on Tam's chest. "Now I don't care how it got here. First we have to deal with how to rid of it." Mal nodded at Li, but spoke to Tam. "Can you take it out of her with killing her?"

Tam's body was tense and he was watching Li with hate filled eyes. "Yes, Captain."

River took a step away from Li and held out her hand. Tam took it and pulled her to his side. They were both starring at the girl like she had betrayed them all and Mal wondered if she had.

Tam seemed to calm at his sister's touch but still glared at Li, shaking his head. "You let them touch you. You let HIM touch you."

"No… no, I didn't." Tears were already falling down her cheeks and she chewed nervously on the end of her sock covered hand. "You don't understand!"

River kept mumbling, "Poison from within. Baby blue hands."

Tam pulled River to his chest and petted her head. "She betrayed us."

Whatever animosity had transpired between Tam and River was suddenly gone with the threat of the Blue Hands being introduced to them. That sudden bond of sister and brother overrode everything else, because deep down Simon had to protect River, be it in his training or Tam’s, and River was to allow it.

Mal moved then, scooping Li up in his arms. “No time for this now. We’ll worry about that later. Obviously we got ourselves a tail and a tail is not what we need right now.”

Tam’s lips drew back in a sneer. “He’s coming to collect what’s his.”

Mal pushed passed them, moving down the stairs that led off the bridge. “Well, he can’t have her.”

“Not just her. All of us. All three of us, me especially,” came Tam’s voice as he followed quickly after.

Mal stopped in the centre of the corridor, turning to look at him. “Who?”

“My mentor, my trainer, my first Controller.” Tam’s face took on a sheen of sweat as he spoke. There was an edge of panic to his voice. “He was coming after River. The organization wouldn’t stand for us to still be alive even if Miranda’s secrets were uncovered. We’re a threat so long as we live and breathe. He did this. The whole thing’s been a set up from the beginning. And now he knows about me… about us, what we’re capable of.”

Li was still chewing on the end of the sock covering her hand as they made their way to the infirmary. Mal knew she couldn’t touch anyone because she was designed to be one of those Blue Handed freaks. She cried as the waves of emotion radiated off the Captain.

Li leaned in and whispered to Mal, "River and me are weapons to him, but Simon… Simon's his special project." Her voice dropped even lower. "He wants to hurt Simon. Make him bleed pretty ribbons of blood and wrap himself back up in complete submission."

Tam turned and hissed at her, "He doesn't need to know this."

Li clung to Mal and shrunk back from Tam's anger. "He needs to know you'd sacrifice yourself for us. That you'd die to save him."

"She's a child, Captain." Tam opened the door to the infirmary and settled River on a chair away from the surgical instruments. "I can take care of this. I can make it go away."

“You can’t kill her. That’s an order.” Mal set Li down on the examining table. "Get that thing out of her and stop talking… hell, stop thinking about what I know you're thinking about."

With the edge of the sock still in her mouth Li mumbled. "The Controller’s jealous that you have Simon. What you have was supposed to be his. Simon's not a broken toy anymore and the Doctor wants to play."

Tam was busy, moving around the table and feeling all along Li’s arms as River had done earlier. His fingers smoothed up over the shoulder of her dress, moving along her neck until his fingers paused at the back. He lifted her long hair and looked right beneath the hairline, fingers pressing softly. “It’s here.”

Mal moved around, pressing his own fingers there lightly and feeling the slightly raised skin and solid jut of something underneath. “Can you get it out?”

Tam nodded his head. “I can, but I’m afraid that I won’t be able to use any type of anaesthesia on her. If this thing’s programmed for tracking, any tampering with medication could cause some kind of trigger that will detonate it. If it detonates…”

“Grape goes smoosh,” River supplied, legs swinging.

Mal closed his eyes and rubbed at the bridge of his nose. “Do what you can. I want to know everything there is to know about this doctor once this ugly business is cleaned up.”

Li twitched under Tam's touch skin to skin. Only River and Simon could touch her like this. They were free and unfettered Blue Hands without the Blue. The black and Serenity had both protected and shaped their powers. Her eyes opened wider and her face lost its childlike fear. Touching Simon opened a floodgate. Her own training of information retrieval and storage kicked in.

"Doctor Karl Benway,” Li said as she saw the face Simon remembered. Her eyes glazed over and the information flowed. “Chief Director of Research for Blue Sun Corporation. Top Level Clearance. Sadistic personality traits. Responsible for the selection of…"

She stopped talking when Tam stepped away. "Stay out of my head."

Mal hands curled into fists. "What just happened?"

"That's why we don't touch her, Captain. It's what she was designed to do." Simon pulled on a pair of latex gloves and touched her again to turn her head. "You wanted information, she was going to give it to you." Simon reached for a razor and shaved off a small patch of Li's hair. "Just like me, she wants to please you, just in a different way. We’re all just different models of the same design. You are our de-facto Controller."

Mal shook his head. "No, I think…"

Tam held up his hand to silence Mal. He was in doctor mode now and following Mal's orders to remove the device. "After. I need to concentrate now. One slip of the scalpel and…"

"Squish, splat," River supplied again.

 

Jayne sat spinning his knife on the flat of his palm, watching the tip of the blade carefully. He was not in a good mood now. Knew that the kid had been nothing but trouble the moment he’d lain eyes on her. On all of them for that matter. He liked them enough now, sure. But this was beginning to be all kinds of crazy that wasn’t required with the job of a merc. Kaylee sat next to him quietly, hands folded neatly around the steaming cup of tea she’d barely touched. She kept glancing up at where Inara was seated across from her, face pale with exhaustion that even makeup couldn’t hide. They were all tired and worried. Zoe was absent only because someone had to fly Serenity.

The procedure was going into its third hour and every once in awhile a cry would come rolling down the corridor and into the kitchen area, a small voice filled with pain. So many things to watch out for when removing a device like this, Mal had told them. It could be booby trapped. Tam was using every ounce of knowledge that all three personalities possessed to get him through it and keep Li alive.

River was a wreck, curled in a ball in the corner near the lounge. She could feel both their pain. Her long legs were drawn up to her chest and face pressed into her knees. Her hair was a curtain of raw wild silk hiding everything from the rest of the crew. Zoe was still on the bridge, checking in by way of intercom when she couldn’t take the wait any longer.

Then there was Mal.

Their Captain had holed himself up to go through the Cortex, trying to find anything and everything he could on Dr. Karl Benway, Blue Sun, and readers. Of course, the big thing was making it through the Cortex without raising any red flags. Blue Sun’s hands were in everything and they’d be alerted if someone managed to put two and two together.

Jayne just about dropped his knife when he saw Mal. In all the time he knew the Captain, he had never seen him look like this. Anger wasn't a word for this. Mal's look was feral and Jayne was glad it wasn't aimed at him.

Flicking on the intercom, Mal asked, “You with me, Zoe?”

Her answer came back static, but forceful, “Yes, Capt’n. Flying true and listening.”

“You’re gonna wanna hear this,” Mal said and then told everyone. "Benway got his start in the war."

Kaylee gripped Jayne's arm. "What?"

Mal’s voice was low and barely above a growl. "Experimented on prisoners of war."

Kaylee’s stomach dropped. "How did you…"

Mal's face was tight and ashen. "Don't."

Tam shouted out from the infirmary. "Someone needs to calm the Captain down! I can sense him and I'm closing the gorram [damn] wound! I can feel his rage and I need to concentrate."

Mal took a deep breath and centred himself. His hands were shaking as he continued, but he seemed to have his rage under better control. "The man's responsible for experiments on Brown Coats, Miranda… the Tams."

River had unfurled herself on the floor. "Before that… before that. He made Simon. Egg before the chicken. Long line of chickens to get the perfect egg. They're all dead… failed, put down before they came home to roost."

Jayne made a noise and all eyes turned to him. Now with the large knife in his hand, he was running the blade under his finger nails to clean them. Touching the knife made him calmer. “Yeah well, how’d we end up with three, then? Three moon-touched government tested readers on our one little boat? Seems too much like a plan than a coincidence, dontcha think?”

River frowned and closed her eyes, fingers twitching on her hands. “Probability of the scenario is….”

“Fact of the matter is, we got all three,” Mal interjected. “Don’t matter none about chance and probability. Just happened to be the luck of the draw.”

“Bad luck at that,” Jayne threw out, standing up and shoving the tip of the knife deep into the table. “This mad scientist of a doctor…he’s comin’ for all three of them, then?”

Mal leaned back against the kitchen counter, arms folded over his chest. “Lookin’ to be that way, yes.”

Jayne gave a nod of his head. “Not gonna stop ‘til he gets what he wants. Ain’t gonna matter none that we got ladyfolk or kids onboard. He ain’t gonna take no prisoners and ain’t gonna leave no survivors. Won’t be happy til we’re nothin’ but scrap metal floatin’ around in the black.”

“Don’t know what you’re tryin’ to accomplish with all the talk there, Jayne, but you’re not helpin’ our situation right now.” Mal’s brow was furrowed as he watched Jayne carefully. Jayne who was always about himself and no one else. Look out of the number one and the number one would always be him.

Nodding his head, Jayne looked up and straight at Mal. “Was a time before I’d just jump ship, take off and leave this kind of shit for someone else to handle. I’m just hired muscle.” He paused for effect, looking around at everyone in the room. “But I’m tired of havin’ a bunch of pansy ass, fucked up politicians and no good white labcoats interferin’ with what I do best. So, how’s about you get right to the part of your speech that tells me when and who I can start shootin’?”

"It's complicated,” Mal explained.

"You hate complication." Jayne snorted loudly. "Never stopped you before."

There had been no screaming or noise from the infirmary for a few minutes. Mal looked up before he answered. "Reckon it hasn't. We go planetside, we have nowhere to run. We stay in the black, we're vulnerable if they catch us."

Tam came out of the infirmary, his posture tall and face impassive. But one look at him and Mal knew it wasn't Tam. It was Simon. It was his Simon covered in Li's blood. The three were one for now."But we have one thing that they don't, Mal."

Jayne shifted restlessly on his seat. "What three crazy readers?"

The smile on Simon's lips was purely Tam at his worst. "Exactly."

Jayne's brow furrowed and he looked between Simon and Mal. "Did he just agree with me?"

Mal took a step towards Simon, afraid if he got too close that Simon would worm his way back into that messed up mind of his. "What exactly are you proposing?"

"I'm proposing that you let the Doctor taste his own medicine. Let us do what we were designed to do…"

Kaylee shook her head. "Simon, no…"

Simon kept his eyes locked with Mal. "Yes. We've never been tested to our full potential. We’ve never collaborated before. Miranda challenged River, but think of the havoc she can wreak with her head on a little straighter?" He motioned towards the infirmary. "And even the girl… she's willing to fight for her freedom."

Mal reached out and ran his fingertips over Simon's cheek. "And you?"

"I've never been unleashed before. I know what I'm capable of now. I want to kill him… make him suffer for what he did to me. He won't take you away from me."

Mal would have expected Simon to word it differently. Taking in the conversations about training and control, he thought Simon wouldn't want to be taken from him. But Simon was clearly laying a claim on him. "I don't want you to give in to…"

"Maybe we have to give into it, Mal, but in a different way. I've been fighting what I am. The girls… if we embrace what we are, we can save us all. They aren't prepared for what we can do if we work together. They're afraid of us. They try to keep us dependent, weak and off kilter." The smile on Simon's face was positively dangerous. That was the Tam part of Simon’s personality. "Let him take us, Mal. Let us fight back from the inside to come home…"

Mal felt a surge of anger but he forced himself to quell it. Here was Simon, more of Simon than he’d seen in the longest stretch of time. Tam was right below the surface, his mannerisms showing through a bit but Simon was the one who was in the forefront. “Won’t allow them to take you, not any of you. I don’t know everything you’ve been through with him but I know I won’t let him get his hands on you again in case he decides to re-administer that training again. We fight on this one united, all of us.”

Simon stared at him for a moment, a softness coming over his features. “You’d be risking the lives of everyone on board this ship if we go your way, Captain. You’d only be risking ours if you allowed us to be taken by him.”

“The only takin’ that’s gonna be done will be by me and my own when we cut the sonofabitch down at the knees,” Mal answered. He never even looked over his shoulder when he addressed the rest of the room. “Any objections?”

“Your ship,” came the chorus of replies all at one time.

It broke the mood, forced Mal to literally crack a small smile. “Well then, looks like we got some criminalities to be seein’ to then. Interesting crimes are abound for us. Got to rid ourselves of an evil Alliance mad scientist and take down the lot he works for.” Mal turned and look at where River still sat on the floor. “River, what do you remember of the compound you were in.”

She grinned at him, tapping her temple. “Steel trap, Captain.”

“That’s what I like to hear. Simon, what about you?”

“I remember enough but that facility has probably been evacuated and demolished by now since it was infiltrated.”

Mal walked over to one of the cabinets and pulled out a long roll of paper, he spread it out on the table and produced two pencils. “I want it all, whatever you can remember, every little detail every little scratch on a wall that sparks in your brain.”

River walked over to where they were all crowded around. She reached out and grabbed Simon’s hand. “Welcome back,” she whispered, before she leaned down to grab a pencil and commence with drawing.

 

Li sat staring at the ceiling, willing herself to breathe evenly. She could see them in her mind, hear them discussing and making plans. She curled into a ball and started to cry.

 

“The trace marker’s been destroyed, sir.”

Benway waved a hand at the man and continued looking at the data pad in front of him. “It doesn’t matter now.” He stared at the face of the man and grinned. “Oh, Captain Reynolds, what a ‘verse of trouble you’ve gotten yourself into.”


End file.
